Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

Lots of other people have said helpful things about staying in aparthotels - we would never go AI - DH likes variety in eating out, I do too but main priority is not cooking. We eat out most meals or order in takeaway/ cook something very simple.

Ideally your DH would realise off his own bat that his DCs need feeding and DD needs her meds but in your case I’d try to calm myself enough to have a sensible conversation where you tell him what needs to happen in the mornings- or at least the key bits of breakfast and medication.
The towel thing is an odd one. He has clearly forgotten so why not just say “Oi DH you need to empty out the towels from your bag”. Annoying that you have to tell him , but less mind space taken up than with fretting about it all day.

You need to relax more, and he needs to relax less!

If you do srlf-catering, have meals delivered/eat out/eat beans on toast

No steaming broccoli, bring fruit basket

Totally agree with the mental load comment. My marriage is rather like this (but then I'm a sahm, so to some extent i accept this as my job and DH appreciates that it IS a job, but I know that's not everyone's POV) and I have exactly the same struggle between hotels and self-catering. I have also been musing about doing something different. I think there needs to be a little bit of give in several directions.

1. yes, your DH is being an idiot. He needs to step up much more and engage his brain.
2. I think an apart-hotel might really be worth a go.
3. my 7 year old could definitely at least be in charge of reminding an adult that she needs her meds.
4. 2 hours of Telly on a holiday morning? Sounds fine to me.
5. writing lists of stuff is frustrating but there's a lot to remember! If you write it together maybe he can come up with some ways to reduce the load, eg. Can someone pick up croissants for breakfast the day before? We always do this and I find if very luxurious and effortless.

We have self catered for past 20+ years and eat out for every meal, which part of the holiday. Do this

Seniorcitizen1 you eat out 3 times a day on holiday?

I don' think my kids would have enjoyed that.

Really speakout ? My kids loved eating out all the time on holiday and still do. It's a major part of the experience, eating new things (SN and allergies excepted of course)

We prefer the AI because the kids have a choice of meals - rather than have to get them to agree on a particular type of food

Much simpler

No not at a younger age.

They spent their days is swimwear and towels, Being dragged away to eat out three times a day would have been tedious for them.

And my children have always enjoyed eating out- but having to do that three times a day for two weeks would become a chore.
Even well behaved children get bored in restaurants if service is slow.

Buffet style eating in AI was a winner with small children- especially as they could get involved themselves- it was great fun for them having independence to help themselves and choose their own food.

I think I would be considering:

1. Can 7 year old be “trained up” for next year re food and meds?
2. Food wise, can both kids be trained up re breakfast?
3. Can you do e.g. decent ready meals but with loads of salad and fruit (bought prepared?) so that there’s no cooking involved?

Obviously this still involves mental load and wifework. It’s not ideal. But it might be doable.

Ideally these Scott Dunn places sound amazing! But also Mega expensive so can see it may not be possible.

I much prefer self-catering to hotels too, and if your DC need to eat lots of veg etc. due to a bowel condition then I think eating out every meal is going to cause problems.

At the end of the day you can try lots of things to avoid the issue that your DH is thoughtless and expects you to do everything. Even AI requires input from both parents, the medication would still be a problem, the towels would still be a problem, the mental load will still be on you, it still wouldnt be a holiday because you still woudltn be able to switch off. Does your dh acknowledge what a lazy twat he's being? I think going AI is like putting a plaster on it, it just covers it but doesn't sort it.

I used to just wrap them in a towel and hit the nearest beach cafe where there were plenty of other small children similarly clad!

Where is that green tulips it sounds heavenly (hoping you’re not going to say Greece as likely too hot for me)

7 and 8 year olds should not have to be trained up to parent themselves because their dad is too lazy and selfish to apply his brain and any effort. Honestly do you really want to live with this person for the rest of your life?

All the AIs we've been on have included beach/pool towels, one each per day if you like changing them.

You need a proper holiday. In a hotel you can ignore the timetables for meals if you do not want them, but how great it would be for you to have someone else do all the chores - treat yourself, a (good) hotel is what's needed! I would write a prescription if I could.

Hotels have changed over the years, and so breakfast is often over a wider time range than used to be the case. So I think you ought to try a hotel again, or an aparthotel.

