To want just one day where I don't get upset by my ndds behaviour

[paranoidanxiety2018]

So today is my birthday, and as we don't have much money I saved the little we do have for my dds birthday (which is Tuesday), and made myself a cake. The sponge cam out beautifully and is probably my best yet. I left it on the side to cool over night ready to decorate. I was woken by my ndd (5 on Tues) at 7am wishing me a happy birthday with a cuddle and a card she made, only to walk in to the kitchen and find she'd taken a spoon and destroyed my cake!!
Why my stuff?? It was going to be a thing of beauty with vanilla buttercream icing and half strawberries all over .
In the last 2 weeks she has broken or almost about 4 items that mean alot to me or things that I desperately needed. Like the whole brand new box of plasters, may seem stupid, but I split the crease of my toe right open (she knew about) and needed those plasters to keep the split clean, dry and fixed to prevent it splitting more, I had no money to buy more. My hobby involving 3 weeks of hard work she came into my bedroom and drew all over it in the early hours.
She doesn't do this to her own things and is in fact the most careful child I have ever met when it comes to her things... so why mine??
Aibu to have wanted just my birthday to be a day where I don't cry, don't feel like she hates me, and don't just want to be mean??
I really really wanted to say something to her, anything to get my hurt and frustration out but i managed to stop myself, realising tht it would solve nothing and only make her as upset as me, so just said "Go to ur room, please"

OP YANBU at all to want just one day when you are not upset by your DD's behaviour. But I think you really need to recognise that the problem, the thing that needs to be addressed with some outside help, is why and how easily you get upset about normal things.

There are practical things you can do to avoid these sort of things happening. Put precious things away out of reach. Supervise more closely until your dd is a little older.

There is a risk that your getting upset is going to upset your dd.

Please, for your sake and hers, ask your GP for help.

@InsomniacAnonymous probably at my post lol, I don't care tho as I know I'm not the only percent this has happened to.

In general for this post I just wanted to grab the popcorn. Its obviously an emotive subject judging by the comments.... OP- come back and respond so we don't all go insane.
In reality, my kids have eaten stuff they aren't supposed to.. they are kids, and it was cake........ummmm cake.
my kids have also come into my bedroom and I have not immediately woken up.
This stuff happens. We can't all be super alert, perfect parents , all. the . time.
The grammar correction etc I always find pathetic.....so some people have bad grammar, me included, people need to get over it or find somewhere else to be goody and get their daily kicks.
But... I do think OP hasn't done themselves any favours by posting and running.
this is just my HO, FWIW and its no more valid than any other posters opinion.

xx

Sorry been without internet.

I meant "not so, dear daughter".
I wasn't having a lie in (Birthday or not) as she has only 2 or 3 times woken up before 8am and I get up at 7.30, I wasn't expecting a "day off from parenting", and the cake was on the kitchen counter because the fridge isn't suitable for cake, also you shouldn't put wa or hot things in the fridge.

I was just hoping that maybe I could want/hope for my birthday of all days where we have a nice day without 'naughtiness'.

She is usually a very kind, caring person who would be upset if she thought she'd upset some1 else.
I think what upset me the most was she didn't just get a spoon and start eating it, but took the spoon and used it to smooch the cake into crumbs and then spread crumbs everywhere (I think in an effort 2 clean up the mess she'd made).

She was 'disiplined' by her dad immediately, but I sent her to her room more because I was really upset and didn't want to say something too harsh or regret later. I really wanted to say "fine, I won't get u a birthday cake at all" but of course I would have been completely out of order.

I can't lock her in her room at night, I don't agree with it, and would be very impractical and unsafe. I also can't lock my own bedroom door but I do think I'm going to have to get locks put on the kitchen and living room doors. It's only in the last 2 weeks or so that this behaviour has started but it's been coupled with attitude, mouth and just a general refusal to do anything I (or her teachers) ask.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I don't think the OP needs to go to her GP for her daughters behaviour.
For the OP's anxiety- yes GP certainly.
But for your DD, try a parenting strategy course, something like incredible years or Solihuil. Its great for learning techniques to help with undesirable behaviour thats age appropriate and child focused.

