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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:
BlitheringIdiots · 29/05/2018 22:12

SoyDora. I so agree

Barbaro · 29/05/2018 22:15

What a joy your husband is married to. I bet as someone else pointed out, you won't mind benefiting from inheritances even though they aren't your family. You married the man, they are your family.

Not sure why you bothered asking, you don't care what others think. I think youre heartless really, I wouldn't leave my partner to go alone to a funeral for a family member. Children should go as well, the more you shield them from death, the worse they handle it later in life. It's not a bad thing, it's life and its better to let them grieve over someone they knew.

But enjoy your sports day. Not like the kids will never have another one of those.

winterisstillcoming · 29/05/2018 22:15

I would wait and see as sports day is often rained off and rescheduled so you might be going anyway.

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 22:16

I wouldn't leave my partner to go alone to a funeral for a family member

HE’S HAPPY FOR THE OP NOT TO GO!
Does no one read what the OP actually writes?

BrilliantDarling · 29/05/2018 22:17

I think it's very unhealthy "to want your DH support even if it was a strangers funeral"

Obviously everyone needs support at one point or another but at a strangers funeral. Yes. I think that is quite a strange concept.

SodTheGreenfly · 29/05/2018 22:18

But he's your ds's family. Your DS needs also to be taught about family values. DH and I were very fond of and close to our grandparents. When mine died MIL stood in for the DC (500 mile round trip). When DH's died my mum stood in (200 mile round trip)

It's what families do.

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 22:20

How do you know the OP has any family who can stand in?
When my grandfather died my IL’s couldn’t ‘stand in’ with our DC as they live 1000 miles away.

Ipdipme · 29/05/2018 22:30

If the OP’s DH is happy for her not to attend then surely it’s his call.

I’m quite surprised at how many people would suggest a 5 year old needs to go to a funeral of a relative they don’t know.

Like some have said. When I shuffle off I don’t want any great grandchildren suffering through my funeral. Go out and live would be my choice for a child and anyone else who didn’t want to be there.

Any relative who wants a 5 year old to attend is not doing it for the benefit of the 5 year old and tbh I’d find it an odd and very selfish demand.

Clubcuts · 29/05/2018 22:32

My grandmother died when I was 14, on the day that we arrived on a family holiday to Spain (10 days). The rest of the family told us that under no circumstances should we cut our holiday short, and the funeral was arranged for when we got home. My DF was very close to his mum and I was very close to my grandmother.
Life is for living.

So they had the funeral when you got back!? So non fucking issue!! Totally different and your post therefore is irrelevant'

ajandjjmum · 29/05/2018 22:34

Your decision seems sensible.

RomaineCalm · 29/05/2018 22:39

I'm clearly in the 'heartless and unfeeling' camp then. Hmm

I didn't attend the funerals of either DH's uncle or grandmother. It was too far to take DC and I hadn't met either of them more than a couple of times in the last 25 years.

Similarly, DH didn't come to my grandmother's funeral. If I'd insisted that I needed him there it might have been different but I knew that other family members would be there.

We talked about it and made the right decision for our family. Surely that's the case here? For what it's worth I would probably be going to sport's day too in this scenario.

OverTheMountain42 · 29/05/2018 22:42

YANBU op, in fact if it was my DH and i, I'd put money on DH also missing his grandfather's funeral for his sons sports day.

AtSea1979 · 29/05/2018 22:42

I would not be taking DC to a funeral, how awful for them, miserable grow up shit that they don’t need to sit there bored through.
However you do place an awful lot of value on sports day that I wouldn’t. Seeing a kid jump around in a sack and threw hoops isn’t my idea of a nice time and my DC would be too busy enjoying it to mind if I had something else to do “Tommy’s Mum has told me she’s going to cheer you on too” is enough to encourage DC to try.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2018 22:42

Clubcuts that is quite rude.

EmmaSwann · 29/05/2018 22:42

I would do the same as you OP. Supporting my child is more important than a funeral for someone I hardly knew.

3luckystars · 29/05/2018 22:47

He is not your family but he is your children’s family.

Hillarious · 29/05/2018 22:49

I feel there would be more warmth in a post from Saga Noren than this one from the OP.

WilburIsSomePig · 29/05/2018 22:55

Supporting my child is more important than a funeral for someone I hardly knew.

Christ on a bike. It's a school sports day, he's not running in the bloody Olympics. I'm not sure how much 'support' he needs. FFS ... GrinGrinGrin

Moussemoose · 29/05/2018 23:08

I didn't say I needed support I said I would want it. Big difference.

I am surprised some posters don't seem to acknowledge the more valuable, wider life lessons and focus on immediate enjoyment.

This one event could gently ( if handled correctly) emphasise the importance of family, love and support, life and death, doing the right thing and thinking of others.

One event will not change the course of someone's life but cumulatively over the course of childhood avoiding 'boring' or difficult events because you want fun sends out very damaging lessons. Funerals don't happen all the time and you have to have fun events but when funerals come along they are important.

Circumstances alter cases no one knows the details but I think from a young age the value of love, family and respect need to be prioritised.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2018 23:08

Some people don't seem to be reading the bit that states that the closest bereaved relatives to the OP want her to attend sports day. It might be the fact that DS will be happy with OP there watching him, that gives them some comfort on a sad day.

BrilliantDarling · 29/05/2018 23:10

It's quite sad the amount of people who would, with out any consideration, just fuck their child's 1st sports day off because they insist on attending a funeral even though they were not needed to comfort or support anyone, even their husband.

All to save face just incase people started gossiping 😱

Yeah there is plenty of sports days but there is also plenty of FUNERALS! I know what I'd choose to do in the OP'S SITUATION.

reddressblueshoes · 29/05/2018 23:13

If my MIL lost her mother, I can't imagine not going to pay my respects. But then, I would also want my child at their great-granny's funeral, even if they weren't especially close.

So no, I don't think the uncle is unreasonable to think your response is odd and disrespectful.

Skittlesandbeer · 29/05/2018 23:13

I can’t figure out two things: how is it not ‘your family’? You married into it, this man is related by blood to your kids. You see him several times a year, presumably speak to him even more times.

Second thing. How can your school-aged kids only be vaguely aware that their great-grandpa has died?

I don’t think you need to be a particularly close family to choose to support your grieving relatives, celebrate their lives and teach your children that death is a thing.

I guess don’t be surprised if you finish up on the ‘ignored’ end of family support down the track, maybe even from your own kids?

Caramelapplecake · 29/05/2018 23:15

I think that the way other posters are almost attacking the OP is very unreasonable. I think you are making the right decision.

Xmasbaby11 · 29/05/2018 23:17

Yanbu if that's what you and dh have agreed. I personally wouldn't flinch at missing a sports day for a funeral if my oh needed support - but on this case it seems he doesn't, so I would do as you are.