AIBU to feel depressed because I'm ugly

[Boo89]

I have a very ugly face. I looked normal as a child, but developed a very large and hooked, witchy nose and ultimately look very unattractive. I wear full makeup everyday which helps a little bit, but there's not much I can do about it aside from plastic surgery. It's not just the nose, otherwise I would have a nose job, my whole face is odd. It's affected my confidence as I don't like people looking at me, and consequently I'm very reserved and introverted.

My life is okay. I'm 28 and have an okay job, although I'm not great at it. I got married last year and I think my husband likes me in spite of my appearance (not sure why, but best not to question it).

But I still feel depressed about my appearance. I'm not sure why, I mean I'm married and surely as long as my husband loves me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks? But I still feel awful every time I see a picture of myself, and I have even felt suicidal over this (amongst other things).

I think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

AIBU? Should I just get over it and count my losses?

I do sort of know how you feel. However, I know this sounds a bit twee but if I like someone's personality I genuinely don't find anyone ugly even if they don't wear make up as long as they are groomed (eyebrows/nails/hair) and dress well.

I'm not attractive in my own opinion but I have plenty of friends (who i can only assume feel the same way!) so I gave up worrying about it long ago and feel much happier since I realised this.

Have you looked into a nose job?

I bet if you post a pic we will be able to find some beautiful things about your face.

I dont think ive ever seen someone where there werent a couple of things that worked to their advantage.

Hi OP. Have you ever thought about getting counselling? We all feel down about how we look sometimes but the fact you mention you feel depressed and even suicidal is something of a concern. Would you maybe feel comfortable having a chat with your GP, or local counselling service?

It must be awful to feel so uncomfortable and so judged all the time, but please bear in mind that not everyone is going to be judging you - I honestly do not give a shit what anyone els's face looks like. You can't help your facial features so why would I judge anyone for them? Being a kind, decent human being is the only thing that matters. I know that sounds corny but it's true.

The people that DO judge you aren't worth worrying about. It is their issue, not yours.

Does it really matter? Th people who you care for in your life feel th same care for you, right? Would you care for them less if they were less good looking? Value them less? Perceive them as lesser? I strongly suspect not.apply those rules to yourself. Most of us are far from what society sees as beautiful but we are just as precious.

Have you looked into Body Dysmorphia?

You seem overly preoccupied with one aspect of your face and it seems to be haunting your daily life.

Everyone has one or two things about themselves that they'd like to improve or change.

Me? My height. I'm less than 5 feet tall and no one who can pat me on the head, takes me seriously.

It doesn't make me ugly, quite the opposite, I'm told I'm "cute".

I'm 50.

But it's something I can't change.

I think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

How do you know you're being judged? How many people throughout your life have made negative comments about your appearance?

To answer your question, YES you should get over it, and count your blessings! Easy to say, very hard to do.

I bet if you post a pic we will be able to find some beautiful things about your face

^ I really don’t understand why you would suggest she post a picture.

OP we are all beautiful in our own way, nobody is ugly, I didn’t even think people used the word ugly anymore.

Are you being judged, though? Who by, and how?

Honestly - you aren’t ugly. I promise you this! Only you feel this way. I know it feels like it must be true but no one is ugly. Every single person has beautiful aspects to them. It’s just you can’t see yours right now.
I would 100% recommend doing everything and anything to self love - whether that’s counselling, or treating yourself with something nice or new.
I do understand how awful this must feel.
I felt suicidal at how I looked. I used to look in the mirror and feel total disgust and self loathing.
Louise Hays website has some wonderful affirmations and books etc which may help

So you think your husband thinks you’re ugly and settled for you? Do you love him, with that high opinion you have of him, or did you just settle for him thinking no one else would ask you?

What @halfwitpicker said...it could completely transform how you feel for the rest of your life

Without laying eyes on you, I can tell you that you are not ugly. A big nose does not make you ugly (my mother has one, with a big bump in the middle. She hates it, and never notices that she has a beautiful smile). Nor does an odd shaped face.

I do sympathize, as the owner of prominent, crooked teeth ( can't afford braces). On self conscious days, I hate people looking at me too.

BUT I can see my good bits too, on a good day.

If you are genuinely unable to see any good in yourself, that's proper depression, and if I were you, I would make a GP appointment, or an appointment with a counsellor.

You don't have to go through life feeling like this

I hate my face, always have. I even had less-than-kind comments from adults when I was a child/teenager. Killed all my confidence and I really hated myself. I'm now marching towards 50, my facial features are the same as they always were, sometimes my face is thin, sometimes chubby (depending on the size & shape of the rest of me....), and I have my hair dyed bright red and I utterly love it. I love looking in the mirror because I love my red hair and it is exactly the right colour for me. People who have got to know me recently can't believe it when I say I lack confidence and am shy, because they assume I want to draw attention to myself with bright red hair! I still don't like compliments, I assume it's someone making fun of me, just like they did 30 years ago; I've stayed single - partly because I never take compliments seriously and push people away (and also coz I am a lousy picker of men) but I'm totally happy with me. Oh, and I never wear make-up now, I really can't be doing with the hassle every day.

