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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not force my child to go to Romania for Christmas

161 replies

SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 09:23

My ex husband is Romanian. We split up when our dd was 8 months old she’s now 9.

He takes her to romania every summer holiday for a couple of weeks and for a week in the Easter holidays.

Last week he said he wanted to book some dates in the summer holiday from 5th August to 23rd. Usually I just say yes that’s fine but this year I wanted to take her on holiday I’m the summer too.

I’ve never been able to afford to take her on holiday before and have been saving to be able to take dd & ds away.

I said the dates are smack bang in the middle of the holiday meaning I don’t have a lot of freedom to take her away for two weeks myself but he said tough basically.. those were the dates his family are available in Romania and that’s what he’s governed by and his holiday with her is more important than mine because I have her throughout the year.

I said I’m sure she would like to go on holiday with her 2 brothers and Mum too so could he pick the dates either at the beginning of the summer holiday or the second half so I could have the half he didn’t choose. He still said no.

I said so considering he takes her every year that means I will never be able To take her on holiday and he said that’s just tough basically.

In the end I said that I we will keep saving so we can take her away next year and have pick of the dates and he take her whenever he wants this summer... that was fine

Then yesterday he told my dd while he was out with her that he was taking to Romania for Christmas. She told me this morning

I understand that his family want to see her for Xmas and he wants her to experience a Romanian Xmas. But dd was distressed this morning saying she doesn’t Want to go away from home at Xmas.

I asked her why she didn’t tell him that yesterday when she was out with him and she said because he would argue with her.

I said to her that if she wants to go she can and if she doesn’t want to go I won’t force her and that she has to be strong and stand up for what she wants either way.

I sent him a message to explain that she’s not happy to go and suggested his family come over here for Xmas and they’re welcome to come over and see her Boxing Day and spend time with her while they’re here in my house if they want to/if it makes it easier but he replied ‘don’t you dare’ and that ‘life is about compromise and she has to learn that’ (which I think is ironic seeing as compromise is clearly not something he’s capable of)

AIBU to not force her to go to Romania for Christmas?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 30/05/2018 11:43

We don't know where in the UK the op is but I know schools break up from around 21st July . Although I know some that are going through to the 27th

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 11:53

@Kerryleigh yes he’s an absolute treasure to be around!

@Mummyoflittledragon yes dd has started to ask prying questions about Santa but she still believes in the magic of Santa... I agree that he should be valuing her beliefs, it’s like he has no understanding of children at all... you’d think he would be a little more sensitive and get her excited but it’s almost like he wants her to dread it and be happy about dreading it?!?!

She doesn’t particularly enjoy seeing him on a Tuesday either as he makes her go to a music lesson she wanted to quit years ago... she’s good at playing & I understand why he makes her do it and it’s good that she hasn’t been able to just give up... when he moaned about the fact she doesn’t seem happy to see him I suggested that he come up on a different day so he could maybe do something nice with her and spend quality time rather than dragging her to music lessons and I would take her to her music lessons on Tuesday so he still gets what he wants (her sticking to music) but also able to build a relationship with her but he wouldn’t have it that way. So now it’s after school every other Tuesday and when she’s home from school he usually makes her practice until she leaves for her lesson at 5:30... because she doesn’t want to practice for a solid 2 hours after school he thinks she’s lazy and quite happily tells me that she gets that lazy, slobby, British attitude from me and I’m encouraging her to grow up to be ‘council’ (his words not mine) ....the joys

OP posts:
Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 11:58

@Mummyoflittledragon her last day of school is 24th July... Back on the 6th sep

With his dates there would be less than 2 weeks either side.

OP posts:
Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 12:09

Woe I wouldn't be letting this arsehole anywhere near my daughter with this attitude!

SweetCheeks1980 · 30/05/2018 12:10

I don't know any 9 year olds who believe in Santa but that is pretty irrelevant...

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 12:12

Omg. Poor girl. Making her practice for hours on end. At 9! No wonder she doesn’t enjoy seeing him.

I see why he wants to take your dd when his family is available because he truly can’t be arsed to do anything nice with her. What a prize arsehole.

