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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:
HRTpatch · 30/05/2018 06:47

I think you're getting a hard time OP.
You and dh have agreed what to do.

cunningartificer · 30/05/2018 06:58

Tbh, I think you’d be fine if you said DS was too small to go. It’s the focus on sports day that has brought out the negativity.

Not unreasonable not to take a five year old to a funeral. Unreasonable to say it’s because they have better things to do.

DuchyDuke · 30/05/2018 07:11

I’m Hindu. All of the funerals I’ve been to in the UK and India, children are only taken out of school for the funeral of immediate family and even then not always. Gran lived with us and died when I was taking exams but I was still expected to study. Friend’s dad passed away when he was 13 and he had to cremate the body in India; his grandad took him out of school for 3 hours to do this and then he was back (thankfully his teachers knew and so he was allowed leeway that week) . Kids typically join in after school, which I assume isn’t possible in this case because of distance.

Aridane · 30/05/2018 07:17

I didn’t think this thread was about taking a child to a funeral- just whether it was OK to skip it for a sports day

cricketballs3 · 30/05/2018 07:25

This is one if the things that has always baffled me about MM - why is it DH's family and not yours? When we married my family became family to my DH and vice versa. Yes there are Aunts/uncles that DH may have never met or only met once in twice in the 30 years we have been together but that doesn't mean they are not family to him as well - just like my nieces and nephew are by default also his nieces/nephew

BertrandRussell · 30/05/2018 07:34

Absolutely fine for a 5 year old not to go to a funeral. Absolutely fine for the OP not to go if child care is a problem.

Absolutely not OK to prioritize a Reception sports day.

It’s also important to remember that when presented with a fait accompli and asked if it’s OK , “Yes of course that’s fine” is the only possible answer.

crispysausagerolls · 30/05/2018 07:39

I think what you’re doing is actually reasonable, because I think your child is too young to go to a funeral and this is what DH’s GF would have wanted.

But I think your attitude stinks and is horrible. The whole “my family is my family and his family is his” - what a warm and loving relationship 😐

SoyDora · 30/05/2018 07:43

Clubcuts it was in response to a poster who said they wouldnt expect people to change holiday plans if she died as she would be there for them to sort out when she got back.
Sometimes side discussions start as a result of the main one on threads you know...
Did you mean to be so rude?

ThePencil · 30/05/2018 07:43

@ineedaholidaynow "I also have to say, that when it's my time to shuffle off this mortal coil, if I knew there was a 5 year old grandchild/great grandchild who had the choice of taking part in sports day or attending my funeral, I would want them to do sports day and possibly with a parent cheering them on. They can remember me in different ways"

This, in spades. I was close to all my GPs, unfortunately all now dead. But I can't imagine any of them wanting their great-grandson to have no one at sports day (or any event that's important when you're 5) so that DH could attend their funeral.

Every family has a different attitude to funerals. In some, it's seen as critically important that everyone should attend. In others, it's not. My family would be in the latter camp... in fact, funerals in our family have often turned into quite cheerful events, with lots of family and friends around.

OP, if you, DH, and whichever of his parents the grandfather "belonged" to are all happy with the plan, then I wouldn't give it a second thought.

You can talk to your DS about his GGF, and figure out an appropriate way for him to show his respects. At 5, it's perfectly reasonable for him to not understand and quite possibly to not be too bothered. It doesn't mean he lacks respect or will grow up to stab elderly people in the street.

nannybeach · 30/05/2018 07:45

Did ask AMBU, so we get to say what we feel, always be folk who are rude or unreasonable in he extreme on here. Went to all my DKs sports etc did they remember, (or often even see me there!) no. Unless you are actively not speaking to them, you are a member of a family you marry into. I have friends from abroad (a long ay abroad) when familoy members die, kids out of school and they all go. When my relatives died, kids quite young I explained and asked if they wanted to go, if no, that. My oldest DD was 21 when my DM died, she didnt come to the funeral, 30 years on, she feels very guilty (I didnt make her feel guilty, have never mentioned it)