Sounds like she was trying to help you to finish making the cake.
She’s a baby, she was excited.
All kids love plasters and the rest of it is likely copied behaviour. She sees you using a spoon to make a cake so helps, she sees your project and decorates it to look pretty.
Get some monitors so you can hear when she gets up.
Happy birthday

It sounds like she has poor impulse control, which isn't intentional naughtiness, she had the idea in her head and couldn't stop herself. She may be a little emotionally immature. So's my DS. He's only allowed in their room, our room or the bathroom before we get up. He's never disobeyed this.

This is normal 4 yr old behaviour, if they are left to their own devises. Happy birthday you have a beautiful daughter to share your birthday with you should consider yourself very lucky and blessed. So many women so wish to be in your position so cherish it they grow so fast

Well happy birthday and I hope you're having more fun

I find with similar-age dd that she can get over-excited and a bit hyper sometimes, especially on a special occasion like a birthday. Her 'trying to help' is usually not very helpful! We just have to distract and re-focus her energy as constructively as possible.

Littlechocola she's not a baby, she's nearly 5. DS2 was in yr1 when he was just 5.

I was joking when I mentioned locking her in room, obviously it is unsafe. Also, don't put a collar and bell on her, as tempting as it may be, I believe Social Services frown upon such things

The cake, I meant to put on top of the fridge, not in the fridge. It's the highest surface in my kitchen so it is where I keep things I don't want little hands or paws reaching, your kitchen might be different but you will probably have at least one high surface your DD can't reach. On top of wall cabinets is another place I store things I don't want dogs/small children reaching.

These things are quite handy but some kids learn how to open them pretty quick

I also agree you don't need to see the GP about your daughter's behaviour. She's coming across as perfectly normal for her age in your posts but if you are struggling or feeling anxious/teary/angry it is ok to ask for help for yourself. That's what your GP is there for. I have depression and anxiety and have always found GP's to be supportive and non-judgemental. Things are much easier when you have the right meds/support in place.

completely normal 4year old behaviour.

Try not to sweat the small stuff x

No idea who you're talking about.
Thought you were talking about your neighbour until you mentioned her coming into your room in the early hours.
I think if you're crying over a cake or a box of plasters then there might be a deeper issue here.
It's annoying but small kids lose and break things quite regularly.
You think she hates you because she just being a 4yo?
Could she be craving some attention? Hence doing things that might annoy you so you react to her?

No idea who you were talking about.*

NDD

Happy Birthday OP. I'm sorry you lost your cake. I'd have been upset by that as well.
I'd also have been upset by some of the really arsey comments you've had on this thread.
Hope you can enjoy the rest of your day xx

Happy birthday OP and hope the business with the cake is soon forgotten and you enjoy the rest of your day.

Parenting is tough and sometimes our kids can be really trying and hurtful but they don't do it with malice or forethought as an adult would. They just are not capable of generally feeling any empathy at that age so while it might seem your NDD is doing this deliberately to hurt you I don't think she is. She woke you with a cuddle and a card she had made so focus on that and not the fact she spoiled your cake.

A lesson for the future here for you OP...

... never make up your own acronyms on MN.

Happy Birthday OP.

If your DD is 4 going on 5, you can (and should) tell her that if she gets up in the morning before an alarm has rung in her room, she isn't allowed to leave the room. Get an alarm clock for her room and put it somewhere high so that she can't get at it.

You must tell her not to touch your stuff and if she does and breaks it, there will be consequences for her breaking the stuff, more than just being sent to her room. By taking your stuff and breaking it, she has to learn that it has knock on effects e.g. you need to buy more plasters and this means that the sweets she wanted can't be bought. I would put anything of sentimental value away for a while and when she has understood that Mummy's things are precious and aren't her toys to play with, then you can take them down again.

Could you get a travel gate and put it in her doorway so that if she does wake early, she can't leave her room? She is safe, the door is open but she can't get out? I'd go with the option of an alarm clock and if she doesn't stay in her room playing until the alarm sounds, then she is on a timeout. She gets a star for all the times she stays in her room and once she has a week of stars she gets a surprise (doesn't have to be expensive).

Oh.
I was going to suggest Not David Dickinson.

So I've gone back over most of the thread because my 2nd post was in response to the first page.

