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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH prioritising friends over family holiday

172 replies

Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 08:26

We don’t have a huge amount of money at the moment and my dad & step mum have kindly paid for us all to go on a UK family holiday for a week later on in June. We’ve got a 2 yr old so I think mostly they are looking forward to spending time with him as they don’t live close by.
Dates were booked and confirmed a while ago and the holiday is Fri-Fri.
A week after the holiday was booked, DH announced that he wanted to save some holiday days for later in the year (Ok, I get that there are other things we want to do at Christmas and he doesn’t have a huge amount of holiday). So we agreed DH would just come with us Fri - Wed.
A couple of weeks after that he said he forgot he’s got an important rugby match on the Friday eve so we agreed he would come on the holiday Sat - Wed.
Last night he said his friends are doing their annual 15 mile / 15 pub walk on the Saturday, and he’ll have a hangover afterwards so said he wants to come on the holiday Sun eve - Wed.
that’s when I had a mini meltdown! It’s only 3 friends doing the walk this year, and it’s only them (not a big organised thing) so my argument is that they can just move the date rather than shave yet another day off the holiday that my parents have paid for! But apparently not as it needs to be in June (who knows why!) and that’s the only date the others can do.
Maybe I’m being unreasonable as I’m tired!
So... thoughts? I feel like telling him to just sod the whole holiday and not come at all!

OP posts:
senioritabonita · 30/05/2018 13:11

Why do you want him to come? I'd tell him not to come at all and then organise a br with my friends another time and he can stay home with dc.

mummymeister · 30/05/2018 13:18

beeper well done for doing the spending app. it can be very enlightening. just because its the thing that his mates do doesn't mean he has to join in. FWIW I think he seems to get a lot more me time and spend more on himself than you seem to be doing. is that the case?

he needs to realise that as you are not working, belts need to be tightened and things need to be different. that means not spending a couple of hundred quid on getting pissed rather than going on an essentially free family holiday.

you say you are planning to go back to work but who knows until the baby arrives. This might be the sort of money that you need to live on from now on so he needs to have some behaviour changes. plus looking after 2 is not twice as much work - its much more than that in the beginning.

you need to tell him how unhappy you are - that he would sooner be pissed than spend time with his family. you cant stop him if he wants to do it and as others have said this is building up to him not coming along at all.

so tell him he needs to tell your family - he is an adult and needs to stand by his own choices and decisions. then also tell him that you are not going to Scotland he can take both kids on his own. and then you really have to stick to it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 13:22

he sees paying to stay away from home as a waste of money

Well there’s 3 of you now. He doesn’t get to decide for all 3 of you. Holidays are a truly wonderful experience for children. So that’s 2 against 1 in my book. Why are you letting him decide everything? And a couple of us have said about not going to Scotland. With your update, would he even go alone?

thatsscottishtender · 30/05/2018 13:28

Drinking at the pub every weekend and going to a gig/party twice a month is actually quite a lot op. He sounds like he's still living the single life. But cos his mates are twice as shit he thinks he's 'good'. I bet you don't get out as often. He just wants a week to go out on the piss.
He doesn't sound like he takes his responsibilities very seriously. I hope you plan on staying home the week of your Scotland holiday and let him take care of the kids.

Alienspaceship · 30/05/2018 13:31

Definitely make him explain himself to your parents. And make him take toddler to Scotland while you have your own ‘mini break’ doing what the hell you like.

Johnnyfinland · 30/05/2018 13:39

He was definitely unreasonable not to say at the time of booking, and he should pay your parents back for the days he won't be there. Other than that I don't actually think it's a problem in a general sense to prioritise friends and hobbies providing both partners get the same amount of downtime obviously.

I find comments like "what is it with men and hobbies, they've got a family now" bizarre, are people just meant to give up all their friends and interests once they've got a family? You can see your family in your house every morning and evening and weekend, surely it's the keeping up with friends and hobbies that you actually have to make time for outside the home?

In this case yes he is being a dick for only announcing his plans at the 11th hour once everything's been paid for but I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to prioritise time away from your family sometimes to maintain your own interests, people don't stop being individuals once they get married and have kids. Just make sure you get the same OP.

