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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked 17 year old out all night

282 replies

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 08:58

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 28/05/2018 17:55

@gamerchick

Agree.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 17:58

I don't think I am, really Lusisa Smile, I have my opinion and will just lurk, and anyway op has disappeared now. Though six year old ds, has the attitude of a teen, and wants to learn to drive a car soon Hmm.

Luisa27 · 28/05/2018 17:58

The fact that gamerchick refers to OP’s son as ‘it’ - “ must be supported to an inch of its life no matter what” in her last post - sums her attitude up perfectly....in my opinion.
May I suggest a little bit of empathy and understanding gamer - rather than the endlessly repetitive ‘bleeding hearts’ reference and the vacuous laughing faces emojis....

Luisa27 · 28/05/2018 18:02

Yes, you’re right aero - we all have any opinion....and that’s why I would like to hear how the OP’s son feels - and what led him to this place.

gamerchick · 28/05/2018 18:05

Though six year old ds, has the attitude of a teen, and wants to learn to drive a car soon hmm

He can when he's 10. The young drivers is great fun for them.

gamerchick · 28/05/2018 18:06

Yes, you’re right aero - we all have any opinion....and that’s why I would like to hear how the OP’s son feels - and what led him to this place

Brilliant, I'm sure that can be arranged. A bit of respite for the OP if you take him in for a bit.

wotsittoyou · 28/05/2018 18:09

What did you do during the colder months?

QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 18:09

@lighthoussouth LOL at you thinking you have the power to drive me to drugs Grin

So come on - you are full of criticism and questions for me - what would you do? And don't say SS. Let's have some real answers.

(I'm not sure what you mean by I have no answers...I've given loads. or are you asking for an actual dialogue where the Op says X , her son says or does Y. Sorry but I think you need to go first here- you have in fact got all the answers it seems. Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 18:10

Oh god gamer, he would love that Smile, I will look into that. I am learning to drive at the moment, and my driving school (local one), has a young drivers course for 12 I think.

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 18:11

I have a teen he had MH issues and would not and indeed did not allow a key until he was taking his meds regularly

It’s only now at 18 we trusted him to stay here on his own

QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 18:11

ganerchick they still hang 'em up north, don't they hinny. Or would you prefer 'pet'? Thank God you aren't thinking of working in the field of therapy. Phew.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 28/05/2018 18:26

You cannot lock a child out the house SS would not be impressedConfused

SS are so chronically underfunded and stretched they won't even take a second glance at a 17 year old with a record being booted out.
Hmm

LighthouseSouth · 28/05/2018 18:34

Queen, I suggested SS or rehab and also asked op a few questions to see if I could come up with anything else, like what the use is about. Thete is crossover between your questions and mine but I got defensive because frankly I felt like you were very hard on op.

Sadly I do think there's a point where tough love has to come in, we are past that stage thank goodness but I feel it's sheer dumb luck it never happened to us. None of us can guarantee how our DC will turn out, they're not puppets.

I do think this extended adolescence thing is a problem though but I'll probably get told to go to Gransnet.

LighthouseSouth · 28/05/2018 18:36

Oh and we've all taken drugs in my family, I don't mean the drugs, I mean the bad behaviour.

gamerchick · 28/05/2018 18:38

Oh god gamer, he would love that smile, I will look into that. I am learning to drive at the moment, and my driving school (local one), has a young drivers course for 12 I think

Definitely, both of mine loved it. Apparently he was ready to drive home afterwards, had a proper beam on Grin

Gottagetmoving · 28/05/2018 19:09

OP has every right to set rules for her ds in view of his behaviour sneaking friends in etc. She also has the right to lock the doors before she goes to bed. Her son can't be trusted so he has to take the consequences of not being home before the door is locked.
It doesn't matter what sort of problems he's had growing up...these are the rules now.
If he did join the army, do you think they would go soft on him because of his problem past? Change the rules to suit the poor boy?

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 19:10

BreadOfJesus

It used to be midnight, we'd wait up for him but he just came in at 1am etc. I'm sick of pandering to him. Now it's 11 because I want to go to bed at a reasonable time so I can get up for work the next day. A concept he's not familiar with unfortunately.

Totally agree op he can’t be trusted with a key so he needs to come home before you go to bed or sort himself

HonkyWonkWoman · 28/05/2018 19:54

Queen I just need to clear one point up.
You say that the 19 year old son left of his own accord as he didn't like it (whatever "it" is).
However, OP stated:
Btw I have another son, a good lad who is 19 and he's moving out because of DS2. He was sick of having all his stuff stolen.
The 19 year old has not left of his own accord at all but was driven to it by Ds2's behavior.

LemonysSnicket · 28/05/2018 20:07

I think you did right. It's not like you don't give him the option of getting home. If he has money for drugs then he has money for a taxi to be home on time. 17 he may be but if he wants to act like an adult then he needs to make adult decisions.

Tillytoes1 · 28/05/2018 20:41

Firstly, sorry you’re going through such a tough time Flowers I noticed that you agreed a time of 11 with your son, to which you said the doors would be locked but after an exchange of messages you then agreed you will lock the doors at 12, you need to stick to the allocated time of 11 and tell him if he chooses to arrive later then the doors would be locked and he would have to sleep elsewhere, if he knew the doors would have been locked at 11, he would have made the effort to be home for 11, not look for excuses elsewhere, don’t allow him to bail himself out because he made the choice to get the later bus home.
I haven’t seen any mention of his father but haven’t read through all of the posts yet, has his father had any input in his life?
He sounds like a very troubled young man and it sounds like you’ve got yourselves in a vicious circle. At 17, he needs to take responsibility for his actions and if that involves law enforcement, then so be it. He needs to see that for poor choices, there will be consequences.
As you’ve mentioned your mental health is struggling, do you receive counselling for this?

FithColumnist · 28/05/2018 23:05

OP’s son is a child - a frightened, lost, confused child. Seriously?!? He's bloody 17, not 7!

FASH84 · 29/05/2018 06:06

OP he will get more housing support at 27 than at 18 he needs to present at the council as homeless

FASH84 · 29/05/2018 06:06

*17

Mummingainteasy · 29/05/2018 07:27

Hope everything is ok OP. X

Glovesick · 29/05/2018 07:42

OK so sorry for you. Similar situation as my friend. Her son got in with the wrong crowd, drugs and all. Turned out that he was gay and struggling with it massively, seeking escape with the wrong crowd, suicidal etc. He came out to his family at 23 and from there things improved massively. Thankfully he avoided prison but that was probably luck.

Try to keep a dialogue with him, however hard . He needs you and his acting out probably has a reason (poss refusal by his dad to have relationship or something like that)

Stay strong.