Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

Well done, OP.

Not really a break when you've got one eye on the clock for school pick up time.

A holiday is a holiday, everyone needs a change and downtime.

Happening every year for 10 years? Well in one way you're pretty lucky because most people I know can't afford to have an actual holiday every year. When I was growing up we had a beach holiday once. No other holidays anywhere. All home every year. Many of my friends never went on any holidays, either. So to go every 2 or 3 years would be amazing, let alone every year. I wish my childhood was that great. You're very very fortunate I must say! Half your luck!
Anyway.....I think at 7 years old your child should be old enough to pour a bowl of cereal or get a banana or 2 themselves, and swallow a tablet. What if they go on camp in the next school year? You can't go with them then, to give them breakfast. I've known kids that age them give themselves their own insulin injections.

It is really great your husband is making an effort. He needs to realise that one day you may be very sick or there may be a medical emergency with you, and he will need to carry some load. I hope it all goes well for you.

Salem, he needs to carry some load every day, not just for some hypothetical day when OP has an emergency.

And saying OP is lucky to have a holiday is musing the point and making it a race to the bottom.

*missing

Bread and jam for breakfast and cheese and salad for lunch would work if that was all that was on offer.

And it's not necessarily miserable or insubstantial either. Lovely fresh bakery crusty bread with good, high fruit jam.

Lots of different interesting cheeses and tomatoes that actually taste of something. Add more bread, cured meats and pickles and crisps and it would be quite a feast.

Salem, maybe give the Four Yorkshiremen thing a rest! I had crap or no holidays as a child too, but that has ZERO bearing on this thread.

My dh needs to carry some load every day not just if I get hit by a bus. Daily participation in the work of family life is not only how I know he will be able to look after them if I am hit by a bus (as opposed to empty promises), but also why we are still married.

Not really a break when you've got one eye on the clock for school pick up time

That's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've heard

It's as much a break as anything is when you have DC.

What's ridiculous is saying a SAHP doesn't deserve to relax on holiday (i.e. has to do all the grunt work like OP) because their children are of school age.

That is NOT the same as being on holiday without any chores.

It's utter stupidity to think they are the same.

@lacucuracha

No one has said that a SAHP doesn't deserve to relax on holiday because they have school aged children

I've pointed out SAHP to school aged children have considerably more relaxation time overall than parents that work FT.

I don't think it's unreasonable to allow that to impact in how time is divided in hols.

I feel a parent who works part-time and still takes on the main responsibilities of the children and house actually does more than a parent who works full-time but only has to sort themselves out.

Obviously this depends on many different factors but generally that's how I feel.

Glad things have improved on your holiday but you need to stay on top of this when you get home too. Whenever he is home childcare tasks should be shared, to start with you will need to direct things a bit to get the ball rolling - suggest the children ask Daddy for a snack, help, bathtime whatever just start getting him to pitch in.

Also get a hobby that takes you out of the house and leaves him in full charge REGULARLY, at least one evening and sometimes on weekends too, make him take the kids to activities, birthday parties etc

Don't micro manage the situation and don't freak out if things are done differently to how you do them - that's ok, kids can adapt and mess can be cleared up. He hasn't had as much practice parenting as you!

Good luck

No one has said that a SAHP doesn't deserve to relax on holiday because they have school aged children

Yes they did, see below.

I think in most families, the idea that the working parent should work 12 hour days and then be expected to steam vegetables and make beds on 'holiday' would be met with derision.

The working parent enables the SAHP to go on holiday in the first place, so they should be treated as such

You're getting confused because you're conflating your own situation with OP's.

Yes they did, see below

You are extrapolating. The comment is entirely focussed on the working parent.

The fact that a poster feels that a working parent shouldn't have to make beds and steam veg on holiday doesn't equal no relaxation for the SAHM.

No one should be making beds and steaming veg to the point they don't get to relax. But equally your assertion that you can't relax during the 6 hours children are at school is crazy.

Reanimated I think you're getting confused.

I didn't say SAHP can't relax during school hours, I said being a SAHP to school aged children doesn't mean you have to do all the work on holiday.

Not sure what your point is.

DarlingNikita
"maybe give the Four Yorkshiremen thing a rest"

I don't understand what you mean by Four Yorkshiremen? I've never heard of that.

Salem, maybe give the Four Yorkshiremen thing a rest! I had crap or no holidays as a child too, but that has ZERO bearing on this thread.

My thoughts too. There's always one.

4 Yorkshire men : Eeeehhh, back in my day we ad nowt, mentality Salem

Ugh, I totally hear you. My DH is a very smart man but everything is my responsibility by default unless i specifically ask him to do something. It’s infuriating.

Try googling it, Salem.

But halfwit has basically explained it.

I would brave a hotel next time and do an all inclusive. Self catering is not a holiday, no. Hotels have set times for b fast but still with a 3/4 hour window and dinner whenever so not that restrictive really. You might like it.