AIBU to not force my child to go to Romania for Christmas

[SquidgyBanana]

My ex husband is Romanian. We split up when our dd was 8 months old she’s now 9.

He takes her to romania every summer holiday for a couple of weeks and for a week in the Easter holidays.

Last week he said he wanted to book some dates in the summer holiday from 5th August to 23rd. Usually I just say yes that’s fine but this year I wanted to take her on holiday I’m the summer too.

I’ve never been able to afford to take her on holiday before and have been saving to be able to take dd & ds away.

I said the dates are smack bang in the middle of the holiday meaning I don’t have a lot of freedom to take her away for two weeks myself but he said tough basically.. those were the dates his family are available in Romania and that’s what he’s governed by and his holiday with her is more important than mine because I have her throughout the year.

I said I’m sure she would like to go on holiday with her 2 brothers and Mum too so could he pick the dates either at the beginning of the summer holiday or the second half so I could have the half he didn’t choose. He still said no.

I said so considering he takes her every year that means I will never be able To take her on holiday and he said that’s just tough basically.

In the end I said that I we will keep saving so we can take her away next year and have pick of the dates and he take her whenever he wants this summer... that was fine

Then yesterday he told my dd while he was out with her that he was taking to Romania for Christmas. She told me this morning

I understand that his family want to see her for Xmas and he wants her to experience a Romanian Xmas. But dd was distressed this morning saying she doesn’t Want to go away from home at Xmas.

I asked her why she didn’t tell him that yesterday when she was out with him and she said because he would argue with her.

I said to her that if she wants to go she can and if she doesn’t want to go I won’t force her and that she has to be strong and stand up for what she wants either way.

I sent him a message to explain that she’s not happy to go and suggested his family come over here for Xmas and they’re welcome to come over and see her Boxing Day and spend time with her while they’re here in my house if they want to/if it makes it easier but he replied ‘don’t you dare’ and that ‘life is about compromise and she has to learn that’ (which I think is ironic seeing as compromise is clearly not something he’s capable of)

AIBU to not force her to go to Romania for Christmas?

I hope everyone suggesting OP sends her daughter away sends their kids off with relatives they don’t know well, or had that experience as children themselves. Her father chooses to see her twice a month, just being someone’s father doesn’t create a relationship by itself.

Christmas with her dad’s family may well be a great opportunity to experience the culture, and learn a bit more of the language. But plenty of adults would just prefer to have a nice time with their family at Christmas, doing the usual stuff. Why can’t a nine year old just have a nice Christmas?

Because the parents have created that atmosphere, playing off on one another.

Nope. Maybe they just hate the NRP.

I was always encouraged to have a positive, warm relationship with my NR-mother. I still resented visiting and hated her. Some things just are that way, without influence. Children are capable of forming their own opinions about their parents/people...

Children are capable of forming their own opinions about their parents/people...

Especially if they’re dicks.

Children are capable of forming their own opinions about their parents/people...

I beg to differ.

We're conditioned to think that our parents treat us correctly - even when they don't.

If it's mind games and manipulation we have NO chance as kids to recognise that it's wrong/harmful. We grow up thinking it's normal. then of course if we DO realise, we get the 'but she/he's your mum/dad...!!"

I'm in my late 40s, I've only realised recently just what my parents actually did. I will never undo that damage.

I’m sure he will tell me he’s not going to do that and she will go miserable and learn a lesson

This is worrying. A decent father would want his child to be happy and comfortable, and would try to convince her to go by explaining how great it would be. He's a very bad father if he intends to force his child to do something she doesn't want to do and teach her a lesson by making her miserable! Your DD sounds terrified of him because apparently he argues with her - who argues with a child?

I certainly wouldn't make my child go if she didn't want to - let the father go to court if it's that important to him. Courts do take children's wishes into account so they might not force her to go to Romania. Or she might only have to go for a couple of years until she's old enough for her wishes to carry more weight.

@Hissy

Well, I made my mind up about my mum pretty early. I realised what she did was wrong and that she didn't love me. Probably because I experienced real love from a different parental figure and was able to make a comparison. Of course it's possible.

@Uyulala @Hissy

It took me until I was 30 to realise that my mum was a toxic narcissist and my step dad was her enabler. I was quickly rejected from the whole family when I dared to question something my mum said. Having been conditioned to be childlike and dependent and have no confidence my whole life I’ve really struggled over the past couple of years to adjust to what being an independent adult was.

I had no work experience, no good education and no prospects and all because I allowed my mum to manipulate me in staying down.

When I met my partner he showed me how I should be treated and I started to become confident in myself... my mum then managed to cast out 15 other members of the family including my brother and now we are all a close family and she is on her own with her enabler.
Funny how the tables have turned.

My mil is amazing, she’s taken me on as a daughter and the unconditional love she shows me is beyond anything I ever knew... theres nothing she wouldn’t do for me or support me with and encourages me with everything.

My mum also spent years using me and brother as weapons against my dad and spewing her hate of him to us. This is something I won’t ever do to my dd. I just want to be There for her like my mil is for me.

SquidgyBanana and Uyulala

Huge hugs to you both, to learn so young is awful. To learn in our 30/40s is just as bad but in other ways

Maybe True for The older generations, and not even all. I m a Romanian and I ve viaited over 25 countries since I was 3,with my parents, and my dad was born 1938.

🧟‍♀️ thread.....