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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked 17 year old out all night

282 replies

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 08:58

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

OP posts:
Coffeeonthesofa · 28/05/2018 10:00

BreadofJesus I am in your position with my son, just one or two steps ahead of you. YANBU and most of the pp's have agreed.
I don't think Camp America will take him with a conviction?
PM if you want to talk (nothing would be too awful to say I've seen and heard it all) to someone who really understands what you are going through.

metalmum15 · 28/05/2018 10:00

I remember your other threads too op and I really feel for you, it must be a horrible position to be in. Obviously you love him but I really think you've done all you can and now you have to be harsh. Stick to your rules. If he doesn't like it, tough shit. Sounds like he's loving the gangsta life and at that age you're never really going to get through to him that it leads nowhere. If he's not in by 11 then lock up. If he's stuck for a bed, I'm sure one of his many druggie friends will put him up.

Original poster
BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 10:00

I have begged social services to help me find him somewhere to live. They refused and gave me a guilt trip of saying he'd end up living in a drug den and would be on heroin by the end of the year.

I've not tried council yet, I was told they won't help until they're 18.

Btw I have another son, a good lad who is 19 and he's moving out because of DS2. He was sick of having all his stuff stolen.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 10:01

Usually the dealers will give them a cut of the money they make from selling or/and free drugs

I suspect this is how he is getting cash

It’s sad really, grown men target young vulnerable kids to do their dirty work.

It’s the kids who sell to the other kids so it’s highly desirable for the drug dealers to recruit them

TheFirstMrsDV · 28/05/2018 10:01

Is there a YMCA hostel near you?
If so I would recommend looking into whether he is eligible for a room.
Its not fancy but there is a certain amount of care/support available if he chooses to take it.

I think its very hard for people who have not gone through this to really imagine what its like for your entire house/life to revolve around someone behaving like this.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2018 10:01

@speakout have you read the OP's posts? Does it honestly sound to you like she's just not bothered, hasn't tried everything?

But well done on giving us a great big flash of your judgey pants

mmmccccccxxx · 28/05/2018 10:01

Be strong lock the door you did the right thing if he has to sleep in the garden one night or at his mates then so be it.

You need to be firm allowing him to treat you with disrespect and take the piss is only enabling him to take drugs and get in to trouble set ground rules if you're not in for eleven doors locked text him that it's locked and if he returns and he's banging on the door ignore him, he will eventually either move out of his own accord or get the message and return for eleven. Your his Mam until he earns your respect and can have a key then he needs to understand your house rules.

Whilst he is only 17 he is making choices here and he needs to live by them and if you enable him by allowing him to treat you like shit he will end up in prison.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 10:03

Op

Your council will have a duty homeless team. If you took him there, told them he isn’t coming with you. They would have to get adult SS (if they thought him vulnerable) or give him accommodation.

Don’t let them fob you off

Saying he will be in heroin was designed to make you go away.

MerryShitmas · 28/05/2018 10:03

Unfortunately these days the council can't really help young people,
Sorry to hijack but my 19yr old sister has just left an abusive man, is job seeking and no family has space to take her in properly (she's currently sleeping on floors and sofas across the family). While the council will help house her she can't afford the rent, because she's only entitled to shared room rate (£50pw) vs 1 bed rate (£100pw) and can't afford to pay the difference when she's living on £57 a week total. The council doesn't provide shared accom at all, only one bed plus. She can't raise the money for rent in advance (around £400 for a private room) and in addition most private LL's either operate on a cash in hand basis without a proper tenancy (so she can't get HB for that) or they forbid DSS. She's also terrified of sharing with strangers. So she's a bit fucked at the moment until she finds work...

Just something to bare in mind if you need to approach the council for help. I would approach SS personally, while he's still young enough to get help from them but old enough to legally move out.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 10:04

On

Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2018 10:05

OMG that is horrendous OP , you really need to do something to remove yourself from this nightmare. I don't think you can do anything with him tbh he sounds as if he is beyond redemption. l am so sorry to say that to you . What does your other son say about it to you? He has already made you choose between your sons in a way .

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 10:05

Seems to be a postcode lottery with regards to services

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 10:07

Merry

If you tell them you have family and can sofa surf then no they won’t help immediately but if you say I’m on the street today with no relatives then I’m certain they will help

They ask about relatives and friends because they are pushed to the limit

Kerrylou92 · 28/05/2018 10:07

If he has no money coming in. Big enough to support his habit.

