To ask if young women make you feel sad too

[VogueVVague]

So im at the gym following my workout chatting to the guy who mans the desk and this young woman (her maybe 19, me 31) arrives. Ive met her before and shes lovely.

But it made me feel a wave of sadness. I felt wistful remembering me at that age, all sparkly eyed and charmingly open and fresh faced.

I feel like an attractive woman, i like my face and my body. But inevitably ive lost that dewy clearness of youth and the sparky unawareness that comes with it.

I mean inevitably im a little more blase and womanly now.

And dont get me wrong, i dont go home and sob into the taffeta dress i wore for my 18th birthday party. But sometimes this hits me, a bittersweet feeling, and i watched this guy start focussing more on her so i ducked out and cycled home pondering this. I realised i would never be able to recapture that vibe.

Is it a normal feeling? How does it develop as you get older? I think back now to when i was her age and i remembet recognising yhis feeling in the eyes of some of tye women i met in bars who were older than me.

Its not sadness really its feeling wistful.

I look and feel better than i was at 19. I think its harder being 19 now than before. Also just because a woman is younger shes automatically better looking (which in itself is subjective). I think its more about you op perhaps feeling self conscious/old (when you arent!).
And not all young women are carefree or innocent...... its an attitude some 40+ can have that optimistic laid backness about them all along.

Shes NOT automatically ...

I prefer who I am now, with age comes confidence and wisdom. And I love being middle aged and invisible to cat callers.

I'm delighted to have come to the end of having babies etc but still be young enough to have a body that is strong and to have my health. Looking after my elderly mother is very sad and poignant and it makes me appreciate my strength and vigor.

Middle age has many good points.

I totally get you OP. It’s just another right of passage. Natural really, for men to be prehistorically programmed to be attracted to nubile young ladies. We seen to a sell by date, men don’t (which isn’t fair).

Doesn’t stop me being mainly happy and making the most of myself.

I do but only with everything I know now I wasted so much time back then

I agree though that youth is wasted in the young. Would like to be young with my self knowledge and self confidence I have now. But to really be 19 again no.

sparkly eyed and charmingly open and fresh faced

Nope, those things dont mean anything to me. I'm happy as I am now (50s) and although I'd like more time than I've now got left, I wouldnt change anything else. Life is good and I am content.

Twoo actually i dont think older men are in a better position.. theyre not seen as unexpired (going by your analogy) but actually as creepy if they hit on much younger women.... younger guys 18 to 25 are still generally physically better looking than a 35+ bloke.. but thats ok because hopefully theyve gained wisdom and confidence along with the belly, wrinkles and grays.

I'm more sparkly eyed, charmingly open and fresh faced now than I was at 19.

But I do completely understand how you feel.

Op i think its just her, the woman you saw possibly having a good day too. You could be a 16 years old single mum of colicky twins and the lack of sleep and tiredness would show vs a 28 years old no kids good job ..

I prefer being my age - mid 40s, I'm happy I don't obsess over appearance like I did in my 20s, I feel like I wasted some of my life doing this. When I was young, slim and attractive I didn't accept that I was.

I think age has brought me more confidence, I feel much better about myself and I prefer that people don't look at me so much or judge me on my appearance. Also, women like me more now I'm older and uglier.

I k ow what you mean.

I’d kill for my invisible pores I had in my teens.

I think its quite sad to measure yourself in terms of the reaction you get from men. Does it really matter if some random bloke is giving more attention to a pretty young thing? Chances are she either thinks he is an idiot or is oblivious anyway.

My girls are 19 and 22 and considered good looking. I've seen then interacting with men; most of the time they find the attention an absolute pain in the arse. DD2 is gay anyway and DD1 is very cynical about "playing nice" to avoid the "you're a fat ugly bitch anyway" that goes with a polite brush off.

No actually because I was extremely awkward and depressed when younger.... and I dont think many younger women are super comfortable in their own bodies.... I worried about my weight constantly in a way which I do not now. I didnt really have my style together either and looked ridiculous a lot.
Im only just 30 though so I guess I could start feeling wistful as I get older.... I dont know though.... ive kind of liked getting older ive a lot more confidence

Sadly I had really bad acne and self esteem for most of my late teens and early thirties so I never experienced anything that you described in your OP. Therefore I have no wistful memories of any of that time.

