AIBU to feel depressed because I'm ugly

[Boo89]

I have a very ugly face. I looked normal as a child, but developed a very large and hooked, witchy nose and ultimately look very unattractive. I wear full makeup everyday which helps a little bit, but there's not much I can do about it aside from plastic surgery. It's not just the nose, otherwise I would have a nose job, my whole face is odd. It's affected my confidence as I don't like people looking at me, and consequently I'm very reserved and introverted.

My life is okay. I'm 28 and have an okay job, although I'm not great at it. I got married last year and I think my husband likes me in spite of my appearance (not sure why, but best not to question it).

But I still feel depressed about my appearance. I'm not sure why, I mean I'm married and surely as long as my husband loves me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks? But I still feel awful every time I see a picture of myself, and I have even felt suicidal over this (amongst other things).

I think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

AIBU? Should I just get over it and count my losses?

You sound like you would benefit from some therapy or counselling, I suspect you have body dysmorphya or similar. It’s not normal to feel this unhappy with how you look or to have it affect you in this way. Please go and see your GP and talk to them.

Great idea to talk to a counsellor. Without wanting to sound trivial or flippant, perhaps what might help also is help in developing a style for clothes. IME, when I get low about my appearance (and with me it focuses on hair - my hair is very, very thin, and I gaze despondently at my sparkling scalp through the scanty strands in strong lighting thinking that the advent of permanent headscarfs is not far off for me), I tend to dress in really downtrodden stuff, baggy t shirts, jeans, trainers. Psychologically it really doesn't help. That might be an aspect that needs exploring, among others. But a counsellor is a great idea. Good luck!

Except @Awwlookatmybabyspider my post didn't say anything like your weird responses, but yet again, you're posting aggressive weirdness on here.

Don't worry though, I don't intend to engage with you any more.

to answer the actual question, yes you are being unreasonable - but fears such as these don't always listen to reason.

you aren't ugly, no-one is. But you do deserve and needs some help.

Aggressive responses. I'd like times dates and proof of all this aggression, please.

I can't help wondering if you look much nicer than you think and things people have said or done are experienced by most of us, but some people just brush it off as nonsense, but some of us take it heart. It's impossible to say whether you look much nicer than you think you do, but like a few other people I don't think I have ever met anyone I would describe as ugly.

Counseling might help you decide whether a nose job would make you feel better.

I feel ugly. I look at celebrities and models in the media and I don't look like that. In actual fact I'm probably average, not ugly. I just feel ugly because I'm comparing myself to an unrealistic standard. Doesn't make me feel any better though. But ultimately there's nothing I (or you) can do about it, so there's no point being upset about it. Just make the best of what you have! There are worse things in life...

She doesn't call my ugly, but she had just never used the word beautiful to describe me, despite using it regularly when talking about my sisters.

Good reminder to all Mums on here that our words or lack thereof can have lifelong impact.

I am sure your DH thinks you're beautiful. I think my DH is pretty decent but hardly ever tell him so, maybe I should more often.

I think you're missing the point, Noeuf

We do live in a shallow, looks obsessed society but the vast, vast majority of us are not what anyone would call "lookers". Only people with particularly low self-esteem let it affect them to the degree that they feel actively depressed about it.

Reassurance that, generally speaking (rude dickheads aside), others aren't as judgemental about our looks as we suppose them to be is helpful because it's true.

I am not sure what else you would expect anyone to say..."Oh, you're ugly? Oh well...someone has to be"? That just feeds the idea that less than perfectly symmetrical features are a reason to be depressed. It's possible to wish you were better looking without feeling distraught that you're not.

I grew up with seriously deformed feet ( bunions and crossed toes by my teens). Although I was fairly attractive top half, my feet affected every part of my life; sleepovers, people who expect shoes off in the house, swimming, beaches, barefoot PE and dance, summer generally , one night stands, buying shoes in a shop. Literally everyday.

Inevitably I had them done in my 40's.I would say yes it does make life easier because I don't think about them now. But what I did find was the absence of "worry" about my feet hasn't actually changed anything.I have no more or less friends than before. My job is neither better nor worse. I am still with the same guy.
I think you should probably find a way to get your nose fixed. It will help your MH. You may be surprised to realise that your nose has less influence on your life than you think though.

