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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it selfish to have only one child?

245 replies

imagin · 27/05/2018 16:46

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

OP posts:
Vivanne · 28/05/2018 07:42

I only have one child and did not want more. My dd is not spoilt and always shared well and is not selfish. She has disablities to which need a lot of care. I never regret just having a only child

Laineymc7 · 28/05/2018 07:44

No of course you aren’t. They would get undivided parent attention and as long as you make an effort so they have friends and have friends over for play dates etc. As long as they are happy and not lonely they will be just fine as an only child.

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2018 08:16

"They would get undivided parent attention"

That is an excellent reason why if it is possible children should not be onlies. Of course I am aware that many people cannot have more than our child. But the OP is asking for opinions.

RedDwarves · 28/05/2018 08:21

No.

I'm an only child, and love it. I have been spoilt with opportunities, not material things. I also worked three jobs at one point, studied at university, completed a Master of Research and a Ph.D. I am incredibly close with my mother.

I am probably more adaptable and resilient than other people my age, and that can make me appear cold/disinterested/unsympathetic. But I'm not sure how much of that has to do with my circumstances (father passed away when I was very young) or my being an only child. I'm very independent, very generous with those I love, fiercely loyal and ambitious.

I cannot say that I would be the same person if I'd had siblings, because my life would be different, and I wouldn't necessarily have been given the opportunities that I have been. I am quite sure I wouldn't have the close relationship that I have with my mother if I had even one sibling. It's not a relationship I can see in any of my friends' lives.

formerbabe · 28/05/2018 08:28

They would get undivided parent attention

I'm not sure this is entirely a good thing either.

Osopolar · 28/05/2018 08:31

Undivided attention 100% of the time isn't good for anyone but noone gets that. Parents of only children still have to work, do housework and often have hobbies of their own etc. I do think that when a child is struggling the ability of the parents to focus everything on that child is a good thing. When everything is well then it's not needed so much.

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2018 08:34

Undivided attention 100% of the time isn't good for anyone but noone gets that. Parents of only children still have to work, do housework and often have hobbies of their own etc

Exactly this.

Benji13 · 28/05/2018 08:34

It's your choice totally.
As a grown up only child my experience has been - fabulous childhood where I felt happy, much loved and had a close relationship with mum and dad.
As an adult now I do feel rather alone in dealing with aging parents and the issues that that brings. However I have friends with useless siblings who feel equally alone. Having a sibling doesn't mean a freind and supporter for life.

Ansumpasty · 28/05/2018 08:44

I don’t think it’s selfish but I do think that one is actually harder work. One gets lonely, which means playing with one a lot, entertaining constantly while on holiday etc etc. I used to worry constantly about my only child as he literally had all my focus and attention. This is fine for many people, they’re happy to constantly please an only child and good on them!
For me, I had a second because I didn’t want DS to be an only child. She’s bloody brilliant and I’m glad I did :)
They play together constantly (2 1/2 years apart) and when I’m in a bad mood and feel like sitting by myself and reading, etc, they have each other.
Playgrounds/zoos/holidays etc are much more fun with someone to play with. I apologise if that makes anyone only able to have one child feel bad, it’s just my opinion.

Ansumpasty · 28/05/2018 08:45

Ok, ‘constantly’ is clearly my word of the day Hmm

Polarbearflavour · 28/05/2018 08:49

I wouldn’t mind two but at my age I think I will be happy to have just one. DP only wants one.

I love being an only child Smile

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 28/05/2018 08:53

My friend is an only child and has only had one Child. Her DD is a spoilt brat who has no concept of sharing or not getting her own way. Massive tantrums etc (she's nearly 7!). It was embarrassing. Her mother indulges her. Thinks it's funny. She has no idea how to teach her DD not to act this way as she has no frame of reference. And is a spoilt brat herself tbh.

The last time they came over will probably be the last as my DD doesn't really want to see her anymore.

I'm sure it's perfectly possible to have a wonderful only child but I think you have to work harder to ensure they don't get spoilt.

