Aibu to think it’s not a holiday for me?

[shitholiday2018]

We are very lucky. We are away. We self cater as hate hotels and having to be on someone else’s timescales for being up, meals etc.

Every single year I fucking hate it. It’s no holiday for me. I forget in between but I end up doing all the shit still despite being in of two parents. My husband is not unkind but impractical and, frankly, utterly thoughtless. I had a lie in today and awoke to find the kids had just watched tv for two hours. No breakfast. No essential medicine for one of them. Couldn’t see why I was pissed off. Wet towels from his beach bag still in there from yesterday, unwashed. He has to be told to do every minor thing. It’s exhausting and I’ve had enough.

This happens literally every year. I have a tantrum a day or two in and it gets vaguely better. I’m bored of tantrumming, I’m upset and tired of it all. He said today he couldn’t steam broccoli despite there being pans and a microwave and I literally went into shut down. He is extremely bright and does a high pressure job but can’t work out how cook his kids some veg.

I just can’t talk to him because I’m all out of words. This is ten years of holidays and I’m done explaining why it’s not a holiday for me. I’m done giving the same explanations about meds, skin conditions, bed wetting arrangements, how to cook fucking broccoli etc for the millionth time. I’m fed up with being the only parent here. I work too but assume all th childcare resps usually as I do part time and lower pressure. I don’t mind this (genuinely) but think it’s makes him utterly lazy and thoughtless - because in everyday life he never has to think about anyone but himself.

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well. I am self sufficient but sometimes it becomes very clear that there is no one ever doing that for me and I’m bloody fed up of it. My kids aren’t old enough to be responsible, they are completely blameless in this.

I don’t need solutions as there are none. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in being utterly fucked off and essentially ignoring him.

Train the 7yr old to take their meds on time, or to find a responsible adult to dish out the dosage. Maybe a digital watch could be the next birthday present so you can set alarms?

If I had to go away for work/weekend when my kids were small and DH was in sole charge I set out a timetable down to the minute as to when breakfast needed to be on board, when milk was taken, nappies changed etc. If you don't do this stuff every day you can be oblivious to time slipping past particularly if they are a bit older and not shouting for your attention. It might be a start on this holiday to set out a daily planner with some of the essentials in there as a prompt. I know he shouldn't need to be spoonfed this stuff but sometimes needs must.

Yes you can get catered villas or just book your own cook or food service to come in.
Lot of alpine chalets off the fully catered experience in the summer too but much quieter locally. No beaches though.
www.vip-chalets.com/resorts/summer-alps

You said it makes no sense to divide things on a day to day basis, but the sense is that I’m weejebds and on holidays he can take over and give you a bit of a break. Rather than refusing to go on holiday, I’d be preparing a schedule of what needs done when (so that you’re both on the same page) and making sure you at least split weekend days between you. If he only ever needs to cover the kids while you’re on holiday he’s not going to know what needs done and when without reminding. I’m not saying that’s ok, but if you usually cover it, he doesn’t need to.

On holiday, I’d be clear about my expectations of a break, be that lie ins, eating out etc. If towels don’t get dried, they’re wet when people need them. If the kids watch tv all day, he deals with them when they’re overstimulated and overtired through lack of exercise.

In saying that, part of my DH carrying an equal split is accepting that he won’t necessarily do things the way I would like or in my timing - so figure out what’s absolutely essential (eg medication) and don’t sweat the other stuff, but let him pick up the pieces.

I think this comes back down to "mental load". It's not so much that breakfast was late, and there was too much screentime, and meds missed, as OP had to be the one to REMEMBER that all this needed to be done and had to check to find that no, they hadn't.

