Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

The first relaxing holiday I had post children was via Scott dunn - they are expensive but very much worth it.

And definitely train the 7 year old re medication.

Self catering isn't a holiday just a change of scene and often in somewhere not as nice as your own house.

The issue isn't the holiday, to me it sounds like this just simply highlights how utterly useless he is. Not being able to boil broccoli, not being capable of doing something meaningful with your dc rather than putting the TV for two hours is clearly annoying.

Everything he says he can't do, just tell him to google it/youtube it. Do not stand there showing a grown man to boil veg!

So don't participate. Just ignore his pleas of ignorance and beyond your child's medication which will always need to be checked. Just leave him to it, and keep leaving him to it.

Catered holidays will help, but won't solve the lazy streak that runs through your dh and his learned helplessness.

Two things for you to read OP, and your husband. A book called "Wifework" Wifework www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0747561729 and an article called "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/ and both are about what other people have been talking about, the mental load of running a family and how one partner (not always but mostly male because patriarchy and societal conditioning) doesn't see it, and the friction that causes.

@halfwitpicker
I‘m like this 😁 every time I think about it, can’t wait!

Self catering is not a real holiday it’s just doing the same day to day things in a different location.
If you are going to contusion self catering holidays then plan to eat out each night. Breakfast can be a help yourself affair and you can set a timer on a watch for your dcs medication. Then for lunch either eat out or do pizza/sandwiches or picnic if you’re going out.
Things will never change with your dh. You need to accept this and plan future holidays accordingly.

Just a word about hotels /resorts and children.

If like me you are a loner, I can imaging the idea of a communal pool with other kids and people plating about may seem hell.

However if like my kids yours are the type to enjoy meeting other children, then this can be a life saver on holiday.
My kids have usually always hooked up with other children and formed little mini friendships- it takes a big pressure off the parents having to play court jester and entertainer with our kids.

And while we go on holiday to spend time as a family- we don't use kids clubs for instance- it can be nice to have children playing with their own new friends for an hour or two - within eyeshot and earshot.

I notice other parents are often keen to help these holiday friendships happen too.
And it won't happen if you are in a secluded villa- and yo will be the one to play on the lilo, run around with a football, play with Barbie dolls in the toddler pool.

I’m another one where you can’t expect a different outcome from the same thing. Your DH is not going to magically turn into a steam broccoli new man. Like ever.

You sound like you are both set in your ways. You’ve become a martyr and he’s lazy.

On holiday I put bowls of the kids breakfast out the night before on the covered with a saucer. They know where the milk is.

Just eat out or order in every single night. Enforced relaxation for you.

If you are the organizer, I’d just accept that but use it to your advantage, make sure you get a full day off even if it using a high quality kids club

Chores, try and get the kids to lead on these. They will need reminding, but they can get out their own towels, tidy their room, do stuff. Then they can shame their Dad into doing his!

yes he should do more but in reality if he doesn't help at home why would you expect him to change on holiday?? I think you should start expecting more from him at home or suck it up and go to a hotel. Personally I would do the hotel or failing that eat out more often, have easy stuff and stress less about the balanced diet on hols.

OK. You know you aren't unreasonable re the meds.
Otherwise; your family's expectations of a holiday is a no-timetabled escape, hence the villa holiday on your own. Your DH doesn't do this stuff normally so isn't able to pick up the difference between 'having a relaxing no-timetabled holiday' and 'forgetting to make sure child gets meds'.

My experience of successful relaxed family holidays (5 kids) involves a significant amount of advance planning so that once you are there you have timetabled stuff and also timetabled lack of stuff. Write it down: inform all those who need to be informed where the giant list is; step away. make sure the timetable includes periods where each adult is not on duty, and periods where they are. If your DH is a bit dippy, allocate him the barbecue, bagged salad and beer hours, and yourself the banana and meds hours. Plan in advance so that once you are on holiday you can check the list and then chill if it isn't 'your watch' knowing that the instructions are in place.
I love broccoli but if it's too much for your DH stick salad in instead. You love him; he's a good chap overall, just a bit hapless, so give him the info he needs to do what needs to be done and relax about the rest.
I completely understand why you are frustrated and this is no holiday for you, but it's only mental load if you keep it in your own head....share.

Next year, stay at home.

Or book a lovely solo holiday somewhere nice and hot like Mustique. .if you go ha,f board you don't have to acquiesce to their schedule and menu quite so much, and you would have the freedom to eat out.

Not necessarili Mustique, obviously but if dh earns a lot then you deserve somewhere seriously exclusive to make up for 10years of shit holidays.

