To ask if young women make you feel sad too

[VogueVVague]

So im at the gym following my workout chatting to the guy who mans the desk and this young woman (her maybe 19, me 31) arrives. Ive met her before and shes lovely.

But it made me feel a wave of sadness. I felt wistful remembering me at that age, all sparkly eyed and charmingly open and fresh faced.

I feel like an attractive woman, i like my face and my body. But inevitably ive lost that dewy clearness of youth and the sparky unawareness that comes with it.

I mean inevitably im a little more blase and womanly now.

And dont get me wrong, i dont go home and sob into the taffeta dress i wore for my 18th birthday party. But sometimes this hits me, a bittersweet feeling, and i watched this guy start focussing more on her so i ducked out and cycled home pondering this. I realised i would never be able to recapture that vibe.

Is it a normal feeling? How does it develop as you get older? I think back now to when i was her age and i remembet recognising yhis feeling in the eyes of some of tye women i met in bars who were older than me.

Its not sadness really its feeling wistful.

You are 31 years old - how will you cope when you're actually old ffs!

You are still young - make the most of it and enjoy the confidence and self assuredness that being 19 can never bring.

I'm 33 and I feel 10 times better than I ever did in my teens or twenties.

I feel sorry for young girls now. I don't envy them or want to go back either. I was dumb and naive at 19.

Despite what you're being told on this thread, I think it's fairly normal to mourn one's youth (if only an idealised version of it).

At the same time, its typical to become more confident and secure as you get older, so hold on to that instead.

I just wish I'd worn a bikini more in my 20s. I never thought my body was 'good enough' (and I was eight stone back then). 2 pregnancies and 2 c sections later I realise I hadn't a clue.

At that age I was convinced I was incredibly ugly, and was so anxious and self-conscious that I could hardly hold a conversation. So glad those days are gone! At almost 50 I look good for my age, but the really big difference is in the way I approach people: these days I'm happier in myself and thus far more likely to get a smile. I feel attractive to men my age.

If anything I'm sorry that I wasn't more confident back then. But on the other hand, then I'd be like you, just looking back on the good old days all the time instead of focusing on what's positive about the present.

Why would it bother you that this man gave a younger woman more attention than you. It certainly wouldn't bother me.
Just tells me he was a complete dick tbh.

when men look at me now they see a fully grown woman (hopefully!) on their level. Never again will i be on the receiving end of that kind of totally charmed look that ive only ever really seen younger women get.

Suggests it might be helpful to have a think about how you think men value women and how that plays into your self worth?

I love not being looked at like a piece of meat anymore tbh

The men that go for dewy-eyes innocence are arseholes.

I wish I could go back to my younger self and give her a few "LTB" and feminist type lectures.
The sad thing about being over 30 is that I've finally learnt to sort the wheat from the chaff, but the wheat all got married in their 20s...

Hmmm I had a lot of fun when I was 19. I’d just started university and was having a ball. So much so, I didn’t graduate till I was 24 .

But re being more sexually attractive to men. Well, I was an unattractive teenager. Really, I’m not being modest. I was very unattractive to everyone except my parents, who obviously thought I was beautiful, bless them. If you saw photos, I’m sure you’d find something nice to say, but objectively, I was less traditionally good looking than the vast majority of my classmates. I sort of blossomed in my early twenties and I think men found me much more sexually attractive then. But I have had so many bad, (nothing terrible, just not good), experiences with rubbish men that tbh, I don’t think them finding me attractive was a particular blessing. I think there’s a reason some, not very nice, men particularly like young women and it’s because they are often naive and easily manipulated by them. I’m a lot stronger now (34) and do not want any man to find me attractive, (other than my husband), these days. I actually think if I split with my husband or if I was widowed, I wouldn’t seek out another partner. I’d rather they treated me as a fellow human being than just someone they could potentially have sex with, which I think is all it sometimes was when I was in my early twenties. Only with some men of course. Obviously there are lots of decent men out there too, but the type I seemed to frequently attract at my most shiny and attractive really weren’t.

Before I take the stairs I need a pep talk and my inhaler!

I'm 40. I sometimes wish I had my younger body, especially now the aftermath of recent pregnancy is taking it's toll but I would never want to be young again.

Any time I find myself looking at a young woman and feeling a pang of sadness about getting older I remind myself that growing older is a privilege as some people have their lives cut short. I also remind myself that they too will get older at some point too, youth doesn't last forever. It usually helps me put things in perspective but I do get what you mean.

I feel a little like that. I have teens and They are at the very beginning. God I love them.

I am late 40’s and have more recently have an overwhelming sense as I can see the end.

(Fuck you anxiety provoking peri-menopause).

