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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:
BrilliantDarling · 29/05/2018 23:20

😂😂😂 Bit dramatic like!

"I guess don’t be surprised if you finish up on the ‘ignored’ end of family support down the track, maybe even from your own kids?"

TheOriginalEmu · 29/05/2018 23:21

I don't do funerals. not for anyone. so i'd go to the sports day.

Eggzandbacon · 29/05/2018 23:33

I’ve missed quite a few of DHs family funerals.
There is a big distance involved and takes 3 days minimum to attend one usually.
He’s lost 8 uncles/aunts since we’ve been together, as well as parents, cousins, GPs and others (giant family). It’s just not always practical to attend and there is only so much tolerance my work has for these things.

I’ve had quite a lot of criticism from his family for not attending (they are all local, often retired). I’m thick skinned about it though and I have to pick and choose on importance in the end.
The world won’t end if you miss a funeral, just the same as if you miss a wedding.

zzzzz · 29/05/2018 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 29/05/2018 23:47

I too would be raising an eyebrow.
Definitely not the decision I would have made.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/05/2018 23:48

MIL and DHs opinions matter most here.

MIL is fine as long as her son (DH) is there and DH feels he doesn't need support and would feel sad his son had nobody at Sports Day.

If MIL or DH felt they needed the OP there then yes I'd say I'd give the funeral priority.

I would only ever take a young child to a funeral if very close family. They can mourn in their own way and it's very sad seeing adults around them upset. Let them have fun - you are only young for a short time.

Aridane · 29/05/2018 23:49

I think it is a blessing for the uncle and the wider family that a clearly disinterested, emotionally distant and a tad rude OP is not going to the funeral. She would only pull the occasion down!!

Skarossinkplunger · 29/05/2018 23:53

I think you sound spectacularly selfish.

Mydogmylife · 29/05/2018 23:56

It's not so much the decision that you and DH have taken together that I find difficult to take - fair enough! It's your rather cavalier attitude to others I find a bit cold

BrilliantDarling · 30/05/2018 02:00

Some people really do need to learn the meaning of the word selfish.Confused
What Op is doing is not in the slightest bit selfish!

TimeToDash · 30/05/2018 02:08

I would have been there to support my partner, tbh.

Verdad · 30/05/2018 02:15

You sound callous.

helacells · 30/05/2018 02:19

Very disrespectful OP show some class.

SevenStones · 30/05/2018 02:46

I was very close to my grandfather so I'd be distinctly unimpressed. My family isn't your family, of course, though, but whatever their feelings the damage is done now so I don't think it matters either way what you do.

1forAll74 · 30/05/2018 03:00

Your's and your husbands plan is the best. You will often come across odd behaviour or some comments from people who are arranging a funeral, ie, regarding who will,or won't be attending. It's a personal choice. It does not show lack of respect at all, respect and thoughts of the deceased person are all in your own heart and mind.

0hwhattodo · 30/05/2018 04:07

I wouldn't do that. It's not only that its a funeral of a family member -admittedly not your but your husband's and your children's. Going to funerals also teaches kids an important lesson about life and loss. Yes it sucks to miss an exciting day to attend a boring funeral but kids needs to learn that some times we have to sacrifice our own pleasure to support others. 5 years is old enough to understand it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/05/2018 04:40

Funeral.

No choice.

derxa · 30/05/2018 04:58

I'd put money on DH also missing his grandfather's funeral for his sons sports day. Goodness! Shock

I think your plan is reasonable OP but it's the way you've expressed yourself which is rubbing people up the wrong way. We handle death in a very odd way in this country.

jkl0311 · 30/05/2018 05:33

@RatOnnaStick having just lost my grandad last month I would say yabu. If I'm totally frank I would think your a total plonker if my SiL went to my nephews first sports day! Who's pretty inconsiderate and probably not been brought up in the correct fashion to show respect to family. You married DH you take on family including distant relatives (gp is what I call a close relative tbh)
Another little thing.... "no one else has a problem with it" they do but not to your face, I guarantee your in laws will have muttered something to each other in private.
Plus sports days have been made a status to see who can make the time nowadays. My parents never attended a single sports day for me or Brother didn't affect our performance one bit.
Show some respect and get to that funeral, when DS is older he will totally understand why you missed it that year.

llangennith · 30/05/2018 06:11

YANBU. You and your DH have worked out a good plan. Sports day is once a year and it’s important to your DC.

insancerre · 30/05/2018 06:18

Yanbu
You have worked out a plan that works for you
Dh has been to a couple of funerals on his side on his own because I couldn't get the time off work, so it's not unusual for people not to go to funerals
I don't agree with taking children to funerals, there simply is no need and to be honest, I avoid them unless I really have to go, been to far too many
Let them enjoy sports day

Amanduh · 30/05/2018 06:20

Well I could see why some people might think it was a bit off and others wouldn’t. Having a parent at first sports day is a big deal for 5 year olds though! I can see both pov

StepBackNow · 30/05/2018 06:30

I would want to be at DH's side. I would judge you, OP, for not being there to support the family. I'd get friends to look after the DC so they didn't miss out.

You do sound like a bit of a cold fish, so the family probably won't be surprised.

bella2bella · 30/05/2018 06:33

I'd do the same as you OP and would expect my husband to as well if the tables were reversed. I love my grandparents (and his) but would not need his support at their funerals and would prefer my children had a parent there to support something important to them.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/05/2018 06:37

jkl and other posters who think OP is being disrespectful, how distant does a relative have to be before it would be ok for OP to miss the funeral.

DH's distant relatives are distant in both meanings of the word. Going to any of their funerals would involve 2 days of being away from home, so logistical nightmare for childcare, work and other commitments. Due to these commitments I have very rarely met many of these relatives Also things like family weddings have tended to be close family affairs only. So would I be disrespectful if I didn't go to their funerals, as they are family?

I would much rather someone came to my funeral because they knew me rather than down to a sense of duty