AIBU to not force my child to go to Romania for Christmas

[SquidgyBanana]

My ex husband is Romanian. We split up when our dd was 8 months old she’s now 9.

He takes her to romania every summer holiday for a couple of weeks and for a week in the Easter holidays.

Last week he said he wanted to book some dates in the summer holiday from 5th August to 23rd. Usually I just say yes that’s fine but this year I wanted to take her on holiday I’m the summer too.

I’ve never been able to afford to take her on holiday before and have been saving to be able to take dd & ds away.

I said the dates are smack bang in the middle of the holiday meaning I don’t have a lot of freedom to take her away for two weeks myself but he said tough basically.. those were the dates his family are available in Romania and that’s what he’s governed by and his holiday with her is more important than mine because I have her throughout the year.

I said I’m sure she would like to go on holiday with her 2 brothers and Mum too so could he pick the dates either at the beginning of the summer holiday or the second half so I could have the half he didn’t choose. He still said no.

I said so considering he takes her every year that means I will never be able To take her on holiday and he said that’s just tough basically.

In the end I said that I we will keep saving so we can take her away next year and have pick of the dates and he take her whenever he wants this summer... that was fine

Then yesterday he told my dd while he was out with her that he was taking to Romania for Christmas. She told me this morning

I understand that his family want to see her for Xmas and he wants her to experience a Romanian Xmas. But dd was distressed this morning saying she doesn’t Want to go away from home at Xmas.

I asked her why she didn’t tell him that yesterday when she was out with him and she said because he would argue with her.

I said to her that if she wants to go she can and if she doesn’t want to go I won’t force her and that she has to be strong and stand up for what she wants either way.

I sent him a message to explain that she’s not happy to go and suggested his family come over here for Xmas and they’re welcome to come over and see her Boxing Day and spend time with her while they’re here in my house if they want to/if it makes it easier but he replied ‘don’t you dare’ and that ‘life is about compromise and she has to learn that’ (which I think is ironic seeing as compromise is clearly not something he’s capable of)

AIBU to not force her to go to Romania for Christmas?

5-23 does leave you 2 weeks for a holiday. Yes he should be more flexible though - and a court would make him.

I do think YABU about Christmas. Yes, you have your special tradition, but there will also be special traditions overseas, and she's 9, not 5. We grew up with half the family celebrating Christmas and going to church, and another half that do neither, and it was absolutely fine. Children are remarkably flexible (especially when traditions involve presents!) and more than able to believe there is one Christmas rule in one country and another in another.

I’m surprised she still believes in Santa in all honestly at 9 my 9 year hasn’t believe for a good year

I know loads of 9 year olds who still believe, it's perfectly normal.

My husband’s parents (and most of his friends parents) have never been outside Romania

My Romanian family are an adventurous lot and happily travel to where their daughters now live. In fact we have one arriving tomorrow on the spur of the moment. Language can be a problem but when you’re relationship is cemented by the love of each other’s children, as well as your shared grandchildren, sitting on the couch and holding hands whilst smiling at each other goes along way.

I’m so glad I have my lot in my life and this thread has made my heart sing just thinking about them.

I meant for Christmas not the summer holidays they would still be split 50/50.

so year 1 RP gets to spend chirstmas we the children year 2 NRP gets to spend christmas with the children. While the NRP and RP need permission to take the children out of the country the courts do not like parents being petty and if the RP stamps there feet saying i dont want NRP taking child out of the country (for no good reason) they take a very dim view of this so while yes the NRP would need to go to court to force the RP this is easy and the court will most likely order the RP to foot ALL the court costs.

Hissy It sounds like he is on a power trip and also resentful of the soft and fluffy stuff you have as tradition. he resents you somehow and contact is apparently all for him and his benefit/showing off to family

You hit the nail on the head with this!!! He has always been resentful of anything I say and do and especially with things I do for our dd. I get the feeling he would like to scrub out everything I do for her because according to him it’s not good enough.

He is very resentful of England and will verbally trash English people/cultures at every opportunity and since our dd has been born he has only enjoyed her when it’s been a case of showing her off to his family

He wouldn’t coo over her with me... IYKWIM but he would with them. This is why I worry that really he’s just putting what his mum wants first before his dd

Someone suggested I gently suggest to dd that she might have a fantastic Xmas there and I think I’ll do that and let her know she has time to think about it.

I’ll also explain to him that if he tried to ‘jazz’ up the prospect for her rather than tell her only what she won’t have then he might get a better response from her... I’m sure he will tell me he’s not going to do that and she will go miserable and learn a lesson but in that case I need to be strong and stand up for her.

If I’m honest I do give in to him a lot because I’m nervous around him because of how he talks to me and thinks he can treat me. Standing up to him is hard for me but I need to be there for dd more than I should worry about protecting myself.

I meant for Christmas not the summer holidays they would still be split 50/50

Ah ok, sorry, I misunderstood that.

You daughter doesn't know what the Christmas will be like though so she is not actually making an informed choice and is too young to be doing so. She is 9, but not at an age were Courts will put much weight on her opinion and honestly, rightly so. She has never done Romanian Christmas before, why hasn't this been done already? it is a part of her as much as your Christmas traditions. I am a dual citizen and I was travelling much further then your dd, "alone" bar my younger sibling, from the age of 5 to take part in Christmas' and summers and learn both cultures. And I did not have a say like you are giving your daughter at the age of 9! Btw, I loved it as I got to experience and learn both cultures.

worridmum, she lets intake her daughter out the country twice a year she's hardly stamping her feet and saying no. Has she to let this man control and dictate her DD holidays every year?

