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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:

Verdad · 30/05/2018 10:07

I realise this is a tangent but just wanted to state that a funeral can easily last two hours if you attend the requiem mass (Catholic) at the church, then drive to the cememtery or crematorium and have the burial service at the graveside or the short service inside the crem then the actual burial followed by soil throwing or curtain closing with music part. That can easily total 2 hours.

Gagastwin · 30/05/2018 10:15

I can't remember any of my kids first sports days... Unless your dc is a fast-tracked olympian I would go to the funeral, very U.

Wanderwall · 30/05/2018 10:26

I would definitely do sports day.

It's the first one. Funerals are not for children.

It would be awful for your DC to be the only kid without a parent there. They are only 5.

No brainer for me.

SeaCabbage · 30/05/2018 10:32

I don't think the OP is going to sports day for herself! It's for her child who is only five years old. And to the five year old it feels very important.

All families are different. The DH here is quite happy for the OP to not attend the funeral. He suggested it.

The vitriol from people who don't seem to understand that other people's familes are not exactly like theirs, is quite horrible to read.

MadMaryBoddington · 30/05/2018 10:46

If there is one thing this thread demonstrates, it’s that families lend different weight to different events, and that’s fine.

My mother’s family had the attitude that funerals were a necessary evil to be got through in as low a key a way as possible. It was a case of go if you will get something out of it but don’t start cancelling holidays and other commitments. My grandparents would have been mortified at the idea of a grandchild-in-law who they barely knew missing their 5 year old’s sports day in order to attend (I can just imagine my Grandma’s face! She was lovely. Loved kids, hated fuss and ceremony). It would have been regarded as unnecessary, a little bit odd, and as someone upthread described it, ‘putting on a show’. Funerals on this side were always short and to the point, have-a-sandwich-if-you-must-now-bugger-off-and-let-us-grieve-in-peace type affairs.

But clearly to lots of others, funerals are a massive deal and missing them is a snub.

I’ve found this thread pretty fascinating to be honest; the different approaches and strength of feeling.

puch · 30/05/2018 10:54

I would go to the sports day. if it anything like ours we have sports day away from the school in a sports field and my child would be so upset if I wasn't there to cheer her on. First sports day are special . If It was DH dad yes I would go to the funeral but not DH grandad. At the end of the day if you DH is happy for you not to go it does not matter about anyone else. Good luck

HRTpatch · 30/05/2018 11:09

Exactly madmary. All families are different.
I am nearly 60 and have only attended parents' funerals.
Not grandparents, aunts, uncles.

TheClaws · 30/05/2018 11:11

First sports day are special. If It was DH dad yes I would go to the funeral but not DH grandad

But not the funeral of a family member? And this selectivity when choosing which funerals to go to is odd. Is DH Grandad not as special? Hmm, I smell socks ...

DinoSn0re · 30/05/2018 11:24

I would attend my DC sports day, without a doubt. It doesn’t matter to a dead person whether or not you’re at their funeral, and your DH doesn’t need you there, whereas it will probably matter an awful lot to your DC to have his mummy at his first sports day. Children’s feelings should come first IMO.

mostdays · 30/05/2018 11:31

I'd do what my DH felt was right, as it's his relative. If he wanted me to prioritise the funeral I would; if he thought I should be at the sports day, I'd do that.

Sallystyle · 30/05/2018 11:47

Yeah there is plenty of sports days but there is also plenty of FUNERALS!

Well, most people only have one funeral. So the fact that OP can attend another funeral for someone else one day is a bit of a stupid point.

I don't think first sports days are that special. They are just taking part in little races. Of course OP's son wants his mum there but plenty of children can't have a parent there and they manage just fine. I have missed many, probably a couple of 'first sports days too'.

My dh's grandparents are my family and a family funeral trumps sports day.

It would be awful for your DC to be the only kid without a parent there. They are only 5.

There will be plenty of children without a parent there.

RoseWhiteTips · 30/05/2018 11:48

Hmmmmm

MadisonAvenue · 30/05/2018 11:49

Not a decision I would make, I would be there to support my husband and his family

It may just be that one family member has voiced their opinion on you not going but I wouldn't mind betting that others have judged you in private.

Ginseng1 · 30/05/2018 12:00

I'd go funeral but am Irish (funerals a big thing!) & dh very close to his nan. He'd want us there & his mum would too. However my friend didn't go to her fil funeral. He wasn't particularly nice n never interested in the kids & her Dh was happy to go o his own. (it was in Germany so would have been a trek) so each to their own really.

gryffen · 30/05/2018 12:10

If you and hubby have agreed the plan then stick with it. DH uncle can be ruffled all he wants.

We cremated my gran last April and had to take my 2yr old daughter- she didn't have a clue and she was really well behaved she freaked out at the coffin slightly and obviously me and my family being upset.

She did become the joy in the service though by hugging everyone.

In this case your doing what's right, split up and you didn't say your hubby was close to his granpa so there is that.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 30/05/2018 12:12

If it was my DH in your husband's position, I'd go with what he wanted.

If it was me in your husband's position, I'd tell DH to go to the sports day, and woe betide anyone who told me I should have brought him.

Cornishclio · 30/05/2018 12:15

Normally I would say funeral would trump sports day but if your MIL and DH are ok with you not going then that is all that matters.

BaldricksTrousers · 30/05/2018 12:29

Funerals are not for children.

I very much disagree with this. Children of any age can learn about death in an appropriate, non-stigmatising way.

It makes less sense to a child that granny is here one day and suddenly gone forever. A funeral is a good way for a child to learn how to say goodbye, honour the memory of the dead, and possibly gain closure.

SoyDora · 30/05/2018 12:35

The vitriol from people who don't seem to understand that other people's familes are not exactly like theirs, is quite horrible to read

^ exactly this. We would do exactly the same as the OP in these circumstances, and that doesn’t make us a heartless, distant family. We are very close. We are also very pragmatic: We have experienced the death of many family members, including my brother who was in his 20’s when he died. Life is for the living.
We wouldn’t slag off people who do things differently to us.

Roussette · 30/05/2018 12:35

This is a very pointless thread as the OP has made her mind up anyway

worridmum · 30/05/2018 12:39

so when your family dies i hope your DH does not bother going to the funeral because they are not his family I bet you would not be impressed.

thecatsthecats · 30/05/2018 12:40

Is anyone else slightly put off by the idea that 'putting the children first' is the be all and end all?

Of course the needs of children come first. That's a no brainer.

Of course the reasonable wants of children are important. Another no brainer.

Of course the kid in this scenario WANTS to go to sports day, and will be sad to miss out.

But part of me says... so? They aren't being neglected or abused. They'd experience one of the sad and difficult parts of life, and they'd get over the sports days disappointment within a week.

I missed a school play because I had chicken pox. I don't give the proverbial about it now, or even a couple of weeks later. I do wish I'd met my grandad, who died before I was born.

It just strikes me as so 'off' to think an incredibly minor childhood disappointment should be a factor in decision making here. (It would be different if the argument were about the child's feelings about the funeral or grandparent themselves, but their feelings about a sports day are pretty far down the list surely?)

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 30/05/2018 12:51

so when your family dies i hope your DH does not bother going to the funeral because they are not his family I bet you would not be impressed.

Charming person, aren't you.

I take it you missed that this was the DH's idea.

curious86 · 30/05/2018 12:54

If DH is happy for you to go the sports day that should be it.
As much as I'm assuming you would want to support your DH you also want to support your DC, sports day may seem irrelevant to some but to a child it's a big deal

insancerre · 30/05/2018 12:55

When I'm dead I really won't care who does go or who doesn't go to my funeral

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