Attractiveness is a completely different thing from beauty. Personally, I'm not really attracted to really handsome men - I tend to find them bland. And surely there was a reason why your husband was attracted to you?

I think talking to someone is a good idea. Also, I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of a rhinoplasty if your nose is very prominent or hooked. You say that the rest of your face is also ugly, but I seriously doubt it, and it might change things considerably. It might be worth talking to a cosmetic surgeon and see what they think (but make sure they are good professionals and will give you a sensible, objective opinion).

think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

I’m so sorry you feel so bad about the way you look. It sounds like body dysmorphia to me. It’s a good thing to get counselling so well done for taking that step.

And although I know what you mean about things being changeable, for people with acne or even hormonal weight issues these aren’t necessarily things they can do anything about either, so I’m sure they might also feel very judged on a daily basis.

I know how you feel. I consider myself bulk standard average, and not beautiful at all.

However, to use a cliche, beauty is only skin deep. Some of the nicest people in the world, are those would come last in a beauty contest,

I am sympathetic as I've wasted a lot of my life believing I'm unattractive. Even I can see I was wrong all those years ago! I have also had a few negative comments over the years, and knitted them together as 'proof', even though I've had a lot of attractive boyfriends so presumably I wasn't all that hideous.

It is a form of body dysmorphia and I don't let it affect how I live my life any more. At one point, I just stopped worrying about it endlessly and using it as a stick to beat myself. I still don't feel gorgeous, although I can feel attractive at times, but it just is more irrelevant now I'm older and have more going on in my career and life than whether I'm conventionally a stunner.

Beauty is relative. It is sad that our ideals of beauty is dictated by the media, and there is so much pressure to look a certain way. I think as long as you look groomed and well dressed, you will look beautiful. I always notice confident people and I find them very attractive despite how they look. Work on your self confidence and stop thinking that the whole world is judging you

A crooked nose, a wonky smile, a fat arse, cross eyed, none of these things make a person ugly. What makes a person ugly is a nasty personality. If you are kind and confident and happy, no one will ever notice your slight imperfections

I was always what I imagine people would call ‘plain’ but then I did two things; fell into some glass that shattered over me when I was a toddler necessitating 40 stitches in my scalp and face and I’m badly scarred even now at 51 and as I age the scars are more noticeable. Then as a teenager I had a bad riding accident and broke my nose which mended itself badly.

So what nature gave me (not much) I’ve buggered up. When I was 25 I had a nose job, I know it’s fashionable to say we regret this kind of cosmetic intervention but I’ve never regretted it. I’m not suggesting you have a nose job by the way but I’m just saying how positive it was for me.

These days I’m a CBT therapist working with lots of different clients with depression and anxiety. I have seen a few people who struggle with body dysmorphia and I know how difficult it is when something about your perceived appearance really gets in the way of living your life (I’m not suggesting you have BD). I often act as a stooge with other therapist’s BD clients by taking part in some of the behavioural exercises about managing others’ perceived judgement. The client ends up having to manage their feelings about being judged whilst confronted by me (who may be judging them for all they know) but whilst noticing that I am badly scarred and not conventional looking. As they realise that their judgement of me is inconsequential or mild to non-existent it often collapses the notion that the focus is so heavily on them (if the way I see/judge/comprehend YouOKHun is complex then how can I assume what others think of me?). Of course there is far more to the therapy than that but I mention it because, in a longwinded way what I’m saying is that you are mind-reading and cannot possible predict what others think of you. You can however change the way you think of yourself.

I know we live in a world where we are bombarded by the few who happen to fit an ideal but if you look around, really look, 99.9% of us are a long way from that blueprint.

I think others are right, it would be good to get some psychological support; supportive counselling or some direct thought/behaviour/belief challenging through CBT or REBT. REBT is particularly helpful with its emphasis on self acceptance. Better to address your core beliefs about yourself and others than to engage in some temporary self esteem lift. And don’t be persuaded to post your picture here, what others’ think of you is none of your business ;) and it would serve no useful purpose. Sorry, droned on a bit ...