Yes to that SquidgyBanana, you need to stand up to him for your DD. She is only 9, old enough to know what she wants but not old enough to stand up to him on her own.

It's tough arranging joint parenting, even when you get on, particularly when it comes to Xmas and holidays.

If you hadn't already booked your holiday I don't think it's unreasonable for you to arrange your holiday in the other four weeks of the holidays so he can fit in with his family. People are sayi he's being unfair, but you don't sound like you're meeting him half way there.

Xmas is difficult. It sounds as though you've had your daughter for every Xmas so far and he's had none, so really it does sound like he ought to have a turn. It's six months away though - you both have plenty of time to work out how to make it appealing to her. It sounds like you both need to work out how to communicate better. She ought to be learning more about her other culture and traditions, not growing up just one way.

I am only saying that if she says no now and he takes it to court he will get to have her every other christmas no negotiation she will be forced to do it while now she has had her for Chistmas every year and this is the first she wont. Does she want to be stuck with a situation when she only gets her for 1 Chistmas every 2 years?

She is her father if it goes to court they will most likely order that she goes every other year so dont force the issue as the court will most likely order that and you will be LEGALLY forced to send her compromise compromise it is better then being court ordered.

Which is wrong anyway. If only the children could tell the court to fuck off and stop meddling with their lives.

SquidgyBanana, it really sounds like he has no respect for women and doesn't really give a toss about your daughter feelings. No wonder she doesn't want to go.

Next year she wont believe in Santa, I would suggest she goes then. The traditions will be a bit less important when she knows Santa doesn't do it and that it is her parents that make it what it is.

*People have to do things they don't want to do and it is not wrong in enforcing this? Child does not want to go to school what good parent says fine you don't need to go? or again with other stuff when does the parents have the right to overrule the child's feelings?

Should i not force my DD to brush her teeth and so she will have shocking teeth when older? should i respect her feelings even if its determental to their future?

So give over.*

Not going to school or brushing your teeth have serious negative consequences. Not going to your daddy's for Christmas does not.

So give over.

@worridmum
Well currently the ex is demanding his pick of all major holiday periods - Easter, summer and now Christmas. How is that fair?

Well currently the ex is demanding his pick of all major holiday periods - Easter, summer and now Christmas. How is that fair? He can't do this, and Op needs to stand her grounds and make these things as balanced as possible but in the instance of her going to Christmas this year to her fathers family for the first time in 9 years I am backing the x up on this. OPs DD does need to know her background and what the norm is for both families. I do not agree to the arrangement that was done for this summer but OP and her x came to an agreement.

Op, I hope you get this sorted out without too much upset. 💐

It sound more like OP was bullied into that agreement.

The 25th is not what they consider their main celebration. And yes, they’re Orthodox.
@TeisanLap
I am Orthodox, born in Romania and lived half of my life there. 25th is Christmas Day and it is the main celebration for the vast majority. As I said, there are some Slavic Orthodox villages / towns close to the border with Ukraine and Moldova (Republic) and they celebrate Christmas in January
@SquidgyBanana I think your ex is totally unreasonable regarding the traditions. Of course these days we can accommodate anything with a bit of will and common sense.
If my daughter didn't want to go somewhere even after discussions, I wouldn't force her

Op, Christmas in Romania is not the 25th December. Errr yes it is!

There also is a Santa,just has a different name. There is also St Nicholas that brings sweets and small gifts on the 6th of December.

Tbh he's a dick,if the promise of a sock would make her more comfortable/likely to go it's not a hard thing to compromise on. As it stands it's about what he wants and how he wants it.

Christmas in Romania can be magical and great fun(especially with all the snow) but only if she's happy to go.

He needs to make his DD's life happier and easier not the other way around.

He is very resentful of England and will verbally trash English people/cultures at every opportunity @SquidgyBanana -
Oh! he's one of those! I "love" them! and I don't miss any opportunity to verbally trash them when they start going on about how smart they are and how stupid is everybody else!
He must be a joy to be around

My dd is 9 and will be 10 next Christmas. She still believes in Santa. Although the belief is wobbling and last year she said somd of her classmates don’t believe.

Your ex is not only being nasty to you but more importantly cruel to his own dd. He has as good as said to her that Santa doesn’t exist and completely trashed her culture and beliefs. Personally I think you should continue to do Christmas at yours at least until she reaches secondary school by which time she’ll know the truth. There is nothing wrong with him taking her to Romania on Boxing Day afterall.

I also agree with others upthread that he shouldn’t get pick of the holidays. He has her at Easter. You get her at Christmas. That’s very fair. And he doesn’t get to dictate to you when he takes your dd. Your are the RP. He asks.

I’m sure he will tell me he’s not going to do that and she will go miserable and learn a lesson

I wonder what lesson she will be learning.

Not to go away with her father again

Could I just ask, not that I think you should accommodate his demand to the summer holiday. Is there any reason you can’t go away before these dates in August? Idk when your dds school holidays are. And he’s demanding 3 weeks. Wow.