Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

Absolutely!! There was a thread on here just the other day complaining about the chef at their greek villa making food that was too boring and plain for the OP

I would aim to train him better at weekends/when he is around for the rest of the year. If he had to do it at weekends then it would allow you to be able to relax on holiday in the knowledge that he is more than capable. Too late for this year but agree a list (even if you shouldn't have to) would hopefully help for tomorrow morning. Hope you can enjoy the rest of the holiday.

There was a thread about a woman that didn't like the food made for her on holiday.

Hmmm.
A lack of communication and of verbalising expectations seems to be the biggest issues here. You know what each other doesn’t want- but not what you DO want nor how to go about it.
The positives of your husband is that he is a hard working man who presumably is providing for your family and this holiday. But the downsides are that he misses out on the detail of how your family life runs and what needs done and when. You seem like a super organised and also hard working person too- but your work is mainly in the family home and you got your other work round that, yes?
So neither of you can expect to change your roles so drastically on holiday without any preparation? It seems obvious to you what needs to be done and when, but he isn’t around for that so it’s not to him.
When booking a holiday you should have both discussed what you want from your break and how best to achieve it. If rest is important then you may need to suck up the dislike of hotels or look at complexes with apartments but half board facilities.

Don’t make the same mistake with your kids of doing it all though- unless the impairment is a mental one, your child of 7/8 should be capable of taking medication or at least asking about it. Set reminders on any iPod/mobile devices for things they can do themselves.
Try to salvage your holiday by writing a few lists but also letting go a little- eg 2 hours of tv isn’t that bad.

I think you're probably right, Viva and that's the case with a large proportion of men. But these are the same men who retire and find that their wife and children have essentially lived quite happily without them and that they don't fit in to their own family.

OP is this what you wanted for your life? Someone who isn't really a partner to you?

If your DH is a decent person this can all be turned around but he needs to realise that in order to have a family (and that means genuinely have one, not just turn up to it now and again) he has to actually participate, on an ongoing basis. Showing his face now and again and basically being useless just isn't good enough.

wizzywig Tue 29-May-18 15:43:26

Go away without your husband. That way you are looking after your actual kids.

Hell no, @shitholiday2018, send him away with the kids and stay home and relax. I fantasise about doing that. LOL! And my DH isn't as lazy as yours.

We always self cater and rarely cook unless it's something simple like a stir fry or chicken & salad. We do takeaways, eating out or stuff like cold meat, french bread etc.

We also don't wash anything unless it's absolutely essential. Just hang beach towels up to dry out when you get in.

I wouldn't worry about 2 hours of TV in the morning - they're on holiday.

But yes, you can get villas that are run like a hotel. Cleaning staff daily, a chef, etc. Sounds like it would be your perfect solution.

However reasonable your point, "tantrumming" will not get you listened to seriously. You need a calm and measured conversation with your H at the time you book the holiday that you no longer wish to continue with current arrangements.

Self catering where we eat out a minimum of once daily, sometimes twice, works for us - I'll shop for bread/salami/cheese/salad etc and then everyone from the age of 7 up can graze on that when they fancy so I'm not actually cooking a meal. Some Villas have midweek housekeeping for not much extra as well.

I have friends who always insisted they hated hotels. They went to a good AI last year and are totally converted. Particularly the wife who always ended up doing all the cooking/cleaning etc in the self catering villas...

You see there's a trade off.

We are going AI to villa with little lodges spaced out a bit like centre parcs

You can dine whenever and take alcohol back to the lodge

Each lodge has its own decking and sun lingers

Kids can find other kids to play in the pool.

I don't understand why you have to be on a schedule to get up / eat at a hotel?

Just get up when you want. Pop out for breakfast and / or dinner if their restaurants are closed / not to your taste/ Most hotels have a snack / running lunch thing going on.

Just back from a lovely city break. Stayed in a hotel. Got up late when we wanted and only ate lunch by the pool one day.

Your husband being an arsehole os a different issue from hotels

isadora I disagree.
The fact the OP is working part time and taken the role of the main care for the dcs doesnt mean she also has taken on the role of being the skivvy for everyone.
There is no reason at all why he doesnt step up at least at weekends. There is no reason why he isn’t involved with his dcs medications and their eating as it is so essential to their health and wellbeing. Even if he can’t go to the visits to hosp and GP.

Re just having takeaways. I suspect this wouldn’t work for the OP if she has a child that needs to eat Vegs and fruits regularly to stay well.

Honestly, go all inclusive! It’s so much easier! We had access to food from 7am to 9.30pm we weren’t restricted to times.

So much easier, no supermarket runs, no washing up, no whinging for drinks, a kids pool and a kids club if needed!

Still had access to trips and days out. It was marvellous!!

