AIBU to feel depressed because I'm ugly

[Boo89]

I have a very ugly face. I looked normal as a child, but developed a very large and hooked, witchy nose and ultimately look very unattractive. I wear full makeup everyday which helps a little bit, but there's not much I can do about it aside from plastic surgery. It's not just the nose, otherwise I would have a nose job, my whole face is odd. It's affected my confidence as I don't like people looking at me, and consequently I'm very reserved and introverted.

My life is okay. I'm 28 and have an okay job, although I'm not great at it. I got married last year and I think my husband likes me in spite of my appearance (not sure why, but best not to question it).

But I still feel depressed about my appearance. I'm not sure why, I mean I'm married and surely as long as my husband loves me it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks? But I still feel awful every time I see a picture of myself, and I have even felt suicidal over this (amongst other things).

I think that unless you have experienced being ugly (not changeable things like being overweight, or having acne etc, but just being unavoidably ugly) you can't know how awful it feels to be judged every day for something you can't change.

AIBU? Should I just get over it and count my losses?

Op, I have a nose like a Happy Honker Muppet... no kidding, it is large and bulbous and pretty awful, and as a child I remember my Dad remarking on it. It had quite an affect on my self confidence and self image.
MyDD1 has inherited my nose.. if anything hers is even bigger, but she has NO issues with it, she is confident and attractive ( similar age to you) about to get married, and the only difference I can see is that she has accepted her nose..yeah it's big, so what!

If you want a nose job..have one! But I think CBT would be just as helpful; it'ssomething I would like at some point for myself.

Also, even with my happy honker, I am finding as I get older I care less and less... ageing is fab for that!

Posted too soon. I mean that sometimes when we become too hung up on our appearance, we can end up going on too much about it, and that can be annoying to those around us as well.

I think there’s a strong psychological element to how you think about your looks

^this

I'm a survivor of child abuse. Due to a strong family resemblance, whenever I look in the mirror I see someone, not only ugly, but frightening, repulsive and hated.

To top it off I also have some prominent facial scarring from an accident.

I don't look in the mirror much.

Other people do not see me how I see myself. They don't see the scars unless I point them out, they don't see the face of a monster. I understand this, even If I cant see it myself.

They just see me, whereas I see all my emotional baggage, shitty history and sorrow.

Strong features can look very attractive on a woman. Just because you don't like them doesn't mean that others don't. Your husband clearly thinks you are beautiful, no doubt others do too.

YANBU.

Life is easier for more attractive people. They’re more likely to get jobs, have their choice of partner, they’re even more likely to be interacted with as a baby or toddler than an ugly child.

It’s the way of the world, it sucks. We prize stereotypically attractive features because they indicate good health (facial symmetry, clear skin, a healthy weight) and the likelihood of bearing healthy children.

So YANBU to be upset and depressed by it. It is depressing.

If you really are so unhappy with the way you look, do something about it. They can work wonders these days! Start with the nose, and see how it goes!

It’s not all about the face or being slim Boo ...your DH may love your arse, your hair, your skin, eyes, hands, neck...seriously, attraction is a very odd science.
I’d honestly try to work on your own self confidence, really
I have a very good friend who is sizzling hot - I mean it - men flock around her - she’s not slim or conventionally pretty - but she ooozes confidence and sex appeal, it’s like a signal radiating from her 😂

You seem like s lovely person too...intuitive, empathic, self aware - just go for it - so what if your nose is big??? Embrace it - smile, laugh a lot, walk with your head high and your breasts out!! You’ll see the difference in how people react to you. Big hug x

I guess that good lookers do have an easier life.
Didn’t that Samantha brick woman in the daily mail say that it wasn’t all great being attractive? She was slated at the time etc but I guess it’s not all honey either for a whole host of other reasons.

All I have to say is that the people you think are beautiful are probably not naturally beautiful. They use cosmetics, hair dye, extensions, have their teeth veneered etc, there are very few naturally beautiful people.

Someone like Linda lusardi I think is a proper natural beauty even though she’s older now. She was on the detectorist show as a cameo part no make up on or anything but so beautiful. It is rare - most folk are so so or have work done etc etc.
Sex appeal is a whole other ball game!

YABU. Who gives a shit if you are ugly?

I'm ugly too. I read these posts from women bemoaning growing old and losing their looks, friends of both sexes tell me the same thing, and it's like they are speaking another language. I cannot imagine having my self worth be completely dependent upon my appearance- it's just so pathetic.

• Do you have a healthy rewarding relationships?
• Do you treat people decently?
• Do you do contribute to the common good in some way?

If the answer is yes, you are bloody fine. If not, do something about it- but magically becoming pretty and having blokes leer at you won't make you happy.

Life is easier for more attractive people.

Very true. It also easier (on average, by some measures) for tall people, rich people, white people, straight people and men. Living in the developed west probably gives us all a much easier ride than most of the world.

If an 'easy' life made you fulfilled then half the world should just give up- yet if you meet people with a really shit deal they are often very happy. It is invariably those who concern themselves with making others happy who are the most fulfilled.

Quick story - A few years ago, I met a new friend, who I thought was one of the most strikingly handsome looking people I've ever met. She is half-Korean/half-Scottish, but looks very Korean.