It is a generally accepted truth in my family and social set that I am ugly-looking.

I was bullied at school, and teased by family about my looks, people would stare at me in the street and strangers ask me what happened to my face. (I have a prominent and vivid coloured disfigurement)

I have crooked teeth, because, with my looks, it wasn't worth braces etc to my parents, (my brother is physically beautiful, and has lovely straight teeth)

I have possibly over-compensated by becoming a people pleaser, - and have been quite miserable and unhappy for long stretches of my life. I'm now approaching 60, and have been 'invisible' for around 20 years.This has been a relief.

No amount of reassurance from others that looks dont matter, its your personality that counts etc helps,( in my experience)

I've forged a life and career that focussed on helping others- the lost and broken dont care what you look like because it is your help that matters, and I have a kind of inner peace with myself.

My DP loves me absolutely, and mostly I have great confidence in this, though on bad days I am wracked with doubt and wonder why he is with me.

I feel your pain OP, and hope you find deliverance from how you feel about your looks, and peace with who you are.

Almost no body is ugly, its very unlikely that you are. something that was suggested to me by a friend when i had low self esteem was to look in the mirror and talk to myself like i was somebody else. You'll find that when you do you are an awful lot kinder.
We all find seeing our own flaws very easy and we convince our selves that every one else cares about them as much as we do, but next time you walk down the street try to notice how most people you see look completely normal. If you pay close attention you could probably see what worries them about their appearance, but even if you can see it, does it bother you? No, most people have very little opinion on how other people look, we just project our own insecurities on to the words and actions of others, it's called confirmation bias, we have an opinion that we believe to be fact so we look for evidence from other people, more often than not that evidence we find is really meaningless.
Another thing that might help is looking for celebrities with similar features to you and realise that when you seem them on that person they seem beautiful(eg lea michele, chelsea peretti, erin o connor) , the only difference being the perspective you're looking at it from.
of course if non of this works and the councilor can't help (but I think they probably will at least a bit, they are professionals at this), there is always various surgeries.

I consider myself to be on the uglier side of average in the looks scale. I also struggle in the fashion area, whilst having a wardrobe of clothes I never seem to have anything that is suitable for anything I do/go to... so I always feel wrongly attired for the occasion.

But having a loving husband, good kids, a generally loving extended family and friends in my life, I don't give it much thought.

I like to think that my actions speak louder than my looks, which are fairly ugly (in my own opinion).

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

And you sound so lovely, and loved!

That was Roald Dahl by the way.

You're not unreasonable to feel depression. Depression needs any old justification it can find to make it seem like it has foundation.

However, self-image issues are probably something most of us suffer from at in some form or other, and at some time or other in our lives. Some longer than others, and with deeper negative effect too.

Very few people are genuinely so vastly different from others that they stand out noticeably. The vast majority (and almost certainly you too) fall somewhere on a scale between 90% of people thinking you're physically attractive, down to 10% do).

10% of just the UK thinking you're fine is a hell of a pool!

Besides, withy half a decent personality, that would soon be 50% or more...
For the percentage that could never see beyond just the looks (and yes, they do exist) - sod 'em.

We are all different for a reason - to make us unique and help us find someone that sees us in a unique way.

Don't be book cover beautiful, be human beautiful. Don't be fancied by people who want you as a cover image, be fancied by someone who wants to actually read the contents and turn every page. Be a beautiful story.

Looks do matter. But only to the wrong people.
There's a lot of wrong people about, but more than enough right ones.

OP I had a stunningly beautiful friend at uni. Movie actress/model type beauty. I'm pretty average (attractive to some, not to others). I used to have massive boobs that attracted a lot of attention. When I walked into a room/bar/club with her I became invisible: every man and most women would turn to look.

And I didn't see it until a bit later but she was one of the ugliest people I've ever met.

Maybe your face doesn't meet conventional beauty standards now - and I'm not denying there can be an impact because of that - but I couldn't care less what my friends' noses or faces are like, unless they're making them unhappy.

And remember Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing? She got rid of the crook in her nose and lost her career: it was what made her stand out.

Do whatever makes you feel good, but remember an unconventional face isn't the worst thing someone can have.