AIBU to feel depressed because I'm ugly

[Boo89]

I have a very ugly face. I looked normal as a child, but developed a very large and hooked, witchy nose and ultimately look very unattractive. I wear full makeup everyday which helps a little bit, but there's not much I can do about it aside from plastic surgery. It's not just the nose, otherwise I would have a nose job, my whole face is odd. It's affected my confidence as I don't like people looking at me, and consequently I'm very reserved and introverted.

My life is okay. I'm 28 and have an okay job, although I'm not great at it. I got married last year and I think my husband likes me in spite of my appearance (not sure why, but best not to question it).

But I still feel depressed about my appearance. I'm not sure why, I mean I'm married and surely as long as my husband loves me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks? But I still feel awful every time I see a picture of myself, and I have even felt suicidal over this (amongst other things).

I think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

AIBU? Should I just get over it and count my losses?

I’m sorry you feel bad about how you look. I’m sure people aren’t judging you though.

Are you constantly worrying about your looks or is it something that just bugs you once in a while?

I go to great lengths to avoid photos as well, and hate myself when I see a photo if one happens to be taken at a do that includes me. Yet I look at my DDs and see them as beautiful :( I don't know why we judge ourselves so harshly.

A friend had a nose-job in her forties, and I must say it made a huge difference to her face. I'd thought she looked nice anyway, but when she'd had the nose job her eyes looked much bigger, and her face looked 'daintier' somehow. She was always glad she'd had it done.

Op:
I do understand how you feel.
Having a large hooked nose is not something most women want or would feel totally comfortable with. Men can get away with big noses as they’re seen as masculine. Plus your nose is slap bang in the middle of your face so there’s absolutely nothing you can do to hide it.
Without seeing your nose though it’s very difficult to say more, many women have a slight bump on their nose, or have a slightly bigger than average nose & still look beautiful ( or just ordinary) & no one takes any notice. What I’m saying is, your nose has to be pretty big for anyone to really notice or distract from your beauty.
But I’ll be honest, if I had a big hooked nose I would have a nose job.

Beauty and attractiveness are two different things. I've got a long nose and slightly cross eyes and wonky teeth so I know like 99% of the human race I'm not beautiful but I've had partners who found me attractive - and I'm fairly certain your husband finds you attractive too!

Are there things you like about yourself?

The expression beauty comes from within is so very true. Being a kind, caring, considerate and loving person is far more important than scoring 10/10 for beauty and being a total arsehole. There is a facial type at the moment, which is considered most attractive. In the past, this was different and many ordinary looking people by today’s standards were considered raging beauties and vis versa. This will also change in the future. The more I like someone, the more attractive they become. And if someone is vile to me, they can be considered the most beautiful person on the planet but that isn’t going to make me want to spend time with them.

I really think you should get some therapy. Even if you were to get extensive facial cosmetic surgery, odds on you still wouldn’t be happy. This isn’t about your looks, it goes far deeper.

If your Husband likes you, then you are fine.
I am not attractive but my partner thinks I am beautiful. I am happy with that.

One of the most attractive people I know is, by any objective measure, ugly. However, he's good fun and really, really nice and has always had fabulous looking women falling over themselves to be with him.

Confidence goes a long way.

The thing is though you're married so your dh must find you attractive. You're only 28
Its not like your 98 and have never been kissed.

Do you know what op? Your appearance doesn’t matter beyond the first initial impression for most decent people. You are doing ok. You have a husband who loves you, You hold down a job. If it’s just your nose that bothers you save up and have it fixed, especially if it will improve your self esteem.

There are only 2 people I have ever thought were ugly and it is no coincidence that they are both horrible horrible back stabbing two faced unkind people.

I absolutely guarantee that your husband, children, good friends will look at you and see none of the ugliness you perceive.

I was born with a witchy nose I hated. It wasn't just the shape - it was the size as well. I was teased mercilessly. Our head teacher in primary school even called me a witch. It didn't improve as time went by. Boys and girls were equally mean. At university I remember sitting in my usual spot for a particular lecture and someone had drawn my nose on the wooden desk. At work I once walked in to find my caricature drawn on our whiteboard. There was no mistaking it. It was me. Big nose, my dress, they even drew in a hairy lip for good measure.

Eventually i had a nose job and I take grooming to serious heights. I'll never be beautiful, but I've done the best with what I have, and I'm no longer mortified about my profile. You're not stuck with what you have.

I agree your married so obviously people find you attractive. I'm single and hideous.

Calling yourself ugly is harsh and makes some of us wonder if therapy would help.

Some people are prettier than others. I'm towards what you might call the ugly end of the spectrum. We are all born with certain genetics. It will help you to enjoy your life more if you focus on what's going comparatively well.

I agree with MrsMaisel - there's no need ot be stuck with what you have. If having a nose job would seriously enhance your life and self esteem, do it. I had a male friend with a very prominent hooked nose. He had a nose job. We met one night in a pub. I hadn;t seen him for ages and didn;t know he;s had a nose job. This incredibly handsome man came in. It was him. It wasn't just that his face was now more conventionally handsome (obviously I loved how he looked before anyway as he was a dear friend) but that he carried himself with so much more confidence. The shyness had gone.

