Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

All inclusive - you will love it.

I work full time and point blank refuse to go on any holiday where I would even need to make a bed. Stop being a Marytr and give yourself a well earnt break.

We used to make self catering work by having sandwiches for lunch and eating out in the evening

But I prefer hotels!

We do a week of each,in a good year

I also agree about breakfast unsupervised. Mine were trained to do their own breakfast and clean up spills from quite young. They need a certain amount of grace, they won't always do it exactly as I would but that applies to anything. I do think it's empowering for them to encourage self sufficiency. If you are to hand some control over to DH, similarly give him grace to do it not quite to your standards.

Meds are slightly different. My 11 year old does her own but we still control access.

Morning all,
Thank you. Wrongside- taking that on board, there is truth in what you say.

Edi - just wow! I’m not a SAHP. I work 30 or do hours a week with kids at school and after school club. Even if I were a sahp though, why wouldn’t I deserve a holiday too? Just wow!

My partner brought me coffee in bed this morning. He has literally never done that. He brought me child’s meds in bed too - I suggested he give it to her instead (she was in with me). So he did. Baby steps.

Oh my god that cartoon article is awesome. I think he will get that. It’s literally my life.

He promises to try. And then nothing happens

Why would he? It's easier and more pleasant for him not to change. he doesn't care that it makes your life less easy and pleasant. Or at least he doesn't care enough.

And he says he hates hotels...so what? Why do his preferences trump yours for a relaxing holiday? I tell you why. Same as above. He doesn't care about your preferences or your chance of a relaxing holiday enough to change his ways.

That's the long and the short of it. He doesn't care enough to try. Let alone actually change.

Doesn't that tell you something?

Ok. So after a really good start (breakfast was made and on table before we got uP), I showed him the cartoon and it took a blazing row (under breath, kids in pool) to discuss it. It has been precipitated when he told the bowel issue child to ‘ask mummy’ abour Eating her fruit. I asked him why that was my decision when he’d taken charge of breakfast. We went from there.

I had to give examples of why the man in th French cartoon was him too - he literally did not understand it. He got v defensive and threatened to go home: I said I’d wanted to go home since we got here and that was the issue. I had to give examples. Gave the example of day 1 when we were by pool and kids needed towels, drinks, cuddle, general kid shit (on day 1 when no one knows where anything is) and I couldn’t get to the end of a single page. He sat and read his book entirely undisturbed. Everything is like that. I think that hit Home. I said it wasn’t about doing ‘his best’ (if he says this again I’ll punch him) it’s about taking responsibility himself. It’s about showing his girls he gives as much of a shit as I do, that he’s just as much of a parent as I am. That h isn’t just the man on the sunbed.

He thinks I’m being unfair but I think the thing that hit Home the most was when I said he was showing his girls that women are the Home makers and does he really want this for his kids. Another generation of bloody servitude?

I didn’t hold back. 10 years of frustration came flooding out. He’s reeling. But I’m hoping that he’ll finally get the difference between ‘helping’ (his word) and taking equal responsibility.

Edi, piss off. A million posters as well as the OP have told you she is not an SAHM.

Although I don't see why she wouldn't deserve a holiday if she were.

OP, he sounds like very hard work ('I had to give examples of why the man in th French cartoon was him too - he literally did not understand it' –is he this thick when it comes to his work?)
but perhaps something is starting to sink in. Good for you.

He’s not thick. But I would not describe him as emotionally intelligent.

@shitholiday2018 hope it's helpful ..... this is from someone who now does lists for everyone to share, has a constant snack box, got a fridge with a water dispenser and no longer has a meltdown after cleaning the house on the Saturday while the boys played footie ! This was all after reading the mental load comics ..... my DH works big hours too. But so do I, give yourself a break .... before you break !

As everyone says, this isn't a self catering problem, it's a useless husband problem.

Personally I love self catering in a flat/villa as you get much more space than in a hotel room. Usually over a week in a self catering place we'll eat out once or twice, takeaway once or twice, then easy dinners like pizza, pasta and sauce, fishfingers and chips - heat and serve rather than cooking.

But if you;re not enjoying the break then it's perfectly reasonable to ask to do something different next year.