TheClaws · 30/05/2018 07:47

I wouldn’t bother going, OP, as funerals are about respecting the person that has passed away - and you clearly don’t. Children shouldn’t be at funerals generally either until they’re a bit older than yours. So that puts you in the clear! Except for the parts where you say his family is not your family and vice versa: that I don’t understand at all. Even if you don’t like them or are particularly close to them, they are your family. I have a SIL who I suspect has this attitude - she has only ever treated me as an acquaintance. This hurts me more than she will ever know Sad

busybuildingdens · 30/05/2018 07:52

Wow! The vitriol for the OP is awful! Obviously everyone feels very strongly one way or the other here, but different families do things in different ways, and as long as you and your DH are on the same page, that is what matters. You will never please everyone.
I have been married for years, and I can honestly say that we still see each other’s family as belonging to them. My family would be gutted to hear of our DC missing sports day, or having no one to watch them, due to a family funeral. These things really matter to children. Yes, they have to learn sometimes to put others first, but sometimes they are allowed to come first too!

Roussette · 30/05/2018 07:53

I don't do funerals. not for anyone. so i'd go to the sports day

I can only presume this is either said as a joke or you haven't lost anyone close to you.

Yura · 30/05/2018 08:01

i know this is mumsnet where all kuds can read perfectly by 3 the latest and can sit still for hours age 2, but realistically: how many 5 year olds sit still through the 2+ hours of a funeral service without making a noise and without fiddling? if your child does that, take them.if there is a risk they won't, it would be highly disrespectful tobtake them. its a funeral, not a party

BloodyArseholes · 30/05/2018 08:04

I’ve never been to a funeral that has lasted 2+ hours. Ones done in a funeral home seem to be 30-60 minutes and C of E ones fairly similar. A couple of readings, a couple of pieces of music and maybe a 5-10 minute summary of the persons life.

TheClaws · 30/05/2018 08:06

My family would be gutted to hear of our DC missing sports day, or having no one to watch them, due to a family funeral

I’m sorry, but really? Gutted? You think a kid’s long jump is more important than honouring a family member that has died - and what’s more, you believe your family would say, “Oh dear, how awful, we wouldn’t want Jayden to miss his little race just because Grandad died!”

SoyDora · 30/05/2018 08:14

I’ve been to a 2 hour Catholic funeral. It was actually the funeral of an 18 month old girl so pretty harrowing.

MrsDilber · 30/05/2018 08:19

The funeral for me (never thought that's a sentence I would write).

Roussette · 30/05/2018 08:20

I've been to too many funerals in my time and not one has ever approached near 2 hours.

MadMaryBoddington · 30/05/2018 08:21

The funeral where I got lost outside in the woods in snow was also two hours long.

Yura · 30/05/2018 08:21

Most if the ones i went are hym, priest talking, prayers, hym, relatives talking (in case if a great-grand father i would imagine at least 5-6 people, 10 minutes each), waiting for the coffin to disappear, formal condolence queue- easily 2 hours.

Moussemoose · 30/05/2018 08:22

Cremation slots are usually 30 mins max.

It depends.

Roussette · 30/05/2018 08:23

Never ever for me... not even an hour. And I've been to humanist funerals, CofE, crematorium etc. The slot is only an hour at a crematorium as the next one is waiting and the hour allows for people hanging around after etc.

halcyondays · 30/05/2018 08:23

Is sports day really that big a deal? It ends in disappointment for about 90% of children anyway. Personally a family funeral would trump sports day any day and the service is not normally more than an hour long, if that, so generally school age kids will be fine to sit quietly. It's normal here for school age kids to attend family funerals.

Strange to talk about he's not my family, without him, OP's DH and children wouldn't even be here.

madeyemoodysmum · 30/05/2018 08:24

I imagine you WILL be judged by DH family on this one. You should be there. Sorry.