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2018 08:56

I don’t think it’s selfish but I do think that one is actually harder work

When I see friends juggling schedules I think the opposite!

One gets lonely, which means playing with one a lot, entertaining constantly while on holiday etc etc

It’s important to teach self-reliance to all children. Not just onlies. DD has been able to entertain herself since she was 2. She has peers at 11 who are unable to do so.

duplodancer · 28/05/2018 08:59

No, I'm sure what you lose in one way you gain in another.
But I do think I would have found it hard dealing with my parents ill health and death without my siblings,even if they weren't actively helping, so I think if I had an only child I'd try to be extra aware of that to ease any burden. Make early preparations for ill health and a living will etc.

Snog · 28/05/2018 09:01

From an eco perspective the fewer the children you have the less selfish and the better for the planet

SoftBlocks · 28/05/2018 09:02

Re: undivided parental attention, ime many parents of onlies make a concerted effort not to give undivided attention or ‘over parent’ because it is not healthy.

The brattiest kids I know all happen to have siblings.

Ansumpasty · 28/05/2018 09:05

It’s important to teach self-reliance to all children. Not just onlies. DD has been able to entertain herself since she was 2. She has peers at 11 who are unable to do so.

For a short time, sure. But today, I can literally get the garden toys out and they will play for 3 hours. The imaginative play with another child for over an hour is also a massive bonus; I love doing crafts and playing games with them, etc, but imaginative play with a barbie and dragon for an hour, I CANNOT do Confused

stressedoutfred · 28/05/2018 09:07

I have a warped view of only children as the two I know really struggle with sharing or not being in charge. They're both not only only children but also only grandchildren and are totally worshipped by their families, which is lovely, but a shame they've not been taught that when with other children they will not always be the number one. It causes upset with friends and I find that quite sad as it's not their fault that they've grown up not having to share anything.

That's just my view of only children based on the two I know, I imagine there are plenty who are not like that!

Saying all that, as a non only child and a parent of two, I wouldn't have a clue how you teach a child to share when there's no one to share with!

TittyGolightly · 28/05/2018 09:10

Playgrounds/zoos/holidays etc are much more fun with someone to play with.

There are these things called friends........

TittyGolightly · 28/05/2018 09:11

Saying all that, as a non only child and a parent of two, I wouldn't have a clue how you teach a child to share when there's no one to share with!

See above.........

bicback · 28/05/2018 09:13

green tulips what a load of text book judgemental bolloks. Fuck off

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2018 09:14

For a short time, sure. But today, I can literally get the garden toys out and they will play for 3 hours. The imaginative play with another child for over an hour is also a massive bonus; I love doing crafts and playing games with them, etc, but imaginative play with a barbie and dragon for an hour, I CANNOT do

I re-decorated a full house myself when DD was 2. She entertained herself the entire time. I got toys out and that was it. No difference!

Saying all that, as a non only child and a parent of two, I wouldn't have a clue how you teach a child to share when there's no one to share with!

With friends. Other adults “can Mummy have a turn of that now?”. It’s really not difficult.

surferjet · 28/05/2018 09:14

I’m sure childhood ( & indeed life ) is much better & happier if you have a sibling or two who you really get on with.

missmouse101 · 28/05/2018 09:17

Op, you are definitely NOT b.u! It is fantastic to stick with one. So much better for many many reasons. Please don’t give it another thought!

Ansumpasty · 28/05/2018 09:18

TittyGolightly

*Playgrounds/zoos/holidays etc are much more fun with someone to play with.

There are these things called friends........*

Come on, nobody invites a 3 year old’s friend every time they go on a day out. A sibling is a free, built in companion from 6am-7pm and there are no two ways about it.
I’ve managed to hoover, have a quiet breakfast listening to the radio, do two washes and sit on my phone on mumsnet this morning while the kids have played dress up, watched tv, played buckaroo and something that sounded like tick involving a zombie, and it’s just gone 9am.
If only one of them were here this morning, they’d have been stuck to me like glue complaining they’re bored, and I’d be working hard to keep them happy.

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