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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not force my child to go to Romania for Christmas

161 replies

SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 09:23

My ex husband is Romanian. We split up when our dd was 8 months old she’s now 9.

He takes her to romania every summer holiday for a couple of weeks and for a week in the Easter holidays.

Last week he said he wanted to book some dates in the summer holiday from 5th August to 23rd. Usually I just say yes that’s fine but this year I wanted to take her on holiday I’m the summer too.

I’ve never been able to afford to take her on holiday before and have been saving to be able to take dd & ds away.

I said the dates are smack bang in the middle of the holiday meaning I don’t have a lot of freedom to take her away for two weeks myself but he said tough basically.. those were the dates his family are available in Romania and that’s what he’s governed by and his holiday with her is more important than mine because I have her throughout the year.

I said I’m sure she would like to go on holiday with her 2 brothers and Mum too so could he pick the dates either at the beginning of the summer holiday or the second half so I could have the half he didn’t choose. He still said no.

I said so considering he takes her every year that means I will never be able To take her on holiday and he said that’s just tough basically.

In the end I said that I we will keep saving so we can take her away next year and have pick of the dates and he take her whenever he wants this summer... that was fine

Then yesterday he told my dd while he was out with her that he was taking to Romania for Christmas. She told me this morning

I understand that his family want to see her for Xmas and he wants her to experience a Romanian Xmas. But dd was distressed this morning saying she doesn’t Want to go away from home at Xmas.

I asked her why she didn’t tell him that yesterday when she was out with him and she said because he would argue with her.

I said to her that if she wants to go she can and if she doesn’t want to go I won’t force her and that she has to be strong and stand up for what she wants either way.

I sent him a message to explain that she’s not happy to go and suggested his family come over here for Xmas and they’re welcome to come over and see her Boxing Day and spend time with her while they’re here in my house if they want to/if it makes it easier but he replied ‘don’t you dare’ and that ‘life is about compromise and she has to learn that’ (which I think is ironic seeing as compromise is clearly not something he’s capable of)

AIBU to not force her to go to Romania for Christmas?

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 30/05/2018 09:26

I think you need to compromise more

Bunbunbunny · 30/05/2018 09:28

He can’t have it both ways, is access set up by court or informal?

Polyannah · 30/05/2018 09:29

Sorry but it seems very unfair that he never gets a Christmas at home with his family and daughter. He is her Father.

GorgeousGeorge14 · 30/05/2018 09:30

YANBU. It sounds like you are almost being too accommodating, and he knows how to get his own way. Tell him no, and stick to it.

DunnoWhy · 30/05/2018 09:33

I'm not in favour of forcing children to go to places they don't want to go, especially if it's a place she can't return easily, ie return flight, a different country etc.
Christmas is still very important for a 9 year old and she wants the familiarity of Christmases past and present. That's understandable.
If you force her to go and if the experience is not good, it'll be an unforgettable Christmas in the wrong way.
At the age of 9; she has a saying in the matter. If after gently explaining all options, she still wants to spend Christmas at home in familiar surroundings and routine, she says no, then it's a no.
No one should force her, neither of the parents.

Solola · 30/05/2018 09:35

I think summer holidays you need to compromise if that is the regular arrangement. School hols are 6 weeks so you still have 4 weeks to chose from if he has her for 2. but Christmas, yanbu. Her feelings count the most.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 09:37

Doesn't matter what he wants your daughter doesn't want to go, so she doesn't go, end of story.
You should not force a child to go somewhere she is clearly distressed about going. It's not necessary, it hasn't been done before and he didn't even speak to you about it first he just told her she was going.
He sounds like a prize prick.
As for the summer holidays, unless you have court ordered access there is not much he can do about you saying you wpuld like to take her on holiday. He should be able to compromise for one summer so your DD can have a summer holiday with her mother and siblings.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 30/05/2018 09:39

But he asked for the dates in the summer holidays first - you said no

Then he asked for Christmas - you said no

Now you are saying it's up to your DD but I suspect you are influencing her.

Why not let her go, why don't you go to if you are still close. It could be a good experience for her. But I doubt yo will.

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 09:40

It’s not set up by the court. It’s all informal.

I don’t mind her going at all (of course id miss her) I understand he wants her for Xmas aswell and his family would like to see her but I don’t want to force her to go if she doesn’t want to.

I’ve said to her she won’t be missing out on anything as we will have a second Xmas when she gets back but she’s still not wanting to go.

She worries a lot about everything so I don’t want to make her feel like she’s not got a say and make her even more anxious about it.