How you see yourself is probably nothing like the way other people see you; but it's about feeling confident in yourself. If you really don't like something about yourself, look at what you can enhance that might either detract from it, or bring the best out of it. For me it was going bold with my hair.

Everyone of us are unhappy about some aspect of ourselves. People who judge you on your appearance aren't worthy of you worrying about it.
Those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Those that don't matter.

You'll get more negative reactions because you don't feel you can be yourself, than because of your appearance. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Please don't let it affect your confidence.

I think you have 3 options:

1. therapy to change the way you think about your face.
2. surgery to make your face more like the face you want (you don't say what is 'odd' about it but there are lots of procedures as well as nose jobs)
3. Accept you don't like your face and focus on other things like health/fitness/career etc

Are your teeth in good condition (not black & stubby)? Are you clean looking with relatively tidy hair?

Yes? Then you are not ugly....you are normal.

The only time I am ever struck by someone's "unattractiveness" it's when the above apply. (And yes, I know, these things can be down to MH issues, but I am talking pure aesthetics).

In the nicest possible way, you are being a bit narcissistic, probably due to low self-esteem. Why do you think you ought to be "good looking"? Do you think people would like & respect you more? Would your husband want to bonk you more? Do you want other men to fancy you?

What is it you would get from better looks that you are not getting now?

This IS a self-esteem issue and you should address it from that perspective. Counselling will help. But in the meantime, be aware that absolutely noboby spends much time thinking about what you look like. We are all ego maniacs far more concerned with our own facial structure than anyone else's.

Your self-worth should not be dependent on another person. However... your husband clearly thinks you are a beautiful woman, both outside and in. Have you confided your thoughts in him? Have you told him how low you feel and asked him to help you see yourself through his eyes? That might be a good place to start.

I've got to 45 without ever once looking at a person and thinking God they are ugly..hand on my heart I havent..we are all different shapes sizes colours big ears / noses ,small eyes big chins etc etc..we are unique,we all have things we hate about ourselves,and things we love about ourselves...I often wonder too why my husband married me..I think it's called low self esteem,and I think if you spoke to your doctor he would refer you to some counselling,which I think you need xx

I remember when I met my very best friend, almost 20 years ago, thinking how unfortunate it was that she was so homely and had a horse-y face. Now, I look at her and try to remember what I thought was unattractive. It's true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, because she has been the most beautiful, wonderful friend through years of unspeakable tragedy and tremendous joys. Perceptions do change. Project confidence and kindness and people will not even be able to see your perceived physical shortcomings. Honest.

I can empathise OP. I looked ok in the past but I am 30 now and my under-eye bags are very prominent, my nose is a bit crooked and I have a very large head so for the most part I think that I am objectively ugly. Unlike you I'm not even married and worry about what men think of my appearance quite a lot. I guess at least I won't attract vacuous, looks-obsessed men!

Whether or not you are ugly it is worth seeking some psychological help or counselling for this because if you feel suicidal about your looks then that sounds like Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

I have never judged anyone's face. I think you need to see someone to talk it out with. I doubt very much you are ugly, but maybe address your self esteem.

Nobody is ugly and it is true a happy person regardless of size, shape or face always radiates beauty.

Your post is very sad. I hope you feel better soon x

My late DM truly and honestly thought she was repulsive looking. Would go to great lengths to avoid having her photo taken and when she saw a photo of herself thought she was hideous. She truly wasn’t. If anything she was beautiful and had many male admirers. Nobody and nothing could convince her otherwise though. As a child her parents compared her unfavourably to her younger, ringletted Shirley Temple-esque sister and called my DM ‘The Gypsey’ because of her dark hair and olive skin. So that’s obviously where her self loathIng came from. I’m not as bad as poor DM but feel very ugly and also go to great lengths to avoid photos. I’m not sure if I am ugly though or just feel it. Our minds can totally distort what we see when we look at ourselves. From my DMs experience that is definitely true.

What you see and what others see may be very different Boo89

In some cultures a hooked nose is considered beautiful on a woman. I always remember a gorgeous description in The Kite Runner when he meets his wife who he describes as having a beautiful hooked nose and eyebrows that meet in the middle. It was so well written i suddenly saw the incredible beauty in two things which we've been trained in the West to not see as desirbale. But why not?

Rather than focus on your nose, focus on some other aspect of yorur looks. I have two of the ugliest legs I've ever seen. truly hideous. Very fat and shapeless, even when I was technically underweight. The rest of me was Belsen skinny - but the legs were swollen and dimpled, bleached white with broken blue veins and cellulite. I just, usually don't think much about them. I have to dress very carefully to reduce attention to them, can never wear shorts so have learned ot love maxi dresses, and to focus on my good points - nice eyes, hair, boobs.

Just spend time paying attention to and accentuating your best features - legs? boobs? eyes? hair? torso? wrists and ankles? There will be a whole load of beautiful features you have that you're overlooking. Ignore your nose for w while and draw your attention to your best bits, mentally, and draw other people's attention to them through how you dress and accessorise.