The young woman I have most to do with is my dd, who is beautiful and charming but definitely not dewy-eyed. 21 years of fighting disability and MH issues and prejudice doesn't leave you with much innocence. I would love to have her strength and intelligence but I sure as hell wouldn't love to have her life.

She has known all her life that her options are going to limited, but is pushing against limitations, working to find ways around them, never giving up. Compared to the rather vague, dreamy, rather self-satisfied young woman I was- well, there is no comparison. It was a luxury I could afford, to take a long time to grow up.

I enjoyed my life as a young woman, but the things that were valuable to me then- work, dreams, art, nature, dh- still give as much pleasure to my 50yo self.

I know exactly how you feel op. As you get older, you get increasingly invisible and unnecessary to the world until you disappear altogether.

If I go out with dd now, in her 20s, I am lucky if I can attract and sustain the attention of a male shop assistant.

I would give anything to be that age again, the happiest time in my life. I didn't have as much stuff but my god life was fun and carefree and full of possibilities.

No , younger women don't make me feel sad at all.

I feel happier than I ever have so am enjoying my mid/late 30s more than any other time in my life though.

If anything I feel sorry for younger women growing up in this increasingly social media/appearance obsessed world! Life was simpler when you had to go out and buy a magazine to look at an image of a 'perfect' celebrity.

Sorry, to answer your question op, younge women, if they are anything like I was, make me sad, but for them, not me! That’s actually what I thought the op was going to say when I clicked on the thread title. It’s all learning and experience I suppose, but I would rather I’d just fast forwarded to now and not bothered with shit men as a younger woman. I did make a lot of friends who I’m still in touch with, (the ones I still see regularly are mainly women and gay men though), and was very sociable, so I wouldn’t have missed that for anything.

Yes, I'm not sure about the dewy eyed 19 year old having men looking at her with their jaws dropping open.

When I look at my DDs, both in their 30s, I see two confident women who are happy with who they are now and what they have in life.

Pretty sure they value that more than a few lustful looks from passing strange men.

I do love the invisibility middle-age affords. I’ll speak my mind now, and I value my life experience and my own opinions. I wouldn’t go back, and I certainly don’t use Male attention as any sort of measure. (Not sure I ever did though).

Then what happens in your 40s?

Not much, if you look after yourself properly. I think it's the 50s when things really start to fall apart and get difficult. The thing I wasn't expecting was the drop-off in energy levels.

You are young now, OP. You're in your prime. Enjoy it! I wouldn't want to be 19 again, because I knew a lot more in my thirties, and I looked better. I'd love to be 31 again.

I loved my 30s and love my 40s even more so far. My 20s were very difficult and despite being pretty decent looking I didn't really get the kind of attention you're describing. But I think at 31 I was a lot more anxious about the prospect of being in my 30s than I am now about ageing generally so I will simply say, patronisingly, that you will leave this way of thinking behind as you sail magnificently into the next few years.

I use ancient Oriental meditation techniques to levitate to whatever floor I need to be on. I pity you all and your dependence on your legs.

My parents are in their 70s and when I ask them what age they would go back to if they could, they always (without hesitation) say their 50s.

It's also relative. A 19-year old might look great compared to a 30-year old but how does she/he look compared to other 19-year-olds? That's the 'market' they are competing in (if you choose to look at things that way).
And having men staring at you/fawning all the time is tiresome.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to Uni in my 18 year old body but know what I know now - basically guaranteed 1st from having the self-discipline to do 3 hours of work per day plus see off twatty men much more easily, but then I realised that I'd actually find everyone really tedious and vice versa so it wouldnt be that good after all.

I am early 30's and I hate even writing that. After about 28 I really hated getting older. I felt so sad turning 30. I hate the thoughts of getting older. Being in my 40's and especially my 50's just sounds horrendous to me. I just can not picture myself at say 47 or 55.

I think turning 36 will be hard. To me a 36yr old isn't young or youthful, they are just a kick in the arse of 40. I just know I will be worse about turning 36 than I was about turning 30. My whole attitude to aging drives my dh mad. We have jobs/house etc and yes we have problems in the extended family that are worries, we do have a great life. I have no idea why I am like this. I have a really massive fear of getting old and dying. I just hate that with each year I'm getting closer to it.

I would genuinely love to be one of those people that embrace getting older. I think it has a lot to do with the kids then being grown up and away at that age too.

I get you. I’m 33 with two children and a post partum body. I’m still in good shape and attractive, but not what I once was. I have a 25 year old brother and when I spend time with him and his 24 year old girlfriend I have a feeling of wistfulness about the things they can do, will do, could do, that I now can’t. I wouldn’t change my life, I am exactly where I want to be. But yes, that idea of freedom and energy and for me, idealism.