Oh god why can't people just agree with op that we live in a fairly looks focussed shallow society and not conforming to standards can make you feel a bit shit?

Telling her she's wrong, that beauty comes from within etc is all very nice but not very true. Sometimes we want people to accept our feelings and not say we are wrong.

Op, do a couple of nice things for yourself to boost your confidence if it would help - lash lift, new foundation, new hair cut, piercing , clothes - whatever makes your skin easier to live in.

To be honest I was out of line for saying.
You're married you must be attractive.
No women needs a man to validate or price her attractiveness. I mean I have a dp. However that doesn't mean I bowled over by beauty and want to get a room with myself.
I can see also see how single people could take that out of conext.
Full apologies to anyone I've upset.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind replies, and for being constructive rather than judgemental.

In response to some of the questions

• I had seriously planned on having a nose job and worked and saved up throughout University to pay for one. However once I graduated I chickened out. I told my then boyfriend (now husband) of my plans and he told me I was being silly. I think my family would do the same if I told them. I was also concerned that a) something would go wrong and I'd end up in a worse position than before as this time it would be my fault, or that b) I'd have it and still be unhappy with my appearance since my nose isn't the only problem. I do have the money saved up to have one, though.

• I actually emailed a counsellor earlier today to book a trial session as I recognise that I need to talk about this, and I need to improve my self esteem beyond just my appearance. I also have feelings of inadequacy surrounding my personality and my job, so I think I'm maybe stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and irrational thoughts.

• Day-to-day I find I can forget my appearance, I just focus on other things. I can actually start to feel confident, and convince myself I look okay, and then I'll see a photo taken of me and I'll realise how I really look and it brings me down. I actually deactivated Facebook earlier to stop this happening.

• People rarely say anything these days, I had the usual 'minger' comments at school, but I just didn't react to bullying so didn't have it too bad. However people sometimes accidentally do things that remind me of my looks. For instance, recently BIL's comment that a guy that had approached me in a bar to talk was using the technique of approaching the ugly friend to get to the girl they want (in this case BIL's wife), certain more image-conscious friends often don't ask me to be in photos and conveniently take them when I'm out of the room or if they do they never post the ones I'm in online (not just a one off occurrence, this has happened dozens of times, enough for me to recognise it as a clear pattern).

I feel like when meeting new people, as I do regularly in my job, people make a snap judgement as to whether or not you're worth getting to know. I think this is what concerns me most - I tried to ignore my appearance and focus on academic work and now I feel that my looks are still holding me back in my career.

Oh so someone comes on upset and says.
Theyre depressed because theyre "ugly"
Are we supposed to kick her while she's down and say. Yes I'm sure you a ugly cunt.
Have you ever considered hiring yourself out to haunt a house.

Like others I think there’s a strong psychological element to how you think about your looks. I have a large hooked nose, and a few other features besides that I don’t like. But when I dress well, style my hair etc (and get a bit of colour on me) I feel good about myself. I think, and I mean this kindly, that your issue is partly in lacking a sense of perspective about how much (or how little) your looks matter. Sure it’d be easier to look like Nigella (or whoever), but most of us don’t.

I have a horrific squint 😑

@Awwlookatmybabyspider if that's aimed at me don't be daft.

OP, you don't need a new nose. You need new friends and to stay away from your obnoxious BIL!

What's "ugly" anyway? I always think of Rossy De Palma, a very highly regarded Spanish actress that used to joke that she'd always been the ugliest girl in her village but then when she became famous she was heralded as "a Cubist beauty". I will take personality over looks any day.

Your brother in law's comment... what an absolute twat.

I actually emailed a counsellor earlier today to book a trial session as I recognise that I need to talk about this, and I need to improve my self esteem beyond just my appearance. I also have feelings of inadequacy surrounding my personality and my job, so I think I'm maybe stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and irrational thoughts.

Congrats on doing this. It sounds very much like you're in a negative rut. I have the same feelings though less about my looks and more about how people think of my performance. It can be crippling and can negatively affect others around you including your loved ones. Kudos for seeking help.

P.S. In regards to DH, I am fairly certain he loves me. He met me when we were both 16 and my nose has continued to grow since then (and I'm sure it's not finished yet!) and we've been together 12 years, and married 1. He does make me feel very loved, and does help with self worth. He doesn't really comment on my appearance, to be honest, so I'm not sure what he thinks of how I look.

I had a few comments from family members which really stuck with me, and might be the root of how I'm feeling. In particular I took comments from my sister and gran on my 'ugly face' and 'harsh features' to light, as they were unfiltered and honest (gran was old and senile, and had no filter, sister was very young and just making an observation rather than being mean). My mum also calls all of my other sisters beautiful except for me. She doesn't call my ugly, but she had just never used the word beautiful to describe me, despite using it regularly when talking about my sisters.

Well you know what they say about caps.
Noeuf