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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH prioritising friends over family holiday

172 replies

Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 08:26

We don’t have a huge amount of money at the moment and my dad & step mum have kindly paid for us all to go on a UK family holiday for a week later on in June. We’ve got a 2 yr old so I think mostly they are looking forward to spending time with him as they don’t live close by.
Dates were booked and confirmed a while ago and the holiday is Fri-Fri.
A week after the holiday was booked, DH announced that he wanted to save some holiday days for later in the year (Ok, I get that there are other things we want to do at Christmas and he doesn’t have a huge amount of holiday). So we agreed DH would just come with us Fri - Wed.
A couple of weeks after that he said he forgot he’s got an important rugby match on the Friday eve so we agreed he would come on the holiday Sat - Wed.
Last night he said his friends are doing their annual 15 mile / 15 pub walk on the Saturday, and he’ll have a hangover afterwards so said he wants to come on the holiday Sun eve - Wed.
that’s when I had a mini meltdown! It’s only 3 friends doing the walk this year, and it’s only them (not a big organised thing) so my argument is that they can just move the date rather than shave yet another day off the holiday that my parents have paid for! But apparently not as it needs to be in June (who knows why!) and that’s the only date the others can do.
Maybe I’m being unreasonable as I’m tired!
So... thoughts? I feel like telling him to just sod the whole holiday and not come at all!

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 30/05/2018 08:31

I think it would depend on how you would feel during the holiday. If you would be quite happy and relaxed, go for it. If you would feel stressed and angry then don't. What about suggesting he comes for the back end rather than the beginning?

Mammyloveswine · 30/05/2018 08:33

Wtf? So he agreed to the holiday and has now "remembered" a load of other plans he "Can't miss". When do you get a break to just do your own thing?

Threads like this piss me off... dads just continuing like they have no responsibilities!

I think hes being incredibly rude and that you have been very very understanding so far! Surely him travelling separately will cost? Also him spending money drinking in 15 bloody pubs isn't exactly going to be cheap! Selfish man!

What else is he using his holidays for? Is suggest he keeps 3 days to look after your toddler whilst you go off for a break with the girls!

NewIdeasToday · 30/05/2018 08:35

It sounds like he doesn’t really want to go on a family holiday including your parents. Would you have a more relaxing time if he just doesn’t go?

Returnofthesmileybar · 30/05/2018 08:36

Annual walk with 3 friends? That's a joke, he wants to go on the lash. Yanbu, I'd be cross, I think I'd actually tell him just to stay at home, nothing worse than a reluctant participant in anything and he clearly doesn't want to be there

Babdoc · 30/05/2018 08:39

If he doesn’t want to go, he should have damn well said so before his poor in laws paid for the bloody thing! Now that they have, he should do the decent thing and go along on it. All of it. Otherwise, he’s being totally selfish, and obviously prefers his mates to his own wife and family.

AtSea1979 · 30/05/2018 08:43

I’d be very pissed off. That’s the whole weekend gone. I can’t imagine your parents would be pleased either. Have they booked a 3 bed place when they could of paid for 2 or a family room instead of twin?
Ask if they can switch their booking and go without him. But make sure you get back your childfree days.

Hideandgo · 30/05/2018 08:43

He’s behaving like he doesn’t have a family. Selfish prick. Has he asked if you’re ok to do his share of the daily parenting on all these days?

Prestonsflowers · 30/05/2018 08:43

I think your DH is being selfish, if I was you I’d tell him not to bother.
I’d also be suspicious of the rugby match on the Friday, the Rugby season has finished and doesn’t start again until September.
But maybe that’s just me!

hollyholightly · 30/05/2018 08:45

I would be so pissed off.

So it's a paid for holiday by your parents as you've got hardly any money but how much is the rugby and piss up costing? If you're skint with a kid you can't afford piss ups.

Weezol · 30/05/2018 08:47

The first change he requested was reasonable. The rest? Taking the piss, massively.

