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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked 17 year old out all night

282 replies

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 08:58

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

OP posts:
educatingarti · 28/05/2018 11:26

www.offtherailskids.com/index.html
www.teenbratcampuk.co.uk
You've probably looked at these already but I wondered if either of these organisations could help.

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 11:30

OP I think you were right to lock him out, Natural consequences. If he wants to come home at night, he has to come home at a reasonable time.
Also sometimes there are no easy solutions, unlike some on this thread suggesting them.

trickyboots · 28/05/2018 11:30

No judgement, what do you think this behaviour is all about op? I thought your camp America idea was a good one. Would be interesting to know what he's escaping mentally or getting out of the drugs.

BasilFaulty · 28/05/2018 11:39

Sounds really hard for everyone involved OP

DoinItForTheKids · 28/05/2018 11:40

I cannot see this young lad having the skills and confidence to deal with going to Camp America. As others have said, they expect a lot from well rounded, confident, articulate camp leaders, not people who are currently at a stage in life that OPs son is at.

Other PP is right - there will indeed be years of stuff that's led to DS being like he is now and yes he is lost and yes he needs lots of love but he also needs boundaries and his mum is completely entitled to go to bed at a reasonable time and have a secure home. But just trying to put a lid on this behaviour isn't going to be enough, he needs someone to talk to who can unpick what's gone on in the past. That might be more formal counselling but often for kids like this a good hearted previously similarly experienced man can get through better than formal counselling type situations, especially if it's through the backdrop of an activity of some kind.

I wouldn't saying getting a strong new partner who can 'put him on the floor' is an idea to be lauded Hmm.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 11:43

Honestly it’s not always the parents fault. You might be friends with young Tommy and he is dealing, before you know if Tommy is flashing the cash and offering you a slice.

All very appealing to some young kids and before you know it you are sucked in.

Sometimes you are not even allowed to leave the gang even if you want to. They will come to your home and harass you, harrass your parents etc

They know no limits. No respect

Op are you in Scotland or Britain - this would be relevant in this case

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 11:45

Also it truly doesn’t mean that he is suffering emotional distress just because he’s behaving this way!

It’s just a choice he is making!

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 11:48

Agree this does not mean he is suffering emotional distress. The truth is hanging out with friends with no real responsibilities, taking drugs and drinking alcohol is fun. That is what many people don't seem to understand.
It is a very bad idea long term. But in the short term it is a fun way to live. Much more fun than studying hard.

AnathemaPulsifer · 28/05/2018 11:48

Try to persuade him he needs to go to NCS this summer (govt funded so only costs you £50, he'd be away mon-fri for 3-4 weeks) and have a proper try at turning his life around: www.ncsyes.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIjunasp2o2wIVrr_tCh2BPQL3EAAYASAAEgLSNPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 11:49

I have seen Princes Trust programmes help young people like this. But OP's son has to want to engage.
And OP needs to set boundaries. Locking him out is a boundary and a natural consequence.

StaplesCorner · 28/05/2018 11:50

Sounds to me like you are handling it as well as you can - a friend had almost exactly the same situation, word for word, then all of a sudden at 18 the boy became an estate agent - I am not joking. He was actually in a worse place than your son. Work saved him.

I do agree with those suggesting YMCA, at least make enquiries, but your other son who has done nothing wrong has to be considered as well.

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 11:51

Also some of these young people are not suffering from a lack of self confidence. They have unrealistically high self confidence and are arrogant. They think nothing really bad will happen to them and that they don't need to play by the rules.

corythatwas · 28/05/2018 11:57

"The answer lies with you OP and trying to get his step dad and bio dad involved. Why is that not working?"

Could it be anything to do with the young man assaulting his stepdad? Just a thought.

As some of you may know, I am the bleeding heart to end all bleeding hearts and have never been known to advocate punishment just "to show them".

But bleeding hearts work both ways. I also think the OP has a right to feel safe in her own home, I even think the stepdad has a right to feel safe in his home without being assaulted. I think both of them have a right to go to sleep without worrying that the local drug dealers and addicts are going to have the run of their house during the night.

And I absolutely agree with everybody else saying there doesn't have to be an explanation within the home for his behaviour: drugs are everywhere and we have known for rather a long time that drugs are addictive. You don't have to be a neglected child to become addicted to something that is chemically addictive. Drugs also lead to mood alterations and sometimes to violent behaviour. Drugs also bring you into contact with drug dealers, which means into contact with criminals.

It could be that he uses drugs to escape MH issues: it could equally be that he uses drugs to escape MH issues caused by those very same drugs.

If the "people are adolescents until 25" rule applies, what about the 19yo who has already been driven out of his home by his younger brother?

OP, this is a horrible situation. I might be prepared to go as far as saying "ring me on your mobile when you get home and I'll get up and unlock the door". But that is absolutely as far as I'd go. Any violence, any more stealing, any introduction of strangers into your home and I would feel obliged to make him homeless to protect the rest of the family.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 11:59

Exactly, it's very tempting to go into drugs when your young and impressionable. It's like smoking an addiction, try one, than it becomes a cycle, which assumes a certain lifestyle, like the op son is experiencing. There does not have to be anything behind it. None of this help or counselling will do good, if op son does not want. He us bearly an adult, there is very little she can do to stop him, he has to hit bottom before coming up, and it does not sound like he's there yet, coukd take years, or never. She has to self preserve and do what's best for her, mental health and safety.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 12:00

Meant nearly, not beArly.

