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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked 17 year old out all night

282 replies

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 08:58

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

OP posts:
QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 10:55

The poor boy is crying out for love. His father doesn't want him, his step dad doesn't want him and now people are telling his mum to kick him out.

All this twaddle about 'oh well, he'll go to prison, so what, teach him a lesson'. Have you any idea that most offenders never go straight? That life post-prison is worse than life before for most?

Emotionally he has been abandoned already. He needs bags of love and attention not kicking out.

Adolescence lasts till 25. He is still very much a child . Passing the buck to SS etc is not the answer. The answer lies with you OP and trying to get his step dad and bio dad involved. Why is that not working?

jamoncrumpets · 28/05/2018 10:55

This isn't the same kid that had a gun in his room is it? Your story sounds remarkably similar.

Gottagetmoving · 28/05/2018 10:56

He knows the rules so if he is locked out its his choice.
The rule is there because of his behaviour so it is up to him to prove he can be trusted. He has to earn your trust.
I would do the same in your shoes and lock him out however painful it was for me. I bet you feel worse than he does when he's locked out.

gamerchick · 28/05/2018 10:57

QueenoftheNights

There you go OP ^^ your first offer. I'm sure queen is pming you as I type. Get him sorted out good with lots of love.

QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 10:57

@Gamerchick Compassion's not your middle name is it?

Passing the buck is not the answer. There will be years and years of stuff going on that is behind this- his behaviour is the tip of an iceberg, where he is from a broken home, two men didn't want him, and he is suffering.

is that not obvious?

lindyhopy · 28/05/2018 10:57

Having the 11pm rule is brilliant, the only thing you did wrong was allowing him to push it til 12, if you do that one night he will always expect it. Have a look into MST and see if they have it in your area, if not get the book and try to live by this. Good luck you are doing the right thing. Please don't listen to people's advice on here that say you are being unreasonable/ give him some slack unless they have lived this themselves/ worked in this field it's very hard to understand what you are going through. Best wishes x

gamerchick · 28/05/2018 10:59

Gamerchick Compassion's not your middle name is it

I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job hinny. Wink

senioritabonita · 28/05/2018 11:02

I work with troubled and vulnerable teenagers in care and PRU.

Your situation is not uncommon and parents received almost no support - I am sure you are doing what you can.

To those suggesting the military - you may be surprised to find that the armed forces in this country and not crying out for poorly motivated teenagers with poor attitude and poor physical condition after years of drink/drug abuse.
To those suggesting OP is at fault - get a bloody grip. Some young people make appalling choices and are incredibly difficult to live with.

OP - I would lock the door at 11pm regardless of where he is and I would tell him to find alternative accommodation when you are away.

Do you have a good relationship with your other son?

Luisa27 · 28/05/2018 11:05

Agree with you wholeheartedly QueenoftheNights...his behaviour hasn’t just suddenly erupted from nowhere.
OP - your son is 17, what has happened previously in his childhood to allow this lifestyle to flourish?

Suki51 · 28/05/2018 11:07

Re key issue I understand completely, it's very scary to allow someone you've lost trust with to be in charge of your home security. Your son's impact on family life sounds to be at a critical point, have you tried a family therapist? I find it hard to believe that children 'want' to inflict pain on there parents it's more often the teenage developmental brain incapable of dealing with all the conflicts of desires and all that's going on around him! It sounds like you are all suffering and counselling would help you all to see the world through the others eyes. Good luck

bakingdemon · 28/05/2018 11:08

You absolutely need to follow through on your threats. If 11pm is when the house is locked, you need to do that every night. And if sometimes that means he can't get in, hard luck on him. Good luck OP, it sounds like he might need a couple of hard lessons to snap him out of this. Can his dad help? Sadly I think teenage boys often listen more to their dads.

Popchyk · 28/05/2018 11:09

What happened with the criminal damage and common assault charges?

If he has been convicted of common assault then he won't be able to do Camp America. They won't accept any drugs or violence offences.

Furthermore, he'd need to look into whether the US would even accept him travelling there at any point if he does have a criminal record.

