Locked 17 year old out all night

[BreadOfJesus]

Had many issues with DS (17), drugs, binge drinking, Theft, violence - basically just being a wrong un.

I've had every service imaginable in to try and help him, social services, drug liaison, police, youth justice, cahms - nothing has helped.

We have a rule that he must be in by 11 otherwise the doors get locked. He breaks this rule constantly and often comes in around 11.30 - 12am. The reason the rule is there is because sometimes he doesn't come home all night meaning the doors are unlocked all night, plus he's been known to sneak his mates in during the night (homeless drug dealing mates, not little Johnny from around the corner) and he sneaks about the house stealing.

So anyway, last night it's 11.40pm and I text him asking where he was. He replied that he'd missed "the shitty last bus" so didn't know what time he would be home but instructed me to leave the house unlocked for when he did arrive. I refused. He sent more messages saying he "wasn't being a cunt on purpose" etc etc and that I was paranoid about the house and it was ridiculous. I sent a final message saying "be in by 12am otherwise the door is getting locked and I'm going to bed". Had no reply so did just that.

WIBU to do so? Sounds awful but I look forward to the day he says he's moving out completely. It's so stressful having him here.

If he goes to prison or gets a record it would impact terribly on his future prospects.

And? That's his choice to make. The help is there, he's refusing to take it.

What more can the OP possibly do?

I think OP when you say 11pm, you mean 11pm. You don't change it. It is then his choice to be home in time or not. You are being guilt tripped, and quite understandably as he's 17 and you love him (although not his behaviour). I agree that if you can send him to his nan's again you do so, and do not let him back if he cries about it. His nan is after all not being cruel or abusing him, he's there for his own wellbeing (and yours).

Stick to your word. Be clear what the deal is (home by 11pm or door locked - tent in garden). Don't change it. He needs to know your word as his parent is law in your house. When he able to be more responsible then you can negotiate, but not until then.

You also mention lots of other agencies being involved in the past. What support did they give you or him?

Yanbu op.

Do what Bree in Desperate Housewives did and drive him out to the middle of nowhere and leave him there x

OP. Nothing useful to add, just that it all sounds terribly hard.

Sorry you are going through this. I also think that you need to officially throw him out as otherwise, it seems that he will never get any help from SS, council etc. It sounds as if you can't help him anymore so someone else needs to try. Don't be emotionally blackmailed by anyone (him, SS or the council) about this.

Op you are doing all the right things. Your son needs to respect your rules and boundaries and learn that his choices have a consequence. He needs to take responsibility for his own decisions and if that's a lesson learnt the hard way then so be it!! As much as it breaks our hearts we do have to leave them to it and just hope they come out of OK. Big hugs op xxx

So sorry to hear this OP, it must be awful having to live like this. One of my friends is going through something similar. I haven't got any advice, except this will eventually pass. Until then and

He must be stealing or dealing

February is ages away. It would be better if he was arrested again and jailed but I'm guessing that takes forever?

I really feel for you. Would he go to rehab?

Apologies, in a rush, not RTFT, hope this may help
www.livesinthebalance.org/

OP are there any services locally and I'm thinking here of things like boxing clubs that sort of thing - sometimes they're run by people who've previously gone down the wrong path and turned themselves around (usually with something like boxing or martial arts which are based on discipline, self control and respect)? You might need to make contact with local authority, community centres, village/church halls to see who runs classes from them - could possibly be something that would build him up as at the moment he gets his confidence from these losers that he hangs round with albeit when you take away you and his home, he's completely lost (so no wonder he didn't go through with entry into the army - that would probably have been terrifying for him if he can't bear to be away from home for a few days).

I can't criticise you OP. You've tried just about everything and been doing it for a long, long time. Applying the type of rules and practices to him aren't going work as this lad can't adhere to those rules - it's not a normal situation and OP does have the right to be able to go to bed at 11pm and go to sleep if she wants to (I go mad at my two if they make any noise at all after half ten!!). I need my sleep.

OP I hope you can find something that might be a positive experience for him. Also charities that help young people who might be going astray but they are actually interested in tinkering with motorbikes or there's programmes where they send them off to look after horses and it can totally change their outlook.

Wish you all the very best and take my hat off to you, you've been and are still really going through the mill .

Sounds awful.

Any chance you could move far away from his current dodgy friends and so enable him (and you) to get a new start? Possibly in the middle of nowhere so he literally can't get to his dodgy mates?

It might not seem it but you're doing a great job 👍

Why will dad not step up ? Can he be shipped off there ?

OP, has he come back home yet? or text you this morning yet?

OP, go to your local councillor and get SS to take your DS into care.