I wouldn't want to be me at age 19 again. But if I could be me now in my 19 year old body, then that would be great. I would have loads of sex with good looking young men.

I am nearly 50, OP. I wouldn’t go back to my younger self - every year and every experience has made me better and stronger.

I do feel a little wistful about the loss of my youthful body though. I am still fit, still strong, still (thankfully) alive, but now irrevocably and dramatically scarred after some very major surgery. Not something I would have envisaged at 19 or at 31. Enjoy what you’ve got while you’ve got it!

It helps if you've never been a dewy princess 😆 seriously, I was a dumpy insecure teenager, I enjoyed a period of being a less dumpy but still quite insecure 20 something where I got most of my "getting looks from men" stuff done, and now I am a dumpy frumpy 30 something mummy and I just don't GIVE a shit 😂

What I get wistful about is the FREEDOM of young people. I live near a university, and as I walk through the park by campus in his great weather I see them sitting in packs with little portable barbeques and bottles of cider in the middle of the day, nothing to do but read a few books, maybe throw in a couple of shifts at the pub, worry about their love lives, and just totally please themselves (or at least that's how I remember it being, it's probably actually a lot trickier now a decade or so later in the age of the endless Tory government 🙄).

That's when a shaft of pure envy goes through me, not because I want it NOW (love being a mum) but because I want to go back THEN and do it again and really APPRECIATE it this time, with my knowledge that actually so little of it would matter in the long run and so much of it would look like the best days of my life in retrospect.

I suppose we all miss what we failed to properly appreciate at the time!

We went out last night as a rare treat for a meal.

I was wearing something simple (leggings and off shoulder top) but my hair was perfect, and my make up was perfect and I felt on top of the world. I felt sexy. More confident than I’ve ever felt. At 37.

And men were looking. Not that that was the idea, but I could tell.

At 19 I was naive. I don’t want to go back there.

Despite my wobbly belly and my droopy boobs (fixed by suck me in leggings and a push me up bra) I feel much much better than I did at 19. As now I dress for me. I feel happy with me. Confident in my body and me as a person.

I know exactly what you mean OP, although my early twenties were difficult so I’d probably opt for a late twenties re-run!

I think it’s the feeling of freedom, opportunity, possibility ... the inability to really imagine being ‘old’ or your youthful actions having serious consequences. And yes, the slow dwindle of male attention can make one feel a bit wistful. I was 8 stone for most of my twenties yet always felt self conscious in a bikini - how I’d kill to wear one now after a 9 lb 11oz baby!! Ok the cream cakes probably don’t help either ...

Time certainly does seem to speed up - although I’m only 35 in some ways I can’t believe how fast the years are going by. And I do feel a wistful pang of envy when around the ‘youth of today’

I remember that sassyness of being in my early 20s. And thinking the world was at my feet. I think im even more amazing now. No idea why i dont get male attention

Nope.

At 19 I was skinny and looked like I was 15. At 31 I actually looked about 25, had more muscle tone and physical endurance. I had great fun doing lots of sports, having money to go out etc.

I spend my late teens and early 20s drinking too much and having shit family problems.

It took until I was about 41 until I was treated like a fucking adult. Even now people think I'm my mid to late 30s.

Oh and if you want to be invisible to men just be ill.

I've recently seen photos of me aged 20 or so at Uni party. Much prettier than I ever remember being and totally waif like (i'm always berating my daughters not to get too thin).

I'm sitting on a sofa all crossed legs and arms and my body language is completely, "No just go away" though I'm smiling inanely. And this big blonde bloke is totally looming over me in quite a predatory fashion. Even worse I remember getting off with him and even half heartedly dating him for a while.

I wouldn't want to be that young again.

I get that feeling too sometimes but as you say more a feeling of time passing me by.

I find walking around a city I used to live in when I was young odd. I almost feel like a ghost and as Milan Kundera once said an unbearable lightness of being!

If it helps I'm 23 and hope to god that I gain some confidence and stability by the time I'm 30. I constantly feel anxious and like I'm in a car careening off of a cliff because I don't know what I'm doing. I have bad eczema so look more parched than dewy and already have a few lines because of how dry my skin is. I have a wonderful life empirically but frankly I'm always second guessing everything and spiralling into a negative thought loop. Glad to read many posts saying happiness comes with experience.