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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked 17 year old out all night

282 replies

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 08:58

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 28/05/2018 09:20

Ahh OP I seriously feel for you.

I think you just need to keep doing what you're doing. Lock up the latest you can before going to bed and if he can't get in he can't get in, tough tits.

FWIW, I was a nightmare child - maybe not quite so bad as your son but I often stayed out all night, didn't turn up and brought drugs back to my parents house. Partied when they left and I just wasn't that great a kid to have - I've turned out fine though and after growing up and realising what I was doing wasn't a way to live I've turned out into a semi-decent human being and have a great relationship with my parents.

Original poster
BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:20

A person has to consent to being enrolled in the army unfortunately. I agree it would have done him the world of good but he won't do it. Trust me I've explored this avenue fully.

OP posts:
Kashgar · 28/05/2018 09:22

I am not sure how you enrol someone else in the army or send them off to the navy. They would have to co-operate with the plan and actually want to join,

BastardGoDarkly · 28/05/2018 09:22

You can't sign someone up to the forces for them though. It has to come from them.

I agree that you've done everything you can op.

It is now just a wait and see game.

You are definitely not unreasonable to want to secure your house before you go to sleep, at a reasonable time, no.

Adversecamber22 · 28/05/2018 09:22

This is not regular levels of teens misbehaving and I think your right to not give him a key.

As a parent you have obviously tried many avenues and set clear boundaries and it's all you can do.

Kashgar · 28/05/2018 09:22

sorry cross post OP

ferntwist · 28/05/2018 09:23

YANBU. He needs this discipline and proper boundaries. Keep on keeping on.

DailyMailClickbait · 28/05/2018 09:23

I remember your previous thread. YANBU.

speakout · 28/05/2018 09:23

Poor kid.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/05/2018 09:24

Poor kid? Are you deliberately trying to be inflammatory?

PonderLand · 28/05/2018 09:24

What happened with the house your son burgled? Did the owners go to the police, would you/did you tell the police it was your son?

sleep5 · 28/05/2018 09:25

Might be time to start threatening him with eviction? He's at the age that he should either be working or in full time education. Being tough on him might be enough to wake him into sorting himself out. Though it could make things worse too.

CaMePlaitPas · 28/05/2018 09:25

If he was my son he'd be out on his arse, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my home. He can't be trusted with a key, and he isn't yet 18 - 11pm is a perfectly acceptable time to come home at 17. He needs to fix himself up, I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Even unconditional love has it's limits.

Original poster
BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:26

Speakout, do you want him? You're welcome to him - I'll give it a week before you're begging me to take him back.

I'm going away in August and am already planning where I can leave all my valuables. Can't leave them here as I'd come back to an empty house. This includes TV, computer, iPad, any jewellery - this is no way to live. A house is supposed to be a sanctuary. I don't feel safe here at all.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2018 09:27

I am so sorry Bread Flowers
I fear for your son really l do , it sounds like he is on a mission to end up in prison . It is awful for you . I think you are not being unreasonable at all, the only thing l thought you may be able to do is move away from this nightmare, put physical miles as a barrier , is this possible at all? l would want to run away tbh. It sounds horrific .

PotteringAlong · 28/05/2018 09:28

So, back to my original question, if you know for a fact he’s burgled someone’s house, have you reported him to the police?

FetchezLaVache · 28/05/2018 09:28

YANBU, OP. Tell him that this is how it's going to be from now on - the door will be locked at 11pm and that's it. No text warnings or reminders, no half an hour grace periods. He needs to make sure he's on the shitty last bus home!

speakout · 28/05/2018 09:29

He's only 17.

Probably very unhappy.
He is in need of guidance. Adults around him are failing.

Where is his father?

WhiteCat1704 · 28/05/2018 09:30

I would tell him to leave OP.
You not feeling safe is a big one...

StormcloakNord · 28/05/2018 09:30

@BreadOfJesus - I know I'll get flamed for this but I'm a harsh parent so meh, have you considered chucking him out? He's over 16 and being forced to find somewhere alternative to live might kick start him on at least trying to find the right path/do the right thing and sort his own life out.
I can imagine though in the back of your head you'll be worrying it could have the opposite effect and he'll end up in a drug den squalor somewhere.

StormcloakNord · 28/05/2018 09:31

This reply has been deleted

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BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 28/05/2018 09:31

YANBU.

At 17 I was your son- not the drugs, but binge drinking/staying out all night/unsavoury friends who stole stuff. Im not proud of that, but it is true.

My mother reported thefts to the police but they couldnt really do anything.

She would lock the door and finally she kicked me out at 18- she got horrendous criticism for this, but ironically I am her strongest supporter. I had to grow up and respect boundaries that couldnt be pushed by saying 'but, muuuuum!'.

You are not being unreasonable by asking your son to respect your home and the rules that come with it.

StealthNinjaMum · 28/05/2018 09:31

Flowers op. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like you're at the end of your tether. YANBU

Booboobooboo84 · 28/05/2018 09:32

I would seriously consider chucking him out and letting him find his own feet. The current situation isn’t working, maybe being in a young adult hostel where the staff truely will lock him out and evict him if he is constantly late will help him realise how cushie things are at home

Bunbunbunny · 28/05/2018 09:32

Yes Speakout because teenage boys can’t jst be immature

Op I feel for you, set him a deadline to sort his shit out or he has to go permanently and stick to it. Sounds like he needs something to make him grow up & fast

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