Poptart4 · 30/05/2018 14:08

I'd be loath to tell him not to go because that's exactly what he wants. To spend the week living as a single man, getting drunk with his mates and if your the one that tells him not to come then he can do it guilt free. Meanwhile your pregnant and looking after a toddler all by yourself. How is that fair?

A word of warning Op, the first family holiday we went on when I was a child my dad didn't come because him and mam had a fight the day before. That set the tone and my dad never went on any family holiday ever with us. He considered it his week to do what he wanted. Massively unfair on my mam who had to cope with 5 kids on her own every year. Not much of a holiday for her.

If you agree he doesn't have to go at all now then there's no reason why he should go any year. Start how you mean to go on.

There's nothing wrong with wanting abit of me time but the way he's gone about it is what would annoy me. He's been very sly and underhand. Had he been honest from the start I'd be more understanding.

How often do you go our or get a break away from ds? If the answer is not very, then you really need to change this op. You both should have equal time to yourselves. What's good for the goose...

GabriellaMontez · 30/05/2018 14:28

Let him tell your Dad. Don't cover for him. He's let you all down. Clearly prioritised friends and booze over your holiday.

He doesn't sound short on 'me' time.

SilverBirchTree · 30/05/2018 14:33

Angry on your behalf op.

Original poster
Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 20:26

Ugh I know nobody particularly wants an update but just spoken to him about it and need a rant!
DH is behaving like a sulky teenager!
“It’s really unfair I’ve been looking forward to this pub crawl all year” (then you should’ve planned a date in advance you could keep free if it was that important?!)
“nothing will be going on at the holiday cottage anyway” (we’ll be relaxing as a family and I’ll be looking after our son - if you didn’t want to go you should have said before we booked it!)
“My friends will be really disappointed if I don’t go” (well maybe you should propose another date as there’s only 3 of you!)
He’s trying to bargain by offering to not go to a cricket match later in the year instead (?! Totally not the point the cricket doesn’t clash with anything and his grandad bought his ticket for him)
Aaaaagh

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 30/05/2018 20:55

“My friends will be really disappointed if I don’t go”

vs his children and wife will be disappointed!? FFS

Original poster
Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 21:03

Frustrating thing is I don’t really want him there now if he is going to behave like a sulky child! Agh there’s no win for me here really

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/05/2018 21:05

How about he sacrifices one of his later-in-the-year days (are they really all for "family"?) and goes until Thursday?

And he doesn't see the point of staying away from home? He must be the one of only people in the world who doesn't like a holiday Hmm

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/05/2018 21:08

Frustrating thing is I don’t really want him there now if he is going to behave like a sulky child! Agh there’s no win for me here really

No. No no no. This is playing into his hands. I've been there with an ex and let him get away with that. Yes it made for a less stressful trip but I hated him for it and was the death knell for our relationship. Don't go there.

Leeds2 · 30/05/2018 21:19

I would tell him not to bother coming on the holiday at all. Your DF and SM will know what a twat he has been, and it will make for a very uncomfortable atmosphere.
Tell him to go to Scotland with your DS. You book things to do with your friends during that time.
Work out how much he will be spending on beer, tickets etc, and tell him that you are taking the same amount from the family budget to use for your own entertainment.
Tell. him that you are very disappointed that he feels unable to let his three friends down, but has no problem in letting down you, his son, your DF and your SM.

Inertia · 30/05/2018 22:21

I agree with Maras- he's cutting down the days until it's no longer worth him bothering to come.

The Scotland trip sounds like the ideal time for you to let DH take DS while you catch up with our friends. Wait until after he's booked everything to tell him though.

Weezol · 30/05/2018 23:05

He's choosing his friends and alcohol instead of you and his children - and wasting family money into the bargain.

After your updates I think the holiday is a red herring - it's simply selfish, arrogant and hurtful behaviour from him - I'd bet my bank balance it's not the first time he's acted like this.

This would be a deal breaker for me, you & DC being worth less to him than a fucking pub crawl.