I do not leave my dd to fend for her self, starving hungry, with access 2 all manner of dangerous things. She is supervised a great deal more than most kids and anything that I deem potentially dangerous, is put up out of the way, knives and forks are stored in a old jar in the tins cupboard, Everything that can't fit in the kitchen cupboards is in my room ie my craft stuff, tools, LOCKED first aid kit, etc. Plasters, are not dangerous, so they live on my dresser, that is their home. We also live in a flat. A flat that I moved us into from a house because she cant safely manage stairs.
I do not need 2 see a GP about anything. I have difficulties with emotions first thing when I wake up, which is why I set my alarm for 7.30 everyday, whether she's at school or not, so that she doesnt see me upset. I am NOT mean to her, I never have been and would never do that I wanted to rant and moan, because it's not appropriate to verbalize it at home in front of dd.

She is not a baby, she knows very well what she did wrong because when her dad asked her if she knew why I was a bit cross, she said to him "because I broke mummies cake". She also knows not to touch my craft stuff because shes told when I buy something "this is mummies, you mustnt touch it" but Monday, I had to tell her at least 4 times to leave it alone/Not to touch it and she looked straight at me and pushed it across the table, 2am tuesday i was woken up to find her drawing all over it, as soon as I said her name she immediately said "uh oh".
I don't struggle everyday with her and we have a brilliant bond, that people comment on all the time. I know very well what it's like to struggle to give birth to a child let alone get pregnant as she was my 5th pregnancy and took 18 months to conceive.
Yes I have found the last 2 weeks increasingly difficult because it is not what I am used to from her. She is/was a fairly independent child who wants/needs to do everything herself, adamant that she's a big girl now and very empathic, then suddenly I have a almost 5yo who is behaving like a cross between a tantruming toddler and a stroppy hormonal teenager, who when told it wasn't nice to talk to people she replied with a shrug and went off to play. Although I will admit that I am struggling with our financial situation, which I am also not used too.

Thanks for the practical advice I will order a door alarm as soon as possible.

She's so wee. If my kid had done that i would have laughed.

She sounds very intelligent OP. I believe this is a ‘testing the boundaries’ phase. Is the destruction towards only your things? I believe she’s seeking confirmation of what the consequences of certain actions will be. Perfectly natural behaviour. But poor you, and poor cake

learning impulse control is age dependent,

so, a 2 year old will dive for the cake and you can say No but they keep diving. Their impulse is 100 times stronger than their ability to NOt do it because they know they shouldn't. The only way to stop them is to remove them/the item.

By age 7, their impulse control is strong enough that if they know they aren't supposed to do it, they won't, even if the adult is not there.

At age 4-5, they are half way between the two. This is basic brain development, she is not being naughty, her brain is not yet well enough developed. So, Mum says no. While mum is around, even if mum is in the other room, she will probably not do it. Mum says no is stronger than the impulse to do it. But, once mum is out for sight for any stretch of time (eg the middle of the night, when she gets up early etc) then the impulse to do it is going to over come the fact that she knows it is wrong. She KNOWS it is wrong, bu the nudge to do it is strong, and her impulse control is not yet well developed enough to resist.
Yes you can tell her off, or give her a consequence. But she will keep doing it, until her brain has grown some more. And yes, learning there are consequences does strengthen the control part, but she won't get it 100% for a year or two yet.

@urapprentise yes thank u I think this is most definitely it but it has come as a massive shock, she didn't have the terrible two's really and I thought I was the luckiest mum in the world, maybe it was delayed??
Yes it has only been my things, she is very careful with her own things and she hasn't touched any of her dad's things. The thing is I'm the one who does the majority of parenting because dh is out working from before she gets up to not long before she goes to bed, so it would be me that she tests boundaries with but at that time of the morning when a cake and dds card was the only things to make it my birthday, it felt like she hated me more than anything.
We are enjoying the rest of the day with Disney movies and cuddles under duvets.

You are being over dramatic and still placing age inappropriate motivations on a very young child.
It sounds as if you wanted her to behave especially well because its your birthday.
She is still a very young child today, as she was yesterday.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill with your 'it felt like she hated me more than anything'