I'm not coping

[sirlee66]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and I love him, I really do but I can't do this anymore

Its just so hard. He's a lovely baby but Im just such a utter failure. The birth was... well it happened... But the stay in hospital was horrendous. We got readmitted a day after discharge because he has low blood sugar due to me not producing enough any milk for him. He was on formula top ups because I failed him.

I feel like a prisoner. I can't go out because he's constantly feeding. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me again. I do love him but I worry constantly about him. I can't stop thoughts like what if I fall down the stairs holding him. What if he stops breathing. He's too hot. He's too cold. He's being sick too much. Formula is poisoning him. I've not sterlised his bottle properly. What if he crys too much, gets too hot and dies. When if a car runs into him. What if the cat smothers him... Its constant. There's no break. I picture a million ways he could die every minute and it makes me wish... I can't say it. But before I had him, I didn't have this constant worry and it was easier.

We tried for years for a baby and now it's finally here I'm wishing it away. I'm waiting for this phase to pass and to start enjoying it but I hate it. Its awful. I shouldn't be his mum. He's just so wonderful, I don't deserve him. We hardly leave the bedroom. He's missing out on the world because of me.

Somes days are better than others. Today is not a good day. I don't really want to be here anymore.

Echoing the previous posts. This is so very, very common and normal and it's so very, very early days - so much too early to worry about 'missing out on the world'. Atm, for him, the world is milk (be it formula or breast) and you.

It's a good idea to get all the support you can, just in case this turns into PND, but it also may pass. 5 weeks is prime 'shell shock' time - the immediate recovery from the birth has usually passed and the full impact of the change in your life has set in. It does, does, does, does, does get better, even if your life never quite becomes what it was before - it's different but it's great.

Bless you. What you have described is exactly how I felt with my first. It was awful and very stressful. The very fact you have recognised it and are looking for advice shows what a fantastic mum you are. Your hormones will also be up the wall which really doesn't help anything. Speak to your health visitor or have a chat to the GP. You won't be judged, how you feel is very common (people just don't talk about it) xx

you are doing a brilliant job and are in no way failing him. I have a 16 week old baby and haven't coped well. After putting it off and putting it off, I finally went to the gp and have been on tablets now for 3 weeks and honestly I can now see the wood for the trees. I would urge you to speak to your gp or hv, it really could help. Sending hugs

Please don't suggest to this poster to bottle feed if she is breastfeeding at present. It's well documented that switching will cause another hormone imbalance and make anything like postnatal anxiety or postnale depression worse.

OP have you had good feeding support? Ringing one of the support lines like Breast feeding network or NCT would be very helpful. You may fine they go over your birth to which could be useful too talk about.

As you can see many women experience these problems you are not alone. Reach out for help it is there, I found unfortunately you have to know to ask for it.

I don't know if this is normal but it is EXACTLY how I felt. It does improve. I gave up breastfeeding st 6 weeks because I was too anxious that she wasn't getting enough milk and with formula you can see they're taking something. I used to write down exactly how much she had at every feed in a little book....I don't know what I was thinking really. I couldn't sleep for weeks in case she stopped breathing in her sleep etc. It DOES get better as you get used to it. I promise.

Your post was me. For ages. No-one said what I was feeling was normal or that I was ecperiencing mental trauma. I wish I was given anti anxiety meds. It did get better over time. I found it overwhelming. Everyone was happy about my new born apart from me. Talk to your Health Visitor. Please get help for yourself and look after yourself as well as your baby.

How does your little one do with bottle feeding when you’re supplementing - do they manage better? Have you had someone properly qualified check them for a tongue tie? I wish I could go back in time and see a qualified lactation consultant when I was having difficulties. My boys would latch badly, feed for 45 mins until they passed out and then quickly wake up screaming hungry. After each feed I was drenched as all the milk was pouring out of the sides of their mouths. They still dribbled milk with a bottle but nowhere near as much.

If bottle feeding is easier, would you find pumping more manageable, at least for a few of their feeds? There’s info out there that says you shouldn’t pump until 12 weeks but really that’s in addition to exclusive bfing and the concern is about creating an oversupply. If you pump during / after a bottle feed, you’re only really taking out what the baby would have had during that feed (and for some women slightly less). You’ll probably find the latch and feeding times improve soon, so I wouldn’t give up on latching them, but you might find pumping every other feed for example saves you some time and makes you feel a bit less stressed. You can get wonderful pumping cups from America called freemies which are totally handsfree and go inside your bra, so you could give a bottle or wash up or do whatever while pumping (wish I had known about them when I was pumping!).

