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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH prioritising friends over family holiday

172 replies

Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 08:26

We don’t have a huge amount of money at the moment and my dad & step mum have kindly paid for us all to go on a UK family holiday for a week later on in June. We’ve got a 2 yr old so I think mostly they are looking forward to spending time with him as they don’t live close by.
Dates were booked and confirmed a while ago and the holiday is Fri-Fri.
A week after the holiday was booked, DH announced that he wanted to save some holiday days for later in the year (Ok, I get that there are other things we want to do at Christmas and he doesn’t have a huge amount of holiday). So we agreed DH would just come with us Fri - Wed.
A couple of weeks after that he said he forgot he’s got an important rugby match on the Friday eve so we agreed he would come on the holiday Sat - Wed.
Last night he said his friends are doing their annual 15 mile / 15 pub walk on the Saturday, and he’ll have a hangover afterwards so said he wants to come on the holiday Sun eve - Wed.
that’s when I had a mini meltdown! It’s only 3 friends doing the walk this year, and it’s only them (not a big organised thing) so my argument is that they can just move the date rather than shave yet another day off the holiday that my parents have paid for! But apparently not as it needs to be in June (who knows why!) and that’s the only date the others can do.
Maybe I’m being unreasonable as I’m tired!
So... thoughts? I feel like telling him to just sod the whole holiday and not come at all!

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 30/05/2018 11:32

Remove all the money as you have none to spare for rugby and pub crawl and point out to him how is he going to pay for this when he has £10 to his name for these pleasures. j/k, but I might have done that if OH tried something like this. He can't waste money just because, and he can't cancel when he has agreed just for the sake of pissing around.

Honeyroar · 30/05/2018 11:36

He's being selfish and rude. He should have thought about all this (including the wanting to save leave) before he let someone pay for a holiday for him. He may find the thought of a week with his in laws undesirable, but he should've had the balls to say so (to you, not to them!) before it was booked. I'd be very cross and disappointed with him, and he'd know it.

TorviBrightspear · 30/05/2018 11:37

Totally agree with timeisnotaline, he can be told he's taking the toddler alone to Scotland. Bet he gets snippy at that idea.

MsHomeSlice · 30/05/2018 11:39

If your parents are doting on YOUR son then surely you and the selfish twattish but you must like him i suppose dh will get to have a bit of time to yourselves

that's usually how it works ime....you instruct GPs on babysitting duties, slope off to the nearest pub for a swift drinkie and a snog, and comeback to find the baby awake eating cake and watching something unsuitable on tv with Grandad

Your dh is being an ungrateful oaf really! Esp since this is not anything out of the ordinary for your family.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2018 11:40

Your dh sounds really ungrateful and he's essentially behaving like a single man with no children or wife to consider. Does he usually behave so selfishly?

MsHomeSlice · 30/05/2018 11:42

also forgot..I bolded YOUR son since you said he won’t feel bad about leaving me along with my son at the weekend! , but did dh really say that??

I'd floor him for that!

Original poster
Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 11:44

Yep you’re right homeslice - chance for a lie in and relax as my dad & stepmum adore my son and find all activities with him delightful!
Haha yeah I do like him (most of the time!)

OP posts:
DPotter · 30/05/2018 11:45

I agree with others - that he is out of order and is prioritising himself over you and your DS.
I frankly doubt he will make it on Sunday evening - more likely to be Monday morning.
Don't go ballistic - go cold, go quiet. Ask him questions and don't expect the answers you want straightaway - let the question hang in the air. Much more effective, eg so
where is the money coming from for the rugby,
where is the money coming from for the pub crawl,
where is the same amount for me and DS for us to spend on our holiday,
when are you calling my parents to explain your going on the piss twice when you had agreed to come on holiday with us;
when are you booking leave to care for DS whilst I go on the piss with my friends;
when are you going to recognise you are a father and need to start acting like one

others are right - meltdowns are fine initially but if you want to bring someone up short and really get them to examine their own behaviour - go cold, go quiet, don't insist on answers straightaway. A meltdown will allow him to say you have been unreasonable and he isn't coming at all.

Loopytiles · 30/05/2018 11:45

So he agreed to go on the holiday. Why haven’t you told him that in your view he should attend the full week and is being very rude to your parents, who are paying?

Original poster
Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 11:47

homeslice ah no the my son bit was a typo/slip on my part... prob cos that’s how I’m feeling at the mo!!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 30/05/2018 11:47

Yes, he should explain himself to your parents. Would he behave like this if holidaying with friends? Seems unlikely.

SoapOnARoap · 30/05/2018 11:48

He’s being incredibly selfish & really taking the piss

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/05/2018 11:50

I would have cheerfully put up with a holiday with difficult in-laws when my DC were toddlers and we were too broke to go on holiday, for a little free time with OH and maybe the chance for us to have an evening out during the week. That would have been bliss and worth any in-law aggro. I think the DCs would have liked the extra attention too.

