Locked 17 year old out all night

[BreadOfJesus]

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

Aww Gamer, bless him. Glad he loved it😃

It sounds like your son knows the boundaries can be pushed and broken - having him home after throwing him out, setting a time to be home then moving it. Teaching him as a child not to steal then not reporting him burgling somewhere.

You need to be consistent. The door is locked at 11pm. If he knocks politely by (say) 11:30 then you will let him in, assuming you don't go straight to bed.

Re the burglary, I would report it to the police. They can choose whether it's worth pursuing or not. It shows you have another boundary - respect for people and their property - which cannot be broken.

Sometimes the best thing we can do as parents is tough love. Especially when our children are at risk of serious crime and endangering themselves and others. What happens next time when the place they burgle is inhabited? Robbery is not a crime you want your child to have (burglary but with violence).

QueenoftheNights Mon 28-May-18 17:25:48
"Aeroflotgirl Camhs has a reputation for achieving sweet FA. I've never known it work for anyone."

Saved my dd's life. Got her back on her feet. Got her into HE. Where she is still keeping going thanks to the techniques they taught her and the confidence they gave her.

Doesn't mean it works for everybody. Just that it can work for some.

Anyway, I think there must be some kind of middle ground between "let's punish the ds to within an inch of his life" and "let's blame it all on the OP, what does she mean by being mentally ill, she's a parent, she's not allowed to do that, and besides it's got to be her fault anyway".

For whatever reason the ds is in a bad way. We don't know what caused it, we weren't there. It may be MH issues, it may simply be the effect of having got in with the wrong crowd and succumbed to the temptation of drugs, it may be something about his upbringing, it may be something that has happened to him outside the family home. While all these options are open, it seems very wrong-headed to start playing the blame game.

For whatever reason, the OP is unable to cope. She has MH issues which most parents do not suffer from (they don't dish out anti-psychotic drugs for fun), possibly there is a shared family history of MH issues which is causing problems for both her and her ds. This means she is unable to cope with what those of us without MH issues might possibly have been able to cope with (or possibly not- who knows?).

So what is the sensible suggestion? Tell her that she has just got to stop being ill? Would we say the same if it was cancer?

Or accept that SS, the police etc. while they may not be the best solution, may actually be the only solution.

Difficult situation, but I just wanted to point out that America is off the cards full stop, let alone Camp America. I doubt he’d get ESTA approval with an arrest for assault, let alone pass a visa application.

Stay strong OP.

Well OP your holiday issue is sorted...plenty of MNers are happy to put him up and sort him out...
Seriously though, those who are saying he will get help if he is kicked out...good luck with that if he doesn't want it...unless he wants to change he won't...
Some youngsters and not so young like the 'off the rails' lifestyle...far more exciting than the work treadmill, particularly if all he can expect is NMW grind that most of us experience.
Young men turning up at the council won't be a priority. Even if they helped..how is he going to afford it..bills need paying when you are a 'grown up' living independently if that money is not readily available theft, drugs, deception are the routes that those whose morals don't include honesty will resort to.

I don't know the answer but I doubt he will suddenly change his ways and become a model citizen unless he sees a benefit to it.

There is a time for tough love but this isn't it. The boy is crying out for help by his actions so as hard as it is, don't push him away. That's not to say let him do what he wants, not at all, but cutting the relationship off will do more harm than good. Where will he turn when he is at the point when he realises he needs to change? It will be unlikely to be OP if she has thrown him out. By the sounds of it there is no one else he would go to.

I know that is really hard specially when OP has her own MH deamons to deal with. But keeping talking, even if it is arguing, at least keeps things going.

How are things,OP?