AIBU to feel depressed because I'm ugly

[Boo89]

I have a very ugly face. I looked normal as a child, but developed a very large and hooked, witchy nose and ultimately look very unattractive. I wear full makeup everyday which helps a little bit, but there's not much I can do about it aside from plastic surgery. It's not just the nose, otherwise I would have a nose job, my whole face is odd. It's affected my confidence as I don't like people looking at me, and consequently I'm very reserved and introverted.

My life is okay. I'm 28 and have an okay job, although I'm not great at it. I got married last year and I think my husband likes me in spite of my appearance (not sure why, but best not to question it).

But I still feel depressed about my appearance. I'm not sure why, I mean I'm married and surely as long as my husband loves me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks? But I still feel awful every time I see a picture of myself, and I have even felt suicidal over this (amongst other things).

I think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

AIBU? Should I just get over it and count my losses?

For those saying how do you know people are judging...

I am ugly. There is no question about it.

I can probably fix with cosmetic surgery a few issues but I know because of my different heritage mix I don't look like other white British women. I never have.

Yesterday, dp (terminally ill so not looking great) and myself decided to go and look at a show home on a new development.

This is the 3rd time I have been.

First time the salesperson said they were popping out and when I asked what time they would be back they said they didn't know.

Second time they told me they couldn't show me round as someone was already viewing with another salesperson.

Then yesterday with dp we were told we would have to make an appointment

Salesperson was supposed to ring at 10am this morning to make an appointment

No call was received.

Friends who freely admit they were out for a nose round were let through the sales office to look around by themselves with no problem.

How you look can affect so much in your life.

If you are just normal looking life treats you very differently than if you are ugly.
For those that haven't experienced this then thank your lucky stars.

The woman was so snooty.

This is just the latest example of what I have put up with the whole of my life

You know what, you’ve just to like yourself. We can’t all be the image of perfection but that’s not the way it works!
You are what you are....
Thank you for a size 10 body
Thank you for perfect teeth
Thank you for an arse that won’t quit
Well, I ain’t got any of those but you know What? I like me!

I like me too. It is just other people look at me and have an instant dislike.

Oliversmumsarmy: That must have been horrible and it's awful to think that it was because of your looks. But I've been messed around by estate agents and not put it down to my looks. I probably get treated better if I'm wearing makeup (I have bad skin) but I don't see myself as ugly so if I'm not wearing much makeup I don't think they've been rude because I'm ugly - I don't see it as about me but the lack of makeup. I sometimes worry that people are being rude because I have the type of personality that people aren't drawn to - I'm shy - or even because they think I'm too attractive! The fact is I don't know why people sometimes can seem off with me or even if I'm imagining it entirely. It could have more to do with what they have going on in their lives
The same grumpy estate agent- you would say it's because you're ugly, Samantha brick would say estate agent's jealous of her looks...

I don't want you to think I'm doubting your story though so please don't take offence at this. I wasn't there I know.

Oliversmumsarmy: ps sorry to hear your dp is terminally ill, that must be so hard.

It might not have been specifically because the agent thought you were unattractive, it could have been more that they pre judged the likelihood of you being ready to buy versus just looking around by making an assessment of your income/wealth based on how you look. Which is stupid and could lose her a sale! But people do it. I don’t have money so to speak and therefore get largely ignored when I walk into a car dealership. I think people who sell expensive items for a living get pretty fast at making a judgment between potential client and time waster based on appearances, as every hour spent with someone who’s just there to look around is time that could be spent making a sale.

Op: I've also noticed that some people with siblings set a lot of store by how they compare to their siblings: if their sibling is good at something they see themselves as bad at it even if they're actually average; if their sibling is good looking they're the ugly one even if they're average etc. I know this was exacerbated by your mother's remarks, but the grand scheme of things it doesn't actually mattter how you compare to your siblings. Whether most people actually see your as ugly I guess depends partly on how you compare to everyone, not just a handful of other people, but it's also down to their perception. One of the few negative comments I've had about my looks was from someone who actually had a similar look. I think we notice our own perceived flaws in others. I don't think of long noses as ugly, I guess partly because I don't have one so it's not on my radar as a "problem". I sometimes notice them in a positive way though because as I say I think they can add to someone's looks.