I'm sorry to say but he could be helping his mate deal. Hmm🙁

I'm sorry your going though I tough time. And it take a lot to be strong cos his your baby. But you NEED. Make yourself happy. Otherwise you might end up with nothing too x x

CandleWithHair · 28/05/2018 10:07

OP have you looked at the Intercept trips offered by outward bound? Not quite the same as Camp America but maybe worth a look

MerryShitmas · 28/05/2018 10:11

Melliegrantfirstlady

She is recognised as homeless and there are homes available (average wait for a 1 bed in these parts is 4 months for a bad area, 1+ year for a prestigious one) but the issue as stated is she can't afford the rent on it due to benefit rules that stop anyone under 35 (unless they have a partner or child) getting housing benefit for more than a shared room, which is a lower rate than a 1 bed obviously, so unless you can make up the difference you're screwed. The council is willing and able to house her in a 1 bed but cant thanks to that rule and private landlords are a mindfield.
I just don't want OPs son in this situation as that then gives him an excuse to hot foot it back to Mum, so I'd try SS first.

Maelstrop · 28/05/2018 10:12

Would his grandma have him again? Seems he wasn’t thrilled there, maybe send him back? I feel for you, this sounds like a living hell :(

Chosenone · 28/05/2018 10:13

Oh really feel you OP. My brother was like this and I've watched first hand how this destroyed my parents. They effectively enabled his behaviour by letting him live with them. They laid off drug dealers, laid his debts, took his side when I took him to court. He is now 40 and apparently off drugs and lives on his own in a bed sit.

I think an honest and open chat about how although you love him the choices he is making and the lifestyle he is choosing is breaking you. 'Release with love'. Explain it's his life and if he's happy to choose a life of drugs and crime then he will have to fund it alone. Stay firm and seek out help where you can.

PoisonousSmurf · 28/05/2018 10:13

Does he have access to the garden. Couldn't he sleep in the shed or put up a tent in the garden? He has to earn his right to have a key.

MrsHass · 28/05/2018 10:14

OP, I really feel for you.
He sounds like my two brothers. Once they hit about 14 then they were the same - gangs, fighting, drugs, stealing (from everyone and everywhere - family included). So utterly selfish and entitled. It was all about them.
20 years later and it’s STILL going on! They’re in and out of prison, never worked... I went completely no contact with them about 4 years ago because I didn’t want their behaviour around my child. It’s been the best thing I could have done. I was a bag of nerves, wondering what would happen next with them. They were offered all sorts of help and didn’t want it.

They’re still harassing, intimidating, stealing from my parents who are in their 60s now. My parents go through stages of banning them from coming near their home but then eventually let them visit again and the cycle continues.
I have no real advice unfortunately but tough love may be the way to go. You don’t want to find yourself still putting up with this - and worse - 20 years down the line. You deserve some peace and people need to want to be helped and accept responsibility for their actions.

Littleredboat · 28/05/2018 10:15

I think SS say that to everyone, to weed people out and lessen their load.

Which is understandable.

But I’d call their bluff tbh. You can’t go on like this, it’s making you ill and breaking down the rest of your family. You’re not a bad person to get to the end of your tether.

Littleredboat · 28/05/2018 10:17

I also like the idea of putting an air bed and sleeping bag in the shed. If he’s not home and quiet by 11pm that’s where he spends the night.

BumpInTheOven · 28/05/2018 10:18

Bless you OP.
I second officially kicking him out and taking him to the homeless office at the council, explain the circumstances, they have a duty of care to help him (he will actually get more support until he reaches 18 ie key worker etc) do not let them fob you off..

Do not put him in a travel lodge, unless you want bills for ££££ after he tries ripping the tv and other fittings from the room and throws parties there etc

The emotional blackmail is hard.. but stand your ground (it's not easy being a single mum and maintaining those boundaries) especially when you get al the promises in the world that they will change : he won't until he learns some serious life lessons..

Good luck x

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 28/05/2018 10:20

YANBU at all. He is very lucky he still has a home with you. I think you should give serious consideration to taking the step of kicking him out completely. Unfortunately you can't help him. It has to come from him. The rest of your family deserve to be able to live in peace, although I know it is a tough decision for you!

Neato · 28/05/2018 10:22

My younger step-brother was so very much like this. I'm afraid to say it took a significant life-event, a change of areas, going NC with all of his 'friends' and getting into a relationship before he got his shit together. He was 23, found a job where somebody saw some potential in him and he's very settled now (aged 26). He can't really talk about 'those years' through shame and embarrassment but I'm sure he will one day and give us all some insight into WTAF was going on for him.

Not easy in any way for you, OP.