AIBU to feel depressed because I'm ugly

[Boo89]

I have a very ugly face. I looked normal as a child, but developed a very large and hooked, witchy nose and ultimately look very unattractive. I wear full makeup everyday which helps a little bit, but there's not much I can do about it aside from plastic surgery. It's not just the nose, otherwise I would have a nose job, my whole face is odd. It's affected my confidence as I don't like people looking at me, and consequently I'm very reserved and introverted.

My life is okay. I'm 28 and have an okay job, although I'm not great at it. I got married last year and I think my husband likes me in spite of my appearance (not sure why, but best not to question it).

But I still feel depressed about my appearance. I'm not sure why, I mean I'm married and surely as long as my husband loves me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks? But I still feel awful every time I see a picture of myself, and I have even felt suicidal over this (amongst other things).

I think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

AIBU? Should I just get over it and count my losses?

I get it, I have a facial scar from an accident. I was teased mercilessly for being ‘different’ Luckily I was mouthy so could give back what I got. Inside I was broken and have very little confidence and even though DH tells me i’m Beautiful I don’t feel it. I would love to actually look in the mirror and see beauty rather than what I do see.

I really think that most of someone's attractiveness comes from how they present themselves - being clean, fresh and well-groomed. And, of course, how they behave! Someone who smiles is automatically much more appealing, as is someone kind or funny.

I do know how you feel. I’ve never been pretty and would love to be really beautiful just for a day to see what it’s like.
However, your suicidal comment is worrying. Your dh loves you - you have a job and a home - feeling this bad can’t be right? We all compare and there are always prettier slimmer more confident people around - it’s life.
Maybe you should see about some counselling? It might help.

I'm 40 years old and I've never seen an ugly person. Not one. I've met plenty of people with 'ugly' personalities though...

I realised early in life that I was not and was never going to be what I call 'classically attractive'. What I will say - now I'm almost 60 - is that (a) it's incredibly freeing, in that I don't feel remotely bothered about make-up, etc and (b) as you age, you tend to 'grow into' your face and find you see yourself as less 'ugly' than you used to.

I find I don't look as much my age as a lot of more 'classically attractive' women do and I find that a bit of a boon now.

There is no such thing as an ugly person in my eyes, and I'm sure that applies to most people's eyes.

I don't mean to trivialise how you feel but think of cats. I'm a cat lover and I can tell which cat might be universally recognised as a 'handsome' or 'beautiful' cat.

But what about all the other gorgeous cats and their amazing character traits? The funny-faced ones with a splodge across their chops or the squashed faced grumpy looking ones? It doesn't occur to me that they're not a classically handsome or beautiful-looking cat at all. I see the cat in front of me and it is never anything other than adorable.

If we are lucky we all have 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth, and that is where our beauty can be found - in our expressions and in our smiles and shining eyes.

Good skin helps, being young helps, but most of all being confident in who you are and being kind - that is always beautiful.

I agree with others who have said that counselling would be a good idea. It sounds as though you are very much loved by your H and I hope you find a way to love yourself as much as others love you. You sound like a lovely thoughtful person.

I can only echo what others have said. For me, physical attractiveness plays no part at all in who I want to spend with and be friends with. Or for that matter, who i want my photo taken with! I wonder if your friends understand your lack of confidence and that's why they avoid taking your photo? physically beautiful people can be so ugly and vice versa. Regardless of how accurate your perception is of being ugly, it sounds like counselling might be the best route, to help shift your attention to the many positives in your life.

Your stupid BIL is far uglier than you will ever be, OP.
We are brought up, by the media, society... to believe that we, as women and girls are only worth our looks. Perfect , camera friendly women are everywhere in the media. Look around you, it’s not like that in reality. You might look at someone and think, “oh, I wished I looked like her”, but I bet you don’t go around thinking, “she’s ugly, he’s ugly” unless they are obnoxious, horrible people too.
The media, relatives, us, we’ve all swallowed this thing, feeling inferior because most of us aren’t perfectly attractive at all times.
Poor Mary Beard is a professor and she gets shit about having long, naturally grey hair by dickheads who don’t want to learn by listening to what she has to say. She is criticised for looking a certain way and not confirming. I hope she doesn’t give a fuck. Most folks are just perfectly nice looking with quirks. Most folks will get over a hooked nose or whatever, when you speak to them, unless you say horrible things, then it will be forever, “that awful woman with the hooked nose”.
Society and people (judging by your schoolmates and family) will let you know that you are “less than “ this media ideal. But you are so much more than that OP.