No he doesn’t get your dd for these dates then. I’d try and take your dd before he takes her and then he can have her for 2 weeks or whatever you find suitable. Remember he needs your permission to bring her out of the country and must bring her back as agreed. If he can’t stick to this then you’ll have to go to court. Issue is the court will probably say every other Christmas and it will probably be this one coming up.

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 12:13

(I talk a lot)

Just to say she’s not lazy at all! She’s up at 6 every morning, gets dressed and ready for school, practices her piano and does extra homework/writes stories because she loves doing more of whatever she’s doing at school ... she then makes me a coffee Wink and brings it in to me... she’s also a member of school council, piano club, violin, drama, choir... and the music lessons she does on Tuesday you name it she wants to do it so it gets me quite angry and frustrated when he accuses her of being lazy!

He’s also said to me in front of her that every child in Romania knows more than her and is smarter than her because they work hard and she’s lazy & will amount to nothing ... there’s no way I let his words get to her and I had to explain to her that he’s just angry and doesn’t understand because he’s not here seeing what she does and how smart she is and that he cares about her and wants her to do well which I think is true I just think he’s going the wrong way about achieving it... he’s trying to use fear and shame to get her to comply (even though she already is) where as he would be better off using praise... shame he can’t see how amazing she already is really

OP posts:
kerryleigh · 30/05/2018 12:20

He’s also said to me in front of her that every child in Romania knows more than her and is smarter than her because they work hard and she’s lazy & will amount to nothing ...
OMG!!!! tell him to f... off!
Ask him how many children in Romania graduate secondary school and are semi-illiterate?! How many bribe their way through school only because their parents have money and they don't give a flying shit about education?! And I could go on and on and on!

Your daughter is a sweetheart and she does a lot for a 9yo Flowers

LifeBeginsAtGin · 30/05/2018 12:24

To be honest the Europeans are more educated - he probably has a point about the lazy UK.

it really sounds like he has no respect for women and doesn't really give a toss about your daughter feelings.

I must be reading something different as I have seen this anywhere on this thread.

OP you are both in difficult positions and are bound to clash. But he was a fault not to discuss Xmas with you first. As we don't know his side of the story we only have the OPs version but he sounds a dedicated father who wants the best for his daughter.

OP, is he only in the UK because of your DD, would he have returned to Romania if there wasn't a child?

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 12:29

@Kerryleigh Your daughter is a sweetheart and she does a lot for a 9yo thank you that’s sweet! Yeah she does a lot... My da on the other hand isn’t really interested in many clubs but that’s ok too.. I just try and encourage them to do what they want to do... I’m not a morning person at all so I don’t understand her one bit but I’m so proud of her and hope she carries on like this into high school Hmm Wink

And yes he’s talking out of arse! He has a warped sense of reality with stuff like this

OP posts:
campion · 30/05/2018 12:34

Sounds like it's not so much a cultural heritage issue, more a control one. She's getting older,he wants more control by putting her in her place (along with the OP unfortunately ).

Your description of his abusive words to his daughter, OP, isn't that of a father who wants the best for his child Sad

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 12:38

@LifeBeginsAtGin he was here by his own choice years before dd came along... he’s always moaned about England.. he moans about everything he’s probably quite depressed and definitely a glass half empty type. I’ve learnt to ignore the constant criticisms and I don’t let them hurt me anymore all I want is what’s best for dd and just ignore him for the sake of their relationship.

He does have a poor attitude towards women in general... especially if they have an opinion... other than his mum. He thinks everyone is against him and Romania but that’s just not The case ... he’s probably deflecting his own thoughts and doubts about it ... he said this morning that ‘dd is half Romanian no matter how much she hates it’ but I don’t know why he thinks that because she’s proud of that and tells everyone about it... we even have Romanian flags in her room and she was making a Romanian flag out of playdough yesterday Grin not a sign of a girl who’s ashamed

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 30/05/2018 12:39

LifBeginsatGin I think you’re wrong. I know many Europeans several French a lot of Eastern European and they not more educated than many English people I know. Not any cleverer nor do they work harder.

The more I read about OP’s ex the worse he sounds. He sounds like an abusive bully.

Original poster
SquidgyBanana · 30/05/2018 12:42

@campion yes sorry that’s true... there’s no excuse for that at all and I did tell him at the time that that was unnacceptable as she was standing beside me when he called ... she didn’t deserve to hear that.

