AIBU to not force my child to go to Romania for Christmas

[SquidgyBanana]

My ex husband is Romanian. We split up when our dd was 8 months old she’s now 9.

He takes her to romania every summer holiday for a couple of weeks and for a week in the Easter holidays.

Last week he said he wanted to book some dates in the summer holiday from 5th August to 23rd. Usually I just say yes that’s fine but this year I wanted to take her on holiday I’m the summer too.

I’ve never been able to afford to take her on holiday before and have been saving to be able to take dd & ds away.

I said the dates are smack bang in the middle of the holiday meaning I don’t have a lot of freedom to take her away for two weeks myself but he said tough basically.. those were the dates his family are available in Romania and that’s what he’s governed by and his holiday with her is more important than mine because I have her throughout the year.

I said I’m sure she would like to go on holiday with her 2 brothers and Mum too so could he pick the dates either at the beginning of the summer holiday or the second half so I could have the half he didn’t choose. He still said no.

I said so considering he takes her every year that means I will never be able To take her on holiday and he said that’s just tough basically.

In the end I said that I we will keep saving so we can take her away next year and have pick of the dates and he take her whenever he wants this summer... that was fine

Then yesterday he told my dd while he was out with her that he was taking to Romania for Christmas. She told me this morning

I understand that his family want to see her for Xmas and he wants her to experience a Romanian Xmas. But dd was distressed this morning saying she doesn’t Want to go away from home at Xmas.

I asked her why she didn’t tell him that yesterday when she was out with him and she said because he would argue with her.

I said to her that if she wants to go she can and if she doesn’t want to go I won’t force her and that she has to be strong and stand up for what she wants either way.

I sent him a message to explain that she’s not happy to go and suggested his family come over here for Xmas and they’re welcome to come over and see her Boxing Day and spend time with her while they’re here in my house if they want to/if it makes it easier but he replied ‘don’t you dare’ and that ‘life is about compromise and she has to learn that’ (which I think is ironic seeing as compromise is clearly not something he’s capable of)

AIBU to not force her to go to Romania for Christmas?

I would imagine at Christmas, money might be a bit tight for some to think about hiring a house (very expensive over the holiday period) in Romania for a whole family including flights and probably a hire car.

Squidgybanana I thought that may be why he wants to take her to Romania, so he can play the caring wonderful dad and put in little actual effort.

If he cared he’d compromise on summer holiday and take her to romania either beginning or end of summer and take care of her himself, on the days his family are busy instead of offloading her to his family for the entire holiday.

Can’t he take her for Orthodox Christmas (assuming he is Romanian Orthodox), so in early January, instead?

Op, Christmas in Romania is not the 25th December.

SquidgyBanana, exactly your culture and traditions thrown to one side!
Also the fact she didn't tell her father she didn't want to go because he would argue with her says something too, not that he would be disappointed or upset but he would argue with her! Sounds like daddy doesn't really respect your daughter feeling much at all.

It's not really about whether the father wants to have her for xmas in Romania. It's about what the daughter wants. Xmas is a magical time for most kids and she absolutely shouldn't be forced to go somewhere she doesn't want to. The adults should be the ones to make the compromises, not the child. It's not her fault that her parents live in different countries, she didn't choose this set up so why should she be to one to accept she has to do things she doesn't want to when her parent isn't willing to do the same. If her father wanted to spend xmas so badly with her he could come over, or as someone else suggested OP could go over.

He’s just told me he told her yesterday that ‘in Romania there’s no Santa, no sock, no sack or elves on the shelves and she was unhappy but tough she will learn’

A Romanian Christmas is great. Both of my daughters in law are from there and as an extended family our Christmas Celebratons go on for weeks.

Sorry but it seems very unfair that he never gets a Christmas at home with his family and daughter. He is her Father.

And she is a person and gets a say in what she does.

I she should go, and your attitude will be formative in whether she sees it as a big adventure or not.

I think it is particularly wrong to deny both a summer and a Christmas visit in the same year - she shouid be seeing her family there at least annually.

If you think she needs longer to prepare for Christmas wth her father, then I strongly recommend you rearrange so she can have summer with her family there and agree his Christmases are split after this year.

It sounds like you two are going to fight like cat and dog over this.

Why wouldn't she want to go for christmas if she already goes at Easter and school hols - unless you've already started saying things like "Christmas morning won't be the same with you, it' will just be me and your brothers - we'll be so sad"

Perhaps he feel's at 9 years old she is able to come over for Xmas, perhaps his family would like their granddaughter to experience their traditional season?

If you were reversed and you were the Romanian, MN would be falling over themselves supporting your side of the story.

I don't see he has done anything wrong.

TeisanLap I know I absolute love that she is half Romanian and gets to experience the culture and I think it has benefitted her life so much.. I made a choice to hav a baby with someone from another culture and i know I have to accept that I have to let her go... it was hard him taking her there without me the first time when she was 4 but it gets easier now she’s older I just don’t want to force her.

Just to say her father lives 1hr 30 away from us in the UK and can see her whenever he likes. Usually he sees her every other Tuesday as that’s what he wants but he could come whenever.

He used to see her every week but it was expensive to travel up every week and he has to work.

I actually think you're being a but unreasonable.
You seem to have your daughter 90% of the time.
I think you should honour his dates.

The Christmas thing is a bit awkward but I think she should go and, if anything, she might realise how lucky children in the UK are and how privileged they are. Plus once she's there she may enjoy herself, especially if her Romanian side of the family love her as much as you say.