Just learn from this and don't do it again. After another sc holiday in the galley kitchen i came to my senses.

Now we rent an apartment/cabin/villa. Have help yourself breakfast, either picnic lunch (cheese/meat/bread/salad) or snack from pool bar/cafe and budget to eat out every night.

I dont mind cutting up some carrot, pepper, cucumber but Im NOT cooking.

Enjoy

Aparthotels are your answer.

The first holiday I took after my eldest was born was SC and I swore never again. And 14 years later I haven't. It's a busmans holiday.

What is it you don't like about hotels? Most have lengthy breakfast and dinner services, to accommodate all but the most unusual of schedules and gaps can usually be plugged by other establishments.

I do sympathise but I do also think you sound like you don't even know how to relax on holiday

Exhibit A - We never do two hours of telly before brek. But you are on holiday so the normal rules don't apply!

re DC having to eat before meds, you said yourself they can just have a banana, which surely they could manage themselves? Bloody annoying that DP didn't do the meds. He deserves an utter bollocking for that.

Obviously we don't know where you are but I stayed in a lovely villa in Menorca when my DC were little. There was a hotel that it was attached to that you could go to for meals. Also numerous little bars, cafes and restaurants.

You seem to be in a rut of thinking it's a straight choice between SC which obviously is not working (wouldn't for me either!) or a hideously busy hotel with strict time regs. There is a grey area.

WHy don't you post on the holiday topic to get some ideas for next trip? It might make you feel a bit better about this year, knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel.

For this year - Don't sweat the small stuff like DH towel/kids watching too much TV. Not your problem/doesn't matter in grand scheme of things.

I hope you have a lovely remainder of holiday.

You married a man who has no interest in looking after his family day-to-day and no thought for helping you relax. It doesn't help that you run the house at home so he's never needed to help. For me, it's not just laziness and a lack of common sense. It's no respect for you.

But you know he's like this and you've chosen to go away self-catered again. Don't ruin your DC's holiday by shouting and kicking off.

When you're home, re-think your relationship with your DH and rethink future holidays.

Sound a horrible holiday.

With kids it's all inclusive or nothing.

Small family run hotels with villa style accommodation.

Usually food pretty much round the clock during the day, and packed lunches if ordered can be picked up from reception.

I would not go on a self catering holiday.

It's my holiday too.

You want a hotel resort. You don't have to go to a "Butlins in the sun" type with people making you join in and talk to you. Being antisocial is fine.

If you insist on self catering, you need to sit your DH down before the holiday and explain that having to do all the thinking and planning ruins your holiday every single year, and this year you'd like to not have a fight, can he take on board that x y and z needs to happen each morning. That after a day on the beach, a b c needs to be done.

But I would agree, doing the same thing every year then being surprised your DH hasn't turned into a less selfish man who's a great parent when overseas, when he's a selfish mediocre parent at home, and every year he proves that putting him on a plane doesn't change him- is total madness on your behalf.

This is who he is and he doesn't care enough to change. Stop doing the exact same stuff every single year, and being surprised it's exactly the same every single year.

We don’t have the budget for AI or fancy villas and most hotel set ups are for 2 adults and 2 kids only so SC is our best option price wise with 3 kids

However we either eat out/takeaway or cook something simple like a bbq and salad, or if in the uk a M&S meal deal or pizzas or something.

Breakfast is easy and we prefer eating our pjs and then getting showered to go out, we can then either make a quick picnic or eat out for lunch

No YANBU and poor you! I've had same on caravan holidays ....crawling around in a hovel like a bloody holiday slave making sure everybody else has a great time....commuting between Tesco and caravan buying and prepping food. DH once dumped a bucket of ungutted mackerel he'd caught in the sink and said could he have it for breakfast?! ...went berserk.
You've got to agree upfront on a week's self catering that you cook for 3 nights and eat out (fish & chips, pub etc) for 4 nights. Also many lunches out and ideally a cooked breakfast or two .....otherwise it's no break for poor mum who still has all the bloody laundry to sort once home. Reset the ground rules, or say never again!

We went self catering last year and the most complicated thing I did was cut up fruit for the toddler! Lots of fresh fruit for breakfast, yoghurt, toast. Lunch of salad, bread and cheese or ham, tuna, dips etc more fruit, or cafe if we were out, always out for dinner.
The bigger problem is your DH having no clue how to parent, my DH isn’t perfect and sometimes doesn’t do things the most efficient or helpful way but he’d be genuinely embarrassed if he couldn’t take care of his own child for a few days - he doesn’t have much choice as I go away for work. No idea how you address it and get out of the rut you are in though.

We are going to a villa in turkey this year that has a made and you can pay extra for them to prepare meals for you.