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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:

Amummyatlast · 29/05/2018 20:55

I can understand some people requiring support at the funeral of a grandparent. But I wouldn't need that support, and it sounds like the OP's DH doesn't either.

soapboxqueen · 29/05/2018 20:55

I agree with the OP. Funerals aren't a time for presenteeism. If your dh is happy enough with the arrangement it is fine.

I didn't go to my dh's grandmothers funeral because I knew my ds's behaviour might rub some people up the wrong way considering the occasion, he has Asd. I could have had somebody take care of him but it didn't sit right with me to go when he couldn't go. So dh went without me.

Some people place far more importance on Funerals than others do.

BewareOfDragons · 29/05/2018 20:56

If your DH is happy with the plan, I would do what you're doing, OP.

I agree with prioritising the living, tbh. Be there for your children if your DH doesn't need you with him, and it sounds like he doesn't. More likely he'll be supporting relatives who were closer to his grandfather.

I would have made the same decision, even for an elderly family member of my own most likely. I hate funerals. Really, really hate them. I prefer mourning in my own time and way.

BrilliantDarling · 29/05/2018 20:56

"VileyRose

" I would go out of respect for my Husband."

Even if your husband had agreed it would be best if he went to the funeral and you went to the sports day to cheer on your young children.
Would you really just insist on going to the funeral out of respect for your husband?

MadMaryBoddington · 29/05/2018 20:56

Sounds sensible to me.

I was pressured into going to dh’s grandmother’s funeral, heavily pregnant and with a toddler. Toddler started squawking about five mins in so I was nudged to take her out. It was snowing. Dh had the car keys on him so I couldn’t sit in the car. I got lost trying to find shelter (church was down a long lane through a forest) and ended up huddled in a shed thing I found with a screaming child, both of us freezing because we had smart funeral outfits on instead of weather appropriate gear. I was exhausted and couldn’t carry dd a step further, couldn’t find my way back anyway; I was frantically texting the family for help but they all had their phones switched off. It was fucking awful and I wish I’d had a Sports day to go to instead.

Sorry that was all irrelevant to your situation op, but the fact is I wasn’t needed at that funeral and should never have been pressured into going.

MissVanjie · 29/05/2018 20:56

“My husband's family are not my family. My family are not his family.”

Well aren’t you a sweetheart

CluedoAddict · 29/05/2018 20:56

You sound very cold hearted.

EvilTwins · 29/05/2018 20:56

I’m with you OP.

DH has lost an Uncle and an Aunt in the last two years. The DC and I did not go with him to the first funeral, and no one went to the second (literally - his Aunt’s DH said the funeral was for him alone and no one else was welcome)

I don’t think it’s appropriate to take DC out of school for the funeral of someone they barely knew.

Original poster

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:57

Daily Mail can fuck off There. That deals with that.

Yes,my priorities are with my children. Always will be.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 29/05/2018 20:58

I wouldnt make this choice. I would go to the funeral

Original poster

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:59

I'm perfectly warm-hearted to those that matter. I'm not inclined to bring emotion to an online debate.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/05/2018 21:00

The thing that baffles me the most is the family member not being impressed you're not going.

I'd have the bunting out in their shoes.

Roussette · 29/05/2018 21:00

Why start a thread if you know what you're going to do? Usually ppl post because they want feedback, you don't!

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2018 21:00

Don't think many schools would authorise a day out of school for great grandparent's funeral as not close enough relative.

randomthoughts · 29/05/2018 21:00

I didn’t go to my husband’s GM’s funeral, but it was a year into our relationship and I hadn’t met her. When his other grandma died it was really important for me to be there, as we were close. My GM died when we were married with a 4 and 1 year old, mid winter and 100 miles away. I didn’t expect him to come, instead he stayed at home and looked after the kids. The most important thing was I was there to support my dad and his sisters. Some partners came, others didn’t, no one judged those who didn’t.

Moussemoose · 29/05/2018 21:00

One of the things we teach our children is to do the right thing, the respect others. Sometimes our own needs and wants aren't the most important thing.

I think this is massively disrespectful not to go.

Funerals of distant relatives are an ideal opportunity to talk about life and death, spiritual issues and the whole pattern of life. The children are involved but you are not distressed or distraught so you can help and guide them and teach them about life. Or you could watch them jump through hoops.

Ipdipme · 29/05/2018 21:01

I’d do the same as you OP.

Guessing your DC would be upset to miss sports day or if nobody was there to watch. Assuming they’d not rather go to a funeral.

DH and I would have made same choice as you.

GeekyWombat · 29/05/2018 21:02

I wouldn't be taking my five year old to a funeral whether or not sports day was booked at the same time. Or is the issue purely that you're not going?

Yura · 29/05/2018 21:02

i'm really surprised by the number of people thr prioritise the dead over the living (ops husband doesn't need support, and she is not close to the family, so her going would be just because"thats what you do", but the 5 year old would suffer for no good reason)

Roussette · 29/05/2018 21:02

When children become adults parents can't even remember sports days, in the big scheme of things they really are not terribly important and they come round with monotonous regularity

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/05/2018 21:02

Don't think many schools would authorise a day out of school for great grandparent's funeral as not close enough relative.

I'm a law abiding soul but I wouldn't be accepting that for one instant.

Yura · 29/05/2018 21:03

The last funeral i went to was 2 hours sitting in a church - good luck getting a 5 year oldvto do that!

JosBoys · 29/05/2018 21:04

You've already decided and your DP agrees with you. Why are you here except to try to cause a bun fight? Couldn't you just go on Twitter and declare your support for Roseann? At least then you'd be topical.

bobtailbunny · 29/05/2018 21:04

Rat I see where you're coming from, I don't think of my DHs family as mine either, the only one I would say is family is his sister. I do acknowledge that they are my children's family though which is why I've put up with what I've had to over the years. It doesn't make you cold hearted, all family dynamics are different and so are attitudes towards being at funerals.

user1471426142 · 29/05/2018 21:04

If you’re happy with your decision then that’s your choice. However, as you will see from the range of opinions on here that decision risks hurting family members. Missing the funeral for childcare, exams, work, sickness etc are all valid reasons that wouldn’t provoke the same reaction. I think it is the fact you’ve put a sports day over a funeral that would upset quite a lot of people. Lots of kids won’t have a parent there for various reasons. It is an optional fun thing that will be repeated over the years. It isn’t a once in a lifetime experience or one that is critical to future prospects. Some will read your decision as ‘he meant so little to me that I’m prioritising sports day’. Some people will see the negative connotations (ie lack of thought for the deceased) whereas you’re talking about the positives re supporting your children.

For many families funerals are also one of the few chances to bring the extended family together. Opting out of that is another factor that might be upsetting the family member.

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