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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how I was supposed to use this toilet?

387 replies

sleepingdragons · 29/05/2018 23:42

DD and I got drenched in the rain today, proper torrential rain! DD's skirt was soaked through.

We were on our way to meet family for lunch, so we headed there and I took DD to the toilet.

DD was freezing. My plan had been to strip her bottom half to her pants in the ladies and hold her skirt under the hand dryer for as long as I could.

But when I got to the toilet I found it was unisex. There were a bunch of cubicles coming off a busy communal sink area, with a couple of middle aged men in there when I got there, and more men coming and going while we were there.

What would you do in this situation? What do you think I should have done?

Also - AIBU to think that restaurants and cafes are going to use the new trend for unisex facilities as a cost cutting measure, so we're going to see loads more of this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Thistledew · 30/05/2018 20:37

I sympathise OP. Whenever unisex toilets with communal hand washing facilities are posited as a good thing I think back to when I was 16 years old and on a school trip. My periods were fairly unpredictable still and were often very heavy. The train we had been on was delayed and packed and the only toilet onboard I could physically get to was broken. As a result I had flooded my pad and leaked through my trousers in an obvious way by the time we got to the station.

All the teachers accompanying us were male and I was too mortified to ask them for help as I was a very shy and unconfident teenager. I did not have enough money to buy new trousers and even if I had, it was by then early evening (we were going to the theatre) so it would have been difficult to find a shop. Fortunately, the theatre was a short walk from the station and we were permitted to make our own way there so I was able to scuttle off to the toilet at the station, take the trousers off, wash them in the hand basin whilst standing in my stained underwear, dry them and put them back on.

It was mortifying and embarrassing enough to do that in front of other women using the toilet but there was no way in a million years I could have done it with men walking in.

If I hadn't had access to a female only space I think I would have just sat on a newspaper at the station and waited for my classmates to return. As it was, I was able to salvage the evening and see the play.

I can't wait to hear how I definitely could have managed it better so as not to have needed that female space. Biscuit

AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 20:51

Thistledew I think the situation that someone needs to get undressed and wash their clothes in the bathroom is so rare that it's unreasonable to expect a restaurant to take it into account when planning it's facilities.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 21:04

I think the situation that someone needs to get undressed and wash their clothes in the bathroom is so rare that it's unreasonable to expect a restaurant to take it into account when planning it's facilities.

So why do we have single sex toilets in the first place? Is it only to do with stranger danger or is there more to it?

It's certainly not unreasonable to expect restaurants to take it into consideration as they pretty much all have single sex at the moment. Why is that?

OP posts:
Thistledew · 30/05/2018 21:14

There was also the time as an adult when someone barged into me whilst I was on the way to an interview, knocking my coffee over my shirt. Fortunately I had a jacket so wasn't completely naked whilst sorting it out, but I was still happier showing off most of my bra to other women rather than men.

I don't think anyone suggests that every toilet must be single sex, although it would be preferable for hand basins and dryers to be private as well if they are not, but it will affect everyone's right to privacy and modesty if unisex toilets with shared facilities become the norm.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 21:23

Thistledew that sounds like a horrible experience for a teenager, no wonder you've not forgotten it Sad

Glad you got to see the play, it would have been so disheartening to miss it wouldn't it? Sounds like you were a resourceful teenager :)

OP posts:
Clubcuts · 30/05/2018 21:27

OP - AIBU

ALL OTHER POSTERS - YES YOU ARE

OP - NO I AM NOT

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/05/2018 21:31

One of the reasons there were always men and women s separate loos was because mens usually had a urinal. Most women, myself included don't particularly want to see mens penises being waved around and don't want their DC to see them. So until the decline of the urinal they weren't /aren't pleasant or suitable places for women and children. With all cubicle mixed loos this isn't an issue.

Pressuredrip · 30/05/2018 21:33

I'm not sure why you are getting so mich outrage. I've dried kids clothes under hand dryers tonnes of times. The last time was at Gulliver's world when dd sat on a wet ride when we first got there, and her dad had accidentally packed her much smaller baby brothers clothes as spare thinking it was hers. I was hardly going to drive 2 hours home after paying a fortune in. I've done similar many other times for different reasons.

In this situation I would either find the baby changing room/disabled room or I'd sit dd at the table with a relative with someone's jacket over her or just pushed in to the table. Or I'd just do the same as you and have her stand by the dryer. If men are uncomfortable they can deal with it.

greengardenchairs · 30/05/2018 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToPlanZ · 30/05/2018 21:51

Not sure why you're getting so much vitriol OP. I wouldn't want a DD stood in pants with lots of unknown men passing. Hardly makes me hysterical.

I've been in unisex toilets and I simply don't like them. Men pee everywhere and leave seats up. I've once been in one not very well lit one where it was just myself and a man I did not know. I wasn't comfortable.

At the end of the day the media including social media can sell it as a 'gender inclusivity' issue. It isn't. It's an economic one. In retail or entertainment spaces toilets take up square footage that makes no money. Businesses won't provide male, female and gender neutral spaces because it costs too much.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 21:58

At the end of the day the media including social media can sell it as a 'gender inclusivity' issue. It isn't. It's an economic one.