The reason that a holiday with small children isn't a holiday is that the mental load comes with you and stays firmly stuck to you while everyone else lays around the pool.
I never achieved getting that monkey off my back completely, but I engineered our villa holidays so that the very first thing we did was a supermarket trip, where everyone was involved with food purchases, meal planning, snack availability etc. This meant that just as I was settling down with a glass of wine and the first murmurings of "I'm hungry" started, everyone was aware what was there and perfectly able to service themselves. When the children were small this meant leaving bowls of prepared fruit, chopped chicken, etc in the fridge, but it also meant that it wasn't just MY problem when all eyes swivelled to me. One holiday the hot water was courtesy of an immersion heater that had to be turned on 4 times a day. Our 10 year old DS became "immersion boy" and did a sterling job for the full week (and still gets called immersion boy occasionally to this day!).

Put your DH in charge of pre -10am, with a checklist if necessary, and sleep peacefully.

Honestly I couldn't stay with someone like this who obviously sees it as your responsibility to look after the kids at all time.

Go all inclusive but make sure the accommodation has a kitchen. Then you get the best of both worlds.

If you have a decent budget (or can agree to save up and only go once every couple/three/four years) then have a look at the Scott Dunn villas. Gorgeous villas that come with a nanny, chef and ‘host’. Have only done it once but it was utter bliss. No cooking (and restaurant standard food as and when you want it - you tell them when you want to eat) help with the kids from the nanny and the host organises things for you, like picking you up from the airport and making your perfect sun-downer drink which magically appears just as you like it, just when you want it each evening. Heaven!!

Sorry it’s worth saying too that medical condition for one child is a bowel one and she needs loads of fruit and veg. Otherwise I wouldn’t be near broccoli on hols.

This makes more sense why you are annoyed.
If it’s important for a medical condition. He should be more switched on.

You don’t have to be on someone else’s schedule in a hotel you can eat out or have fruit , croissants in a hotel. Wetherspoons do breakfasts until later than hotels.

I would give him Saturday or Sunday, his choice. And every week one day a week he needs to make sure the kids eat breakfast , get meds, and he does a load of washing, cleans up breakfast and cooks dinner. As a bare minimum. But really I wouldn’t tolerate the idea my children’s father is completely unable to look after them, I don’t see the point of having him there really.

I mean, my 2, 4 & 7 yr olds would never wait that long for breakfast, didn't they ask for food? mine would probably have gotten their own making a huge mess in to the bargain.

Tell him he a lazy git and your not putting up with it any longer either he pulls his wait or you stop running after him like hes one of the kids too, if he doesn't wash his own towel well he'll have a wet towel, just you tend to the kids!

But really I wouldn’t tolerate the idea my children’s father is completely unable to look after them, I don’t see the point of having him there really.

This. Most of it is shite and the medication thing is even worse. It's plain shocking and irresponsible. Don't take this the wrong way, OP, but what if you went under a bus? What does he imagine would happen?

People snitting about how you should stay in a hotel and life is too short for cooking etc on holiday are missing the point. He is failing as a parent.

You need a serious conversation about his behaviour, and now, while it's fresh in your minds, rather than letting you both forget in between holidays.

The person who said mental load has just put a title on everything I’ve felt for years. It’s so true. If I have to show a 40 year old how to fucking steam broccoli then I’d genuinely rather do it my bloody self. Band he gets away with being utter shit because I take over then or I’d explode. Mental load is just how I feel. And resentful.

The kids don’t know. I wouldn’t argue in front of them. He can tell but they are blissfully oblivious.

I’m googling Scott Dunn now- thank you!!!

And thanks for all the comments. I’m reading and absorbing them all.

I feel sorry for you OP, your essentially a single parent with him just hanging around every now and then, perhaps he needs a reality check to get him to invest in his family.

Have you ever actually told him exactly how this makes you feel?

Because if you have im guessing it means he doesn't care?

My ex used to be like this, when we were at home he was great, would do house work, fed kids etc.. as soon as we were on holiday he would decide to do fuck all whilst I ran around doing everything, after a day or two it would end in me being angry and tired. I had to do all I did at home plus his share, he had forgotten it was my holiday too. I stopped taking him on holiday and started taking the dc’s on my own, then two years later I ditched him altogether. Holidays with out him are less stressful, feels like I have one less child to look after 🤣

And he had two towels - his and one kiddy one. Couldn’t caRe less if his is wet due to his own inaction.