I think you need to think about how to make this holiday better for yourself, no matter what you decide to do next year. Part of the issue seems to be that you have different expectations about the holidays, but right now you need to try and get back on the same page...

I’m assuming here you love him. It’s easy to get wrought up and think it’s always awful, he never pulls his weight... take some time to reflect on if this is really true, or if it’s just you expected it would be better this year. For instance when I first read your post I thought how great you got a lie in!

Show him the onion article and see what he thinks. What does he think needs to be done on holiday, what’s essential (eg meds)? Do you agree? How can you plan for things to be more relaxing?

I think you’re possibly taking up more responsibility because that’s what you do at home and so creating a rod for your own back, iyswim. If you’re worried he won’t steam broccoli properly you’re creating an unnecessary mental load. It may be he’s nervous about doing things because he gets told off for not doing it properly and that’s why he checks in an annoying way. His towel is not your responsibility except that you might, if you notice it, remind him to hang it out. As you would for a friend. So his towel is damp if he forgets —perfect teachable moment!

I’m not sure what you’ve described is evidence he’s lazy, but it’s certainly evidence that you need to let go a little and let him (and the children where appropriate) do stuff for you.

He's successful in a stressful role at work? Start there.

Ask how he manages to remember stuff? He makes lists at work = he makes lists at home. Phone reminders at work = phone reminders at home etc

What does he do at work if he's unsure? If he googles employment law at work then he googles steaming brocolli at home

Make sure the 7 year old is aware of the side effects of not taking meds and knows to remind dad if necessary

Hi again, we went out for dinner, hence radio silence! Nice.

Has he always been shit? Yes. He is a kind gentle soul but really quite naturally thoughtless. For months after I’d moved in we’d have dinner had get just get himself a drink. He’s never ‘got’ the things that piss me off, because he doesn’t get that I then have to do them. He’s in his own world and cannot appreciate that what wouldn’t bother him can bother someone else. I always sort the kids out because he is ineffectual and I don’t see why they should suffer his disorganisation - they can and do help, they are not waited on at all, but I wish for once it was him Telling them to clear the table, set the table, wipe their faces, do their teeth, or more importantly, take their meds.

I have forwarded him the glass by the sink article by email. I really hope it sends a message. We argue very little about very little but definitely at least annually about this, I always say that I’m ok (and I am) but I don’t feel treasured, valued, looked after. I do not present as needy at all so he assumes I’m cool. After ten years you would think he’d predict the arguments as they stem from exactly the same stuff and are verbatim, year on year, but it seems he is that emotionally stupid. Genuinely.

I don’t get how he doesn’t want to look after me, make sure I’m ok, treat me (non financially i mean, with a cuP of coffee or a meal being cooked or for once in his life taking responsibility for the kids and letting me just breathe. For once. He’s not a horrid person, he just has a massive chip missing and I cannot understand why or how. Especial,y because I have told him all this at least 100 times.

He never knew how to strap the kids into their car seats or how to put the car seats in the car. Ever. It was just bizarre to me, he loves them beyond all measure and yet couldn’t be arsed to learn how to keep them safe in the car. It’s baffling really.

It sounds dramatic. Day to day it’s cool. Every so often I just wish he gave more of a shit about whether I’m happy.

OP did the email - send him your last post

Green, I have told him this on numerous occasions. He is a mixture of mortified and entirely bemused. He promises to try. And then nothing happens. Rinse and repeat. I’m so bored of it.

Your last post is pretty bad.

he’s “naturally thoughtless”, that’s a rather airy fairy way of putting it, I’d have gone with “selfish twat” myself.

You’re wrong, he is a horrid person, he doesn’t give one shit about you or the children, I think you’re slowly beginning to realise that and here’s where the resentment starts to build up. In another 5 or so years he’ll have killed off most of the love you have for him.

I’m probably way off here as by no means an expert but could have aspergers?

Mini he hasn’t got Asperger, he’s just got away with being selfish his entire life.

He got the article. Came and asked whether I was sending him a message (about divorce). I started to explain And then just gave up. I can’t even bear to have the same conversation again. I just haven’t got the words. No new words anyway. He’s gone off to sleep in the spare room.

He totally missed the point of the article.