Yes, this! This is what occurred to me when I was in the unisex loo for ages. These are going to catch on - as they must save lots of money.

Architect "do you want unisex, unisex & mens, or unisex, mens & ladies?"
Restaurant owner "what's the cost"
Architect: "unisex is £2k cheaper and you can add two more tables in the restaurant"
Restaurant owner: "done"

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 31/05/2018 00:04

I wouldn't want a DD stood in pants with lots of unknown men passing

I really don't understand this. What happens if your daughter is out with her father and this situation happens? Surely he takes her into the gents, and she ends up stood in pants with other men walking around?

I really don't see the issue. Pretty sure your daughter will have had similar coverings while on the beach or at the pool in full view of men too.

siwel123 · 31/05/2018 00:15

Why unknown men is wrong but not unknown women?

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 31/05/2018 06:55

I find it disturbing that your mind would go straight to ‘my daughter is unsafe if she’s in her pants for a few minutes with me by her side in a place where both men and women will be walking by’ tbh. What sort of men do you mix with? Why do you see your five year old in a sexual way?

So much hysteria.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 31/05/2018 07:01

And no, I don’t have a problem with putting makeup on in front of others, who would? I’ve never even considered that touching up your makeup or applying makeup could be considered to be something only women could witness :/ haven’t you ever seen someone whip out a lipstick or gloss on the train/in a cafe for a quick touch up?

There were unisex toilets at a gig I went to a few months ago, only made unisex at the last minute as the gents toilets were out of order. There’s nothing that you wouldn’t want a man to see that you wouldn’t also want a woman to see, and anything of that nature you’ll be doing in a locked cubicle anyway. Once you leave the cubicle it makes no difference whether you’re stood preening or hand washing next to a man or a woman.

Maybe surgeons have separate rooms to scrub up in, and takeaways have separate rooms for men and women to wash their hands between meals.

OP, I don’t think it’s that AIBU are an especially robust bunch. I suspect it’s more than you’re exceptionally fragile/dramatic. Social norms change.

Aridane · 31/05/2018 07:34

I wouldn't want a DD stood in pants with lots of unknown men passing. Hardly makes me hysterical.

Er,I think it sort of does!

What makes you think men are perving paedophiles and / or that your daughter would be unsafe by your side?

Bibesia · 31/05/2018 07:45

The concept that putting on make-up is an intimate act is a new level of batshittery. Women tend to do that in bedrooms or bathrooms because that's where the mirrors are, and because it's convenient. But plenty of women do it in public, whether it's on public transport, in offices or anywhere else, and I've never seen anyone shocked because it's intimate. Yes, it's can be quite annoying on a train because of the amount of faffing around involved, but not in any way shocking.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 31/05/2018 07:52

I wouldn't want a DD stood in pants with lots of unknown men passing. Hardly makes me hysterical.

Good grief, do you never take her swimming or to the beach? (And unless this is the case, I'm afraid you do sound somewhat hysterical). Because you do realise that in a swimsuit, she is actually wearing less than she would be in pants and a top? Confused So what are all these passing unknown men thinking when they see her in her pants in a unisex toilet that they are not thinking when they see her in her swimsuit in a unisex pool or at a unisex beach? Hmm

Sirzy · 31/05/2018 07:52

I wouldn't want a DD stood in pants with lots of unknown men passing. Hardly makes me hysterical.*

Presumably she never goes swimming then?

MarklahMarklah · 31/05/2018 09:08

I'm obviously not. 'most women' as all I use any public toilet facilities for is going to the toilet.
I'm going to argue that putting on make up is not 'intimate' as I've seen many women do that on public transport.

CadyHeron · 31/05/2018 09:09

The notion that putting on make up is an intimate act Confused since when?!
Tell that to those who do it in train carriages or on the bus (which both are mixed sex) - they put their lippy on/slap on the eyeliner etc without a care. In front of the gaze of men.
Slightly eye rolling or irritating, yes. Intimate, no.

CadyHeron · 31/05/2018 09:09

Cross post with marklah re make up

zzzzz · 31/05/2018 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 31/05/2018 10:09

Yes, it's can be quite annoying on a train because of the amount of faffing around involved, but not in any way shocking.

I actually have a lot of respect when I see women doing that rather than think it’s annoying, it’s very impressive. I’ve seen a lady able to apply a really neat bold liquid cat eye and a matte lip in a fairly unforgiving to slip-ups shade on a bumpy train, I was in awe!

Zzzzz, is that because of hygiene concerns then of some sense of the need for privacy to apply makeup but not to eat?

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 31/05/2018 10:13

Yep zzzzzzzz

I am assuming someone else said 'intimate' and i missed it

I dont take makeup out with me to touchup anything...but it would feel weird to me to do the whole teeth checky, makeup checky, fiddle with hair thing in front of a man

I dont generally do it in front of women either Grin

Again..dont feel scared, upset, frightened or anything

But it would feel weird as I have only done it once in 48 years

16 dd would probably take to it like a duck to water Grin