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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 29/05/2018 20:35

I don't see why you're bothering to find out what the opinions of others are if plans will not change.

TheOneWith · 29/05/2018 20:35

How odd that you would seek the opinion of strangers, whilst not caring that you’ve upset a family member.

YearOfYouRemember · 29/05/2018 20:36

When you marry your spouses family become your family.…

TeenTimesTwo · 29/05/2018 20:36

Personally I'd go to the funeral with both DCs. They can say goodbye, and see it is OK to be sad etc.
But if the DCs aren't going then it makes sense for you to also not go to do school run etc.

BlueBug45 · 29/05/2018 20:36

Nope.

Children who are not secondary age shouldn't be a funerals unless it is of a parent or sibling.

HairyToity · 29/05/2018 20:37

I would always do my DH grandads funeral, if at all possible I would get my mum or brother to go to sports day. DH was very close to his grandad.

I think my 5 year old daughter is old enough to understand that the world does not revolve around her, and her great grandads funeral needs to take precedence. I'd probably take her to MacDonald's for a treat tea to make up for it, and buy her a magazine.

Original poster
RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:38

He's not my family member. I don't know him. I would entirely support DH in putting the children first in an equivalent situation in my family.

OP posts:
DragonsAndCakes · 29/05/2018 20:39

We ran through the scenario and decided that DH would go to the funeral, I go to sports day and his family would probably kick off about me not being at the funeral.
So that’s no help...

happypoobum · 29/05/2018 20:39

YANBU - I very rarely attend funerals.

I had shit off of XH family because I didn't attend his Grandmothers funeral but I couldn't get the time off work (no holiday left and no compassionate leave for such a distant relative) and certainly wasn't going to throw a sickie for it.

If your DH is happy with the arrangement and has support from the rest of his family on the day, then I would definitely go to the Sports Day.

RedSkyAtNight · 29/05/2018 20:40

Even if you think DC is too young for the funeral, will he not go to the get together afterwards? I'm sure the wider family would appreciate him being there.

Based on past experience, planning anything round sports day is a lost cause anyway - they are virtually guaranteed never to happen on the actual planned date.

PattiStanger · 29/05/2018 20:40

And him being one of the few kuds without a parent there wouldn't be nice

Is it normal for every child to have a parent at sports day? Ime working parents can't always take time off for it. I work part time and if it falls on a day I work I wouldn't use precious holiday for a couple of minutes of my child running round the school field

PoisonousSmurf · 29/05/2018 20:41

Really BlueBug45? Our own DDs (now aged 16 and 14), have been to four funerals already. For my mum, my DH's mum, and DDs great grandparents. All within four years of each other.
They are not reduced to mush because of grief.
In fact they cry more over dead pets than relatives.

Parker231 · 29/05/2018 20:41

It’s very sad that you don’t consider him family. I can’t imagine missing a close relatives funeral and be there to help organize and support my family.

Thingywhatsit · 29/05/2018 20:42

I would do the same as you op with the circumstances you describe.

When my grandmother died my ds attended the funeral. He was 4, he wanted to go, he was there when she died, when the funeral directors came for her body, and she saw him at least 4 times a week so was very involved in his life (despite being 90 odd).

But that is not the relationship your children have with their great grandparent. They should carry on with their day as normal, and as such you should attend their sports day. Yes they come around every year but for your 5 yr old this seems to be a very important event in his limited life, and as sports day vary from school to school I am guessing it is a big deal in your dc's school.

Yvest · 29/05/2018 20:43

Strange decision. I wouldn’t have made it. I would have got someone on my side to do the sports day.

Beeziekn33ze · 29/05/2018 20:43

OP - A reasonable family compromise.
It sounds as if the uncle just assumed you and DH would be there together - as you may have been had it not been sports day!

These days I don’t think so many families expect a 3 line whip for funerals. At my aunt’s funeral my adult children came but here was no expectation that their partners would. My aunt’s nephews and nieces came with partners but, again, there was no thought that their adult children should be there.

Yura · 29/05/2018 20:43

@Pattistanger at reception age -yes, most kids have a parent there. Less as they get older, but for their first sportsday its pretty normal.

Plumsofwrath · 29/05/2018 20:43

Bloody hell. With family like you.... Shock

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 20:44

I agree with you OP. DH didn’t come to my grandad’s funeral, he was at home looking after our 1 year old (no other childcare). No one minded.

PeakPants · 29/05/2018 20:44

why do people thin funerals are so important? The dead person won't know if you went or not- it's for the relatives to say goodbye. As long as they all get a chance to do that, why is it an issue if someone else does not get a chance to say goodbye? It's not like missing someone's birthday party.

Also, in reality, when you get married, your families do not merge. Often, you have very little contact with in-laws and there is a big difference between your own family and that of your spouse.

It's not a good idea to bring kids to funerals so it sounds like the OP is doing the best thing by going to sports day. Her DH is fine with it too so I don't think any of you need to be outraged on his behalf.

BrilliantDarling · 29/05/2018 20:44

Wow I can't believe the amount of people who think the Op should be going to the funeral!
I would definitely be going the sports day if I was in your position Op. Like you said it's your husbands Gp and he will be attending so at least one of you are there.
What is the point of both of you attending the funeral, the grandparent isn't going to notice but your son/daughter will.
Funerals are to pay your respect which you can do anytime in your own way.

Dancingtothebeat · 29/05/2018 20:44

I don't think it is more important. He's not my family.

And if you can’t see why that attitude is distasteful and unpleasant and would be upsetting for the bereaved I think you’re beyond hope as a human being.

I bet if inheritances are dishes out you won’t refuse to benefit from that because they’re ‘not your family’.

crunchtime · 29/05/2018 20:44

Why don't you know him? I find it weird that you claim no relationship whatsoever with your partners grandparent.

SeriousSass · 29/05/2018 20:45

YANBU. I’d have done the same. Your DH is happy with it so I would be too.

If I was in your DHs position I would prefer to go on my own and be able to relax and talk with family rather than worrying about kids etc.

VileyRose · 29/05/2018 20:45

I would go out of respect for my Husband.

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