Locked 17 year old out all night

[BreadOfJesus]

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

Oh my goodness WannaBe I gather you have never had any issues or problems with your kids, I expect you are parent of the year. Op is clearly struggling, and has tried everything, nothing is working. She has MH problems herself which no doubt are exacerbated by her son's behaviour. Sometimes it takes others to help, and to take the burden before he can change.

How do you know that she has not tried all those things, and that she is able to move? Yes moving is so easy, you can do it, just like that!

Actually I've had the police at my door several times due to one of my DC Aeroflot. I know the OP's frustration. I have another DC who has taken me to hell and back (drug use too). Certainly not the parent of the year at all.

Longstanding MH issues from a crap childhood have been compounded by what I've put up with.

OP has asked for opinions. Just because mine differs from yours, don't bother making out I don't know what I'm talking about.

I’m so sorry, OP. This whole situation sounds like a nightmare. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you. I don’t have any practical solutions, but please know you have my sympathies. What s tough spot you’re in.

So you should be more understanding than wannabe, I hope things work out for them. Mabey putting him into SS care is just what he needs, staying with op might be exacerbating things. I have a dd with ASD and learning difficulties, she is 11, not quite a teen yet. But I know several parents who have had to send their child into residential care as their needs far exceeds what they can provide for them, due to mental health issues, they need that professional environment.

What makes you think I'm not understanding?

I am flabbergasted at the amount of responses saying to kick him out or shove him in the Forces, who I highly doubt would take him with drug use and a recent criminal conviction.

OP has referred to him a 'wrong un'. She nerds to look at what went wrong. There's always a reason.

@LighthouseSouth He doesn't have to attend. (Sorry but your posts are showing how little you know about all of this kind of thing...)

Where there is family therapy needed, the parents - as the 'grown ups' - are the ones who need to change their behaviour. The OP would be given ideas of how to manage her son and also look at the background to where they have got to now. This is not the same as saying it's her fault- it's a way forward.

If she doesn't want that, fair enough, but if so there are often parenting classes in many areas where parents support each other and professionals help with ideas.

Most teens go through a bad patch; this is at one end of the spectrum but as a family, they need help. The ideas about the army are ludicrous. The army is full of unhappy kids who were kicked out or who left their home, desperately looking for somewhere they 'belong' and are recognised as having some worth. It may work for some, and that is great. The army is not a sanitised form of Borstal which is what some posters here seem to wish it were, sorting out misbehaving young men.

Aeroflotgirl Camhs has a reputation for achieving sweet FA. I've never known it work for anyone.

She is probably at the end of her rope, this might be going on for a while. NO the forces, Camp America etc are not a good idea. He needs a residential facility to help him with his addictions. She needs support from outside agencies which is is just not getting. I did not say kick him out, but to look at other housing options, or mabey SS care, so that they can help him.

Not all teenagers who go into drugs, have issues, or abuse, some just want to experiment, are impressionable, and fall in the wrong crowd. Op hasen't said if there was anything behind it.

Bravo WannaBe !
Very well said!

I too find it utterly shocking that pp are urging OP to ‘kick him out’, ‘hand him over to social services’...also alarmingly, if pp like speakout and Queen voice a different opinion - they are ridiculed or shouted down. It’s appalling.

OP’s son is a child - a frightened, lost, confused child. I would be very interested to hear how he came to be in this position - how his young life became ‘this’??
Why does his father not want him, why does he fight with his step father, why does his mother refer to him as a ‘wrong ‘un’?
Why is his life so out of control at such a very young age?? This didn’t all just happen on his 17th birthday ffs

What he needs is strong PARENTAL guidance, boundaries, love, discipline, structure and communication. Not to be kicked out, or handed over to the local authority.

And before anyone starts to bellow about ‘not understanding’ blah blah blah - none of you have any idea of what I have, or haven’t, been through - so please, try to respect the opinions and life experiences of others without resorting to unpleasantness

I know, Queen, it is not fit for purpose, they told my friend, her Autistic ds was threatening suicide, and got knives out the kitchen draw and threatened them, that he would have to do the act first, before they could intervene. Sounds like the professionals are letting them both down, Cahms, social services, Police, justice, youth offending team.

@lighthouseSouth
His sibling has not been 'driven out of his home'...again, words being put into someone's mouth. he has chosen to leave because he doesn't like it.

You ask what my solution is- can you read my posts?
I've said what I think: they need to sit down as a family and have a sensible discussion with his step dad.