I'm a cynic, so I suspect he's winding you up so that you kick off and he can play the 'Well, I just won't come at all if you're going to be like this about it'.

Either it rolls back to the plan agreed after the first change, or I would be asking him if he actually wants to be part of this family or not.

starryeyed19 · 30/05/2018 08:48

You're not being unreasonable. He is taking the piss. It sounds like he doesn't want to go but doesn't want to tell you

Beaverhausen · 30/05/2018 09:00

You are definately not being unreasonable, I think your husband needs to get his priorities straight.

You need to sit him down and tell him that, if he throws a tantrum and refuses to change you need to make a decision for yourself and your DC. As things will only become a lot more difficult for you with a selfish self invested man.

SlowDown76mph · 30/05/2018 09:02

Tell him he's not invited anymore. He'd only be there under sufferance and will just spoil it for you. He's literally choosing to piss away family income and life. Take the time away to have a good think.

Juells · 30/05/2018 09:03

He doesn't want to go, so go without him and have a relaxing time. I kind of understand how he feels, I wouldn't want to use up my holidays staying with in-laws. There's nothing to stop him being honest about that though.

I'd spell it out to him that I'm not going to oblige by getting angry so he has an excuse to flounce.

MaryShelley1818 · 30/05/2018 09:08

I understand maybe wanting to save a couple of days leave for other things so Fri-Wed seems fair enough but the rest is totally unacceptable.
Why can’t he just say he’s on a family holiday so can’t make that weekend?
My DP would never ever prioritise anything over family time. That’s so rude towards your parents too, I would be so embarrassed.

Shambu · 30/05/2018 09:09

He's an adult, he's agreed to this holiday. It's really rude and disrespectful to you and your parents to keep inventing twaddle he can't miss in order to stay away.

If he really didn't want to go then the time to say was before it was booked.

My sister manages a week's holiday per year with PIL she really doesn't like for their sakes and the sake of her DH's and her kids.

Singlenotsingle · 30/05/2018 09:14

Tell him the holiday's off and you'll go the following week instead, when he is available! Just to see what the reaction is! Personally, I'd be suspicious...all these excuses? What's going on?

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 30/05/2018 09:14

Maybe he doesn't want to spend time with his in-laws, how do they get on? Would you be happy to holiday with your in-laws? If that is the case he should be honest and stop looking for excuses

MsHomeSlice · 30/05/2018 09:14

the time for him to have alternative plans passed when he said yes to going

Seems to me he had no intention of going and has taken your consent for him to curtail his involvement in this as carte blanche to please himself.

Selfish and rude! I'd be laying that out for him to peruse and depending on his reaction I would be having serious words...and they would not be accompanied by a "mini meltdown" either. ...this sort of thing requires serious action imo.

Juells · 30/05/2018 09:15

My sister manages a week's holiday per year with PIL she really doesn't like for their sakes and the sake of her DH's and her kids.

Why should she, though?

I'm leaning towards sympathy for the DH in this instance.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2018 09:15

I would cynically be wondering what he's really getting up to while you are away...sounds like he's planning a nice long time alone...

Juells · 30/05/2018 09:16

...because I know I'd probably do the same thing if I only had a couple of week's holiday in the year. Who wants to stay with in-laws?

Puttingthefootdown · 30/05/2018 09:17

We rarely go on holiday so my partner wouldn't give that up for anything including a rugby match. Call me a cynic, but no way would a stand for that shite!

MsHomeSlice · 30/05/2018 09:17

and where is all the money coming from for him to go off walking, drinking and fraternising at the rugby?

he's too short of money to fund a holiday for his own family, rude enough to reject a family holiday with the inlaws and suddenly can afford rugby, booze, travel and more booze?
Everyone knows how much these days out cost!

Ellboo · 30/05/2018 09:21

I think fair enough not to want a holiday with the in-laws BUT it’s worrying that he isn’t being honest with you (do you often struggle to communicate with each other?) and it only works if you get to plan a weekend away with friends leaving him with the kids another time.

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