Oh @shitholiday2018 sorry I've just seen your latest update. I feel your pain ...... honestly talking sometimes doesn't work men like that ! I too had the ... do you think I do nothing fight. Calmly take yourself off for a few hours, tell your DC you've to run a few important mummy errands. Tell DH he's in charge. Take yourself off, get your nails done, go out for a wine and take stock x

Try this hotel op. Fantastic views, loads of kid stuff including surf club. I’ve stayed here 3 time. It never feels crowded, it’s very large. www.esplanadehotelnewquay.co.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwl7nYBRCwARIsAL7O7dHMdb95k0znAxvuqtuV8JT8nRAJVJqAfYZW2OXeP3d_k9aWAUkD9UsaAtr_EALw_wcB

I hated hotels too until l went there😊

what an awful state- 10 years like this? Did you se signs of his lack of practicality, selfishness, thoughtlessness before you married him? I'd say maybe suggest he bonds with the kids, you stay at home or go away with just the two of you.... Sounds like you are his parent, and it would drive me £$%^ing crazy.

So even after all that he still thinks you're being unfair?

Why has it taken ten years to say anything though? My DH isn't perfect but has been hands on with the kids -whether he wanted to or not - since I gave birth. I've never let him get away with not helping!

Have a google of Aspergers.
As you said, he is emotionally clueless. The constant reminders to do the most logical things.
We are in the process of looking at holidays, it will be AI because my DH is exactly the same, but he has a diagnosis. It's draining. I think of it as parenting 3 children with constant reminders to the older one (DH) on what needs doing.
Your holiday sounds exactly like ours were before we twigged about DH. We now go AI for me to have a break and not think about 'the same shit, different location'.

Go and check yourself into a hotel alone for 2 nights

You have left this a long long time op so it is going to be hard to change. It will be a miserable period where you really have to repeatedly pick up on everything and tie it back to what you talked about, and push right back when he gets pissed off that this effort is nothing compared to the 10 years of parenting he hasn’t done. And point out that if he gets his shit together you wont need to do ten years of fixing his ten years of non oarenting, just as well as you don’t have it in you.

I feel your pain, I work full time but still seem to be fully responsible for children when we're away.
What about somewhere like Center Parcs? We've just come back from our first trip and there's loads of activities for children. For example, you could book him on tree top walk with children so there's structure and a timetable for him to follow meaning you get a bit of a break yourself (there's a spa!)
The cabins are self catering but there are restaurants too.
My husband sounds quite similar, I carry the full mental load. Could you go and visit a friend for a few nights and let him experience how much you do on a daily basis?

I'm really shocked at the responses on here. I think in most families, the idea that the working parent should work 12 hour days and then be expected to steam vegetables and make beds on 'holiday' would be met with derision.

The working parent enables the SAHP to go on holiday in the first place, so they should be treated as such.

No Edi, in most places, the idea that a SAHP isn't entitled to a single day off their duties all year because they are a SAHP would rightly be met with derision

I have a H like this too.
I have stopped doing everything (not even out of choice, I got so run down I couldn’t do all those things) and was made to feel awful about it because .... yep he was doing soooo much (read maybe half of the things that are needed) whilst I was doing nothing and being lazy (read not doing everything and daring being ill).

He is doing a lot more but still doesn’t get that I am the one who is holding the fort. Because the number of physical things to do has gone down for me (and up for him) but the mental load hasn’t changed.

I really think it’s a mix of not wanting to step up because let’s face it, it’s a pain. And looking around and genuinely thinking they do a lot (but none of the organisation) because as a society we think that fathers who do the cooking once in a while and put a load of washing are heroes who are doing a lot more than their fathers did (read a lot more than they should).

The consequences for me (and I hope this will not be the case for you) is that I’ve fighted for years to get a better balance within the relationship. I found excuses (such as AS, poor him he has no emotional intelligence etc...). I tried to do it all. And in the end, this has destroyed any respect and love I could have for him.

Edi I’ll disagree with you completely.
For one, the OP is WORKING 30hours a week. That’s not being a SAHP anyway.
But as a SAHP, you are entitled to some rest, some support and some holiday. Just like your working spouse.
Being a SAHP means you are the person solely responsible of the children/house when the other person is at work. You might agree it also means that’s the person to get up at night every night. But it certainly doesn’t mean that the SAHP is also solely responsible at weekends and hols. It doesn’t mean that the working parent should be able to come home and not lift a finger.
Being a working parent doesn’t entitle you to have a slave at home.
Being a SAHP doesn’t make a skivvy for the one who is working.
Surely when both parents are working, they both (should) find ways to be a parents when they are back home. Same applies when one of the parent is a SAHP.