It’s definitely a control issue... Same as in our relationship which fell apart when my focus turned to dd and I had to start standing up for myself so she didn’t grow up thinking what she was witnessing was ok.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2018 12:47

Sounds like he has a bad case of “Saracul de mine” (poor me). Romania has one of the highest school drop out rates in Europe. Or, yes, have their parents bribe their way through school.

nellieellie · 30/05/2018 12:48

Whatever you do, do NOT tell your daughter she must be stronger and tell him no. This is a terrible thing to do to a child. She will be torn between pleasing her dad and pleasing you. Yes, she may be opposed to going but will find it so hard to be the one that basically makes her contact arrangements when there is such disagreement between you. Children can really suffer when they’re in this position. I used to see it all the time in my job many years ago.

RebelRogue · 30/05/2018 13:02

Not getting dragged over who knows more,is more educated etc

Mainly because this is not being Romanian/English issue it's him being a controlling,abusive and dismissive dick with a massive chip on his shoulder issue. He's making it a country issue because that's all he has to hold on to feel superior.

howrudeforme · 30/05/2018 13:02

It’s a hard one. I have the same issue. Ds taken to Italy only when it suits their timetable. In UK xh rarely bothers to do anything with DS. Basically last time was 4 weeks so I had little r&r with DS. DS hated it - it all revolves around that family- no flexibility and they don’t travel here.

everyone needs to offer some compromise these sorts of situation. The parents need to talk about visits and expectations. You might need to be prepared that as dd gets older that she might not been so keen on the family visits and it makes it much harder to maintain family relationships.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/05/2018 13:20

worrid those are not the most likely outcome from a court regarding holidays and neither is a costs order.

It’s one potential outcome. But going to court would be highly likely to benefit the op rather than dad given that he’s the one being fairly uncompromising and not considering that the dd should be able to have things like holidays with Mum as well.

Hissy · 30/05/2018 13:26

Squidgy What does your DD want?

There is your starting point.

"I've spoken to DD about this and she:

  • would prefer to spend christmas here
  • wants to have a holiday with me too, so this needs to be accommodated somehow.
  • wants to give up music lessons
  • would prefer to see you on a different day to Tuesday

Then you go through with it.

He either gets it in his little head that he works with you (and DD) now or wait til the hormones kick in and things get REALLY interesting :)

He's a bully. manipulative, controlling and abusive. He's not a positive presence in her life anyway, so the least amount of time he spends with her the better. Stop being so accommodating. Teach her that her opinion DOES carry weight and while we all have to do some things we'd prefer not to sometimes, we don't have to do everything someone else (who isn't that involved in her day to day) is telling us we have to do all the time.

Notveryladylike · 30/05/2018 13:29

LifeBeginsAtGin, yes you must be reading a different post.
Who are you to say people in the UK are less educated and lazier than in people in Europe?

campion · 30/05/2018 13:55

Sounds like you've been compromising (or acquiescing) with him most of your DD's life,so there's no need to feel uncomfortable about saying no and meaning it.

You're obviously a thoughtful,caring and loving mother and you can probably guess that if he gets his own way on this one,he'll ramp it up over something else in the future.

Why not suggest the legal route to him if he's so fond of compromises.

troodiedoo · 30/05/2018 14:18

I don't say this lightly but I wouldn't let her go abroad with him at all.

Two years max though and I'm almost certain she will be refusing to go of her own accord.

howrudeforme · 30/05/2018 14:39

Op does your daughter speak any Romanian? If not, it must be hard for when visiting.

My ds speaks minimal Italian and it hasn’t improved with his trips there. Although he loves his family he’s uncomfortable alone with them because of the language barrier.

My xh also used his trips home to dump ds with his dm while he slept/went to hang out with his old friends. Ds stuck at home all day with his gran. For a month!

LifeBeginsAtGin · 30/05/2018 15:18

Op does your daughter speak any Romanian? If not, it must be hard for when visiting.

Children pick up languages quickly, and going regularly will improve her Romanian and help her communicate with her grandparents and wider family.

Not speaking the language is not an excuse not to go.