RideOn · 28/05/2018 11:10

Locking the door at 11pm is totally reasonable. He has to aim to be home sooner.
You have to have some limits for your own security.

But IT IS NOT YOU locking him out IT IS HIM missing his curfew. And if you are near asking him to leave anyway, then it’s reasonable.

I’d mention going back to grandmas if that’s an option.

However what practically will happen? Will he call you from outside? Knock doors and windows? Wake neighbours? Will you be able to stick to this? Ring police?
Will he be able to stay where he stayed before? Do you have a shed? Garage or sunroom you can lock on the inside?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 11:10

There might be no reason for this, might be that he has fallen in with a bad crowd and made poor choices, teens generally like to fit in, and go against what their parents tell them. Op sounds at the end of here tether, and quite rightly so. She has tried to help him, to access help and support, and he has thrown it back in her face. Now he is nearly an adult, with his choices, come responsibility.

For those who disagree with op, open your doors then, and you take him. I would work with services, to either put him in care, or to help him find alternative accommodation.

clownfaces · 28/05/2018 11:10

I feel for you OP. I had similar issues with my own DS. I threw him out when he was 21. He had kicked off on xmas day, damaged my car and thrown a wheelie bin at the dining room window. He had been taking cocaine. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have lost count of the money I have spent paying bonds and rent for him, and giving him money because he hadn't eaten for days. I have just spent another £700 setting him up in a house share. He is now 36. I won't be doing it again.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 11:11

Seems like these issues have been ongoing for a while.

FuckingHateRain · 28/05/2018 11:13

The problem is even if you need to show love and compassion like some say here, love doesn't come out easily when you have to face this...
I m in between, you absolutely have to show 1000% your threats are valid .... but in the meantime I'd try to show that I care. He's definitely has a need that needs fulfilling, there is certainly something. Ruins yhis . I'd also go to GP and query about medication Flowers

MumW · 28/05/2018 11:14
Flowers What an awful position to find yourself in. When is your holiday? I think I'd be considering that as a deadline and not February. Do you have a burglar alarm and helpful neighbours as I'd be worried about leaving the house empty given the kind of 'friends' your son associates with.
FuckingHateRain · 28/05/2018 11:14

*Ruins yhis === behind this

SandAndSea · 28/05/2018 11:16

My friend's son went off the rails. He changed when, firstly, he went to live in a homeless young person's unit. Secondly, she got a new partner who just refused to tolerate his crap, in a way that only a certain man can: he put him on the floor and held him there. It was a major turning point. The little shit apparently dissolved and respect was born.

Know any strong, calm men?

RideOn · 28/05/2018 11:17

Definitely don’t hide your valuables and give him access to house when you are away. Can’t his Dad do this 1 week?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 11:23

OP sounds at the end of her rope and that she has tried everything, she has her own mental health problems, probably exacerbated by her sons behaviour. Op I totally get you, and I would do the same. You sound like an amazing and strong woman, and you are doing a great job. You cannot be responsible for his choices, sometimes there is nothing behind, it, just teenage curiosity, wanting to look cool, fit in and establish his own identity. The more you try to tell him what to do, the more he rebels. Go to CAB for advice, mabey contact SS to take him, find out alternatives for housing. YMCA, hostel.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/05/2018 11:24

It is not always the parents fault, it is not always the broken home to blame. Some children will go off the rails regardless. Many youngsters that do so have siblings that have managed to stay on the straight and narrow

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2018 11:24

Your doing this on your own with no support, it must be so hard FlowersWine.

FithColumnist · 28/05/2018 11:24

Flowers for you OP.

I personally wouldn’t wait until he’s 18. I’d chuck him out now: it would be better for him. Someone who is 16 or 17 and approaches an LA as homeless automatically has a priority need for accommodation- child social care would need to fund accommodation for him (which could be supported accommodation and be just the thing he needs). If you wait until he’s 18; well, a physically robust adult young man with no dependants or diagnosed mental health issues would be deemed to have no priority need for accommodation. The council would have a duty to help “relieve” his homelessness, but that could be as little as a list of private landlords and some insincere best wishes. It’s highly unlikely he would be offered any accommodation.