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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked 17 year old out all night

282 replies

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 08:58

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

OP posts:
VileyRose · 28/05/2018 09:44

OP I had a brother like this and although I was younger I can see how it affected us ALL. I agree 11pm is fine because if it was 12 he would just push it to 1 etc. I also wouldn't give him a key! My brother did sort it out from 22ish-25 and now is a reliable wonderful man. Hang in there xx

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 09:45

Op

You poor thing. I’m not surprised you can’t wait until he leaves

I’d certainly book him into a travel lodge when you go on your holiday.

You are fine locking the door.

Unfortunately drugs are his priority.

You could actually take him to the council to be rehomed. Tell them what you told us. There are many organisations who would take him in and give a bit of mentoring too.

YMCA etc

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 09:46

Rehomed! Duh that sounds like he’s a dog 😂 poor use of language from me there

Original poster
BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:47

Oh and I've already had the mental breakdown. Ended up in A&E, the night got referred to the local nuthouse, now on long term anti psychotic medication so I can appreciate that my son might not be a happy lad right now, but I'm not exactly having a party either. I nearly lost my job because of my mental health breakdown. Even now I'm hanging on by a thread. So what next? I stop work, can't pay the mortgage, lose the house, probably end up divorced as DH is having to put up with all this (as well as being assaulted by said child) from a kid that isn't even his.

When exactly, can I say I've tried and enough is enough?

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2018 09:48

OP l see that you felt you could not hold out, you had your DS back when you threw him out because he was so upset. The 18 year birthday is not going to work because he will do the same and you won't be able to stick to it then either. This is not a criticism , it is an honest opinion. I am wondering why he wasn't picked up by social services then? Can you have him referred to Social services at all can they help? l am not familiar with this but l know that he is still classed as a child at 17 so l wonder if this is a possibility.

LouHotel · 28/05/2018 09:48

OP you can apply for Camp America a year in advance, If you can afford it I think this would be a really good option.

Do you think he would go or potentially let you down at the last minute?

Does he drive? Learning to drive was a.big motivator for my wayward brothers to start behaving.

Original poster
BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:49

Mellie, good idea about the travel lodge, ill look into that.

OP posts:
OlBitey · 28/05/2018 09:50

I'm so sorry OP, your son is a drug addict.

I would evict him now and not allow him back until he is in recovery.

You cannot prevent an addict from taking drugs. The longer he stays in your home and uses you as a crutch to support his drug taking the more damage your relationship will endure. For the good of your future relationship I would evict him now. Be very clear he is welcome back once he is clean, receiving medical attention and attending some kind of support group.

And get some therapy for yourself. This is very tough on you.

FuckingHateRain · 28/05/2018 09:50

OP does he have a girlfriend? Anyone who would have any kind of positive influence other than you?

Besides that my mate went through same thing with her 21yo DD she ended up chucking her out, after a year of trying everything else, she s now now a reformed person. So it does work, there is a huge risk associated but can work Flowers

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 28/05/2018 09:50

You cannot lock a child out the house SS would not be impressed

Social services do not have the time or resources to care about a wayward 17 year old being locked out of the house.

Puffycat · 28/05/2018 09:51

YANBU at all! Stick to your guns. If it happens again he might start thinking it’s time to move out. It sounds like you’ve had enough op. I hope you’re getting support

ravenmum · 28/05/2018 09:51

Do you have a shed or something where he could shelter in an emergency if he does get home too late? I don't suppose you can send him off to boot camp somewhere while you are away?

@speakout - I should think OP is also very unhappy about the whole situation, too: she's doing her best but there's only so much you can do. Criticism from strangers who have no clue what she is going through or has tried is probably the last thing she needs.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 09:52

In your shoes I couldn’t hold on until February I really couldn’t

You could also contact your local duty SW team. They will also tell you if there’s alternative accommodation available in your area for him

You’d have to express your exasperation though. They are hard pressed and rarely offer their services!

Littleredboat · 28/05/2018 09:52

I think you can say enough is enough now, OP.

People can’t continue on indefinitely under the sort of strain you’re under, and it’s not appropriate for anyone to stay in an abusive relationship long term, regardless of who the abuser is- and right now it’s your son.

Is there a council hostel or any other provision in your area he could access? Could you give him the option of that or the army, but NOT of living with you? Would his paternal grandmother take him again?

Booboobooboo84 · 28/05/2018 09:53

How about sending him off interailing/travelling for a couple of months I don’t think he has to be 17 for that and it’s a good opportunity for him to take a break from the cycle he’s got himself into.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 09:53

Is it weed or other drugs too?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 09:53

Don’t pay for the camp I doubt he would go! You’d lose your money

ApolloandDaphne · 28/05/2018 09:54

I am a social worker. I would be supporting OP all the way given his behaviour. However i am in Scotland and the laws are different. At 17 he would be considered a young adult and be treated as such.

madyogafan · 28/05/2018 09:55

Hi OP. I definitely think you are doing the right thing. I also have had many problems with my daughter..not drugs but refusal to engage with any meaningful activity. It came about when she got in with a different crowd when she developed mental health problems. In the end she said she wanted to move out at 17 and as she was making me ill we took her to the housing office and she got a place in supported housing. I struggled with this as she had a serious mental health condition but family life was so terrible we had to change things.

We stuck by her in the background and she decided she would go to college and finished her 2 years and is now at uni. However she was one of the few who did well in that environment.

Most dropped out of college and refused to get or stay in work I'm afraid.

MrsPaddyGrant · 28/05/2018 09:56

I really feel for you and its tough but you're doing the right thing. Unfortunately with cuts to services it's very hard to access and help or support for a 17 year old with a home and a parent who cares about him. And people who say throw him out - where do they think he can go? He'd end up sofa surfing and just dropping out more.

I think you just need to carry on sticking to your boundaries and hope that he grows out if it - or starts hanging around with a different group.

Original poster
BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:58

It's cannabis, speed, ecstasy or MDMA whatever it's called. I don't think he's on the hard stuff (yet) but who knows. I know he has no money coming in from anywhere yet always seems to have money for cigarettes and drugs. So he's getting money from somewhere. I know he's dabbled with dealing but maybe more than I realised.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 09:58

Mrs paddy grant so what if he ends up sofa surfing he makes his bed so can lie in it!

Choices equals consequences!

He can go to the council and get accommodation. They will not see him on the streets

ApolloandDaphne · 28/05/2018 09:58

Oh and don't do Camp America. The young people who do this have to be responsible and motivated. There is quite an arduous and costly process involved in sorting it all out. Plus they do police checks and he would need to be interviewed. It is not as simple as slinging him off to America and he comes back a lovely young man.

QueenoftheNights · 28/05/2018 09:59

Are you a single mum? where is his father?

Do you have other DCs?

Have you told him that if he or his mates steal when you are away, you will report it to the police?

TBH in your shoes I'd not go away- the worry would outweigh the holiday!

Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2018 09:59

Op what about your other children ? How are they coping with this? I don't normally become so invested in a thread but l appreciate your predicament and am frankly appalled that there seems to be no help available.