I'm not coping

[sirlee66]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and I love him, I really do but I can't do this anymore

Its just so hard. He's a lovely baby but Im just such a utter failure. The birth was... well it happened... But the stay in hospital was horrendous. We got readmitted a day after discharge because he has low blood sugar due to me not producing enough any milk for him. He was on formula top ups because I failed him.

I feel like a prisoner. I can't go out because he's constantly feeding. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me again. I do love him but I worry constantly about him. I can't stop thoughts like what if I fall down the stairs holding him. What if he stops breathing. He's too hot. He's too cold. He's being sick too much. Formula is poisoning him. I've not sterlised his bottle properly. What if he crys too much, gets too hot and dies. When if a car runs into him. What if the cat smothers him... Its constant. There's no break. I picture a million ways he could die every minute and it makes me wish... I can't say it. But before I had him, I didn't have this constant worry and it was easier.

We tried for years for a baby and now it's finally here I'm wishing it away. I'm waiting for this phase to pass and to start enjoying it but I hate it. Its awful. I shouldn't be his mum. He's just so wonderful, I don't deserve him. We hardly leave the bedroom. He's missing out on the world because of me.

Somes days are better than others. Today is not a good day. I don't really want to be here anymore.

stop i see it that way too. The OP has already said she finds it helpful to hear our stories.

Sorry. I should have RTFT.

I'm pleased you're getting the help you need OP.

OP - I'm so glad to hear you're getting help and medication. Your first post made me cry because it was so much like I felt at five weeks. I told my dh I wanted to throw myself under a truck and he dragged me to the Dr where I was immediately (and kindly!) given diazepam for a couple of days and antidepressants which I took for about 9 months. I got a bit worse before getting better as they gave me citalopram which has anxiety as a side effect while it kicks in, but by 7/8 weeks I was coping and at 11 weeks I was out at a big family do looking like I was actually a real mum. I distinctly remember at 14 weeks being totally in love and happy and almost wondering what all the fuss had been about. But I also distinctly remember how totally awful and incompetent and utterly hopeless I felt at five weeks. And like every second lasted a year and how I couldn't imagine ever getting through it. You will though, and it really does pass. And you don't have to cherish every moment because lots of the moments are shit and those are the ones you just have to get through. Rest (or keep busy if it helps), get everyone else to do things for you (both), and just get through this phase. There is most definitely light at the end of the tunnel and it's not far away (some days further than others). You've got this. You'll be great. And making up sweary new lyrics to nursery rhymes can be surprisingly entertaining. xxx

Don't be a total twat Cheesy - for God's sake you sound like an idiot.

Hi OP just a little message so you know I’m thinking of you. When I read your first post, I literally could have wrote it. I’m so excited for everything to get better for you, because it will. It truly will.
I didn’t know about mumsnet when I had my child and omfg I sooooo wish I did!!!! Keep posting ☺️x

Hi everyone, just wanted to update - things have been going pretty daen well!! Yesterday, for the first time I even slept next to DS in his 'next-to-me crib' which is the first time in weeks and it was fine!

I also feel like I love him more, which I didn't think was possible but the love now is just unreal!

Had a phone appointment with the MH people in the week and they are refering me to a service where they come to me at home because DS is so little they think it will be better. So that's really good because I find leaving the house ridiculously stressful and I get so panicky so it's a relief they offer that service where I am.

I just wanted to thank you all again and also let anyone else know, that when you're at rock bottom, it can get better!! Its been 2 weeks and already I feel more like myself everyday. I'm not hating it anymore and I don't feel like I've made a mistake - just a change.

I'm confident that this is just the beginning and in time it will get even easier.

Thank you so much to everyone who posted and told me about your own experiences. It helped so so much to read how similar people felt and that it wasn't my fault I felt that way because others felt it too. You got it. Speaking to DH or my mum who, lovingly listened, haven't been there so didn't get it the way you did and so sharing and reassuring me really helped. Thank you

Well done for opening up and asking for help. This is the way forward.

OP so glad to hear that you've asked for, and been offered, help. I also had a MH team come and visit me at home on a regular basis until things were more stable. They worked with me and my baby together, as I was worried about attachment issues and the like. It was so helpful.

One thing to remember is that recovery isn't a linear process, so even though it's brilliant that you are feeling brighter PLEASE do not push yourself too hard, or feel like you've messed up if your mood starts to waver a little.

What a lovely update.