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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:
SoyDora · 30/05/2018 08:25

I don’t suppose those who have said they’ve been to a 2 hour funeral are lying, whatever experiences someone else has had. I’m certainly not.
Cremations are usually pretty short. Church services vary. The 2 longest ones I’ve been to were Catholic.

HoppingPavlova · 30/05/2018 08:30

I think it’s really odd.

My grandparent had been in a nursing home with dementia from when my kids were born until she died. The kids never met her.

Yet, when she died we all went to the funeral. Myself, DH and the kids. My mum was upset and needed support and would have been utterly mortified if our family was not there, she would have considered it a complete insult to both grandparent and herself.

DH sat up the back with the kids and took them out for some air and a leg stretch once or twice when they got fiddly which is fine, the fact is they were there though.

If you don’t want your family to attend that’s totally fine. Just expect a grudge from certain family members for years to come.

Feb2018mumma · 30/05/2018 08:36

If my husband went to my son's first sports day rather than my grandparents funeral, even if I said it was okay (don't trust someone after a loss as they aren't thinking straight), I would have to have some time apart from him. He really needs your support?

BertrandRussell · 30/05/2018 08:37

A full requiem with communion plus interment can go on a bit..........

Aragog · 30/05/2018 08:38

I went to dh's grandad's funeral and so did dd, who missed school for it. She was a teen.

But I did see him as part of my family. I saw him a few times a year and dd lived her great grandad dearly. I called him grandad. But I've been with dh since being an older teen, for several years now, so I did see him as being part of my family. Maybe as we were quite young when we met it's different in some ways as we do see each other's families as being extensions of our own family, rather than two distinct and separate entities.

However, none of us attended dd's great grandma's funeral / was dh's grandad's second wife. We did see her very much as family but we had a holiday planned with friends. We were given strict instructions from PILs and grandad that they would not want us to cancel the holiday, and that she'd have been upset had we done so. It was a bit different as it's had been a whole coming and we had already all said our goodbyes. We did take time out on the funeral day for some quiet time and thoughts. Not going didn't mean we cared less.

SoyDora · 30/05/2018 08:40

Feb2018mumma I told DH I didn’t need him to come to my grandfathers funeral for support and I meant it. I’d have been more Hmm if he’d decided for himself that I wasn’t thinking straight and that he should do what we’d agreed for him not to do...

HuckfromScandal · 30/05/2018 08:42

I think it’s disrespectful tbh
And also plays into the narrative that your child is way more important than anything or anyone else.

I would go to the funeral.
To pay respects
To support my husband
And because I consider it the right thing to do.

I wouldn’t have even considered anything else.

WilburIsSomePig · 30/05/2018 08:43

I would expect my DH to decide for himself what he wanted to do Soy. I may let him know that I was OK for him not to be there, but if he wanted to be then, fine.

Aragog · 30/05/2018 08:46

Ineedahokidaynow - depends on your school. Mine does and it also gave me the day off to go to dh's grandad's funeral too. DD's gave her time off too. All were authorised absences.

BlueEyedBengal · 30/05/2018 08:46

Why ask if I out are already set in your choice??????

DragonNoodleCake · 30/05/2018 08:47

You and DH arranged it. Therefore that's all that matters. That he feels he is ok to go to his grandparents funeral alone. I usually don't take the kids to funerals unless it's a close family member, so your split solution sounds good to me.

BlueEyedBengal · 30/05/2018 08:48

He was husbands and you're child's family so you are supposed to support them aren't youHmm

WilburIsSomePig · 30/05/2018 08:49

Huck My children are way more important than anything or anyone else - to me (as I'm sure yours are). BUT I think that part of teaching them how to be a thoughtful human being is that sometimes they have to put others first and that others' feelings are important.

I completely agree with the second part of your post.

blaabloodyblaa · 30/05/2018 08:55

Each to their own I suppose but after being in this position myself last year and going with my dh as support it was clear I wasn't needed. He had all his family there and I felt like a spare part whilst they all sat there reminiscing and I was bored out of my tree. My dc on the other hand were poorly and I would have been more use at home. So yes op I think your plan is a good one. Your ex will remember you being there and it's important for them. Your dh is happy for you to go and support your dc and he has his wider family for support. Enjoy sports day, it's my dd's last one this year and that's its for sports days for us now as they are all grown up so I wouldn't miss the first or the last for the world.

BuntyII · 30/05/2018 08:57

'Yes, they have to learn sometimes to put others first, but sometimes they are allowed to come first too!'

I couldn't agree more with this. Seems like it's trendy at the minute to not give a shit about your child's feelings.

cuddlymunchkin · 30/05/2018 09:02

I would go to the sports day, it's a big deal to children and not something they should miss.
Your husband suggested you attend sports day, he has other family to reminisce about his grandfather with.
I think your current arrangement should remain in place as it's best for your family.

TheNavigator · 30/05/2018 09:08

I'm with you OP, seems a sensible and pragmatic approach. I can't understand the absolute outrage of some posters on this thread.

CombineBananaFister · 30/05/2018 09:10

DS (5 at the time) didn't go to DHs grandads funeral and that was actually Mils idea. She didn't see the need for the younger ones to be there who would require more looking after by the adults who might feel they couldn't grieve properly if they were there. I stayed home and ended up being childcare for all the primary aged nieces and nephews which worked fine. People request similar at weddings?
I'd say you're supporting your DH by giving him have the child free time to attend the funeral and support his family members.
If going actually meant missing out on something like a sports day then more reason not to go imo. How much is a 5yr really going to contribute to a funeral, probably be a distraction. Guess you just need to be careful the message Dc recieves from that- maybe do something different to show respect? . Light a candle/draw a card. Whatever works for you and your DH.

derxa · 30/05/2018 09:12

Seems like it's trendy at the minute to not give a shit about your child's feelings. I would say the opposite is true.

Fabellini · 30/05/2018 09:14

I genuinely don’t understand why you’re even asking to be honest. You’re happy with your decision, you reckon your child will be happy to have you at sports day, and you say your dh has stated he’s happy with the plan you’ve made.
So why on earth do you need to come on here and ask for opinions? Particularly when you’ve said you won’t change your mind regardless of what anyone says?
Just seems a bit goady.

InspMorse · 30/05/2018 09:27

I think it's fine as long as you are happy for others to behave the same way towards you and 'your' family.

So, should anything untoward happen to any of 'your' family, you wouldn't expect many people to turn up. Certainly not for anyone to prioritise, go out of their way, cancel other arrangements.

InspMorse · 30/05/2018 09:33

As for sports day.... neither of my parents attended my sports days. I didn't go to any of my DC's sports days (all at work).

Funnily enough, we all managed to survive missing these completely non events.

Hillarious · 30/05/2018 09:51

Those of you with teens - hands up if you remember their first sports day?

I do actually remember DC1's, but only because one of the dads in the parents running backwards race fell over, knocked himself out and had to be taken away in an ambulance. Cue no more parents running backwards races.

Verdad · 30/05/2018 10:01

You're reasoning is pathetic OP.

It's your husband's grandfather and you'd rather be watching 5 year olds do sack races? If I was one of your inlaws I would be seriously judging you for the disrespect. Grandpa believes funerals were for the living. Aren't you the living?

It's a shame to miss Sports Day, nothing more dramatic than that, a bit of a shame.

VileyRose · 30/05/2018 10:03

I do not remember the first sports day and usually just loads of waiting around with little ones anyway. Just miss it.

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