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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GP-in-law funeral Vs sports day

308 replies

RatOnnaStick · 29/05/2018 20:18

We've decided DH will do the funeral, (his Grandparent), and I will do sports day. It's the first for DS2.

Perfectly reasonable split, we think, but family member organising the funeral is unimpressed.

AIBU to prioritise living children over dead grandad-in-law?

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 29/05/2018 21:04

If your priority is your child then surely you want them to learn about respect for their family - you might not consider them your family but your DS is related to them.

You might also think attending a funeral might teach them important life lessons, kindness to others, life and death etc - obviously all discussed in an age appropriate way.

Mayhemmumma · 29/05/2018 21:04

I would have not specified sports day and just said for child care reasons you can't go.

It's probably the wrong call imo (And I love sports days/ kids stuff)

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2018 21:05

It's interesting that some posters on this thread think it's one of those AIBU ones where everyone but the OP think they are being BU, but there are many of us who agree with her not going to the funeral. And it is an uncle who she has hardly met, so not a close relative to her, who is complaining about her not attending, not relatives she is close to e.g. MIL

Ipdipme · 29/05/2018 21:06

Also to me funerals are for those living who had a connection to the deceased and want/need to say goodbye. Which doesn’t apply to you or your DC In this case OP. So as long as your DH is happy then I think you’ve made the right choice.

Nobody should feel coerced into going to a funeral of someone they don’t have that connection with. Especially not a child.

chocolateworshipper · 29/05/2018 21:07

I personally feel that a 5 yo is too young for a funeral (but totally respect that not everyone feels that way). I realise that this depends on religious beliefs, but I know that if I were on the other side, I'd want my 5yo great grandson to enjoy his sports day. Celebrating life can be a good way to honour the deceased in my opinion.

mrsm43s · 29/05/2018 21:07

Assuming that you were not close to the deceased, are not close to the bereaved PIL, and your DH was not close to the deceased and/or you do not wish to provide support to him, then you are making the right choice.

Wouldn't be the choice I'd make though, as I'm close to my family in law, and would want to be there to support my grieving husband.

Sports days are a hugely dull non event, and don't come even close on the scale of importance to a family funeral.

nannybeach · 29/05/2018 21:09

as per first page, funerals are for the living, o pay your respects to other relatives.Exactly Ipdipme, wheres the wife, "Oh, shes gone to school sports day"

Gillian1980 · 29/05/2018 21:12

Yanbu. I totally see where you’re coming from. I’d be perfectly fine if this happened within mine of dh’s Family, and we’re all very close.

Alibaba87 · 29/05/2018 21:13

I’d do sports day. My OH didn’t come to my aunties funeral. He knew her, but I didn’t feel it necessary he attend. I also think 5yo is pretty young to go to a funeral, other than that of a parent/sibling. I didn’t go to my nans funeral when I was 4 for the same reason.

Quickerthanavicar · 29/05/2018 21:13

Wow!

Onlyoldontheoutside · 29/05/2018 21:16

Most people don't take small children to funerals that I have been to unless it's a parent)sibling.We used to take our DD simply because we don't live close to family and we couldn't leave her overnight or longer.We were minority.

MadMaryBoddington · 29/05/2018 21:16

I’m going to my uncle’s funeral next week. Dh has met him twice. It never occurred to us for a second that he should take a day off work to attend, or that we would take our primary aged dc out of school for it. I’m amazed by some of the responses on this thread.

ForalltheSaints · 29/05/2018 21:20

I'm surprised too. Funeral would be the only thought for me.

Thesearepearls · 29/05/2018 21:21

The OP considers that she is putting her children first - and most of us would agree with the idea of putting our children first

But is it really? I don't think going to a sports day IS putting the children first. I think it's putting their enjoyment first. I don't necessarily subscribe to the fact that it's putting their emotional development (as caring respectful human beings) first.

Oh well, the OP's mind is well and truly made up. And shadow voices on the internet are not going to make any more difference than the OP's relatives-in-law.

Lovemusic33 · 29/05/2018 21:22

Go to sports day and don’t feel guilty, I’m sure the deceast would rather you didn’t miss your dc’s first sports Day?

Seems to be a mixed response on here but OP should do what she feels is best and shouldn’t be judged.

Clubcuts · 29/05/2018 21:22

@Violetroselily , it's not no inbu! It's I don't care I know iabu !

FFS! How unreasonable!

Beansonapost · 29/05/2018 21:23

Your child will remember this; grandad won't he's dead and gone.

Support your living child.

Sports days may come around regularly, but there will only ever be one first sports day.

Funerals also come round... however irregular they do come round; plenty of time to impart life lessons about death, grieving & empathy to a growing child... perhaps a lesson better understood when he is older.

My first funeral was at age 11... and I was clueless and more fascinated with my cousin laying in the casket and why his lips were so black. (Open casket) ... it's cultural. Anyways I still don't understand them and I suppose I haven't lost anyone particularly close to me at 30 to completely grasp the "lessons" that come with funerals 😐... the child is not missing out.

Good plan @RatOnnaStick.

WilburIsSomePig · 29/05/2018 21:23

I’m amazed by some of the responses on this thread. So am I, but for different reasons.

IMO funerals are clearly not for the deceased. They are to support those who DO care.

I wasn't close to DH's uncle, I'd only met him a few times when he died, but DH was close to him so I went to the funeral for him.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2018 21:24

I also have to say, that when it's my time to shuffle off this mortal coil, if I knew there was a 5 year old grandchild/great grandchild who had the choice of taking part in sports day or attending my funeral, I would want them to do sports day and possibly with a parent cheering them on. They can remember me in different ways

Pipsqueak11 · 29/05/2018 21:25

bizarre choice - surely being a fully paid up member of the family participating in significant family events like this takes priority over a sports day . i think failing to attend is highly disrespectful and would seriously affect ongoing family relations. Sports days are two a penny - often rained- off non events IMHO

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 21:25

I wasn't close to DH's uncle, I'd only met him a few times when he died, but DH was close to him so I went to the funeral for him

But the OP and her DH have agreed that she’s better off going to the sports day. He’s happy for her not to go to the funeral. So that isn’t relevant here is it?
I was happy for my DH not to come to my grandfathers funeral. He was more useful elsewhere. If he’d insisted on coming because some other people thought I needed the support I’d be a bit HmmConfused

Possumfish · 29/05/2018 21:28

I wasn't close to dh granddad. I'd only met him once. But I went to the funeral to support my DH! Sports days happen every year, you only get to say goodbye once.

SoyDora · 29/05/2018 21:29

Her DH has said he doesn’t want or need her support!!!

Usernameunknown2 · 29/05/2018 21:30

I think if your dh wanted you there or the granddad would have then i would say funeral. Since dh is for you not going and his granddad would value sports day more then i would do sports day.

It might sour your relationship with some of dhs family though so be prepared for it and dont anticipate anything from them in terms or help or support in the future. If they feel upset, you wont get it.

Blinkingblimey · 29/05/2018 21:30

Hey OP, if it’s what you & dh have agreed then ignore the criticism. I missed my SIL’s funeral because it was a very long journey/the kids would not have been an appropriate addition to proceedings and I had zero childcare options that I could call upon. DH was in agreement & actually felt I/the kids would have been a distraction to his ability to support the family members who really needed it. 💐