The obsession with small noses is quite odd and kinda problematic I think as it’s prizing a feature that is mostly found in people who are white, don’t think that’s a coincidence!

OH has a fairly big nose and it suits him completely, I can’t imagine his face any other way. They can be so attractive with the right set of features. I adore his nose.

Oliver’s mummy - that was horrible what happened to you the other day.
You would think that a sales person wouldnt by even be looking at someone’s appearance at all they would too busy falling over themselves to get people to buy things.
Fuck them all - they are the ones with the problem.

I have to confess that i have always loved big noses and think they make people really attractive.
I always fancy men with large noses as well ( no rude comments please about them corelating to othr parts of the anatomy ha ha ).
If you watch Bondi Rescue there is a lifeguard called Troy. He is nicknamed Gonzo for obvious reasons and honestly i think he is gorgeous. I think women with large noses are equally as striking.
Like you i grew up with negative comments about my looks from family members and it has taken most of my life to sort my head out. It helps that i am 50 plus now and dont care the same but when i look back even i can see that i wasnt ugly at all . Not a stunner but attractive and slim though i was convinced i was huge and grotesque
I wasted so many years hating myself and wush i could go back in time and do it differently.
Dont make my mistake. Learn to accept and love yourself .
And finally i have 2 children with complex needs and have many friends with children with all kinds of disabilities. What a leveller it is to mix with special needs kids with all manner of deformaties and limitations. Do you know they are the most beautiful people on the planet to me. Their love and joy of life give them a depth and attractiveness that most of the rest of us have lost as we have grown up. Beauty really does come from within .

I have posted before about my experiences with car dealerships. I use them as a free coffee shops. I am never approached and I make myself a free coffee. No one ever approaches me.

This woman who dp (ex public schoolboy) couldn't believe how snooty she was. He has mixed with royalty and they were more friendly than this woman. This would have been a cash sale. But as we couldn't view it won't be sold to us.

There is something definitely wrong with the way I look as no one I know gets followed around by store detectives when ever I am browsing or gets stopped coming out of stores on leaving.

Unfortunately dd looks similar to me and is starting to experience similar.

Equally when I have been into stores with friends and asked about something friends have noticed the open sneers on peoples faces when I ask them a question. I am used to it now but occasionally I would just like to go to my local supermarket on my own without a particular store person following me around. Or just to do things that other people do without the looks of disdain.

OP I get you. I'm part of an ethnicity that most people consider "ugly" here in the West. But to what lengths should you change your natural self to fit in with society's ideal?

I love that your helping yourself to drinks in the dealership. It’s the perfect two fingers.
It’s all their loss not yours.

Large hooked nose that is making you really unhappy? A course of therapy and a nose job would do wonders for your confidence.

I’ve had body dysmorphia for a long time and for me I am at a stage where I can convince myself that it’s my mind that’s the problem, not my body.

For example, if I see someone who is my size or bigger, I never think they look hideous. I have friends who are bigger than me and I think they look fantastic. I am far harder on myself than anyone else will ever be and I’m sure you are too. I don’t care what anyone else looks like but my own appearance regularly reduces me to tears.

I would definitely get some counselling x

I also seriously doubt you're ugly. I'm sitting in the middle of a packed terminal five at Heathrow. I can see many people of all shapes and ages, but I genuinely can't see an ugly one.

I can see folks who I personally wouldn't perceive as attractive, predominantly due to how they present themselves, but that's not the same as being ugly. Far from it.

I suspect your attitude is linked to your low self esteem, and not your actual looks. So its not based in reality.

