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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Locked 17 year old out all night

282 replies

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 08:58

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

OP posts:

MistyMinge · 28/05/2018 09:32

Poor kid? Poor op more like. He's hardly a kid either. I think you did the right thing. He knows that normally you leave it unlocked so doesn't bother to try and get home. It must be very hard for you.

Suggesting enrolling him in the army is laughable. You can't force a 17 year old to do it. The army aren't likely to want him at the moment.

Op I hope in a year or so he'll be through this and come out the other side. It sounds like you've tried your hardest. Nobody can make a stubborn 17 year old see sense, they have to come to their senses themselves.

Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2018 09:32

OP you can't go on like this , l would be seriously rethinking going away in August , God knows what you will come back to .

BastardGoDarkly · 28/05/2018 09:33

Bread if it does all end in prison, it may just save him.

I worked with young offenders, and for some of them (particularly drug related) it gave them a way out of that life.

Handsoffmysweets · 28/05/2018 09:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:35

In a gang of druggies and drug dealers no, I haven't reported him and his drug dealer mate to the police. I want him to sort himself out, I don't want him dead Ffs.

I have resigned myself to the fact that prison is possibly where he's heading. I feel powerless to stop that now.

We have no far afield relatives I could send him to, even his own father won't have him.

I even considered paying for him to go and do camp America - would cost a fortune but I'd do it. Unfortunately they need to be 18.

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2018 09:35

If he goes to prison or gets a record it would impact terribly on his future prospects.

Kerrylou92 · 28/05/2018 09:36

Yes he is only 17 but he knows what he is doing.

It seems like he only cares about him myself and how he get his next fix ( that's if he is on drugs.... I guess he is, since his best mate is a drug dealer)

I know it's hard (trust me) but you can't really do anything to help him sort himself out unless he wants to do it himself.

I would let him know that your his mum and you love him and always will. Tell him what how he is effecting you. And if it carries on. He needs to leave. Are you friendly with neighbours? Maybe they could keep a watch on your house while your away in August?

speakout · 28/05/2018 09:36

A 17 year old is still a kid in my eyes.

Has the motor but often no steerage.
It's up to the adults around to be bigger people and help.

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/05/2018 09:37

You cannot lock a child out the house SS would not be impressed. Your ds is under 18 if you get woken up , you get woken up it’s part of parenting.

firehousedog · 28/05/2018 09:37

Yeah of course you cannot physically enrol someone else to the military but you can sell it to them. Get to see the world, make good money, etc. Navy would be the best one.

PotteringAlong · 28/05/2018 09:37

I want him to sort himself out. I don’t want him dead Ffs

But he won’t. And he might very well end up dead if you leave him to it. Reporting him to the police might just be the move that saves his life.

itchyknees · 28/05/2018 09:37

Mesmadevans really?

itchyknees · 28/05/2018 09:38

Mydcatemarvel what? That’s simply utterly untrue.

SeriousSass · 28/05/2018 09:38

OP, I would have done the same. You gave him a chance and extended the time and he still didn’t care. I agree that 11 is very early but I completely see how you have got there. I wouldn’t be putting myself out for him either.
Have you a garden shed or tent he could use if he pitches up late?

I think stepping back and leaving it him to it is all you can do. I’d keep reminding him that it’s his choice and you are more than happy to go back to a normal relationship if he gets back on track.

I think it’s healthier for you to step back to.

Good luck, it must be very difficult for you. Lots of kids/adults do turn it around. Hopefully he will be one of them.

BastardGoDarkly · 28/05/2018 09:39

It would Mrs but it's preferable to getting fully entrenched onto this life, once it's been 6/7 years going into adulthood, it's massively harder to get out.

Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2018 09:39

Op l am so sorry , l really feel your sadness , frustration and despair. Is there no one who can help you my dear? Surely there is something . I cannot think of anything but l am hoping other Mumsnetters will come up with some suggestions for you .

Original poster

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:40

He's been arrested once already, for common assault and criminal damage (against my home).

I chucked him out a few months ago, we went to stay with his dad's mother and phoned my nightly screaming and crying like a baby to come back. When you have your son crying and pleading with you to let them come home, you'd have to have a heart of stone to say no.

So he came back, he was quiet for a while but slowly it all went full circle and here we are again.

His deadline is his 18th birthday (Feb). If he's not sorted by then, he's out.

OP posts:

DragonMummy1418 · 28/05/2018 09:40

I actually kind of agree with @firehousedog !!

Tatiannatomasina · 28/05/2018 09:41

Due to my work I have some understanding of what you are going through. The absolute disregard for anyone other than themselves is common, as is the theft/burglary inflicted on their nearest and dearest. I honestly think that you need to stand firm and say enough. He needs to not live with you anymore. If he is big enough to rub shoulders with the dealers and criminals of this world he is big enough to care for himself. His choice and don't give an inch.

BewareOfDragons · 28/05/2018 09:41

He doesn't have a key because he treats the house like a hostel for his druggie homeless mates. I know for a fact he and his mate burgled their other mates house, if he had a key I imagine him getting it cut for his mate and all sorts. He's lost all of our trust unfortunately.

If you know for a fact that he burgled someone's home, you need to seriously think about contacting the police. Or use it to make him sort his life out. Tell him you will unless things change:

No key. He's home by X time or he's out for the night. He prioritizes his traineeship. He finds a part time honest job. He pitches in around the house he lives in. And he doesn't hang out with people who are doing drugs.

Good luck, OP.

Kashgar · 28/05/2018 09:42

In a gang of druggies and drug dealers no, I haven't reported him and his drug dealer mate to the police.

My experience is that being convicted of an offence and participating with a youth offenders' programme can turn things round for some young people. Although I appreciate reporting your own DC would be a hard thing to do.

BastardGoDarkly · 28/05/2018 09:42

The op has tried the fucking army!?

IncyWincyGrownUp · 28/05/2018 09:43

Read your posts speakout, then read the ones the OP has made. She has tried, she’s had every agency available to her in to help. He doesn’t want help, and you cannot force a 17 year old no matter what you think.

I think it’s time the OP looked tomprotecting herself and her own mental health.

Lindy2 · 28/05/2018 09:43

How very hard for you OP.
As difficult as it is I think you were right to lock your doors.

Original poster

BreadOfJesus · 28/05/2018 09:44

Social services wouldn't be impressed? You know the best thing they could do for us right now is remove my child from me. I used to live in fear of SS taking my kids away, now I wish they would.

OP posts:

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