You can have a second Christmas when she gets back l.

I do think she should be encouraged to at least do one Romanian Christmas. It'll still be magic even if it's different.

We are a bicultural merged family and everyone has adapted to the different traditions and none of the kids have minded at all.

Op, your daughter should go. It will be a wonderful experience for her. Romanians know how to have a great time and it’s my experience that it’s family first and foremost. My Romanian lot have only enhanced our lives with their approach to familiy spending time together.

But what surprises me more than anything is that you appear to know absolutely nothing about Romanian traditions despite having a child with a Romanian.

www.whychristmas.com/cultures/romania.shtml

We are a bicultural merged family and everyone has adapted to the different traditions and none of the kids have minded at all

We have other cultural influences in the familiy also. There’s 4 in play at any one time. I love that we do.

Sounds like daddy doesn't really respect your daughter feeling much at all

Actually it seems like he doesn't respect anyone's feelings but his own.

I get the feeling like he is treating your DD as a commodity not a person.

I don't think op said anything about denying him his summer holiday with his dd. She just asked him to move it a few days so she could have a couple if weeks away with her dd too.
Op wasn't denying him Christmas holidays either it is the dd who doesn't want to go.

Op, Christmas in Romania is not the 25th December.

Christmas in Romania is on 25th of December. Slavic Orthodox celebrates Christmas in January, 6th I think. There are few towns/villages along the border with Ukraine that might celebrate the Slavic Christmas.

Also, there is Santa. He comes on the night of 24th and he can bring the gifts in any shape or form, including a sock

LifeBegins Why wouldn't she want to go for christmas if she already goes at Easter and school hols - unless you've already started saying things like "Christmas morning won't be the same with you, it' will just be me and your brothers - we'll be so sad"

I think it’s because he’s told her there’s no sock /sack/elves and hasn’t sat there saying ‘there’s this that happens and that that happens’ he expects her to be excited about the traditions without actually telling her what’s going to happen and why it’s so great and how much fun she could have

In fact I’ve done the opposite... I’ve said she could hav a great experience and we will miss her but we can phone and have Xmas when she gets back and all her presents will still be there waiting.. id happily have two Xmas dinners ;)

Of course I would miss her and I’m not going to make her think I wouldn’t but I have to let her know it won’t hurt me if she goes and honestly it wouldn’t

If she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to. There's no point DH forcing her against her will because she won't enjoy it.

I'd leave it until she's a bit older and less fearful of the experience.

So he stopped visiting or doing the hard work bits of parenting - and now uses that as an excuse to get the fun times too?

As it's informal still, tell him the dates you are away, he can have DD after that. (Go at the start of the school holidays, so you aren't reliant on him bringing her back on time)

For Christmas, leave it a few days, ask her again how she feels and if it's still a "no", tell him it's a no. If his family want to come to the UK you'll welcome them in your home for the afternoon/he can have her Boxing Day until the end of the school holidays.

He doesn't get to just step away from parenting when it's difficult then dictate to you. If he can't be arsed, the person who can be arsed is the one who's wishes get priority.

Not sure where some of the PPs are gettting the information that Romanian Christmas isn’t 25th December from that its “early January” - my husband is Romanian and is Orthodox (as is his whole family) and whenever we have gone for Christmas it is celebrated on 25th December (as Christmas Day) - only difference is that they do their CHristmas meal/main celebration (presents etc) on the evening of the 24th (and do midnight services then).

I can understand it from OP’s point of view - I love my DH to bits, but I do find that Romanian men want everything their own way. From personal experience they are not really ones for compromise and like to have their own way. Can be frustrating at times and I’m guessing the fact that’s he’s an Ex makes him even more this way with you. Do any of his family speak English - could you chat with them about how your DD is feeling (his parents may be more understanding than him).

Also you can tell your DD that if she does go, she’ll have an awesome time, it really is lovely over there at Christmas, lots of food and dancing and a fantastic atmosphere. :-)

A child does NOT want to go to the dentist shes a person in their own right so we wont make them go......

She is her father if it goes to court they will most likely order that she goes every other year so dont force the issue as the court will most likely order that and you will be LEGALLY forced to send her compromise compromise it is better then being court ordered.

Just to say her father lives 1hr 30 away from us in the UK and can see her whenever he likes. Usually he sees her every other Tuesday as that’s what he wants but he could come whenever.

So her father lives in the UK but chooses to only see her 2 days per month? I didn't get this from your OP and thought he was living in Romania and only saw her in the holidays.

and he demands Easter, his pick of the holidays and now wants Christmas as well!

I think you need to formalise the arrangements so that he doesn't get to choose all of the fun times.

Oh and the other thing I meant to add, is that for those who haven’t been to Romania and are suggesting his family come over, you just don’t realise how parochial most of them are. They grew up in a communist country where they couldn’t travel anywhere and so most of them still don’t. My husband’s parents (and most of his friends parents) have never been outside Romania. THey certainly wouldn’t travel to us (we are in NZ) even though they haven’t met their 1 year old grandson. Lots of the parents generation also don’t speak any English, which is quite difficult for them.

Sometimes the child's wishes should NOT be taken into account as it is in their best intrests.

Child does not wish to brush their teeth / go to the dentist/ doctors /school we still force them and ignore their wishes. We should not just use their wishes when we as parents don't want to do something.

She is her father and she should be exposed to half her culture chirstmas traditions are different the world over just because she will be exposed to something slightly different is not justiable reason to refuse.