The only thing that bothers me about her going apart from the fact she doesn’t want to is that he said there’s no way he’s keeping to the tradition I’ve done for 8 years of Santa bringing her a sock as that’s not how they do it in Romania which pisses me off because it’s not just about that it’s what she believes Santa does for every child all over the world. I think it’s important to maintain that tradition

(Sorry for All the typos.. I’ve only had 1 coffee ;) )

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 30/05/2018 09:43

Summer is six weeks you can still take her for two weeks even if he has two in the middle.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 09:44

He sounds like an absolute delight, no wonder you split up. He won't even do one little tradition you have always done for his daughter?
Tell him no. Your daughter is getting upset about the thought of being away, she is still young. He can not force this!

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 09:47

LifeBegins I say yes with no quibbles & have done for the past 8 years.. I’ve said yes to this summer aswell and doing my first holiday with her next year.. It’s just the dates he wanted didn’t leave 2 whole weeks either side and I asked if he could be more flexible

And I agree that it would be a good experience and encourage her goingwith him to Romania every year but I don’t ever want to force her.... especially risking upsetting her over Xmas

It’s not about what I want I know that.. it’s about the kids esp at Xmas

OP posts:
Lycrasock · 30/05/2018 09:48

The only thing that bothers me about her going apart from the fact she doesn’t want to is that he said there’s no way he’s keeping to the tradition I’ve done for 8 years of Santa bringing her a sock as that’s not how they do it in Romania which pisses me off because it’s not just about that it’s what she believes Santa does for every child all over the world. I think it’s important to maintain that tradition

But Santa does not do that for every child all over the world, he only does that for children in mainly England and America.

Where I’m from Santa comes knocking at your door on the 24th, comes into your house and hand delivers the presents. I’ve explained to my kids that he does different things in different places all over the world. Just tell her he doesn’t do this in Romania, but I’m sure he does something else?

And you say she’s old enough to decide where and when she goes on holiday, but not old enough to figure out soon enough anyway that Santa’s not real?

I think you are wanting to deprive her of her Romanian culture.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/05/2018 09:50

If it upsets her tell him no.

He can’t have both Christmas and summer holidays on his terms which is what he’s wanting. It’s unfair to you and on your daughter.

Has he ever asked to take her to Romania for Christmas before?

I think also you should tell him you’re taking your dad on holiday at the beginning of summer and he can take her when you return. Tell him life’s about compromise.

And ruining Christmas for a little kid is obviously going to make her resistant to going away with him for the period. When she’s with him is he hands on with her and spend time with her or does he hand her over to his family?

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 09:53

Lycrasock, don't be so ridiculous! Have you actually read OPs post? Don't make this about someone not wanting their child to experience another culture. It's about OPs DD and the fact she doesn't want to go!

LifeBeginsAtGin · 30/05/2018 09:53

I don't want to appear argumentative, but she has a father who is Romanian who lives a different culture and way of life. This is something you and her have to accept.

You have had a child with someone who does live a British way of life.

VogueVVague · 30/05/2018 09:54

I think its sad that you have her all year and he cant have her for his planned weeks in the summer. Also sad you won't let him give her a traditional romanian xmas. YABU.

VogueVVague · 30/05/2018 09:55

Why dont you all go to romania for xmas? Rent a house.

Aragog · 30/05/2018 09:56

School hols are 6 weeks so you still have 4 weeks to chose from if he has her for 2.

Depends on the dates. A holiday uses up three weekends, which does then mean you struggle for another fortnight away either side. Beginning or end is definitely more fair and easier to work round.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 09:57

I am actually in shock that people are not taking your DDs feelings into consideration here, only the father. Is it his daughters fault he lives in a different country? Nope that was his choice as an adult.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/05/2018 09:58

Am I reading a different thread?

He has her for his chosen dates every single Bhel summer and now he wants to also take over Christmas.

Maybe if he made his child feel excited about Romanian christmases she’d want to go. And he should compromise on one summer where the mother of his child has requested he allow her to also take their child on holiday so he could either have the beginning or the end of summer but he wants slap bang in the middle thereby ensuring op cannot take a proper family summer holiday for the only time she has tried.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 30/05/2018 09:59

*Doesn't

LifeBeginsAtGin · 30/05/2018 09:59

*Doesn't

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 09:59

Fuzzywuzzy

I get the impression it’s about his family and he gets to ‘chill out’ when he goes home. I’m sure he does things with her but I think he gets to go out in the evenings and his mum stays with her.

They do love her and she’s centre of attention when she goes so I know she’s ok there.

He’s just told me he told her yesterday that ‘in Romania there’s no Santa, no sock, no sack or elves on the shelves and she was unhappy but tough she will learn’

What annoys me is he wants Me to value and respect his traditions but he couldn’t even just a lay a sock out (that I made) just to help her to feel better and reassured.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 30/05/2018 10:00

And if the father remains so rigid and unfair his daughter will soon be old enough to vote with her feet.

He needs to start taking her feelings into consideration.

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