To want just one day where I don't get upset by my ndds behaviour

[paranoidanxiety2018]

So today is my birthday, and as we don't have much money I saved the little we do have for my dds birthday (which is Tuesday), and made myself a cake. The sponge cam out beautifully and is probably my best yet. I left it on the side to cool over night ready to decorate. I was woken by my ndd (5 on Tues) at 7am wishing me a happy birthday with a cuddle and a card she made, only to walk in to the kitchen and find she'd taken a spoon and destroyed my cake!!
Why my stuff?? It was going to be a thing of beauty with vanilla buttercream icing and half strawberries all over .
In the last 2 weeks she has broken or almost about 4 items that mean alot to me or things that I desperately needed. Like the whole brand new box of plasters, may seem stupid, but I split the crease of my toe right open (she knew about) and needed those plasters to keep the split clean, dry and fixed to prevent it splitting more, I had no money to buy more. My hobby involving 3 weeks of hard work she came into my bedroom and drew all over it in the early hours.
She doesn't do this to her own things and is in fact the most careful child I have ever met when it comes to her things... so why mine??
Aibu to have wanted just my birthday to be a day where I don't cry, don't feel like she hates me, and don't just want to be mean??
I really really wanted to say something to her, anything to get my hurt and frustration out but i managed to stop myself, realising tht it would solve nothing and only make her as upset as me, so just said "Go to ur room, please"

She was 'disiplined' by her dad immediately, How did he do that?

And then you sent her to her room.

So disciplined twice.

You sound overbearing and really mean OP.

I pity you when it comes to the teenage years if you can't get it right with a 4 year old.

Yy to what mrsdv said.

And I still think you should see the gp. You shouldn't need time every morning to get your emotions in check. It's also worrying that you admit half the mess was her attempt to clean up and she gave you a card, but your focus is on the damaged cake and self pity.

I've not heard of any parent who doesn't have an amusing tale about the damage/ chaos caused by their young dc attempting to clear up. And thats all it is, not a reason to feel victimised.

Please don’t ascribe nefarious motivations to a young child’s impulsive behaviour. She doesn’t hate you, she’s doing what children do. Of course it is disappointing that your cake has been ruined and it’s fine to tell her that she shouldn’t have touched the cake and send her to her room. But extrapolating complex emotional significance (“it felt like she hated me”) from an essentially thoughtless action is a bit worrying.

It's fairly normal to tell a child off for bad behaviour, so do it. She's 4, quite old enough to be told that wasting food and resources is wrong. How come she can go through a whole box of plasters and ruin them all, without someone noticing what she's doing? It would have taken my dd some time to do that, and she was (and is) very good with her fingers.

It doesn’t matter if it was only plasters or she used a spoon with a knife the point is the child is at the age where she is curious about things and will go out her way to get them , my daughter is the same she loves plasters and will pull a chair over and go up into the cupboards to get them kids will do whatever they fancy if not supervised that’s the point I’m making .

OP what do you mean by you moved to a flat because your baby couldn't navigate stairs?

It sounds like you moved from a house to a flat because you had a wobbly-on-her-feet toddler and opted for moving over buying stair gates which I am sure is not correct because it would be an utterly bonkers response to a toddler being unsteady on the stairs.

Your posts do come across quite anxious/emotional and that's fine. We all get anxious from time to time but if you genuinely believe your child hates you and is deliberately targeting your things to upset you, you cry daily and need an hour after waking to sort your emotional state, you do need help from your GP. It doesn't mean you're a bad mum or crazy or a failure, it just means you, along with many thousands of other people, need some extra support with their mental health.

I'm glad you're enjoying the remainder of your day and I empathise about the financial struggles. It's shit not having enough money for the basics.

Oh and I was also joking about the door alarm. Really, don't do that. I used to have one on my front door because I had one of those yale locks you could unlock from the inside without a key and holy fuck are they loud. Your poor DD will end up being frightened to go to the toilet in the night. Some cupboard locks and a reward chart with stickers for staying in her room until X time of morning will be fine.

Why would you think your daughter hates you though?

I didn’t mean lock her in - I meant lock the kitchen/bathroom etc away. My son went through a phase of flushing everything he could lay his hands on down the toilet Problem solved by a star key high up on the outside of the bathroom door. He also used to steal sugar - star key outside the kitchen door.....

I dont think the OP sounds mean... she was just upset, that is natural. It is a bit silly to think a 5 year old would not touch a cake left on the side however... yes theyd no it was naughty but they dont have that much self control at that age so its really a gamble leaving it out and in reach like that... it wont have been personal to you, she wont have done it 'because she hates you!'... I can see why that in the early morning when it was your birthday and you are stressed and tired that you mightve momentarily felt like that though... I think PP are being very harsh.

My son is only 3 but he sometimes gets up before me and goes downstairs without waking me. Like you I wont lock his bedroom because I dont think that is right... but I did get a bolt for the outside of the kitchen door so that he cant get in there unless we are awake.

It sounds as if you could do with some parenting classes OP
You don't seem to have a very good understanding of child development.

Please look into them. I hate to sound melodramatic but if you carry on with this attitude towards your child's normal behaviour you are going to damage your relationship with her forever.

She is going to be scared of offending you. She will grow up with shaky attachment and be either desperate to please you or give up trying altogether.

That is the extreme version of what could happen but at the very least her behaviour will get worse. Kids don't respond well to their parents trying to guilt them into behaving with passive aggression and self pity.

@ParanoidAnxiety2018 I have difficulties with emotions first thing when I wake up

I think this (amongst other things you have said) really needs exploring. Of course it is down to you OP, but things just don't seem right. You may not have been aware of how you are coming across in your emotional response to your DD. There may be lots of reasons why you are feeling the way you do, and it may be other stresses in your life making you feel a certain way. We on MumsNet won't know all the ins and outs of your life, but a chat with a GP about how YOU are feeling may help you based on what you have said here.

oh ffs. I wish I had never posted in the first place.