Loopytiles · 31/05/2018 04:39

Don’t fall into the trap of him not coming: that’s what he wants. Inform him that you wish him to be there for the full time, as he promised you and your parents at the time of booking. If he decides to miss part of it you will be hurt and angry, as you already are. And that he needs to speak directly to explain his decision to your parents.

The time for him to say he didn’t fancy it was before the holiday was booked. He said he would go, your parents booked and kindly paid for it, and he is being rude and selfish towards you all by subsequently reneging on the commitment to miss ANY of it for social things he’d prefer. And for making it so clear that he would prefer the other thinhs to holidaying with you.

He is also proposing to spend family money, which is tight right now, on a boozy weekend (when your budgeting shows his spending on booze is already high) and presumably also increased transport costs.

And then displaying anger when this behaviour is challenged.

This has a bearing on your future decisions on WoH. Sorry that you quit a well paid job due to bad experiences at work. Suggest in considering work options you don’t rule out the higher paid, even FT roles. It’d be taking a big risk, medium to long term, to be financially dependent on someone who behaves like this.

If you continue AH he could, for example, say things like “I work hard / earn the money so I deserve it”, “I missed X [boozy social event] with Y because of you/the DC, I have now planned Z”.

Cornishclio · 31/05/2018 08:04

I think I would feel hurt if my DH had chosen friends and the pub over me and our 2 DDs. You are right though there is no win here. If you insist he will act like a sulky teenager and spoil the holiday for everyone else but if you relent you set a precedent for him not going on holidays. Has his attitude changed towards you since you gave up work? I do think some men see being a SAHM as being a holiday in itself. If you pull the finances are tight card so you cannot afford for him to do it he may say you should not have stopped working.

Sorry OP but I don't know the answer to this but I would go on holiday with your stepmom and dad anyway as I am sure they will help you with your son more than your DH anyway. He sounds selfish. I would be addressing his drinking as surely your budget no longer stretches to massive drinking binges.

Furano · 31/05/2018 08:16

Agh how annoying for you! His update makes him sound really irritating.

He wasn’t available to book the pub crawl on this date because he had the holiday planned already - he’s being sneaky and underhand!

MargaretCavendish · 31/05/2018 08:24

Frustrating thing is I don’t really want him there now if he is going to behave like a sulky child! Agh there’s no win for me here really

Don't give in to this! If he's going to act like a sulky child then treat him like one, ie. don't give in to a tantrum because it'll teach him that that's how he gets what he wants.

KateGrey · 31/05/2018 08:37

Selfish git! I’d be backing out of the Scotland trip. You’re also pregnant and you might want a bit of help.

Cagliostro · 31/05/2018 08:49

Wow! Petulant git

MissVanjie · 31/05/2018 08:50

God beach holidays when they are small tinies are just the best. He’s an idiot for missing this. It is important to keep in touch with friends and hobbies yeah but family tine together on holiday is really special. The time you carve out for other things comes from bog standard weeks/weekends, not the rare time you get to be all together doing nice stuff that small dcs love.

Was he supportive of you quitting your job op? He just sounds passive aggressive and like he’s in some way annoyed at you. I’d be really cross too - toddlers and beaches are fab but hard work.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2018 10:09

His "friends will be disappointed"?? Oh god forbid he disappoint his drinking buddies! He clearly has no problem with disappointing his wife, his child and his PIL who have generously forked out for a holiday. This makes it very clear where his priorities lie. I agree with pp the holiday itself isn't the issue. If he's not willing to put his family first when it comes to this holiday, then he will fail to put you first time and time again.

I wouldn't force him to come on the holiday because he will most likely create an atmosphere by behaving like a sulky teenager and you deserve a pleasant, relaxing week away. I realise this is sort of playing into his hands as he doesn't want to be there but there's not point in letting him spoil the holiday for everyone else just to make a point. Instead, I would tell him that there's no point in him coming at all since it's a family holiday and he clearly doesn't see himself as being part of a family. I would then make it clear that I was intending to use the time away to have a serious think about the future.

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