Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

@edishowers

Those steaming vegetables would be going somewhere very sensitive if you had that attitude as my partner.

while I ran myself ragged.

So you admit that looking after the chores and family life does run someone ragged, though?

Cooperation is what it's called edishowers.
Being thoughtful and helping each other.

@Delphiniumum

I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect a SAHM to perform all domestic duties to allow the working parent to have a holiday.

@Puffycat Haha at your straw comment!

@EmiliaAirheart 😉

Holidays = no cooking in my book or it's not a holiday.

We spent the summers at a beach house. I asked Mum once didn't she feel she hadn't had a holiday as she just did the same thing there. She reminded me that she had us pretty well 'trained' and that her 'domestic load' at the summer house was about 1/3 of normal. Pretty true. We got our own breakfasts (cold cereal) and lunches (sammies) from the time we were probably 6, and dinner was usually take away, cold collation, or BBQ (Dad was in charge of that). As we got older, Dad would give us a few dollars and have us go buy hot dogs for lunch. Mum got plenty of 'beach time' and late mornings and everyone pitched in for evening wash up. We also knew to throw our wet towels & suits over the front patio rail to dry once the beach day was over. I think the main difference between your situation and my childhood is that my dad was pretty good about pitching in a little and taking us places. He didn't do much on the domestic front (they were a traditional married in '47 couple) but he was real good at getting us out of Mum's hair with a trip to the pier, for ice cream, or surf fishing. They had a good partnership.

I think, OP, that your DH has worn you down with his 'purposeful helplessness'. He isn't going to change, after all it's worked for years. What you need to do is decide whether or not you're going to put up with it anymore. And if not, what you intend to do about it.

Just an addendum: DH and I are RVers and when the kids were little everything was split 50/50 and the kids were expected to clean up after themselves.

Now we're retired and our main domestic chore when RVing is who is going to get the fresh bottle of wine and throw out the empty one.

OP that must be SO frustrating!

I saw this great article on mother's 'mental load' which I think you should definitely have a look at and share with your DH

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-10

You said he missed the point of the first article you sent him, I think this one will make it a bit clearer for him.

The mental load is a brilliant article and raises a lot of important points. However OP, I am going to be the voice that you don’t want to hear. You are being a complete martyr and you have enabled this behaviour, but both from your DC and you DH. You can see it in your language, ‘he works long demanding hours’ – don’t make excuses for him. ‘I don’t want to stand over him and explain how to steam broccoli’ – well then let him work it out for himself. ‘DC needs supervision with the meds for various reasons’, I won’t let them make their breakfast due to the mess’, let go a little, that’s how they will learn. The way I see it you have 3 options, holiday alone, holiday with the DC and DH in a villa with staff or better prepare for life self-catering. Write a list, of what needs to happen when, this is only essential ‘DC will die if they don’t do this type shit’ set alarms on DC and DH electronic devises and then let go. Who cares if they have not eaten (apart from the medical needs) or watched 2 hours of TV. Teach your child to take their meds, for lots of reasons this is important. Let go regarding lots of fruit and veg, buy packs of pre-cut veggies or the steam fresh ones (even a child can cook these in the microwave). Give everyone a drink bottle, it’s their responsibly to stay hydrated - like they will at school/work. Tough shit of DH’s towel is wet, I am sure from his high pressure job he has to deal with worse than this. Breakfast is a help yourself affair, if you don’t want mess then go for cereal bars, fruit, yoghurt, cold meat, pre sliced cheese, bread etc. Same with snacks, fill the fridge with easy grab and go stuff, once it is gone its gone. Even use paper plates if you don’t want to do dishes ! Eat out for lunch and dinner, or get take out. When you get home, implement the same routine. Your DH is only like this because you have enabled it for 10 years . . . .no need to have a long chat about it, just implement a few new systems and processes. From his high powered demanding role, I am sure he is used to this in the workplace so it should be an easy change to manage. GOOD LUCK

Great advice from onthewrongside - Hope you enjoy the rest of your hols :)

You had kids with him! Go to restaurants, it's hardly a holiday if you spend it all cooking (or moaning)

Not the point of the thread but can the DCs snack on cruidites including broccoli instead of steaming them?

Maybe the DH can even manage to chop a bit of veg up unsupervised if none of that difficult steaming is involved?

Doctor here I can't think of any medicine that 2 hours would make a difference to, otherwise how could people fly over different time zones ? To be fair he gave you a lie in. The broccoli stuff however- unbelievable, just not engaging his brain.

The thing that strikes about your holiday is for 10 years you have booked a type of holiday you hate then spoil it for everyone by tantrumming and not speaking.
You sound stuck in a rut as much as your husband and his awful behaviour.
If you want something different YOU have to change.
I hope I am not being too harsh, I really feel for you.
But if you don’t respect yourself no one else will.

Seriously OP, get yourself on an all inclusive hotel holiday. Not everyone’s cup of tea but the kids are the perfect age for it and it will be two weeks of no cooking. There’s snacks throughout the day in case you miss a meal so you aren’t really bound to anyone else’s schedule.

Sound so crap - sorry. And I don't buy into the idea a grown man is incapable where his children are concerned. That would make me have serious respect issues.

I would do two things personally -

1. Look at different types of holidays as suggested on this thread

1. Find ways during the year to make him engage. I get he is not in during the week but how about weekends? Do you ever go away and leave him in charge? I bet if you weren't there he would figure out the broccoli pretty quickly if he cares about his children which I am sure he does. Plus pass on some responsibility to your children - at seven and eight they are capable of thinking of their own breakfast and meds (even if they then need supervision).

I went SC when kids were small. Never cooked at all. Unless it was some snack stuff/salad/ cold meat/ bread for lunch. Ate out at night.
Do people really go SC and cook?

1. Tell work you've booked a family holiday
2. Tell family you're on a work conference
3. Fuck off on your own

Try look for the positives in everything.. it’s been ten years of it so work with it don’t waste your energy no more because it is what it is.. if it’s any consolation to you the only holidays I have had are when I’m admitted to hospital and only ever has been it’s not much of a holiday but it’s something so if I were to have a holiday with wet towels left around, kids watching tv for just that little while to long not having their breakfast and a big man child that can’t cook some broccoli then bring it, I’d gladly swap places.

Well I actually love to cook on holiday - potter around farm shops, stop in at little delis and lay-bys for fresh eggs and local vegetables and cheese. Then go back and cook complicated things I never have time to do at home! But I find cooking fun and relaxing - therefore self catering is ideal for me. (DH does all washing up!)

Susanne- snack stuff/salad/ cold meat/ bread for lunch

This seriously does not work for us.
My kids have always loved their food ( slim and very active)

All that salad/snack stuff and one decent meal a day simply would not cut it for them.
Fine for adults, many kids would be hungry with this type of light food.

And it still has to be bought, taken back from a shop, washed, chopped, you eat off plates I presume- so there will still be washing up to do and crumbs to be swept up, garbage to be taken out.

No thanks.

I do no catering on holiday.

won’t let them make their breakfast due to the mess

This stood out for me as well

DS makes rice crispies - we have a rice trail from the kitchen floor up every step -

We got a dog

Hotels are the way forward

I used to hate the idea and prefer SC until I realised it wasn’t a holiday from cooking washing shopping clearing up

Kids 11 & 14 now and want activities and friends that hotels provide m

I find a quiet corner and generally don’t engage much

We then hire a car for a few days to escape as well

My DH isn’t great at shifting to helping more in the holidays - I too work PT etc

As you say, too used to justvpleasing himself

I’ve started going out one day at the weekends - either alone or with friends

You just have to absent yourself - everyone wins that way