Agree with @Drycleanonly7 that pps saying this is normal are well intentioned but unhelpful. Did they miss the bit where the op says she doesn't want to be here anymore?
Op you are also experiencing trauma, it is very normal to feel adrift and have trouble feeding, but not to feel as upset as this, please do get in touch with health care asap, you deserve it and they can help, in a few weeks many women can look back amazed at the change in how they feel.

How are you today op? Been thinking about you. Please ask a hv or gp for help. Don't do what I did which was soldier on thinking I was a failure for having pnd. It's a treatable condition. I wish I'd got help sooner. Feel free to check in on here and offload however shit you are feeling if it helps. I will check in regularly . Reiterating you are not alone and this can be solved xx

@sirlee66 I totally relate to that feeling of having made a mistake / regretting it. The worst thing is, I remember so clearly people saying to me "you won't always feel that way" and I totally didn't believe them, I couldn't possibly see a way where I wouldn't regret having a baby. But just four months in, I really don't now, and you won't either. I couldn't tell you how it happened but gradually I just fell in love with her and now I couldn't be happier I had her. I know you feel right now like that will never be you but I promise it will.

I'm glad you're going to speak to your HV and I hope she's understanding and helpful. Your GP should be able to help too.

As for the breastfeeding thing, @MigGril is right in that breastfeeding can help you bond quicker with your baby and if you stop the change in hormones etc may make you feel worse temporarily. However, I know for me being told by my midwife that I could stop breastfeeding saved my life. I genuinely would have killed myself if she hadn't given me permission to stop, and pressure to carry on would have made things so much worse for me.

So from one mum to another: if you need to stop, STOP. Your baby will be absolutely fine. You've already given him the colostrum which is the really good stuff. If you feel you can carry on, that's great. But either way, you WILL get through this, you WILL be happy again, you WILL love your baby and you WILL be glad you had him. I promise. And he will be absolutely fine no matter how you feed him.

PM me any time.

Also, re the "normal" thing: it's normal in that what you're feeling is textbook PND, and PND impacts 10% of women. So it's normal in that respect. The thoughts you're having - even the darkest ones that you don't dare post here - are symptoms.

But while what you're feeling and thinking is common, it isn't necessary. PND is so treatable and you can and will get better. Your HV and medical professionals will have heard it all before and they will just want to help.

How are you feeling today, OP?

I felt just like this with my first child (14 years ago now!). The whole experience of becoming a new mother was exhausting, terrifying, anxiety-inducing....and I felt totally trapped, alone and like my life was ruined (despite loving my baby with every fibre of my being). Very difficult set of conflicting emotions to experience at a time when you are extremely hormonal and still recovering from pregnancy and birth!

Your six week check is coming up...I suggest you have a talk to your midwife or doctor. They will have heard this all before and may be able to offer some support. Have you spoken to your partner? Family? Try to open up to those close to you. I wish I had. You are not a failure. Many, many women feel this way.

I could have written this post a year ago. Honestly, every word of it, from feeling like a failure for not breastfeeding to constantly worrying he was about to die.

You are not a failure. You are everything your little boy needs right now. You have not failed him by not producing enough milk and formula isn’t poison. Whichever way you end up feeding him he will thrive because you are feeding him with love.

You will feel like yourself again. You probably feel like you never will but once you get out of the newborn fog you will get yourself back. I promise, just take it one day at a time.

Talk to people around you about how you are feeling. There is no shame in it and it you can get extra support from your hv it will help. 5 weeks pp your hormones will still be all over the place so this will be adding to how you are feeling.

It will get better and don’t for one second think you don’t deserve this little baby. You sound like a lovely mum xx

OP, i could written your original post at 5 weeks. Two years on and I can still remember those feelings like yesterday. You are doing so well, and I promise you it does get better. For me, it got marginally better at 6 weeks, then again at 8 weeks, and then massively better at 12 weeks and again at 5 months. You're so close to better times, just hold on.

Formula is not poison. Just follow the rules for sterilizing and you'll be fine. I stopped breastfeeding at 4 weeks after feeding problems and tongue tie, and i felt a hell of a lot better. But carry on bf if you want to, its completely your choice - and only yours. Antidepressants are not poison either if you feel that you need them (like I did). Talk to your DH, HV, GP and whoever else you feel comfortable talking to. Focus on getting through the morning, then afternoon, then evening, then night. One day at a time.

Thank so much for being so supportive.

HV has just left, she's refering me for CBT (I think!) And rung my GP and has asked for a doctor to phone me today to discuss. She's also coming back on Tuesday to see how it's all going.

