Is it selfish to have only one child?

[imagin]

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

[GalwayWayfarer]

I grew up with siblings and love them / feel grateful for the relationship we had but I don't think it's selfish to only have one! You might need to do a little more to ensure play dates etc but you can give spend more time and money if you only have one.

[SallyOMalley]

I have an aunt by marriage - she is married to my mum's brother. They are in their 70s now. At a family occasion, my aunt said to my mum that she only felt sad about being an only child once her parents had passed away. There is now no one alive that she can share her childhood and family memories with. She envied my mum and uncle in still being able to do that.

I'm not saying that this is a reason to have more than one child, but this really stuck with me for some reason.

[scaryteacher]

Some of us could only have one...no choice I'm afraid. Too many risks to me have any more. Sorry if that's selfish!

[BertrandRussell]

I think, if at all possible, children should not be onlies. I know sometimes it can't be helped, of course.

[StarUtopia]

I think it would be hard to be an only child when your parents have both passed on.

For that reason alone, I wanted children, not a child. But not everyone can have 'children' and it obviously doesn't guarantee as you say that you will get on with your siblings.

[justanotheruser18]

Must read and comment later.

[Mum2jenny]

From a pragmatic view point, if you have 2 children you might get one that will look after/ care for you. My dm had 2 dc, but it seemed to be me that did the caring.

[Teufelsrad]

I find that statement incredibly offensive, Bertrand. There is nothing wrong with being or having an only child. We are not defective.

[formerbabe]

I think, if at all possible, children should not be onlies. I know sometimes it can't be helped, of course

I actually agree with this. Having a sibling provides you with a relationship which cannot be replicated elsewhere.

[JacquesHammer]

Having a sibling provides you with a relationship which cannot be replicated elsewhere

That isn’t automatically the case. Plenty of siblings don’t get on.

[Murane]

DH has a sister. She's five years older so they didn't play together that much. Apparently she used to complain that it was a pain to have her little brother tagging along. She lives 100 miles away now and they see each other maybe 4 times a year.

My mum also has a sister. She emigrated to Australia 40 years ago and my mum sees her about once a decade.

I have no sister and don't think it's done me any harm.

[RussianBluee]

Im glad my siblings relationships cannot be replicated elsewhere, it was cruel and vile. No thanks from me.

[formerbabe]

Plenty of siblings don’t get on

Even if you're not best mates with your sibling, it's still a unique relationship. A knowledge/understanding of your upbringing, your parents and experiences which no one else can relate to.

[Teufelsrad]

A sibling could be the child's best friend or worst enemy or anything Inbetween. There are no guarantees either way.

A family friend lost her Mother last year. She has two siblings. Did they help to comfort and console each other? No, they left dealing with it all to her, then committed an act of fraud together to fleece her of tens of thousands of pounds. An extreme example perhaps but they're not the only case I know of siblings who have torn each other to pieces after a death, when you'd think they'd try to support each other.

That of course doesn't mean that having a sibling is a bad thing, only that there are never any guarantees that they'll help each other.

[Butterflykissess]

My siblings are vile tbh. Not all siblings get on. I dnt tlk to any of them. Wouldn't have mind ed being an only child.

[JacquesHammer]

Even if you're not best mates with your sibling, it's still a unique relationship. A knowledge/understanding of your upbringing, your parents and experiences which no one else can relate to

And again not automatically.

My best friend doesn’t speak to her sibling. My mother’s sibling bullied her remorselessly. Some relationship!

[StarUtopia]

I don't particularly get on with my brother. See him maybe once a year (possibly twice!) but when my parents die I will be very grateful for having him. He's my connection to who I am, my upbringing, childhood experiences etc. He's sort of there in the background on a day to day basis but I'm very very relieved I am not an only child.

Seems to be the thing to do though these days? Barely any of my DD's friends have siblings. And those that do have massive age gaps (4+yrs) which obviously doesn't lend itself to childhood memories and playing together.

I'm definitely the 'odd one out' having two kids with a year between them.

[LegallyBrunet]

I’m one of six and I want a big family myself because I loved having so many siblings and I love it even more now we are all adults/teens. On the flip side my cousin is an only and she’s absolutely spoilt rotten and has no idea of the value of money as if she runs out mummy and daddy will subsidise. I think that’s just the way she was brought up though as opposed to her being an only

[BertrandRussell]

"I find that statement incredibly offensive, Bertrand"

Sorry about that.

[orangeblosssom]

Save the Planet: Have Fewer Kids

[Namethatchange]

I have no siblings and that was a massive factor in having more than one child. I didn't want my eldest to have no aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers or sisters.

[RedPandaMama]

I want more than one child because I have one and don't yet feel like my family is complete. Some people have one child and are content with that. Some have none. Your life is your life and if you want one child then have one child, people make such a big deal over things that are none of their business.

Only thing I would say, having had an only-child as a best friend growing up, do be prepared to have to be their friend on holiday and be happy to play make-believe games with them and then board games and Wii etc when they're older. Those are the kind of things I used to do with my sibling but my friend did those with her dad.

[JacquesHammer]

To say all children are better with siblings is as silly a sweeping generalisation as saying all only children are desperate for a sibling.

There isn’t a rule. There isn’t a default state that is better. The only thing that matters is what works for your family.

[LegallyBrunet]

My MIL is an only and now that both of her parents and the cousins who she grew up with have passed away she said she feels sad that there’s no else who still shares her childhood memories

[Melaniesunflower]

I'm an only child, and enjoyed my childhood, spending lots of time with friends. I'm also in the unusual position of my mum bring and only child and my dads brother and his wife having no children, so I have no cousins. Growing older now I think about missing extended family rather than cousins, as my mum has a great group. My parents always encouraged me to go the extra effort to make friends, even on holiday, and I think this had stood me well.
My DH is the oldest of 10, and although he is close to his oldest siblings, has very little contact with the others as they have nothing in common.
Even with our different backgrounds we only plan on having 1, and will be just as encouraging to them as my patience were to me.