Find a mumsnet thread about ‘ weird crushes’ usually celebs / people on the tv. The range of people is vast - even ones not conventionally good looking get the thumbs up!

Now I’m an adult I don’t see anyone as ugly, and that’s the truth...I think that’s more a teenage thing where people judge on looks.

However a few handsome people I know I find very unattractive as they have the worst personalities. So ugliness isn’t in looks but in a way a person acts/is.

I think your being very hard on yourself and you don’t need to be.

Have you had adults comment on your appearance or something? Or are you your own worst enemy??

I’ve met a few good looking men and women and they are ( usually) pretty vain on the whole. Don’t have to try too hard/ vacuous and one was downright horrible. ( very handsome though)

Give me a nice normal looking person anyday of the week. Which is most of us to be fair - not that I rate my own looks but as you age you care less too.

“I'm 40 years old and I've never seen an ugly person. Not one. I've met plenty of people with 'ugly' personalities though...”

I guess you’ve never seen a beautiful person either then. Because you can’t define someone as being beautiful and average without having the opposite end of the scale to compare it to.

I guess you’ve never seen a beautiful person either then. Because you can’t define someone as being beautiful and average without having the opposite end of the scale to compare it to.

Not sure I agree. I think we can find a lot of beauty in people but that doesn't mean we find ugliness as easily (some people may do)

Beauty is a subjective matter, rather than an absolute one, so the notion of a scale, upon which we all fit is a bit misleading. That's not to say I disagree entirely because some people will be deemed beautiful by a large percentage of people, whilst others won't. I just don't agree that it means someone has to be ugly in order for someone else to be beautiful.

Trust me when I say beautiful isnt highly contoured clown makeup huge eyebrows and lips and massive fake tits as so many young women think is. Beauty comes from within. I'm not good looking in the slightest in my opinion. However I know I am a nice person with a good sense of humour. So don't really care how people think I look. My fiancee tells me im.beautiful so thats all that matters to me.

@therealmothergoose roald Dahl. One of my fav quotes of his ♡

I always say life's too short to be miserable. Do something about it. I had massive pendulous breasts at 21 which got much worse after I had my baby so I had a mastopexy (breast reduction and uplift). It was the best thing I ever did.

I always think that one very seldom sees people who are really 'ugly'. You see lots of average looking people, you see some people who have one feature that isn't so great, but it still doesn't make them 'ugly'.

Did you feel your nose was terrible or did anyone make comments about it when you were younger? I know that sometimes just one comment or one person can make someone feel awful about themselves for a lifetime sometimes.

OP, you talk about confidence and that you think looks are holding you back in your career..... It probably isn't your looks, but possibly it IS your confidence in your looks. Many years ago I lost a fair bit of weight - I halved my weight in fact. You can't do that secretly, its kinda noticable. I work in a male-dominated industry, and as I shrunk, so I found I was speaking to everyone more, and the chaps were coming up to chat at the coffee machine, somewhat coyly at first for fear of offending me. Previously I kept to myself and didn't interact with most of them. My first thought was "shallow bastards" - I looked better so they would talk to me. Then - with the help of a trusted female colleague - I realised it wasn't them, it was me. I walked higher, straighter, bolder. I had a presence. As I lost weight I learned to love me more, I was more outgoing, and the image I was now projecting was of someone who wanted to chat to everyone - which I didn't before. That was the point my career had a growth spurt as well and I was asked to take on specific projects that meant I had been actively considered, and that got me noticed.

Now, I'm not quite as slim, I've settled to somewhere in the (upper) middle, but I've kept that confidence in myself that I learned. I may have more wrinkles and curves and a double chin and pointy nose and flabby bits and avoid the full-length mirrors coz I can't stand the sight of me all in one go - but I still walk with my head held high and a big grin (and my red hair!), I talk to whoever I want whether I know them or not, and I know my worth.

