Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

edishowers

The working parent enables the SAHP to go on holiday in the first place, so they should be treated as such.

WTAF!!

Edi, I second what Viva says.

I'll only add to: The working parent enables the SAHP to go on holiday in the first place, so they should be treated as such.

The SAHP allows the working parent to work while they look after their SHARED children.

Edi, can’t you read. She is not a SAHP ! !

@shitholiday Don’t worry about the rows. It shows you are getting through to him. Don’t back down unless you are dapper for the lack of love and respect to continue.
Go off for the morning by yourself....nice little lunch somewhere xx

Happy .... not dapper 😀

@speakout

I'm not saying the SAHP should be treated as a slave, but I do think there needs to be some acknowledgement of their privileged position, and the person who is enabling it. That can be done in a number of ways- being up early to make breakfast for the working parent, making the bed or even cleaning up after them during the holiday.

Edi, once more with feeling: OP is NOT a SAHM.

BTW, 'their privileged position, and the person who is enabling it.'

Get to fuck.

@DarlingNikita
In all fairness the working parent could just use childcare without the sahp. But the sahp wouldnt be going on holiay without the working one.

@DarlingNikita
You dont think being taken on holiday when you dont earn any money is a privilege?

That can be done in a number of ways- being up early to make breakfast for the working parent, making the bed or even cleaning up after them during the holiday.

No fucking way. Most SAHM do all that shit all year long anyway- so you suggest they never get a break?

My OH is only able to work the long hours he does, have lots of travel, overnight trips at the drop of a hat for meetings etc is because I facilitate that looking after OUR children.

@speakout

The SAHP could perhaps negotiate a few days 'off' during the holiday(as long as the working parent agrees) but apart from that, I think they should be 'on duty'.

Vogue, 'just use childcare' – well, it has to be paid for and I suspect that a SAHP costs less than using professional childcare. Plus it's not as easy as all that –often it falls to a SAHP to do ad hoc child-related tasks like picking them up from school early if they're ill, taking them to appointments etc, which are hard to do/manage when you're working, even if you can pay.

As for being taken on holiday when you dont earn any money, well, IMO a relationship is not only about who earns the money. My DP's and my work situations and earnings have varied and fluctuated over the years and still do; sometimes you could say I'm 'keeping' him or 'taking him on holiday' etc and sometimes it's the other way round. It doesn't matter and we're not keeping count: we're a team. We don't have kids but I have to assume that it's the same if you do, or even more so.

The SAHP could perhaps negotiate a few days 'off' during the holiday(as long as the working parent agrees) but apart from that, I think they should be 'on duty'.

I think you're confusing parents with employees.

Edi are you actually illiterate? OP works 30
hours a week and on top of that does everything. This is not a SAHP bashing thread. Your views are abhorrent and thankfully not shared by anyone on this thread.

OP, well done for speaking up. Though ten years was too long to let this fester and let your DH get away with this behaviour.

Hotel from now on. You can get an amazing variety at AI, my kids have never eaten better. Such a huge choice at breakfast; omelettes, fruit, pancakes, meats, cheeses. They loved choosing their own food. Never once asked for a snack as they filled up at every meal. Lunch and dinner the same. Changed my view entirely.

but apart from that, I think they should be 'on duty'.

Scurrying around in their kitten heels while fetching his pipe and newspaper I suppose.

EdiShowers I can't believe you are serious.

When our kids were young OH and I put in equal effort into family life.
His effort happened to be paid work outside the home.
We both worked as hard as each other.

I feel sorry for you if you only value people by the financial contribution they can make.

Bit goady really edi

@halfwitpicker

It's not goady. I think that SAHMs such as the OP should perform household tasks. That's simply my opinion.

Edi OP works 30 hours a week.

Edi i think the working parent should be VERY aware of their privilege position of having a partner staying at home, dealing with all the HW, meals and children whilst they can concentrate on their career.
They should be THANKFUL of having someone who is doing their washing and their ironing.
Because the reality is that their life is much easier thanks to them, even if they didn’t have any children.
And being a parent, they should be doubly thankful that there is someone there to facilitate their work.

And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that being a SAHP can be bloody hard work.

Of course none of this applies to the OP as SHE IS NOT A SAHM (she is working 30 hours a week so more than 4 days a week.....)

How is working 30hpw and doing all the housework and childcare equal to the WOOH parent working 5 days a week?

The WOOH parent needs to step up on weekends.

Even if OP was a SAHM her partner should help her on weekends.

@EdiShowers

Then you haven't read the thread properly and are just barging in with your opinion to be... GOADY. OP is not a "SAHM".

Ignore Edi. She’s responding to a different OP entirely, the one in her head which says she’s better than everyone else because she works. Your no feminist OP, you just give womrn a different set of rules from the ones men used to give us. That’s not emancipation. Emancipation means choice.

I’ve been a SAHP and worked fully time and all things in between. The SAHP role was by far the hardest work, harder than a 12 hour day. Because you nevee leave the office. You are never off duty. You have no lunch breaks. There is no reprieve, certainly not whilever there are men and women who think like you. While I was a SAHP my partner did not ‘ensblw’ Me to go on holiday. I enabled him to further his career and be entirely selfish. I am now reaping the drawbacks of that personal selflessness now.

Perhaps Edi you are so defensive because of your own insecurities. Whatever it is, it’s your issue rather than anyone else’s, least of all the SAHP.

By the way - did you see I work almost full time? Conversation involves listening as well as talking.

You’re - beach typing failure.

And I meant ‘you’re no feminist EDI’ Jesus!

Edi

I would agree with you to an extent if the OP was a SAHM to school aged DC. But she's not.