Apartment within a hotel complex might be the way to go ?

You need to spell it out to your DH - yes, it's rubbish that you need to but write out a list if need be! No excuses for him then.

May half term week is a great week for a holiday. Not crowded and better value than July/August! HB at a luxury resort is affordable with interconnecting rooms or a 2 bedroom suite. (You go out for lunch wherever you are). It worked for us when the DC were young. Yes, it'll still be more expensive than SC but you'll have far less work to do. We've stayed at places which are totally out of our budget were we to go in the summer.

Get him to set daily alarms on his phone for the times of meds/meals etc. He's not used to having to think about this stuff, plus he sounds fairly clueless anyway, so you're being unreasonable expecting him to suddenly become a useful person because you're away.

You need to relax a bit though. Stop worrying about wet beach towels and too much tv. If a banana will do instead of broccoli then why fret over the green stuff?

And definitely book a hotel next year. The kids will enjoy it - much better to be playing around in a pool or with other kids than stuck in watching tv - the pressure will be off from cooking, and you may even enjoy it.

I'm sorry, but you must've known what he was like before you married him, had kids and went in holidays for 10 years with him?

Has he always been so useless?

The meds and broccoli problems would still be there whether you stay at home or on holiday. If your dh isn’t usually around to give meds I can see how he’d forget on holiday. If your going to have a lie in get him to set an alarm on his phone the night before but at 7 I’d expect your child to be able to at least prompt him even if they can’t medicate themselves.

If his towel is unwashed and wet, leave it until he needs it. He won’t do it again!

Also YABU not to like hotels and moaning about the cooking. Go to a resort or eat out.

Self catering with kids and a lazy husband is no holiday.

I used to feel like you about hotels but we did an AI type last year and it was the best holiday ever. No cooking or cleaning. Everyone was happy. I'd rethink the hotels if I were you. You can get 2 bed rooms in some in a villa style. You just don't cook or clean!

Leave dh with children next year and have a weekend away on your own.
Or book a hotel resort. Children will be a year older by then and it’s nice for a week or two break from cooking/ chores.

If he's not got any responsibility at home then he's not going to magically become a decent dad on holiday.

Everything takes practice, even broccoli steaming.

Why are you doing all the work on weekends as well?

FFS - I get not reading the whole thread, but at least read the OP's comments before adding shit about only cutting a few bits of salad on self-catering holiday and how she's doing it all wrong - she's got a child with a bowel condition that requires proper food. A fucking bit of fruit wouldn't be enough.

OP - the bit about being on 'someone else's schedule' on a hotel holiday - have you looked into them? The last All Inclusive we went on served breakfast from 7am - 10am, buffet style. Then lunch from 12noon - 2pm, dinner from 7pm - 11pm all in the main restaurant. In between, there was a cafe serving burgers, hotdogs, pizzas, salad, sandwiches and cake or icecream from 11am - 7pm. You could go back and have 6 meals if you wanted.

There was a kids club, but niether DC went in it. There was evening entertainment and a Disco, but it was far enough away from our rooms that we couldn't hear it and were under no pressure to join in.

It's up to you to carry on having a holiday that doesn't suit you. It's up to you to not talk to your DH before the holiday is booked to explain exactly why you struggle with this style of holiday. Self catering holiday with you doing all the work suits your DH and your DCs.

This is all fixable, but at the point you are having the row on holiday, you've left it too late again this year.

oh yes and our 'family room' on the AI holiday last year was effectively 2 interconnecting rooms with a shared bathroom. Big enough for us all to spread out.

Have your heard of COOK. They deliver ready made yummy food. Could be a compromise.....

CoffeeOrSleep this sounds like my AI experience too.

Rather than "being tied" to meal times we have found AI very flexible- pretty much food whenever you need it, and poolside snacks, sandwiches, kebabs, ice cream.
So two family members can go in for a sit down hot lunch, or you can take salad and sandwich stuff back to your room, your sun lounger, the hotel gardens.
It's actually more like being home rather than a " lets go out for lunch".
Yes you can sit and have a nice more formal meal- or dare I say it- even leave the hotel for a meal!
AI is perfect for kids who are sometimes too excited by activities to stop and eat, there are opportunities to graze.

And no the few bits of salad on a plate would not satisfy my hungry bunch.
DD especially loves a big cooked breakfast- then we can take up hot bacon and bread to the boys if they are sleeping longer.

It's all the traipsing to the supermarket to buy water, soft drinks, beer etc.
Heaving heavy stuff back to the apartment is not my idea of a holiday.