The boundaries need to be made clear again. The 11pm curfew is imo too early at a weekend as as another poster said, sets him up to fail.

I've also asked the OP who funds his going out- is it her? She's not come back to say. If he is at college he won't have any money so is she giving him money? Could this be a carrot and stick- good behaviour= more money and vice versa.

Ive suggested parenting groups and even private child psychs for some support.

I've also asked and suggested it's made clear that any entry by his friends and stealing from her house will be reported to police and charges brought.

I'd also be having a very serious chat with him about his future, work, college, the law, drugs etc and trying to understand why he was behaving as he is, and if he understands the consequences.

I'd also be looking at my own relationship with the step dad and asking if at any point anything had happened to make him feel excluded or unloved.

If all of this has been done already, apologies, but I am with @WannaBeWonderWoman that you don't pass your issues onto SS or someone else - your kids are your kids not the state's.

Wow Luisa so aggressive. Your is just another opinion, but op sounds like she needs understanding and guidance, not to be shouted at and made to feel worse than she does already. That is probably why she has not been back, I don't blame her. He is not a child, but nearly an adult btw, he has to take some responsibility for his decisions. Mabey it would be better for him to go into SS care so he can access the help that he needs, sometimes the help that our children need are beyond what we can provide as parents. There is nothing wrong with accessing outside help, that is what it is therefore.

What he needs is strong PARENTAL guidance, boundaries, love, discipline, structure and communication. Not to be kicked out, or handed over to the local authority.

Exactly. And two-fingers up to the posters who think that those of us who aren't of the hang 'em or flog 'em tribe have no experience. IME half the posters on MN don't even have kids, let alone teens like this.

I am on the Autism circuit, as my dd 11 has Autism, and I know that some parents have put their child into residential schooling to give them a better chance, and for their safety and well being. I bet you would judge those parents, and think that the children have to be with the parents at all costs.

Omg Queen yes I know all that!!!

Hence I'm wondering why you keep making the same suggestion and making no helpful ones while managing to suggest that op is at fault.

What suggestions might they give op?

And still you have nothing to say about the 19 year old who had to leave home.

Areoflotgirl SS would mean foster care. In your view what is that going to offer over and above his natural parents? Cab you say?

Luisa is not being aggressive. We are offering another side. Have you got teens? A boy of 17 is the equivalent in maturity to a girl of around 14 /15. They are still very young.

Have you been through any of this- and come out the other side? If not then maybe you aren't in the best position to advise.

No shouting or aggression here aero 🙂 - just an opinion

@LighthouseSouth You really are getting on my tits now. I have mentioned the 19 yr old sibling. It's his CHOICE to leave. RTFT.

The 17 year old child is nearly an adult, and has their own free will, it is very hard to keep a 17 year old in line, especially with those issues. It seems like she has really tried accessing all sorts of services which have fallen on the wayside and have not been helpful. Don't you think she has tried all those things that other posters have suggested, she sounds at the end of her rope. I think a residential facility where he can access appropriate help might be good as op can't do it alone.

No I haven't Queen, but I can totally empathise with op, having mental health issues myself is horrid let alone this on top of it all. I can just see from op a mum who is struggling, which I can totally empathise with , having 2 kids with SN, but different needs to op ds and totally different ages. It is very hard, thank goodness I have dh that I don't have to go this alone.

And still you have nothing to say about the 19 year old who had to leave home

Bleeding hearts never think of the bigger picture or the effects on others. The wayward teen must be supported to an inch of its life no matter what damage it causes to everyone involved. They like to point blame and suggest that it's a payback for a shit life and the parent on the knees must show love and compassion as her house is disrespected and sold around her.

Still it probably makes them feel better, earn their wings for the amazing advice I'm still yet to see on this thread from them

Sorry Aero - having carefully read all your posts, I don’t think you’re the best person to give advice in this situation.
Just my opinion - sorry.

Queen "@LighthouseSouth You really are getting on my tits now. I have mentioned the 19 yr old sibling. It's his CHOICE to leave. RTFT."

This made me lol.

Yes I missed a post. But it's funny how the 19 year old made a choice to leave but the 17 year old choice to behave like an arse doesn't strike you the same way. Is it the over/under 18?

I won't reply to you again as I don't want to drive you to drugs.

But op if you are still reading, I wish you all the best with this.

It's his CHOICE to leave. RTFT

Just like it's an abused womans choice to flee her home, no driving out at all then? It's all a choice is it?

Why should we put up with what we wouldn't from an adult from our teens?