Because at 18, they lose all responsibility for him. At least if he's taken into care while he's still technically a child, he'll have a home and they continue to be responsible for him until he's 25, I think it is.

The best thing that could happen to your DS at the moment, is to be in the care of SS because you cannot do this by yourself and at 18, the paltry support that you can access now, stops dead.

Do it now. Go to your councillor. Pressure from an elected member plus you asking for them to take him away from your home, may swing it.

The other thing you could do, is ask SS to arrange family counselling to explore how it got to this point and how to move beyond it.

OP what do you think propelled him into this life he has now?

I do agree that it would be preferable to try and get something in place (not fully within your control I do understand) before he hits 18 as any criminal stuff then will definitely result in the chance of prison and be far more serious.

It does strike me that figuring out what led to him 'going off the rails' and being able to understand that (him and you) is going to be quite key and part of the 'solution'.

I've always been against parents not supporting their child no mater what. OP, by locking the door and forcing him to take some responsibility for his decisions, choices, actions, whatever you are supporting him - he needs to learn that this behaviour is not acceptable to you and won't be acceptable by other people either.
Keep going and don't give in to him

No he does not need a key, to let him and his dodgy mates into op home and priva ate are. In the circumstances I woukd not be giving him any key, and be helping him find alternative accommodation, he is nearly an adult. I totally agree with you, op, yiur house your rules.

OP I feel for you. Locking him out isn’t unreasonable and he has demonstrated he isn’t a naive teenager unable to find himself a bed for the night.
Incidentally, Local Authorities have a responsibility to accommodate under 18 year olds. They don’t like doing it because it costs them and there isn’t an abundance of suitable places, but that’s their problem. Just inform the LA that as of x date your son is on his own — you refuse to provide accommodation. Don’t argue with them — I’ve never heard of a LA taking action against parents who are just adamant they cannot and will not continue to parent. Put it in writing with all the facts and the affect it is having on your mental health.
Good luck.

I know this is terribly hard but 'throwing him out' is not the answer. Who could condemn their child to living on the streets? You only have to look at the homeless in shop doorways to see that some are a result of parents throwing them out. On the streets he would get into worse trouble, hard drugs and maybe die. Is that what any parent wants?

He is still classed as a minor and is his mum's responsibility till he is 18. Law.

What he really needs is the care of a male role model, maybe a youth worker or a social worker to help him.
But like all addicts he has to want to change. Unless HE wants to, he can't be helped.

OP I am sure you have done this, but is it possible you can sit down and have a sensible conversation with him about his future? Is there any way he can 'see the light'?

This would mean leaving these friends and deciding to make something of his life away from drugs and stealing.

I think you have to tell him straight that yes you love him, but you cannot carry on supporting him past 18 if he carries on like this.

In terms of the key, I'd give him one. If he abuses it and his friends steal from you, report it and them to the police. Give him another chance. He is behaving like a child but at the same time you are reinforcing this by not trusting him. Could you have one last try at trusting him to break this cycle?

Poor lad.
He must be desperately lost and unhappy.
He’s 17, vulnerable and still a child.

OP - you say his father “doesn’t want him”, and it seems he doesn’t have a good relationship with his step-father? When did all this behaviour start? How old was he?
Do you think HE feels he has any true support at home - or do you think HE feels he is being treated as a nuisance/ wrong ‘un?
I’m wondering how his behaviour spiralled so catastrophically into this ‘half life’ he seems to be existing in?

On a positive note - the fact that he was communicating with you when he knew he would miss the 11pm curfew - telling you he’d missed the bus, wasn’t being a on purpose etc, says to me that all is not lost.

Rather than go on holiday without him in August with DH - why not take him somewhere- just you and him? A complete break away from this cycle he’s caught up in ?
It would give you time to talk properly and reconnect as mother and son, just the two of you.
It may be the catalyst that could turn this around.
Also - having a holiday to ‘look forward’ to and plan for, would focus his mind and make him realise how precious he is to you as a son - how much you love him, despite his recent behaviour.

This sounds incredibly hard. My youngest son is 16.
Do you know where he is OP ?

Explore the council options. I know ours have places where 16-25 year olds can live in either shared accommodation or hostel type accommodation.

I would have done the same, OP.

Christ the bleeding fucking hearts on here. Why don't you take him on if you have all the answers?

OP try social services again. They WILL lay on the guilt trip but that's deliberate so you'll cave. Tell them you're putting him out no exceptions and they'll have to find him supported accomodation. There are options, they just don't want to. Tell them you're relinquishing responsibility to them.

Then harden your heart against his weeping and wailing. Send him to his dad, give him the contact number he needs to to ring to get in the supported accomodation and tell him to sort himself out.