It was awful. I cried constantly when she got here. That horrible snotty crying where you make weird noises and dribble.

Is give anything to stop feeling like this. Its like a dementor from Harry Potter. Just total dread and dispare. I feel so numb and hopeless. And I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

I can't tell you how greatful I am for all the messages. I've read every one and had a good cry. Its so so shit but hearing that it will get better (even though right now feels impossible) is comforting.

I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy. Thank you for supporting me.

OP, pregnancy and postnatal hormones are vicious things sometimes. This isn’t you. It’s sometimes even harder when you’ve been imagining having a baby for years because you can never predict the reality.

It’s not motherhood that’s doing this to you, it’s your brain chemistry. Motherhood will be much better once you’ve got that sorted, and when sleep is a little better

Don't feel guilty OP. You have an illness. Feeling guilty is like feeling guilty for having a sore throat when you've got a cold. These are all just symptoms and I promise they will pass with the right treatment and care. We are all here for you any time.

Two months ago I lay in bed praying over and over that either me or my little girl would die in our sleep so it would all be over. Now I get excited about waking up in the morning because I get to see her again. The difference is staggering. I got better and so will you.

OP, I'm so pleased you have spoken to the HV. I know it was tough, but well done. You've taken the first step to feeling better. Your HV sounds supportive which is great, I'm genuinely so happy for you. Good luck OP, so many of us are rooting for you and your little one

Thank you so so much

Just got off the phone to the GP, she said exactly the same as all of you and how the happy pregnancy hormones have dropped and my hormones are playing tricks on me making me feel this way. Its not me it's the hormones - which is comforting.

She's prescribed me sentraline? I think she said? (it began with an 'S') and will be ready to collect from the pharmacy this afternoon and she said that in about 2 weeks I'll feel back to normal.

I can't put into words how greatful I am for your messages and support. I don't know what I would have done without them.

Fantastic, OP

That’s so good Sirlee! It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive health visitor and doctor. The newborn phase is SO hard. You have had lots of time to think about the kind of mother you are going to be when pregnant. The reality when the baby arrives is very different! It gets much much easier though. You and your baby are just getting to know each other. It will all be ok. Xxx

Well done for asking for help op. You won't regret it. Congratulations on taking the first steps to feeling more like you. Stick with it and things will improve. Xxx

It’s sertraline which is commonly used in those with PND

I can honestly tell you the first six months of my twins life are a blur of tears, sadness and guilt because I didn’t seek help. I didn’t realise I was ill until much later - the birth was traumatic, months in nicu, pumping because I couldn’t feed and I thought it was all just a normal reaction to that. Didn’t realise I was suffering with trauma,?depression and especially anxiety until their first birthday. You’ve got nearly a year’s headstart on me and you will feel much better soon. Sometimes it can take a while to get the right dose or the right medication - give it 3 weeks and then go back if you’re not seeing an improvement (or sooner if you aren’t coping and feel things are getting worse).

I found it so hard to admit even to myself that I wasn’t well. You’re doing amazingly well to seek help. The doctors and HVs see mums like you all the time, they understand.

Hang in there x

Tammy we have a lot in common, your story sounds like mine. Xxx

Hi OP just caught up.
I also felt like you but didn't tell anyone until DD was 5 months and by that point I was such a mess.
I was also prescribed sertraline and it was ok. I wouldn't say I felt better in 2 weeks though. The side effects initially lasted about a week. Mainly headaches and being very drowsy. I would take your first few tablets when you aren't alone with the baby just in case. Then after about a month I realised that I was having more good days than bad and by 6 weeks I felt myself. I'm a year and a half on from that now, been off sertraline for about half a year and feeling better. It's so hard but you just have to do the best you can. Take everything they offer you. CBT didn't work for me and I was referred for talking therapy which did help. Also not all antidepressants work for everyone so if you're not feeling better after a month it may be worth asking to change. (If you are still breastfeeding at all this may not be possible).
You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. The problem is mums are so ashamed that they don't tell anyone. So you may think all your friends got on just fine but they may have been hiding the same thoughts as you. Lots of my friends were shocked when I told them what I went through.
You sound like you're doing well. You've asked for help which is the hardest part and it sounds like your HCPs are on the ball with it. Sorry this is rambly I've been up since 5.30 with my wonderful DD who was in no way effected by my issues. So don't worry. In a year or two years or whatever, you'll look back and be so proud of how far you've come. And your little one will be running to give you hugs and big sloppy kisses (with all associated germs) and will be just fine. Keep posting here for support over the next few weeks if you need to. Hope you feel better soon x