I've a big nose, folks used to make the joke it was a Roman nose, Roman all over my face. I'm Italian descent. Yet I think I'm attractive. Because I was also told that growing up. So I have high self esteem, irrelevant of the reality. Coupled in with the fact beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Self confidence I think has a lot to answer for. Your brother in law is a wanker. I suspect if you really were ugly he wouldn't have said what he said. People seldom do.

So I think the first thing to fix is the self confidence and low self esteem issue. Because I suspect much of this is more a mental issue than a physical one.💐

You know what, you’ve just to like yourself

It’s kind of not that simple unfortunately. That’s like telling someone with anxiety to “Just stop worrying.” We don’t have buttons to turn these unwanted feeling on and off and some people need support to find ways to get them into a containment situation.

OP has been given the message very early on by her mum and gran that’s she doesn’t measure up to her sisters’ appearance wise and feels her looks aren’t ok. That maybe very far from the truth but OP feels what she feels and amount of advise telling her to love herself as she is will help right now.

No amount of advice, I mean .

I think your mum’s attitude has a lot to do with it. My older sister was always so slim and beautiful, and my mum used to say things to me like “you used to be so pretty when you were a little girl” but then apparently I came back from my a holiday at my dad’s “fat” (I was about 4 or 5) so she had to “put me on a diet”. No surprise I ended up with an eating disorder and so much self-loathing about my appearance. Even when size 6 clothes were hanging off me it wasn’t enough. I fear that if you have your nose done it won’t be enough for you either. My mum became addicted to plastic surgery and had tons of procedures but it was never enough. I would definitely pursue counselling if I were you.

Study the face of the late Diana, Princess of Wales. In no way was her face 'perfect' - and yet she was considered one of the most beautiful women of our time. What she did was to play up her best features (statuesque figure, stunning blue eyes) and ignore the rest. She also had an extraordinary vitality and love of humanity that shone out of her.

Beauty is in the the eye of the beholder, it’s true. Also beauty comes from the inside out, not the outside in. Some of the most physically attractive people I have met are unattractive to me because they think their looks make them special. The beauty in the people I think are beautiful comes from who they are, not what they look like. I barely notice what they look like TBH. I never think of or refer to them in terms of their physical appearance.

One of the most physically attractive people I know is also one of the ugliest. She only wants to hang out with other “beautiful” people and will openly say so, and will criticise people for what she perceives as their flaws. She isn’t nice and she wears it on her face with her bad smell expression!

Anyone who will refer to you by your physical appearance is to be avoided. Use it as a barometer. Anyone who says, for instance, “she’s got a big nose, but she’s really nice.....” - RUN!!! Find your “people”, and that will help make you happy.

I have posted before about my experiences with car dealerships. I use them as a free coffee shops. I am never approached and I make myself a free coffee.

That’ll be why you’re ignored then 😂 sales people aren’t thick, they’ll have noticed you always go in, get a coffee and leave without approaching anyone to ask about a car.

No offence but you can’t blame them for thinking you’re a time waster when you repeatedly show up to use them as a free coffee shop.

Oh no. I do always ask if someone would mind serving me.

I was genuinely looking for a car at one stage but nobody would come over. I have asked if a salesman could call me if they are busy but I don't get a response.

Plus I travel about the country so I rarely use the same place twice.

@LoxieRose - apologies for being ignorant but there's an entire ethnicity that the West thinks is plain? I didn't know that. I can't imagine it or what it might be.

I get terribly upset about my features, too, OP. I don't like my nose, and I have had a nose job! My eyes are very small and deep set; they disappear in photos. I have a small mouth and a long face. I have to think positively about something, though. I have nice, clear skin and rosy cheeks. I don't have many wrinkles or grey hairs for my age.

Do you feel this way about your entire body? Have you talked to your GP about how you're feeling? Maybe some CBT might help. Focus on good things,.