AI /half board or just stay home. And lower your standards, he obviously has!

More hard work than what its worth is SC.

So sick of hearing about these men who are 'so intelligent' but can't boil a fucking egg. They're lazy, that's what.

We‘ve never done all inclusive hotels and never will.

We either book ‚normal’ hotels for stopping over on a journey or self catered holiday homes and eat out.

In the past we have done campsites, but a) good ones are almost as expensive as hotels and b) my back is wrecked and I can‘t do it anymore. We used to love it, went to Cornwall, Greece, France.

Your husband needs a shake.

I started going on holiday on my own last year, at first my DH was offended, because he would never do that and can‘t understand why I‘d want to.
I think a week just being me without being talked at constantly and tending to no one and just doing what I want is absolutely essential for my mental health.
Currently planning a week walking the Coast Path in Cornwall in July - on my own. DH and the youngest child will be doing a hobby related tour during 4 of these days, DS is away on holiday on his own, DD1 is dogsitting and housesitting.

I had this with my ex Husband(one of the reasons he is my ex husband)with the food can you afford to buy in nice ready meals,M&S/Waitrose and ready prepared fresh veg and fruit,that would take some of hum drum out of cooking every day and tell your Husband if he can read fucking instructions at work he can fucking read the back of a ready meal for cooking instructions.

I'd also be very tempted to show him this thread just so he can see how truely useless he is being.

Put your DH in charge of pre -10am, with a checklist if necessary,

^

This is a good idea, but he's their father, he should not need a checklist!

Would he leave his wife a checklist whilst he slept? Thought not.

I have a solution for you.

Next year go on holiday for a week on your own. He stays at home with instructions on how to care for the kids.

After a week on his own (with your phone off) learning how his children work, he may actually get his arse into gear and start parenting.

Then you can all go on holiday together where you can share the job of parenting together.

If you can't afford to go away on your own, then I can offer you DD1's room while she's at uni. We live near the coast and it's very quiet here!

Currently planning a week walking the Coast Path in Cornwall in July - on my own.
^
Sounds frigging great

OP we had never done any kind of catered holiday until we went skiing a few years ago.
Breakfast and dinner in the hotel and ate lunch out every day.

We have 5 kids.

But omg, I will never look back. It was amazing. I came back so rested, realising I had not planned/ prepared or cleared away after a meal for a whole week lol. Some kind of catering is essential to a holiday. Otherwise it is not a holiday.

It's just doing the same crap in a usually smaller, less well equipped , warmer place .

Please try some form of catered holiday, I don't think you will regret it.

That said , I don't understand why you are responsible for everything. 7 and 8 is perfectly old enough to get breakfast, contribute to all chores etc. Al chores divided here. Otherwise they grow up thinking a woman is responsible for everything !!

for you OP. Its a tough lose/lose situation for you.

Share this with your useless fucking husband - it nails it down to the wet towels hes too pathetic to deal with. I'm pretty sure he's clever enough to "get it" but he won't want to:

theearlyhour.com/2018/01/04/you-shouldve-asked-mental-load/

I always make sure everyone eats enough, drinks enough, medical conditions sorted, clothes clean, done enough exercise, de-stressed etc. I like making sure everyone is happy and well.
I think that's the problem. You are trying to hard. Holidays are exactly that, a break from doing everything to perfection and releasing some pressure from it all.

Is your child really going to end up with serious problems if they take their medicine a bit later for one week? They were clearly not starving or at 7 and 8, they would have asked their dad for food. They were watching TV, so what, maybe that's what they want to do first thing in the morning.

You say you want to make everyone happy, but it sounds like you are doing exactly the opposite, including making yourself very unhappy. Let it go and relax. So your OH has a dirty towel, his problem, maybe he doesn't care. No broccoli, oh well, they can have cereals for fibre.

Maybe next year, your OH can take your kids on his own, they get to enjoy it without constant pressure, whilst you stay at home and get a break from all the worries.

Of course he could work out all these things, he just chooses not to.

He sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for you.

Only you can decide if you are willing to put up with being treated like this though.