I don't have the answer to learning to love yourself - it may be that nose job, or counselling, or a new hairstyle, or just the right words from a loved one. But once you are comfortable with how you are, you could find a big change in your life, both personal and professional.

I think some of the more quirky features on people are actually pretty beautiful. It’s what makes someone unique. Sarah Jessica Parker - a beautiful woman with a larger nose, pointy chin, etc. . Richard Ashcroft - large nose, goggle eyes -me and my school friends used to really fancy him! Louis Theroux,Tilda Swinton(my gay friend says he’d turn for her)... I could go on !
You are not ugly OP. Unless you have a nasty personality which I am sure you don’t !

OP - your opinion of yourself sounds extreme - please think of ways to improve that (counselling, taking up a new activity, going to the gym, whatever works for you).

I think I am fairly moose like - but I’m not really, I’m just average and ageing. I have a husband who loves me. I am aiming to lose a stone & a half because that will change the clothes I can wear which I know will make me feel better about myself.

There was an Infinite Monkey Cage episode about science & beauty/love.

I can't remember exactly how it goes, but experiments have shown that people with one "outlier" feature (which most would consider a flaw) get considerably more attention than symmetrically faced beauties on dating sites. Apparently we find "differences" attractive and interesting.

Classic good looks are wonderful on screen and in magazines, but in real life they don't seem to have the same allure.

So pleased you've made an appointment to see a counsellor, OP.
My body dysmorphic disorder was actually cured by psychotherapy (rather than counselling) and I am at a place now where sometimes I feel beautiful and other times I think I look a bit shit but I'm not really bothered. And I was suicidal about my appearance for years.
Remember if one counsellor doesn't work out, they mightn't be the right person for you, and another might be perfect.
I know we are all different but I hope finding the right person to talk to helps you make peace with your looks.

I thought my daughters boyfriend was quite plain looking when i first met him . I was surprised because he is not the type of lad i thought she would go for as dd is an out and out stunner ( not motherly pride many people have commented on it ).
But he is the nicest lad you could ever meet and now i look at him and cant believe i ever thought he was plain !
He is actually a v attractive lad . His personality and lovely nature just shine from him.

It sounds very much like the comments from family members particularly your mum and gran could well be at the root of how you feel about your looks. As I said earlier that was exactly my DMs experience. Her sister had the perfect looks in their opinion and didn’t keep this to themselves. My DM felt ugly and not good enough for the rest of her life. If I put a picture up here of her I don’t think anyone would deem her anything less than very attractive. And I’m not just sayIng that because she was my DM. Apart from her DPs everyone else could see her as she was. I’m so glad you are getting some counselling. You don’t deserve to feel as if you have to judge yourself so harshly.

I really understand where you're coming from, OP. In my case, I get hung up on my weight, which I really struggle to keep under control. And even when I'm a healthy weight I hate my belly. My DM hasn't helped with this, as she's always made comments about my size.

When I met my DH, I was slim, and I made the mistake of asking me if he would have been attracted to me if I was big. He said he didn't like big women. As it's turned out, my weight has fluctuated since then and my dress size has varied between sizes 10 and 18, and my DH has still loved me, because he now loves me for who I am.

I also get zits at times which embarrass me, and I now have a slight double chin. I'm realistic enough to know that I'm not slim and in my early thirties like I am in the wedding photos, but I do now understand that my DH isn't worried about that. And actually his own weight has fluctuated in the last few years, and his hairline is receding, but I really don't notice it.

When you have a close relationship with a partner or friend, it really doesn't matter any more about appearances. With my DH it's his love for me and his DDs, his loyalty to his family and friends, and his dry sense of humour that I love.

I bet the same is true for your DH, and your family and friends. I also don't think they even notice the imperfections that you worry about, because they love you for who you are.

And very often the imperfections we obsess about are not even noticeable to anyone else (like my zits and facial hair )

One final point, I know my DH has got tired of me going on about my appearance.