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 12:05

Also all these schemes to help young people that have gone off the rails, tend to work better IME with young people who are genuinely neglected. Because they need an adult to take an interest and try to help them.
When young people already have an adult who is interested and wants to help, it is much harder.
And I agree that the OP and stepdad have a right to feel safe in their own home and to go to bed at a reasonable time. So I agree OP is right not to give him a key and to lock him out.

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 12:07

And trainspotting got it right when it said at the start that taking drugs is fun.

Downeyhouse · 28/05/2018 12:14

How about getting a digital lock. One where you can also open the door without a key but with fingerprints or a code?

QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 12:15

have a right to go to sleep without worrying that the local drug dealers and addicts are going to have the run of their house during the night.

I think this is a hyperbole.

If it has happened before, what was the outcome?

On a practical note, 11pm on a weeknight is reasonable but at a weekend there should be some lenience.

We had an 11pm curfew on weeknights (not that the DCs would go out much then) but they had a key at weekends. Coming in at 2am was normal , one night a week, and we put up with it. Occasionally they did forget to double lock the door.

I don't quite understand the bit about the son giving the key to all and sundry so they can ransack the house- is this a prediction or has it happened?

LighthouseSouth · 28/05/2018 12:18

Controversial view alert...

Thinking back to teen years and thinking of teens we know now

There's a range of "why" to taking drugs, from "it's fun but my life carries on" to "its fun and I love being a dealer". One of my own school friends turned out to be a major dealer in his 20s, never got caught, glam lifestyle till he decided to get clean.

There's the tortured type, there's the full on addicts etc etc

Any ideas where your son falls here? That would help decide what to do. You should probably even ask him. Thinking back to own mates, one gave up because he really did want a career, another didn't want to give up and is still in a squat in London but now funding it via some money he inherited, but he knew he'd always be a druggie and so did we, frankly.

Does he have a reason to stop? I will put my hand up and say I was always the one who could easily cross into addiction, I didn't because I wanted a career and I wanted to go to America and I don't think they let you in with convictions for drug use, may have changed now of course.

LighthouseSouth · 28/05/2018 12:20

Queen, it's not hyperbole, read the posts.

This "adolescence till 25" - where did it come from?

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 12:20

I know people who were druggies because it was fun, who stopped and got careers. Those who were druggies because of mental health problems or abuse are those least likely to give it up IME.

QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 12:24

OP I think you have to stick to your guns but with a clear message not one made up as various scenarios evolve.

Your son is communicating with you. He did ring to say he had missed the bus. Was it possible for him to get home before midnight when he rang at 11.40pm? That gave him 20 minutes. Did you think he could walk or whatever in 20 minutes?

I agree it is his responsibility to manage his time and catch the last bus. I also think a curfew on 11pm on a bank holiday Sunday is a bit severe. You need some compromise somewhere.

When you say he steals from you, what is he stealing? Money? Have you ever reported this to the police? Have they come and 'had a word'?

Is the simple answer to take your bag and purse up to your bedroom at night?

If he comes in late, and steals, are you not awake and can you not confront him and his mates at the time (or his step dad?)

Do you have serious conversations with him where you all sit down as a family to talk about his behaviour and where you go as a family from here? I'm sure you do, but I wonder what he says. Does he promise to change? So if he 'stole' one night, what happens the next day? What sanctions are there? What does he do for money? He's at college so are you funding his social life?

It's a confusing picture and I do feel for you but there are lots of gaps over what is going on.

QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 12:26

@lighthousesouth- the adolescence till 25 is well known- it's been in the media many many times. it's a result of research by psychologists.

www.theweek.co.uk/91092/adolescence-lasts-until-24-scientists-say

lapenguin · 28/05/2018 12:27

I'd say send him back to his dad's mum (I think that's the relation you said). I know it must be hard to hear him crying to come home, but it must be harder to watch him hanging with a bad crowd and living in fear every day. If he wants to come back home so bad there must be condotions. This way you aren't saying he can't come home but he has to learn that the world doesn't owe him anything and life has consequences.
Tell him he needs to get a job, save for a 'deposit' on his room and to continue to pay rent when he is eventually allowed home. He needs to prove he is still in work as well by providing his pay cheque however frequently he gets it.
If he comes back and hangs around with wrong people again and loses his job then he gets evicted just like anyone else would who can't pay rent. I would also look into having him sign a legal document (you can get templates) then it will feel more official, then if he goes against it you could take it further and show him how acting like a criminal means getting treated like one.
There's still time for him to turn his life around, but the longer he hangs around with the wrong people the less likely it will be. He definitely sounds like he is headed towards jail or worse (I know that's a horrifying thought) and he needs some tough love here.
It's a shame theres no military school around eh?