The fact I'm emotional when I first wake up is NOTHING to do with my daughter, my parenting of her or my bond with her. I was trying 2 explain that while it might sound stupid 2 u lot 2 cry over a stupid cake, I was already emotional, but seeing as your all so intrested I have nightmares, nasty ones, EVERY night and it takes me time to deal with those emotions in the morning. They are the only reminance now of ptsd but there is nothing that can be done about them, except time.

I moved from a house to a flat because my dd is physical disabled and can't safely manage stairs. It has nothing to do with "can't be bothered with stairgates", she also was not and is not a baby or a wobbly toddler she is 5 yrs old (in 5 days).

I never said I couldn't cope with her, I was f-ing upset! I never said I hated her, I never said she was naughty (in fact its not even in our vocabulary at home), and I never said I wanted to hurt her, so u can stop being so very scared for my poor dd, I've never even smacked her (or felt like doing so was nessaccary). I have not EVER guilt tripped her, that's disgusting!

She was not punished twice at all. I asked/told her, in a perfectly good way to please go into her room for a minute, while I composed myself in private, her dad then went and disciplined her, (which was no tablet time this morning).

And @FirstMrs, I did a parenting class when she was 6 months old thank u very much.

Where was her dad when she was ruining your cake?

Perhaps try removing one of her prized possessions for a set period of time when she damages/uses up something of yours? I found my dd could understand better when she experienced a similar feeling.

Attacking the cake with a spoon will be hilarious when she's older - a tip I find useful is, "Will this still matter in five years?" If not I try to moderate my feelings. If it is, then it's open season!

The only other thing I'd do is find a new home for the plasters. They're like catnip to kids. My DD would go through a box in minutes aged 4. There were some seriously injured toys in our house...

I couldn’t leave a cake out without my 4 yo scoffing some on the sly but I understand your frustration. However it’s unrealistic to think your child is going to listen to you every time or consider your feelings, you will butt heads numerous times as she grows. And that doesn’t make her mean it’s normal.

What was the n for then?

If she’s physically disabled does she have any development disabilities or delays - even mild ones? If so impulse control etc will take her longer to achieve and it would be worth sorting out locks on either cupboards or the outside of rooms you want to be able to shut off (not her room, although if early morning mischief becomes a thing a stair gate on her room may work well).

And @FirstMrs, I did a parenting class when she was 6 months old thank u very much

Well maybe its time to another one.

Nobody has questioned whether you have a valid reason to have difficulty with your emotions. Just said you need to get help with them. Ptsd or not, the fact remains that your reaction to your dd's behaviour isn't normal or healthy, and getting angry with other posters won't make it acceptable.

She's 5, and placing the responsibility of your emotional state on her behaviour is one hell of a burden. And it isn't going to cure itself, the older she gets the worse it will become. So either you get help for yourself now, or she'll need it herself when she's damaged by it. Your choice.

Just punish and move on OP I don’t think it’s worth getting upset over.

Most mumsnetters baby their children so much, I can’t believe the “she’s only 5!”

She’s 5. She goes to school. She’s plenty old enough to know not to touch the cake. I have a 3 and a nearly 2 year old and I’ve never even had to ask them to not touch something they’re not supposed to.

And ignore the stupid comments about the Ndd. It’s obvious what you meant, some people are just chronically dense.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time on her OP. An NT nearly 5 year old should know not to destroy something that she’s been specifically told not to touch. She’s not a baby.
I’d be upset too about the cake and the craft. You have my sympathy. I make decorated cakes as a hobby and would be furious if my kids messed with them.

*Here not her

thank u for the comments over night and this morning. I don't know why I'm getting a hard time either.

She is NT but has a genetic condition which means she is physically disabled. Developmentally she is on a par with her cousin who is a 8 months older so nothing 2 be concerned/think about there. She has far more expected of her at school than at home and if she had done something similar there she would have been disciplined far more serverly than here, so I KNOW, I am not asking 2 much. I don't just tell her something once and expect her 2 remember the rest of her life, there are reminders (incidental teaching to u @FirstMRS)

I didn't put anything on my daughter?? I didn't blame her for anything other than what she had actually done (ie the cake), and only because she knew what shed done was wrong, if that had been a year ago she would have not been "punished" and she would have just been told "You mustn't touch food without asking mummy or daddy first", it's not like im expecting her to do something she can't do. She has impulse control, (except plasters but I think that is linked 2 the "being a big girl like mommy" and fixing baddies). She didn't even know that I'd cried just that I was in the bathroom.
I had symptoms of ptsd but I never ever had a melt down, panic attack, flashback in front of her ever, even my health visitor and her preschool teacher commented that they could see how I changed my 'emotional body language' the minute dd entered the same room as me so as not 2 affect her.

Her dad was just walking in from a shift swap, but not sure what difference that would make because even if he was home he works 14 hours, 7 days a week so he's entitled 2 sleep late on his rare day off.

@FirstMrs I don't know what ur problem is but u seem determined to put me down?? I don't need to do another parenting course, I could recite Triple P from memory til I'm blue in the face.

I have indeed moved on from cakegate, I did about 20 mins after it happened, we (dd & I) made another 1 together and then had cake, strawberries and ice cream for supper.

Anyway, not going to come back again as it happened over 24hrs ago, today is a new day, nobody is doing anything 2 test anybody else and the sun is shining (finally).

It’s all abit over the top op hence why people didn’t honk it was real it’s none issue she was abit cheeky did something she shouldn’t have done but there was a conspiracy to upset you she is just a child. Draw a line and forget about it.