Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

It sounds like the problem is you do everything and he has got used to that so it has become your norm. You need to speak to him about it and make it clear that change is needed at home not just on holiday. If he is used to you doing the medication then it won’t cross his mind to do it.

Can the child do their own meds? Or be trained to ask for them at a set time? Ds gets up and goes straight to the kitchen ready to be given his meds so it’s a routine thing now

I don’t know what I want to do.

Yes he’s like this always. I do everything and periodically shout at him for forgetting a medical condition one child has had for life. I’m well aware I have somewhat created this situation. He does extremely long hours and it makes no sense on an every day basis to divide kids stuff up. He’s rarely there anyway in the week.

I take the point on having no plan. I think the plan is to remember how bloody awful it is and not do it again. I do agree that this isn’t working so we need either a plan B or agree not to holiday.

Maybe DH fancies a nice AI resort hotel... and thinks he shouldn’t have to fuck about steaming broccoli on holiday just because his wife refuses to do a holiday if it isn’t SC.

Or he could be a useless toad.

Hard to tell.

He hates hotels too. More than me but it’s mutual.

If your kid has had this for life i think they should be old enough to administer it themselves.

But anyway thats just a detail.

Maybe tomorrow you should try totally taking your foot off the break and see what happens.

Leave your kids tablet on the kitchen tablw, instruct them to have med and breakfast when they get up, and then tomorrow just do nothing, no tidying, no cleaning, go out for lunch and pick at fridge for tea.

See how he responds and how you feel.

When was the last time you actually went to a hotel? Sounds like you don't really know what they're like and have decided you hate them! Really can't be worse than your current holiday situation.

Also two hours of telly before breakfast is fine, it's a holiday!

You can go self catering in a place where you can eat out more?

Go away without your husband. That way you are looking after your actual kids.

I always go self catering. I’ve never cooked a meal yet. We eat out all the time.

We stayed in a brilliant hotel in Morocco that had a totally separate villa - own kitchen etc but we went 1/2 board so that the hotel fed us twice a day and we ate out / had a piece of fruit etc the other meal. Best of both worlds. There are plenty of hotels like this.

Meds need supervision for various reasons.

I have this conversation every holiday. But accept I’m probably being a martyr too.

I like the idea of just downing tools.

The tv is not the issue. It’s the late meds, caused by late breakfast, caused by two hours of tv. Tv is not the issue - I give a banana and then meds on lazy mornings.

Tinlegs this sounds much more like it. Space but with options.

If he's useless at home I can't see why you expect him to be any better when away.
Spend the next 50 weeks getting your husband to pull his finger out and function as a proper parent.

I’d be pissed off too. It’s not worth a lie in when you have to sort everything out. I once said is this mess my punishment for having a lie in?
It is worth the 5 mins of mental stress to give explicit instructions about what needs to be done by whenever.

Do the meds actually have to be given like clockwork? Most a small amount of difference won’t make much impact.

If they are so time vital then the child does need to learn to at least ask for them

Ohcrepe - it’s a good point, I’ll do a list. It will be through ducking gritted teeth when the things on it are things we do every day for 7 years!!!!

Sirzy, it’s not to the minute but two hours is a missed dose in theory and then affects the next one, if you see what I mean.

Maybe it’s safer to train th 7 year old than the father though.

Wet beach towel I would just leave, his problem, also if its hot will dry quickly.

I also would relax about the 2 hours TV, its a holiday.

The medicine and food for obviously does need to be done. Hotels vary a lot, AI is the obvious solution to not wanting to do anything or be on a timetable but do tend to be crowded. I think you can get serviced apartments though with more privacy and can sometimes order in breakfast. I'm not a big fan of AI but my kids love it and all the work is done so we often go for it. If you don't want crowds there are destinations often the beaten track, not always so hot, but not crowded. We stayed in Finland once in a chalet and the lady who owned it made homemade breakfast and dinner, place you watch bears in wild.

I am not defending your DH in any way, but if he's not part of the family in everyday life then it stands to reason that when you all go on holiday he won't have a clue what to do. That's not your problem to solve at all btw - but he has to face the fact that if he tunes out on his children in order to work very long hours it's going to have serious consequences and this is one of them - being like a spare wheel when he is there.

Is this what he wants from his life? Very long hours at work, two children he doesn't know how to care for and a wife who thinks he's a waste of space?

Sounds like you need a holiday from your family!

We nearly always did hotels rather than self catering with young DC.
If self catering we always use the local restaurants, pubs and cafes for all meals, no need to cook, washing up and cleaning.
Have you thought about a cruise? 24 hour dining.
Doing shit like cooking broccoli and washing towels is not a holiday imo. Time for a change.

YANBU. Your husband needs to figure out things like essential medication because god forbid you get hit by a bus tomorrow, he will be the primary caregiver. I don't care how stressful or pressured his job is, that's fundamental to being a parent.

That being said, your post reminds me of this!! www.theonion.com/mom-spends-beach-vacation-assuming-all-household-duties-1819575406

It's kind of fundamental to the idea of self-catering that you do a lot of domestic tasks - so either he steps up so it's 50/50 while on holiday, you stay in a hotel, or you stay at a villa with staff (best option IMO).

His behaviour at hols is the reflection of his behaviour at home.
It won’t change until things changed at home too.

I would take a week hols on my own once a year. And leave him wanting th the dcs to sort out for the week. He needs a very big wake up call.

You can get a villa with staff????

spaguetti I susoectvthats not how he sees things though.
He will see that he is doing the hard and important task of being the breadwinner and having the stressful job (why men always have stressful jobs is another issue...).
He will see his wife doing her duty by doing all the chores and looking after the dcs.
He will not see the fact he can’t look after his own dcs to keep them alive and healthy as an issue because that’s not his role.

Sad but with big advantages for him. No housework and responsibilities. No worries about how the dcs are doing, making them eat Vegs etc...