Anyway, we sitting chatting over some wine one evening, and the subject of personal appearances came up. She proceeded to tell me at great length how ugly and awful-looking she had always felt she was, and how her father had offered to pay for her to have plastic surgery when she was in her early 20s, to even up her 'terrible crooked eyes and mouth', before pointing a tiny asymmetry in one of her eyes that I had never noticed, and probably never would have had she not pointed it out.

I was utterly gobsmacked, and told her how I had always thought she was incredible-looking - as well as being one of the funniest, most intelligent people I had ever met.

She then broke down in tears, and said nobody had ever told her that, and she had spent her entire life being convinced that people 'looked at her funny', because of her 'bizarre appearance'.

We are both almost 40, and she is an amazingly talented writer and performer, who regularly stands up in front of hundreds of people, and, from the outside, appears to be completely confident and self-assured in who she is.

As I say, I was gobsmacked, but it was also a valuable lesson in learning that your perception of yourself very rarely, if ever, matches up with how others see you.

I can hope you can find a way to be kinder to yourself, OP, because you obviously have people around you who like and respect you for who you are. I'm sure you are a kind, decent person, who cares for others, but you also have to care for yourself! Sending you love.

Thistle I hope you've changed some details because otherwise that is incredibly identifying...

The80sweregreat Samantha Brick was an odd one as I don’t think anybody who saw her interview or subsequent articles would say she was particularly attractive! Not unattractive but no more than average looks. So I think the flack was mostly people saying she was delusional.

Being extremely attractive does come with downsides, never knowing if people want to be with you for your looks or personality, maybe being disregarded at work as just a pretty face, constant sexual harassment and cat calling. But on the whole I’d say that the benefits outweigh the cons. It’s definitely easier to succeed in life if you’re attractive, for myriad small and large reasons.

Apply your own rigorous assessment skills as with any study or article, but this is a good start:

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/04/050412213412.htm

I was also going to comment that your friends may think you don't want to be in photos, but i see someone beat me to it. Presumably they are aware that you don't like photos of yourself or having them on Facebook so they probably think they're being nice. I personally think long hooked noses can be very attractive, but that's obviously not the point! The point is that looks don't matter a lot of the time. I don't mind what my friends look like. I've also suffered low self esteem (mostly not centred on my looks) and problems making friends despite thinking i was attractive. Everyone else has given good advice. If I were you I think I'd also weigh up really carefully whether I would rather spend the money on something else - I'm sure you have though. Personally I'd think twice if it made the difference between having a house deposit or not, but you might feel totally differently.

@GorgonLondon, yes, 'artistic interpretations' have been put in place, don't worry.

It'S totally in all odour primal instincts a d emotions to care about how we look and feel bad if we look bad or think we do.

Back in the day, our looks were unavoidably tied in with our survival

So, regardless of if you actually do look that bad or not, your emotions are totally valid.

However I would suggest remind yourself of the nice things about your appearance, make your clothes and hair nice, focus on your non-look related interests....
I tell you, when your in conversation with people they are gonna care more about what your talking about and your personality than what you look like.

Maybe there's other areas of your life you could improve, that will make you feel more fulfilled and interesting as an overall person and not just what you look like :)

I know it's cheesy but I honestly believe beauty lies within. And I'm not an attractive person but feel fairly confident about myself as although I don't like my nose or face shape, I like other things about me, including personality.

I do love the ‘weird crush’ threads as some names that crop up on there make you think ‘what?’ sometimes!
It’s in the eye of the beholder.

As a fellow person with a big nose, I am a bit depressed to read all the comments on here saying "get a nose job". I could possibly have scraped together enough money together to have one, but I've always thought, fuck it, why should I have surgery to conform to someone else's sense of what is attractive? Now I'm happily settled with a husband who finds me attractive and two fantastic children so I barely waste any time thinking about my nose.

I agree with getting some counselling as low-self esteem is at the heart of these issues. Fwiw, both my uncle and my brother have had nose jobs (although they had a different type of nose to me!). They were seriously lacking in self-confidence and thought it was down to their appearance. Years after the surgery, they both still suffer from very low self-esteem. The surgery didn't help at all, they just found something else they didn't like about themselves to fixate on.

I'm not sure it's all about self-esteem.
People do make comments about people's size / shape / looks etc. It's not all paranoia or esteem, it's other people's ignorance or prejudice and general lack of tact.

However, if you're drop dead gorgeous, people will criticise you for being 'full of yourself', if you're too tall, too short, too this or that, they'll find a reason to criticise. It seems that people like to push others down in order to feel elevated. Maybe it's more a symptom of society at large - where very few folks actually seem particularly content with themselves.

You'll find far more articles in the media telling us all what we are doing wrong (with helpful suggestions on how to do things the 'right' way), or how we don't look right, or don't eat right etc. The net result is that we seem to do so much wrong, our only solace is to mock those that seem to be doing even more wrong, or look further away from perfection than we are.

Just wanted to say that I understand, because I feel the same.

I fancy Bjork!
She's quirky, intelligent, talented. I find that appealing, and her looks really don't come into it. That's not to say I'm not attracted physically, it's more that someone becomes physically appealing due to the rest of their character (or in my case, my perception of her, as I don't know her personally!)

Nicole Scherzinger? - doesn't do a thing for me.

@BrilliantMistake I'm with you on the Nicole thing,does absolutely nothing for me. Ellen Degeneres on the other hand I adore...even though she's nearly double my age,I find her stunning,hilarious and her eyes are breathtaking

You can get a temp nose job with filler which is cheaper
You can change how you look or just cry about it everyday