Has he deliberately whittled away at the vacation?You gave into the first one, so he tried another etc. and now he's hoping for the whole week off? I agree with poster who said he should be the one to tell yr parents, not you. Don't do his dirty work for him and take on all the attached guilt. If he insists on these plans, he needs to understand how difficult it is making things, so don't let him off the hook for that. Maybe when he's faced with the reality of that, he might understand what he's asking. Perhaps you should suggest he looks after DC in Scotland for the week whilst you go off on a jolly ( athough that's probably not what you want anyway)

As you've had no inlaw problems so he's being massively unfair and just treating it as a lads week away from his family, instead of a chance to spend time with you, with some time off from toddlers, it sounds like your parents, who've said the point of the holiday is to spend more time with the DCs would be OK with that.

magoria · 30/05/2018 11:51

How comes you don't have enough money spare for you to all have a family break but he has plenty of money for rugby and getting so pissed he has a hangover and is useless the next day?

Does he generally spend money that could be used for your family as a whole just on himself?

gillybeanz · 30/05/2018 11:52

Gosh, he's supposed to be a family man now.
What is it with men and friends/hobbies.
Mine did nothing like this, once we had a family.
His behaviour and selfishness must be something you are used to though. It can't have come as a surprise to you, it's who he is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 12:06

Tell him he doesn’t need to come at all seeing as he doesn’t seem to want to. From now on you’re happy to wave him and dd off on the annual trips to Scotland with his family. You’ll stay behind for some serious me time without him getting in the way. And while you’re at it tear his bloody head off for telling you he’s happy the massive piss up/ fucking pub crawl has coincided with the trip.

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 12:08

How convenient that you’re the default childcare while he does whatever the fuck he likes.

I assume you have plans the Scotland week yes?

maras2 · 30/05/2018 12:12

What's the odds on this scenario
Sunday lunch time he txts 'Sorry babe still tired and probably over the limit still.Best play it safe and come tomorrow'
Monday 'Been thinking, babe, doesn't seem worth it to come for just 2 nights.I may as well do stuff around the house/garden you say what and I'll do it for you'
He is taking the piss. Angry

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 12:15

Spot on Maras2, that’s exactly what will happen.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/05/2018 12:30

and that’s the only date the others can do

So they have priorities and doing a pub crawl comes 2nd to their home/work etc

I have seen men like this (used to work in a bar)
They are like naughty school boys acting like they are trying to not get caught having an extra pint in the pub when they have told their wives they are working late and giggling about how much they can get away with.

Quite pathetic really.

Does your dh have a problem with alcohol as even the Rugby match seems to be just another excuse for drinking.

Have you added up how much he spends on alcohol and alcohol related pursuits
You might find you could afford 2 weeks in the Caribbean next year if he stopped drinking.

As I have said I have seen your dh and unless you move or he has a complete change of heart it does not end well.

Not for the dhs at least. The wives usually end up in a far better position.

Cornishclio · 30/05/2018 12:40

Your DH sounds selfish and I would be embarrassed to tell your parents that he has prioritised rugby and a very small pub walk over a week away with his family. I would also be a bit miffed about the amount of money he will be spending on this. How do you arrange finances and do you both work? Some men don't seem to embrace family life at all once they have kids and insist on behaving like single bachelors. There needs to be a balance but he committed to it so should honour that. He is massively disrespecting you and your parents and will be missing out on time with his son although maybe they won't care if he is selfish anyway? Do they normally get on and he is a good dad normally?

Alibaba87 · 30/05/2018 12:51

I guess it depends on your relationship with his parents and how much you do with them. I can see you go on holiday with them every year, so don’t really think he should be able to get out of it. I’d be pretty pissed off as we do EVERYTHING with the in laws as they live down the road, including holidays every year. So if my OH attempted to get out of seeing my parents I’d feel every upset, like he wasn’t valuing them, or me for that matter. On the other hand would he be all moody if you told him that he really should go? I’d certainly be reconsidering all the different things I do with his in laws after that.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 30/05/2018 12:53

Obvs. on the next Scottish ( given more gravitas with the family tradition classification ) camping trip you make arrangements as if you are going pack kid and himself into the car ... then remember all the activities you already committed to!

Original poster
Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 13:01

He is good normally- and doesn’t go on many boozy things... maybe a quick one or two down the pub on a Friday or Saturday night and then an outing like rugby / gig / party etc once or twice a month depending on what’s going on. So doesn’t feel like a lot compared to some of my friends OHs who seem to be out on the lash all weekend every weekend! He has calmed down a lot since having our son as well and does a lot of things around the house for me normally.
His excuse is that this pub walk is an annual thing (to be fair they have done it once a year in the same place for as long as I’ve known him).
We have been using an app the last few months to track our finances and the booze does add up. I’m not a big drinker myself but it seems to be very much the way things are done with him & his mates. One of them was diagnosed with an alcohol problem a year or so ago unfortunately.

He’s never prioritised holidays as something to spend on, he sees paying to stay away from home as a waste of money. I love getting away, even if just for a weekend to see some friends, just feels like more of a break than a ‘stay at home’ holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeperbird · 30/05/2018 13:08

Oh missed answering one of the questions, sorry - I quit my job at the beginning of this year due to stress (I was a relatively high earner, quite a bit more than DH gets) and now we’re just on his salary which is why purse strings are a bit tighter at the moment. I’m pregnant as well so debating whether to temp or something in the interim or wait until after baby comes and then find something full time & less stressful!

OP posts: